SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I guess I get to post because there is no stop sign. I really cannot believe what I just read. Selfish much? You have a husband!!! Your AP (whom doesn't have a job, house, morals) should not be your main priority. You need to toss that relationship in the trash! And you cheated on your AP with someone else? And now the AP is upset. Please sit down with your husband and tell him the truth. From the beginning. Everything. To do what you are doing to another human being is the worst kind of torment a person can go through. Can you really live with that? Tell him the truth and let him go. He may be crushed, but he is way better off without you. Then you need to go into IC. Deal with the crap that happened to you instead of ruining other peoples lives! The only thing that I found a little positive in your story is that I do not think your AP has a wife. Thank god for that!

I'm also unsure how to even to reply, but I'll offer my thoughts.

I'm curious as to what you think would happen if your SO decides to call it quits. Would you still feel the need to end your marriage? You say you've known for years that the marriage is over...how many years exactly? Did these feelings begin before the A developed, or did becoming engrossed in another relationship perhaps contribute to the decline of the M?

Some posters have already brought up co-dependency, which is what I'm broaching here. If your relationship with SO ends would you still approach your H with the intent to divorce, or do you think you'd continue latching onto him as you have been throughout the LTA?

You say that you are unequivocally certain that the SO is the love of your life, but are openly uncertain about other very important elements in this relationship. SO's level of commitment, for starters. Is that what prevents you from leaving H? You'd settle for H if SO wasn't a sure thing? I'd also argue that the lack of job, education, equity, ambition, and honesty about your marital status with his family certainly don't help in the certainty department. You acknowledge these shortcomings and yet still cling to him. Could it be that this relationship only works precisely because it's dysfunctional? Could you see yourself moving in with SO, buying a house, maybe even getting married and starting a family? Think on it. Do you think if H and SO switched roles, and H had the burden of orgasm and ego-stroking while SO had to actually contribute financially, and attend family and work functions, and with housekeeping and chores other quotidian responsibilities, and all that other stuff that seems to erode romance, that SO would measure up?

And regarding SO and his current prospects and ambition, I'd say he seems stuck. Perhaps not a complete loser but he certainly seems to be in a rut of some sort. Do you see how this situation helps perpetuate the affair? He continues to procrastinate in all these areas of normal adulthood, you continue to procrastinate with ending your marriage or pushing SO to make the leap, and all you have to do to keep the fire alive is have sex once in a while and tell each other how great things will be when you're finally able to be together for real. Do you think maybe the reality will fall short of the fantasy?

What is it you really want here?

Could it be that this relationship only works precisely because it's dysfunctional?

This. It's not real. His family may not feel the same about you if they knew you were married. AP doesn't want to be cheated on? You are married and cheat with him. You most likely would not like the reality of him In real life as what you pretty much describe as otherwise a loser. . It's all so dysfunctional. The only person I have any empathy for is your H that is in the dark| Please get into better counseling so you can heal before hurting more people.

You mentioned God. Healing and restoration is in Him, not AP'd and more sex partners, husbands or anyone else can fill the void you are searching for.

I am sorry you suffered trauma in your life. Please consider the IC you are seeing. Ok not sure they are helping you enough. I'm afraid that you are now inflicting trauma on others. I doubt that is your goal, or at least I hope you would care I hope there are no children involved. Please take a hard look at yourself.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 10:09 PM, September 13th (Wednesday)]

You are a cheater that broke your original vows, then you left your affair partner in the dust...to have sex with yet another person.

I knew a person IRL like this. She cheated on her husband, left him for the AP and then left the AP for another dude. The first AP called the H to get some sympathy from him because he said "you know what it's like to be cheated on".

There is no logic in this world, no sense anymore. This is so convoluted I can't begin to wrap my head around it.

Sounds more like you would be happier with orgies than relationships?

First, cut your poor husband loose. You don't even want him, why hang onto him while continuing to cheat and lie to him?

Second, you've been in IC for years? It's not working. Clearly. You need a new one.

It sounds like you need to learn how to find validation from within, instead of multiple external sources. Learn to be by yourself and develop heathy coping mechanisms.

[This message edited by nutmegkitty at 8:35 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

I noticed the OP has not been back. We may want to give it a rest until she returns.

MyMe2017, how are you doing? Can you give us an update?

I can't figure out how to reply to individual messages, sorry.

I had a very painful and protracted final breaking up with AP last night/this morning. Then worked, and drove 6 hours to H house to confess all. I haven't slept in over 40 hours. I know the folks here won't tell me what I want to hear, that wasn't why I joined. I don't know whether H and I will reconcile, or if I'm going to be on my own. Either way I'm continuing to work with my IC to learn to love myself, heal myself, be by myself so I can finally make better choices when I feel those vulnerabilities start to veer me toward unhealthy choices learned from piss poor prior parenting.

H wasn't home when I got there. He's 4 hours away visiting his younger son who evacuated from Irma to his girlfriend's place. Her parents planned a big meal tonight and invited him to stay, and he did, now planning to leave Sunday when his son boards the plane to return to Florida. It's likely I won't see him for more than a couple hours before I have to head back Sunday. I'd really hoped to have the day Saturday to get it all out and put the ball in his court as to whether he wanted to discuss it, talk about R, Digest it, or throw me out right away.

