Hi there. I have been posting in reconciliation, but I think this is a good place for me too. My WH had a LTA with coworker...5 years. We have been working towards R for just over a year. Things are going very well overall, but I still struggle with feelings of pain and anger everyday. I made a list of how I have changed from this experience (I love to write!) and I just want to share it somewhere where I think others can relate. Sorry for the length, and thanks for giving me a place to share.
Ways I am worse:
I struggle with anxiety and depression. It's a battle.
I struggle with self esteem.
I hate taking anti anxiety meds, but need them right now.
I hate how our separation a year ago hurt our kids.
I don't trust people.
I feel jealous of other marriages.
I have tons of anger towards OW (she befriended me during A)
I regret times during the A that I suspected and didn't really push for truth.
I sometimes hate myself for staying.
I push people away, love being alone.
I don't always take good care of myself.
Scars from A will always be there.
I hate painful memories that consume me...big time waster.
Sometimes I have trouble focusing on things...like reading.
I have apathetic feelings sometimes...don't care about things I used to.
I think about revenge.
Ways I am better:
My M is stronger than ever. (Weird but true)
My H is amazing now.
We are closer and spend more time together.
Sex is amazing.
I know I am amazing and WS is lucky to have me.
I am calmer at times....don't fret about housework or my job.
My H and I have had tons of fun times together and with friends.
I am closer to friends and family who helped me.
I am finally dealing with the anxiety that I've struggled with my whole life.
I've done lots of work on mindfulness.
I love yoga.
I'm more open and honest with loved ones.
I speak up for myself, telling H and others what I need.
I'm closer with my kids.
Despite our M troubles, I've realized we did an awesome job with our kids, they are smart, funny, kind, loving.
I will always look out for myself, and if M doesn't work, I'll be ok.
I'm truly happier and more content with the way my life is right now. I try hard to live in the moment.
I'm posting this because I look at this list and wonder how I can feel so bad and so good at the same time! I feel like two different people. Anyone else feel this way? So frustrating.