Hello folks.
This will be first time I've openly spoken about the systematic emotional & ultimately physical infidelity I endured over a 4 year period from 2007 to 2011. I know this was quite some time ago. Seeing as how i was quite positive I had moved on and re-entered my life I recently realized my existence was basically in an emotional vacuum these last 6 years. I have not been productively processing any emotions.
Maybe this is due to having forgave my wife and kept my word to not throw any of what happened back in her face if we fight or argue. The last couple arguments I have completely derailed and lashed out telling her that maybe.. Just maybe at times I lack general empathy because she hollowed me out and there is nothing left.
Reflecting on my level of anger and that statement I came to the realization I've not been living long term these past 5 years. I've been hiding in moments that help suppress my pain. Now I understand I should talk to other people who are and have been where I'm at. This is not something you can process on your own.
Before I go into some history I will state that seeing a therapist is not an option in my situation. It will cause many more problems than would be addressed.
Warning: Some of this may get a little explicit however I'll only add what's absolutely necessary to give an accurate situational understanding.
So this is my second marriage. #1 was to a high school sweetheart. We were together 12 years married 7 and divorced due to her overt narcissism and hiding thousands of dollars in debt. We have a daughter and are civil.
My current wife is 10 years younger than I. We met via a local chatroom. We dated for a few months, which went very well so we decided to move in together as our living situations were less than optimal. We figured if it didn't work out we could always be room mates and part ways when we were in better financial shape. Well as destiny would have it we got along great and 18 months later were engaged.
Three months before we were to get married I discovered a disposable phone. She had contacted an ex, which turned out to be someone 10 years older than her, who had recently been divorced but had left her to resume a relationship with his former wife.
Needing to know the scope of her feelings for him I didn't confront her and monitored the phone, messenger and email conversations via methods I'll not discuss here. What I discovered was a nervous girl getting married who reached out to someone she had loved. He took advantage of that for explicit texts and an attempt to meet for sex.
I confronted them both. Gave her the option to exit our relationship. I explained I'd tell her parents what ever she wanted to smooth things over for. They really like me and would have been furious. Given the opportunity to have an actual relationship with her.. The EX declined dumping her a second time. At this point I was out. In the process of moving out she and her parents literally begged me to reconsider. As nothing physical happened I Reluctantly I agreed to stay. The flags were up however.
Fast forward almost 3 years and add an 18 month old child to the marriage. Around November of 09 I began to notice her behavior change. We began to have sex more often. More notably was her attentiveness in keeping her phone close at all times and always logging out of messenger apps and social media on her computer. I again began to survival her communications and after a couple weeks was nothing less than horrified. She had been engaged in explicit video chat with multiple people watching and had chosen 3 favorite users and was leading them on they were the only ones she was chatting with in the side. Two of which she had met in person, separately and had sexual contact with. I would later find out that the rules had been establish there would be no intercourse, which as any rational adult knows is of little comfort.
Now I will pause for a second here. The whole web show/chat thing was something her and I used to do for fun. There was an understanding it was an activity we did together. Now she had told me after out first child she was uninterested in that any more.
So clearly that was a premature decision and on top of that she went solo and let things get out of hand endangering both me and our child via unprotected sexual contact.
This was obviously devastating. I was almost equally upset with her not communicating and hiding things. I am very open and not a jealous person. I would do just about anything if it turned her on. The situation was touch and go for more than a few days. I was seriously compromised emotionally.
I wanted to salvage the relationship and fell into self destructive behavior to do so. We would fight and have sex.. Extremely carnal lust filled animistic sex. She convinced me it would be even more hot if we went public on video chat again. I agreed and she did not disappoint...For my part during sex I didn't hurt anymore. Given the fact we were going at it 6 or 7 nights a week from the time our son when to sleep.. until we both passed out from exhaustion.
There were rules we agreed on which attempted to make what was going on some sort of legitimate way of fixing our problems. In hindsight it was all BS. She was still getting her way playing with her boy toys the only difference was now... I was pulling the strings as so to speak.
As long as I focused on the sex and her level of arousal during I was able to ignore my pain. The days at work in the office were agonizing. The constant need to make sure noting was going on at home... The self loathing and regret were horrific. However when I walked thought that door evenings it would all vanish due to our little erotic fantasy world.
Now during this I also discovered she had been bouncing things off her EX.. yes that one.. For advice. He for the most part was smart about what he said and while they did reminisce a couple times nothing came of it. I did call her out on it months later when I explained how I had discovered an watched everything. (yes I watched and read EVERYTHING in horrifying detail) I already knew they were not talking anymore and I believe they probably never will again.
Moving on. So the sexscapades lasted almost 4 months. She gradually cooled off and was no longer interested in all the attention. As this progressed and she wanted sex less and less my copping mechanism was taken away from me. As sex became a once every week.. to every other week and longer the fights began. I fought her for almost a year before giving up and just dealing. I basically had nothing left at this point.
By this time a year had passed we had another child. For the next couple years I kept a close eye on her. She kept her word everything was over. +5 years I do not keep as close an eye on her as I used to and I believe I don't have to maintain a constant watch now. This is comforting however it nowhere near addresses the fact I have really never dealt with any of this.
I still fee a ton of resentment, anger betrayal. When I recently brought it up I was the one accused of opening up the past, which is fitting since I seem to be stuck in it.
So thats the quick and dirty(literally)history of why I am in the emotional situation I find myself in today.
I apologize for typos and grammar.
I just needed to get this off my chest and maybe bounce it off folks who have been there.
Thanks for reading.