Which begs the question: do I tell all and then drive the six hours back to my home, or wait and try again in a couple weeks? I have a planned trip then, but it's my birthday weekend and I have family coming here. I don't want our drama, and Hs pain, to be broadcast so widely without getting to prep him first. That would be more painful for him. I can't do it over the phone, email, or even FaceTime. This has to be in person, he deserves that much and so much more.

I know I am a selfish woman. I'm deeply ashamed of everything I've done, and I know it will get worse before it gets better

I can't figure out how to reply to individual messages, sorry.

I had a very painful and protracted final breaking up with AP last night/this morning. Then worked, and drove 6 hours to H house to confess all. I haven't slept in over 40 hours. I know the folks here won't tell me what I want to hear, that wasn't why I joined. I don't know whether H and I will reconcile, or if I'm going to be on my own. Either way I'm continuing to work with my IC to learn to love myself, heal myself, be by myself so I can finally make better choices when I feel those vulnerabilities start to veer me toward unhealthy choices learned from piss poor prior parenting.

H wasn't home when I got there. He's 4 hours away visiting his younger son who evacuated from Irma to his girlfriend's place. Her parents planned a big meal tonight and invited him to stay, and he did, now planning to leave Sunday when his son boards the plane to return to Florida. It's likely I won't see him for more than a couple hours before I have to head back Sunday. I'd really hoped to have the day Saturday to get it all out and put the ball in his court as to whether he wanted to discuss it, talk about R, Digest it, or throw me out right away.

Which begs the question: do I tell all and then drive the six hours back to my home, or wait and try again in a couple weeks? I have a planned trip then, but it's my birthday weekend and I have family coming here. I don't want our drama, and Hs pain, to be broadcast so widely without getting to prep him first. That would be more painful for him. I can't do it over the phone, email, or even FaceTime. This has to be in person, he deserves that much and so much more.

I know I am a selfish woman. I'm deeply ashamed of everything I've done, and I know it will get worse before it gets better

I don't know whether H and I will reconcile, or if I'm going to be on my own. Either way I'm continuing to work with my IC to learn to love myself, heal myself, be by myself so I can finally make better choices when I feel those vulnerabilities start to veer me toward unhealthy choices learned from piss poor prior parenting.

Wow MyMe2017! Those are not the words of a selfish person. What you wrote is very sound advice. I'm sure things are a struggle right now, but it definitely sounds like you are on the right track to turning your life around.

I agree you should tell your husband in person if possible. He does deserve that. As far as what to say, just stick with the truth. If he asks tough questions, try to answer it as delicately as you can, but honestly. Honesty is the key to getting this tremendous burden off your back and becoming a better person. Think about it...If you want to learn to love yourself, it helps to be the type of person that you love. That doesn't mean you have to be perfect, it just means you always strive to do what's morally right.

I'm deeply ashamed of everything I've done

This is going to be tough for you. One of the keys in learning to love yourself is also learning to forgive yourself. As you think about the things you are ashamed of, try to remember the lessons they taught you and how you could have made better choices, etc. Once you discover the lesson, then give yourself permission to forgive.

Best wishes to you.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 12:37 AM, September 16th (Saturday)]

MyMe2017 - do let us know what happens. As a fellow WW who is trying to heal, I am sorry for some of the reception you received. I am glad you have thick skin.

Wishing you the best this weekend, whatever happens.

Welll, that's done.

I confessed everything to the H. He took it better than expected, no drama. Lots of tears, few questions, no drama. He had some suspicions after all, but because of my sexual assault 2 1/2 years ago, he couldn't conceive of the idea that I would be having an A. When I explained the A started before the assault,, and was a rekindle from 2001-03, it made sense.

Not sure where we're going from here. We have a lot to talk about, but did decide we need to get the house in condition to sell or rent by springtime. If we R, he'll move with me to my next job in spring. If we don't R he needs a smaller place anyway.

I can't write anymore. I got maybe 10 hours sleep since Wednesday night, and about 6 of them were last night, after we finally quit talking. I'm drained but feel remarkably calm overall. Now the next phase of my work begins - learning to be truly comfortable being by myself. I have made a lot of progress on that when things are going well - after all, I've been living in a separate state by myself for nearly 3 years. But I suddenly realized that when one of my triggers erupts, I have always reverted to the familiar, comfortable (Read: Destructive) behavior. I need to work on finding positive, healthy, helpful behaviors to self-soothe instead of repeating the same old pattern.

Good night all. Thank you to those who told me what I needed to hear in a constructive way. I know my story angered many of you, and I didn't intend that. Please accept my apologies for what you felt was selfish, immature,cruel, etc. I can't undo what I've done, but i can learn from it, move on, and become better. A better woman first, then maybe someday a. Better W,

Mouthkeptshut-I have asked myself this question many times over the years.knowing the A needs to end, but being unwilling to because of the hole it would leave in my heart, as well as the fear that I would have no one.

