SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Posting today because I always got good advice and thought provoking responses on SI. Haven't been here a while since a happy update a while ago.

My NB, at least as far as a new relationship is concerned, came down crashing and burning. This was a long-term relationship with what I thought a lot of potential despite an age difference and the challenge of possibly blending families.

After talking and texting every day for the duration of the relationship, he kissed me good bye last weekend after a nice evening of an impromptu dinner, walking, talking and intimacy to simply ghost on me. Not a word, no call, no text, no email and no response to me reaching out to him. No fight, no disagreement, nothing. We were both stressed because of work issues. That's all.

I wished I would have been hit with some truth bomb or explanation, however brutal it might have been. Simply disappearing with no word and no explanation is just heart wrenching. I have to say that he has suffered from anxiety and depression and that he pulled a similar stunt early into our relationship.

I simply don't know what to do.

Because of his high stress level, I am worried about his mental state and want to reach out to make sure he is not falling into depression. He has been hospitalized with this before for an extended period of time. However, at the same time I don't feel equipped to deal with this if in fact it was depression and he has children and other family who have been through this with him before and might be of better help to him.

On the other hand, I am so deeply hurt right now by this behavior that I feel like blocking him and not give him ever the chance to re-appear in my life if he chose to do so.

Have you been ghosted on before in a long-term relationship and if so, what did you do?

I am so sorry. What a horrible and gut wrenching experience.

I have no advice. Other than take care of yourself...you know that routine.

You have been heard, and I am so sorry for your anguish.

Hi Frauken

I've been "guilty" of ghosting so i can give you my pov when I get a few minutes.

Do you mind me asking, though- 1. how long was this RL

2. what's the age difference? how old are each of you?

lostandbound, the relationship was over 2 years. The age difference is 15 years. I am 48, he is turning 63 in a couple of months.

Any light you can shed of this would be helpful. Thank you.

I dated someone who would ghost when he got depressed. Drove me mad. I said "I don't care that you need alone time...just tell me so I am not worried". It was not acceptable for him to just withdraw without letting me know he needed to go dark. But he did/would so it just didn't work out.

Are you sure he is ok? I ask this because a guy I was dating went quiet for a couple days. I knew he was in the midst of moving his DD with emotional disorder into a treatment center so I assumed he was just busy and would circle back around to me when he could.

He actually had suddenly died - at age of 44.

So I would make sure he is still ok. However you need to do that. With dating for so long, you should know his routine and can verify his car is at work or he is on FB (or whatever).

Edited:

Not a word, no call, no text, no email and no response to me reaching out to him.

You know the personality of the relationship. I.E., how frequently you talk/text/see each other. If this is way out of typical, I would be worried too!

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 2:06 PM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

I wished I would have been hit with some truth bomb or explanation, however brutal it might have been.

Gently said, you have been. Twice. From his point of view, apparently, this is an okay thing for him to do.

Simply disappearing with no word and no explanation is just heart wrenching.

Yes, it is. Personally, I'm okay going a day or two between me initiating communication when I'm overwhelmed but I do reply to texts, calls, etc.

I have to say that he has suffered from anxiety and depression and that he pulled a similar stunt early into our relationship.

Because of the first part of that sentence (up to "and that he pulled" ) I'd let a relative know or drive by and make sure that he's alive, or call the county for a wellness-check to be done at his house.

The second part is why I said that this seems like it is okay for him to act this way. He's done it twice now. What happened as a result of the first time?

[This message edited by devotedman at 2:28 PM, September 20th, 2017 (Wednesday)]

I know this has to really hurt. I'm so sorry for you.

I took the time to read your past posts about when this happened before with this same person. What struck me about it was that you spent a lot of time explaining his issues and what happened to him. How because of his past experiences he fears your relationship ending badly, even though there was nothing wrong, so he just booked. You were willing to be there for him even as a friend while he was going through it again once he gave you that explanation. That's understandable, and even commendable.

What you hardly spent any time on was what happened to you and the fears that anyone ghosting on you stirs up. Why is what he has been through more important than what you have been through?

I totally get that you want to know if he is ok. I would absolutely feel the same way. That being said, he knows what you've been through too and he knows how him doing this the last time made you feel, yet he did it again. Where was his understanding and compassion for you? Do his problems and insecurities give him carte blanche for shitty behavior? Is that something you can live with?

I agree with the other poster who said that there are other ways to find out if he's ok. You don't need to contact him directly. Give yourself a break and spend some time thinking about what he owes you. Raise your standards a bit. He is not your's to save.

