SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, sometime lurker first time poster. This may be Long.. apologies in advance.

My wife started an affair at a job I leveraged my professional relationship with clients to get her. She started there in late Sept 2016 and was sleeping with her supervisor by some point in Dec. I knew (as did my 12 yo son I found out later) something was going on early Jan. 2017. She didn't finally confess until confronted with undeniable evidence the final few days of Feb. She left her job that day as I confronted my client/friend who had hired her and he refused to fire the OM, but let my WS go.

During those 3 months before D-day I barely slept 3 hours a night. Horrific nightmares, fever sweats and panic attacks. My wife told me I was paranoid and crazy and that I should talk to the doctor and get myself medicated. I lost 30 pounds and could not eat much and my work suffered massively.

The next 3 months was a rollercoaster of gaslighting, trickle truth, blameshifting, deception and vilifying, as well as multiple breaches of no contact with the OM. I made all the classic mistakes of comforting her, researching, buying books, reading every resource I could find and scheduling IC and MC for us both. She barely put in token effort. Just moped around watching me do the pick me dance and secretly kept in contact with the OM.

When I finally had enough in May after 3rd NC breach (at my sisters stag party) I kicked her out of the house where she promptly went back to work with the OM and dove head first into a "committed relationship" openly on Facebook for our coworkers, friends and family to see. #NoRegrets (classy right?)

We started co-parent counselling (that I initiated) and made an agreement to not intro/discuss the OM to our 13 and 8 year old kids to allow them an adjustment period for at least 6 months. At the 5 week mark she breached it while I was out of town for my birthday. Our counselor cancelled CP sessions at that point stating there was no point continuing as that was the third or so agreement she chose to ignore.

My son wants little to do with his mom or the OM and resides 5-7 days a week with me. My daughter is 50/50 and every moment she is with her mom she is also with the OM who bribes her with gifts.

My daughter refuses to sleep in her own bed when with me and has epic meltdowns over small things, my son has gotten into numerous fights now in school and has to deal with his mom threatening him with losing his phone etc if he does not accept her new White Knight as part of his life. I've picked him up on her scheduled days within a few hours of him arriving half a dozen times or more because he can't handle the bullying from his mother to accept OM. The OM repeatedly comes over to my WS's home and attempts to speak to my son when he has made it abundantly clear he wishes no contact, and will no longer go to his mom's unless the OM stays away those two days of the week. The forced contact is driving my son crazy and my hands are tied legally. I understand that physical action will create far greater problems but its becoming difficult to keep that in mind.

I am trying desperately to keep my children safe, and rebuild our family without her but it's hard some times doing everything alone, trying to be a good dad and also work on myself and address the very real mistakes I know I made in my marriage.

To clarify, I have less than zero intention or interest of reconciling. Too much has happened for that to ever be a possibility.

I guess my question is.... How long will she be this person I simply can't recognize? Its been 5 months since she was removed from the home and shacked up with OM. Isnt the sparkle nonsense supposed to wear off soon? She used to be such a good mom, even if a poor partner to me personally over the years, as I'm sure she could say about me. I, as well as other family from both sides begged her not to push so soon to my son, I'm worried he will never be able to have a healthy relationship with his mother after this.

How do I keep my kids safe when the legal system doesn't care about any of these things she has done and continues to do?

I haven't been in your specific situation but my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are the only one trying to put your kids first. That is so very sad. It's heart breaking. I'm sorry iy are here and struggling. I don't know much about the legal stuff but I'm sure others will have advice. I would worry about this man. Is there a way you can do a background d. Heck on him or something/ just wanted to let you know that I care. I don't know how long it takes but you may want to google limmerance.

Thanks for the support. I've got police friends who have looked into him. No record they can find, through my industry though I've discovered he does have a pattern of affairs with married women and split with his wife around the time he started sleeping with mine. Alleged infidelity on both sides of his marriage.

And funny you mention limerance, I listened to an hour podcast about that this afternoon! It's part of what prompted me to finally post something.

(Nota)Sucka,

Go for full custody and placement of both kids. Most states/counties will have a process and generally should appoint a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) which is generally an attorney or licensed, professional psychologist. They are appointed to represent strictly the interests of the children. They should conduct an investigation into each parent's suitability, relationships, family, interviewing the kids, etc. Whatever they recommend to the court will generally be followed supported by a court order.

Even if it doesn't get this far, you've at least fired the shot across the bow that you aren't taking any shit from her when it comes to the kids.

Good luck.

Yep, sounds like full blown limerance. The duration varies, but when it wears off, it's a bitch.

I saw my ex wife crash like you wouldn't believe.

Treb gave some good advice regarding kids.