The decision about the demise of the M was not caused by the A. The A was a previous BF, the best I'd ever had in terms of care, joy, fun, companionship, affection, and chemistry. Employment circumstances keept us apart for 10 years, though we kept in touch. A triggering event in 2012 sent the family into a tailspin. H was practically catatonic for months, I was so hurt and angry. Neither of us could help the other because of our own pain and grief about the situation. Then in 2014, old BF appeared back in my orbit in a random way, and I was still vulnerable. I'd been in the "outta my head into your bed" mentality for some months, when we reconnected the behavior stopped. I cleaved to this familiar BF from my past and didn't engage in the risky behavior like before. I know I should have tried harder with the H, but we were both so upset and grieving, he was in his own pain and I couldn't reach him. Not trying to justify my behavior, but in the first few month of rekindling with BF (now AP), he was showing me the kind of support, love, attention I needed and wasn't getting from H, and no longer getting from random men in meaningless one night stands. Then, 6 months into this A, AP demonstrated exactly the support I needed in the aftermath of my sexual assault. H was unable to give me what I needed there. He was angry, and his anger for the man who assaulted me left him unable to hear me tell him what I needed.

.

I've had many reason for maintaining the M in spite of the LTA, and to be frank, it was because I was hedging my bets - if the LTA didn't work out, I could go back to the M...might not be happy, but at least I wouldn't be alone. That's shallow and manipulative and H deserves better. For now I realize I need to work on being alone and ok with it. H agrees ( at least he did during our talk. I suspect once he shares the news with his fam, that might change). I have to be prepared for sweeping rejection from his family, all of whom I love. Collateral damage I caused, I have to face the fallout.

I don;t know if this clears up any of your questions, but ...

Glad you told your H. Also glad you are working on fixing you. You have to learn to be happy alone before you can ever be truly happy with anyone else.

A relationship is supposed to enhance your life. It is not supposed to replace a missing whole in your life. You will never be happy if you are always looking for men to "complete you".

I've learned this lesson as the BS. For example, my H cheated on me with multiple women. He was broken and infidelity was his coping strategy. Well, I would like to be in a house that is infidelity free where I haven't lived while being cheated on.

I daydream about moving to a new house for a fresh start. Thinking that as soon as I move into the new house....all my infidelity baggage magically disappears. The problem with that thinking is that as soon as I get the new house, I will still have the baggage from the affairs that I will bring with me. Until I work through all the baggage and am happy regardless of where I live,, I will never truly enjoy the fresh start of a new house because it wouldn't exist. Once I do all of the hard work that I have to do to get through this nightmare, then I would be able to move to a new house and not bring all my baggage with me.

The same with you. You have to be happy with yourself and fix your brokenness before you can be in a healthy relationship. If you get in arelationship prematurely, expecting that to be the magic cure, you are only going to be bringing your baggage into it and the chance for a happy and healthy relationship is greatly diminished.

Telling your Husband is the best first step. He deserves that honesty. Finding a counselor who will push you to work through your issues is imperative. Do the hard work now and then in time you will be ready for whatever relationship you desire.

Um, no it won't get worse before it gets better, at least not exactly.....

You'll find you have REAL freedom. No more secrets, not more sneaking around. The consequences can be dire and feel awful, but for the first time in a long time you'll be free and you WILL feel it.

AP is good riddance. You need him like a bullet in your foot.

Keep posting to help you sort things out. You're on the right path, facing the right direction.

hopeforthefuture94,

That is a wonderful response. Well said.

How does a marriage even work when you live in different states? Kind of like a common law D (and yes, I know how that sounds). I think I answered my own question.

I confessed everything to the H. He took it better than expected, no drama. Lots of tears, few questions, no drama.

Anger is coming...

What you did sounds good. Get into IC and prove you are working on you. But get yourself ready if that is possible.

You need to get a different IC and you nees to leave your H if you want your AP.

Good to hear you confessed and broke things off with your AP, here is some things to ponder when you get the craving to recconnect with him.

I would ask yourself what is it that you love about this AP. Do you really love him? I mean, you are all about changing him. He is jobless and homeless. Has been, so I don't see much changing going on there or you being any good for him other than being broken enough to accept his sorry ass. You are still cheating, so he isn't helping you any in becoming a better version of yourself. I think you mean to say you both get to be unaccountable, broken, bad versions of yourselves. From what you type, it seems you don't know love. You think love is what you feel if people want you. That isn't love. That is supply and demand. You knew what your AP meant about having other relationships, that is why you left it till the last day together to break the news. At least start by being honest with yourself. But, hey this post is a perfect example of if they will cheat with you-they will cheat on you.

Another question. Why is the ball in your husband's court. You made it really clear you didn't want to be married to him. You cheated on him with multiple partners. So, why stay with him? I hope you are very serious about getting help and you don't fall into the trap of blaming your husband for the affair. Letting him "straighten his act so to speak" and "calling it a day" if he does thinking that now that he is paying attention to you, all is well. You cheated because you have unhealthy needs and expectations, not because your husband wasn't meeting them.