My editing seems to have removed all content. I appreciate your stories and sharing.

The first time this happened I did agree to have a conversation with him after he reached out to me after going completely radio silent for days, which was unusual for him. We resumed the relationship and I did ask him to please talk to me early on when he felt he was becoming anxious. We did well until now.

Charity, you are certainly hitting on something that has been stirring around in me. I have a significant fear of not being 'good enough' and being rejected for not being good enough; this is something I can trace back to my childhood and that was prevalent in my marriage, where nothing about me was ever good enough and where I was ultimately replaced. This silent, faceless, emotionless rejection that comes in form of ghosting is something I can't grasp; not having a chance to respond is cruel; reaching out for an explanation seems desperate and so everything that I spend my energy and time on for the last 2 years was for nothing. At least, that's what it feels like right now.

I have been told by friends to fully assume this is about him, not me, that there is probably nothing I could have done to prevent this ultimately from happening again. This will take time. I feel every wound has been reopened after learning to trust again that a lasting relationship with a good partner might be possible after all .

[This message edited by fraeuken at 3:59 PM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

I was dating a woman who was 11 years my senior.

The week before our two year anniversary (Valentines Day (by chance) this past Feb), she told me she wanted to "take a break." The day before V-day, I called her to say this didn't make sense, and I got the "I love you, but not in love with you line."

And that was that. Haven't talked/seen her since.

No major fights, disagreements, anything in the two years. Her own brother (who I saw a month later) told me he was completely stunned when he heard. I was starting to think that this could be the real deal - life long.

Turns out she met a guy (who lives 6 hours away!!) the week before the "we need a break" line. I found that out from friends about a month after she split.

So, I was essentially ghosted.

It was, in some ways, worse than when I divorced my WW. That took years of false R, separation, divorce. This was "she's just gone." No real explanation, no truth, nothing.

I was a wreck for two months; not so bad at the 4 mo mark; and 90% over it today (8 months later).

The advice everyone gave me was correct, just cut ties, take the time to heal, and move on. For whatever reason, she decided she just wasn't into me; that means I dodged a bullet - somewhere down the road.

So, feel the feels, grieve for the loss. Then go find someone who truly appreciates you.

Found my story: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=599599

WornDown, thank you for sharing. I am so sorry this happened to you.

((((fraeuken)))) I'm so sorry, honey.

(((Fraeuken)))Your friends are right. It still sucks, but their right. Don't beat yourself up. You've been treated badly and you should be angry.

(((frauken)))

I'm so sorry this happened, but want to echo your friends' comments that it's not about you at all.

He showed you who he was when he ghosted the first time. People really can't change their core personality, though they can try for a while to act like someone they're not.

One of my pet peeves with this forum is when a poster comes on with a major (dealbreaker) behavior issue with their partner, the default answer is to talk about it. That may work for small things, but not for large, personality-defining issues like someone who doesn't communicate well to the point where they just ghost when they are a full grown adult! There's a great quote in the book "The Science of Happily Ever After" about this, but I checked the book out of the library and have somehow misplaced the book where I wrote down helpful quotes I wanted to be able to refer to in the future. It's not about you at all. It's all on him, and nothing you could have said/done (like detailing what type of behavior is acceptable from an adult) could have changed things.

If you do take him back, expect for this behavior to continue. You just need to determine whether it's acceptable behavior in a partner or not. I do know that there are plenty of adults who would never think about doing such a thing. Don't let this experience sour you on finding a true, emotionally present and stable partner.

While I've never had a person ghost in a long term relationship, I have an acquaintance whose husband gets overwhelmed, anxious and depressed and will disappear for 1-2 weeks without notice, usually into the woods or on a canoeing trip. Once he drove 1500 miles into the desert to find his birth father, where they did hallucinogens then got in a fistfight. He's been listed twice as a missing person and was furious when he came back home to discover this. He's a white collar small business owner so he inflicts this stress on his employees and business partner, who have to explain to patients that Dr. X had to take an emergency leave of absence. It doesn't seem like another woman is involved, nor drugs and alcohol (except for that one thing with his father) - he just freaks out and leaves. But the effect is no different than if he were an addict or having an affair.

He's been doing this since they got together in college so she's been dealing with this every 18-24 months for over 20 years, though it's become more frequent as he gets older. To be clear, he'll either give her no heads up whatsoever or he'll say something on the way out like "Have to clear my head. Not sure when I'll be back."

