SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WW and I have been battling to R for sometime. Just over 16 months to be exact.

I don't know where to go from here meaning I think the relationship is dead.

I told my wife I was going to serve her divorce papers one evening about 2 months ago and things were good for a bit.

Yes I have posted part of my story on LS.I think this a better forum for my current situation.

Yesterday my wife pocket dialed me and I answered. I knew she was going for a run with a couple of girls and was curious at what they might talk about. I was able to hold the connection for 38 minutes.

Before I go into what I heard, I will say that we have clearly been talking about transparency and the need for it over the last 16 months. We also made an agreement we wouldn't speak with anyone about the details of our relationship with anyone else, as it was causing trust problems.

What I heard on the call was this: that she had met another man at our local amusement park with our youngest son and his child and that "I didn't know". I also heard her criticize me extensively about things that I had said and done over the past little while.

It looks really bad. It is really bad.

Let me say that the coincidence of all of this is amazing to me. That her phone pocket dials me and I get to hear her say all of this stuff. She later tries and has me believe that this is the only bad thing she has done since DD that I am unaware of. That's a big stretch for me.

She finally sees her phone is connected to me and hangs up. She calls me several times and I wont answer. She texts me I say what's up? She says answer your phone please. I say I don't want to speak with her right now. I told her I heard everything. She says "Nothing Happened". And proceeds to tell me who the guy is and how the meeting came about. Plausible story seeming like it was all innocent. I know the guy as he was a hockey dad on my son's team and they had run into each other at 7/11 and talked about getting the boys together and said he was going to such and such a place a few days later and she could join him. She had tried to have a girlfriend go with her but no one was available.

This guy has a long term GF, and it appears he is an honourable guy.

I am ok with them meeting up in the sense that it was platonic. There are much more concerning issues at play.

She kept this secret from me for 4 weeks and admitted she had no plans to tell me. That if she had asked if she could go she knew I would say no. wow. How am I suppose to believe she will come to me with bigger stuff than this.

I am more upset by my character assasination and disregarding our agreement. Talking about my anxiety and the injustice of having to add a GPS monitor to her phone. How our MC has said to us that we need to say 5 positive things to each other versus 1 negative and "I just can't do it. I can't be nice." there was more and it was all bad.

If I want to try again I have no idea how to trust her. Anybody have any ideas on How to build trust from this level? Can I go forward on blind faith? Am I over reacting in any way?

I have been very angry with my wife at times which she says pushes her away.

You were given a gift.

Oy bedman. I read your JFO post just now and your DDay is only since May... run away from this unremorseful woman.

YOU DESERVE TO BE ANGRY AT YOUR WIFE.

She is not remorseful. She only stayed with you resentfully because her ex-best friend spilled the beans and it's the only way she can present herself as somebody with integrity, which btw she has none of. She betrayed the two most important adults in her life for the sake of her own selfish desires. That's deeply disturbing. The COW in my situation also slept with her best friend's H, I've thought of her as sociopathic since then.

I don't know where in Canada you live, but here in Alberta infidelity is the one fault you can claim to get an ASAP divorce (otherwise you need that 1 year of separation). Look into it.

bedman,

Read this thread:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=586360&AP=1&HL=53634

The answers to all of your questions are in that thread.

Bedman, I am sorry this has happened to you. I agree it doesnt appear as your wife is remorseful. The issues she had that allowed her to cheat are still active, she just became better at hiding them. She is still disrespecting you behind your back and obviously this encounter with guy was significant to her as she brought it up to her "friends".

Evidently her "friends" didnt disapprove of either the disrespecting you behind your back or the possibility of this encounter becoming the start of something.

For starters her friends are not friends of the marriage . Otherwise your wife wouldnt have felt comfortable disrespecting you and talking about meeting someone else. Secondly your wife hasnt changed her behavior , shes just gotten smarter at hiding it.

It is clear your wifes boundries havent changed or she wouldnt have engaged in conversation with this guy. As far as the transparancy , well there isnt any. Shes still fishing. Maybe this is just comfirmation that you needed to proceed to D .It sure doesnt appear your wife is remorseful and if thats the case at 16 months in I doubt she will ever be.

From Page 2 of your old thread...

I told my wife this afternoon that our marriage would be over if she went to the concert with her friend. She didn't like hearing this. She proceed to tell me that our marriage would not work then. It just so happened that she had an IC session booked with our MC. I suggested we do it jointly if for no other reason but to help us split ammicably. She begrudgingly agreed. The counselor essentially said my WW needed to show me that she was prepared to acknowledge my sensitivities and would need to set boundaries with her friend while I was present in order to get this issue behind us.

Sounds to me like your WW has never installed her own boundaries. She only appears to respond to your repeated threats of divorce. IOW, the boundaries aren't being maintained by her, they're being maintained by YOU. That's not sustainable.

If you both haven't read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, I would recommend it for her "walls and windows" technique. It wasn't only you that your WW betrayed. She betrayed her best friend too. If she doesn't learn and adopt her own set of internal boundaries, she'll never be worthy of trust.

