Wagging, there is a thread over in JFO called "Just Venting and a Word of Caution". I suggest you read it, and also the thread in General about "Why Did You Stay with Your WS" (or something like that).
Generally, successful R requires two things to happen: (1) the WW figures out how to make the BH feel safe that she won't cheat again, and (2) the WW figures out how to show the BH that her love and desire for him are deep and true.
As to (1) (feeling safe), as mentioned, you now know the reality of the woman you married: she is the type of woman who will fuck another man, or more than one man, while married to you, and she will lie and sneak over a prolonged period to do it multiple times. I doubt you want to stay married to that woman.
To feel safe, she must make herself into a different woman, somebody other than the woman you married. This means going to IC, figuring out her why's, fixing what is broken in her. After she is done with that, then you decide whether the new woman she has become is somebody you'd feel safe being married to.
It has been my observation that the "whys" generally fall into three groups (with possibly some blending in each individual instance)
(a) Inner demons, such as inferiority complex, FOO issues, negative body image (for example a mother who has put on a lot of weight after having kids), etc., that cause her to seek affirmation and ego kibbles outside of the marriage, to the point where she is willing to trade sex to get them.
(b) Marital stress, such as a husband with low sex drive, or substance abuse, or simply distracted with his own life, to the point where she feels neglected as a wife and seeks affirmation outside of the marriage.
(c) Immaturity and cake-eating. The enjoyment of the thrill of illicit sex, purely for the thrill of it, to kill time.
As to (a), the task is to figure out those demons and how to quiet them without spreading her legs for another man. As to (b), the task is to figure out how to work with the BH to solve the marital issues or, if they cannot be solved, leave the marriage rather than sleep with somebody else, which is a Band-Aid for cancer. As to (c) this is the hardest to cure because a sense of immature entitlement is innate in the spirit.
Your role in this is merely to watch and see if she becomes a person you can desire to marry, notwithstanding the trauma she has inflicted on you.
As to (2) (re-establishing a belief that she truly loves and desires you), this is much more difficult to quantify. An ephemeral matter of the heart, I am wont to say. You know for a fact that she has a history of directing her desire to another man. In the case of an LTA, or multiple LTA's, she invested time, energy, creativity, imagination into creating opportunities for sex with him. No matter how much she may try to tell you it "wasn't about sex", my guess is that sex is pretty much all they did when together, and their energy was focused on creating venues and opportunities for sex.
How can she now convince you that she desires you as much or more than she desired another man? This is especially difficult if a significant chunk of your marriage to date existed whilst she was clearly lusting another man more than you. It is even more difficult if she did things with him sexually that she had previously denied you, or simply showed more sexual brio with him than with you.
Only you can know your threshold on this issue. For many men, the dick tells the story. If the johnson is limp and non-responsive, that pretty much tells you what you need to know in terms of your believe in whether she has genuine sexual desire for you.
All of the above can take years to accomplish. It requires patient, consistent, sincere effort from her over a long time period. The mind-movies and triggers will likely haunt you for life. Is she ready to be remorseful, empathetic, supportive ten years from now when you go limp during sex because a pesky mind movie has cropped up at an importune moment?
Finally, are you being honest with her about your emotions? This includes letting the full fury of your rage out -- all of the pejoratives and invective you are thinking, you should hurl at her. And don't do it in a passive-aggressive manner. Be aggressive (but do not harm her physically -- men don't hit women, only punks do that). It also includes showing your pain and tears, and describing in graphic detail whenever you have a mind movie. Are you ready to be that naked in front of her? Does she make you feel safe enough to do that?
[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:16 AM, September 5th (Wednesday)]