They've done counseling, she's threatened him with divorce, she's tried hiding his keys when she feels like he's getting squirrelly and wants to run, bugged him to go on meds, considered putting a GPS in his truck, has tried to pressure his family into pressuring him to never do this again. Textbook codependency. As it stands now, they have 3 kids and she's counting the days till the last one goes to college so she can divorce him.

Don't be like her. He won't change and waiting for someone to "relapse" is exhausting and no way to live. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position but I highly recommend you end things and try to find someone who gives a consistent, reliable shit about your feelings and needs.

[This message edited by kpstartingover at 6:39 PM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

((Frauken)). I'm sorry that this happened to you.

This happened to me with someon that I was sleeping with on a regular basis for almost 3 years. I won't call it a relationship- it was more like long ter fuck buddies. Regardless, we saw each other frequently, and I had met his kids.

He would periodically disappear because of depression. Every time that it happened, we would talk about it and he did not apologize because "that how I am".

Looking back, I see it as a form of passive aggressive control. He did it to keep me off balance and maintain the upper hand in the dynamics.

Once, when he had been gone for about 6 weeks, I started dating other people- he was extremely upset when he found that out because I should have known that he would be back.

You deserve more than that.

((fraeuken)) I'm really sorry this is happening to you. How painful to not be granted any closure after giving so much of yourself to him in these last 2 years.

Woke up to an email this morning - Thinking of you. Lots of thoughts all the time. Listening to John 10:10.

To say I am confused would be the understatement of the year for me. At least I know he is ok to be on his work email; I will not respond. I wouldn't even know what to say.

Fraueken,

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this.

I'm trying to think of a good way to articulate my response and I don't have much time.

I'm a psychology student and also an avid reader. I'm sure you've heard about "attachment styles" as this is a hot topic in psychology right now.

Something I've observed is that once you get past a certain age, there are way more avoidant men and anxious women in the dating pool. People with secure attachment styles tend to get married in their 20's and stay married. This is a generalization, but it is generally true, so it's valuable information.

Disappearing on someone and refusing communication is a way to create distance in a relationship. It's not usually a desire to end the relationship, because that is usually directly communicated. It's usually a desire to create distance. The reasons can be varied. Sometimes it's simply that things have been going well and the relationship has been progressing nicely, and that's not what is desired. Creating distance sets the relationship back.

I know some people say "why doesn't he just tell me he needs space and we will talk about it"

well, ultimately, communicating your needs to someone and giving them the chance to meet your needs creates closeness and furthers the relationship. He doesn't want that. So that's why. make sense?

I will be honest, it's entirely possible this has something to do with you, or his feelings about you, or maybe he's been communicating with someone else, or maybe he does this in every relationship. It's impossible to know. However, I'll share with you another observation I've made. Women who have an anxious attachment style tend to decide that a man is "right" for them fairly early on, usually right after meeting the guy, even though he displays several undesirable traits.

I am so sorry (((fraeuken))). At this point I think you need to just let him go. He sounds like XWH#1. He refuses to get involved in a serious relationship with anyone else since our D, 15yrs ago. If a woman gets too close, he ends it.

I don't know what your SO's prior marriages/relationships involved. He may be like my X and has decided to back off when things get too close. There could be any number of things going on in his head. The thing is you deserve to be treated better than this. Why continue to put energy into a relationship with a very questionable future?

I know it hurts when you have invested time into it already. Just don't waste anymore of your time trying to fix someone you can't fix. If he doesn't have it together at his age, he never will and it really has nothing to do with you.

I also have severe depression and anxiety (mostly social anxiety). When I had my own business, once in a while things would overwhelm me and I would ghost specific clients who were causing me stress, and sometimes all of them. But I never did that to my wife at the time (even though I eventually discovered that she was the largest source of stress and anxiety). The longer I'd ghost someone for, the harder it was to get back in touch, and it became a vicious circle.

Now I'm in a good relationship, and I have a good job. I still have problems with depression and anxiety, but I don't ghost anybody much anymore - and I never ghost my GF. There may be times during the workday that I think, "I just don't have the space in my brain to respond to this now", but always within a few hours. I tend to get that happening more if we're having a fight (a rare occurrence).

However, I've been through five years of therapy to work on these issues, and I didn't just sit in the therapy - I did a hell of a lot of work even when I wasn't in a session with my shrink. While it's not perfect, it's pretty good. And I'm in a really good relationship: I know that she's on my side, and that it shouldn't be stressful to respond to her about anything.

If he's doing the hard work to solve this problem, then it depends on how patient you are to get through it. It doesn't make you a bad person if you decide you're not on board with this - and that's definitely not the case if he's not even trying. You're a person too, and you deserve to feel secure.