You caught her on the cusp of doing something covertly that she KNEW you would have objections to. That's a pretty big deal in an allegedly "reconciled" relationship.

Having read your JFO post, you really had a lot of hurtful insight into her A. Not sure I would have handled such raw detail. Granted it would have been nice to know what all I was forgiving for sure.

The phone call raises concerns about boundaries - after being unfaithful, she really should avoid situations that can lead to doubt in your mind and possibly lead to further infidelity (just sounds like an inappropriate situation).

As for the critising, it could just be frustration or possibly building a case for support, her straying or possibly incase things go south with the marriage. Either way, not ideal for you who is trying to trust and believe there is a future.

As for rebuilding trust, I think it really depends on the WS and ultimately how/why the A came to be (case by case). Ultimately you do take on a high degree of risk when deciding to R. I am unfortunately not a success story, even with a W who showed a deep desire for R and did everything she could in support of it. 11 years later she had failed again. Ultimately her case is one of not managing boundaries and not dealing with the underlying cause (suspected cause should I say).

It gets a little worse. After listening to the phone call, I asked my wife if there was anything else she was hiding from me. I suggested that there had to be something and she said there wasn't. I said are you absolutely sure and she said yes.

Last night I learned she has been taping some of our conversations. She was doing this for evidence of how verbally abusive I have been.

I felt like this was something she should have told me when she had the chance.

I haven't read your background.

From a quick perspective, though it seems your wife is not interested in truly recovering her marriage.

That's really all the information you need right now to figure out how you want to proceed. The details don't matter.

And, also, if you do have anger management issues, please find a way to get help. That's on you to fix.

I am not a big believer in Karma, but I think the universe was telling you something with that phone call. It was also something that you deep down probably know. She is just not invested in the marriage.

I quickly went through your JFO thread also. She went kicking and screaming in this R. She was never proactive in your healing.

This is just the icing on the cake. It isn't the first time she has done something on the sly. It is just the firs time you caught her. and it was blind luck.

As to taping you phone calls. Her fessing up, which you are right she should have done, is secondary to the fact that she was doing it in the first place. She is obviously setting you up so when things finally go south you will now be the bad guy.

My guess is you know she is not safe for you. I think everyone here who has been through the same thing can see that.

Please hold your head up high and walk away. Send in the D papers and walk away. My heart goes out to you. She is not a safe spouse and she will never be. If she has no remorse now, she never will because this is the hardest time now, not later. It's a work in progress and she is really not doing any work. Talking behind your back, about other men?

Walk away brother.

Dude WTF how could you keep putting up with your piece shit wife another year. Please keep posting because I cannot believe someone put up with that much abuse knowing that she's not marriage material. She's proven over and over again not only that doesn't want to be married to you.! And does not like you at all.! And yet you insist on still being there I don't get it.???

She kept this secret from me for 4 weeks and admitted she had no plans to tell me.

Based on her track record, there is only one reason she would keep this a secret.

Last night I learned she has been taping some of our conversations. She was doing this for evidence of how verbally abusive I have been.

Perhaps she is looking for a way to end the marriage and make you look like the bad guy.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 2:09 AM, September 24th (Sunday)]

I just read your original thread again. Your own mother told you almost a year ago "the marriage is dead". I think at that point pretty much everyone in your thread agreed with that assessment including yourself. Then you disappeared.

Last thing you told us, you were trying to get her to move into her father's place and filing for divorce. What happened? Because your wife didn't show any real remorse from the start of your original thread to finish. I find it hard to imagine she's shown much since then, if any.

I'm not really sure what else we can tell you that hasn't already been said. You got a lot of great advice in your OT. A lot of it still stands. If you need to and haven't read over your original thread.

I am ok with them meeting up in the sense that it was platonic. There are much more concerning issues at play.

She shouldn't be meeting up with men period. She used to be platonic with the AP also.

[This message edited by JS84 at 4:14 PM, September 24th (Sunday)]

She was doing this for evidence of how verbally abusive I have been.

Getting her ducks in a row for D?

PM for you trojan007

Bedman,

Once you get away from your wife I think you'll realize how much better your life will become. To say she is selfish and unsafe would be an understatement. For your own mental well being I would separate asap, you have been dealing with her shenigans for long enough.

Bedman, there is no good reason for her to record your conversations as evidence against you. She is either preparing for divorce or she is using this to assassinate your character with friends and family as a lead up to divorce. That way her A doesn't seem so bad.

Now you know that R with an unremorseful spouse doesn't work and now you're being put into a position where you will have to start protecting yourself. See a lawyer. Ask them what they think of your WW recording you without your knowledge. Prepare yourself for the likelihood of divorce.

why are you trying this R ???

Isn't it obvious where this is going ?

We here can't protect you from her. Only you can.

So what exactly is the holdup ?????

Time to step to the plate dude.

You can't though.....

Dude...