Your children just like you at that age are perceptive about what's going on around them and are not dumb.

Your foundations have been destroyed and during this period of rebuilding there will be emotional and psychological readjustments to this new reality but it's exactly how you act during this time that will resonate hugely in the future with them as well as yourself.

No matter how much they try OM will never be daddy and your wife will never be anything less than the person that broke up the family, so much like anything it's on her to mend the bridges with her kids.

Affairs are exciting because they're illicit. It's triangulation which fuels the illicit relationship so that the affair couple feels united in facing all the odds against them, which then provides them with drama and a "foe" to fight. Without that, all they have is their own broken-ass, morally decrepit selves to face in the mirror each day. You're dealing with selfish people here, so they NEED you and your kids fighting against them to feed their sense of self-importance. Otherwise, the whole thing is rather boring and trite.

In your browser, type the words "gray rock psychopath" and read the articles you find. Learn to be BORING. Provide lots of therapy to your kids. Make sure that they have plenty of things to entertain themselves with when forced to interact with the affair couple like books and handheld game systems. Give them their own phones so your WW can't threaten to take them away. Create a stress-free, safe haven in your home for the kids. Pay for a co-parenting app if you have to in order not to have to speak with her. Minimize every form of contact with her and "gray rock" until they get bored. Remember that narcissists NEED supply, and it doesn't matter to them whether it's positive or negative feedback. All supply is supply. So, stop giving it to them.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but you and your kids will get through it. Eventually, narcissists lose interest when their expectation of supply consistently goes unmet. Make sure it goes unmet in as many ways as possible.

(duplicate post)

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 4:46 AM, September 27th (Wednesday)]

ChamomileTea is absolutely right. Once an exciting taboo affair becomes a live-in relationship with bills, work schedules, nagging, etc. then the shine wears off really quick. Especially with a douche bag like this guy. He's going to crush your ex's heart at some point. You don't have to take pleasure in that if you don't want to but you don't have to hate it either.

Are you using a var on you whenever you are around your wife? I don't know if its legal but it would be great if you could have your son wired too.

Are you keeping a log of everything she is doing ?

Check out dadsdivorce.com

[This message edited by Chappie at 7:06 AM, September 27th (Wednesday)]

6 months to 2 years.

This type will never consistently put the kids first. My ex is very narcissistic and her behavior was/is similar to what you describe. It's always been 'all about her' and that will never change. Some people aren't really cut out for parenthood.If she's like my ex, the worst of her behavior will last about as long as the relationship does. I'd give it about a year since he's left his wife and she's open about the relationship.

Research has shown that children do not need both parents to be reasonable human beings, they only really need one stable caretaker relationship. Of course your job is to be that person. Right now the best thing you can do for your kids is to get them into counseling. Explain the situation to the school counselors if you haven't already done so. This has the side benefit of outside documentation for legal purposes.

Backstory: In our situation, I have full time custody and she sees them every other weekend. She is fine being the 'fun' weekend parent and her relationship with the girls has improved immeasurably since that arrangement has been in place. Girls are now doing better than during the marriage because of the improvement in mom's behavior.

The kids are acting up with you because you're the "safe" parent. So, a bit of good and bad there. They have an awful lot of emotions that they do not know how to process yet.

As for your son, he's 13? Well, we both remember what puberty was like, don't we? And to have his Mom shoving OM on him all of the time. No wonder he doesn't want to associate with her/him and gets into fights at school.

My kids were actually quite reasonable human beings. I'd sit them down, tell them what was going on (age-appropriately) and then talk about how we should act and that solved most of the acting-out issues. Talk about how we need to support each other and talk about how much talking about things helped.

From my personal experience and the experience I have read from other betrayed spouses on this forum, I'm pretty well certain that once someone embraces the It's All About Me mindset, it's very rare for them to rid themselves of it. Perhaps for some cheaters the It's All About Me commitment can be temporary, but I think it's very long lasting for the majority that embrace it in the first place.

My wife has made great strides and certainly has grown to be more empathetic then ever since her affairs, but there is a seed of it's all about me still in her that shows itself on a regular basis even though she doesn't see it.

Why can't she put the kids first? Because it's not about the kids it's all about her. It is tragically that simple.

Same here, my WW only gets the kids every other weekend thank God. She is the worst WW ever since her limerence. Feeds my kids fast food 2-3 times a day, feeds them 7-11 hot dogs and pizza for breakfast, let's them get away with everything- no structure. All she cares about is either being with her POSOM or burying her head in her iPhone/Facebook fantasizing about him. She is a pathetic piece of shit. I have turned my life over to my kids - I get them up, feed them, clothe them, drive them to school, make dinner, do homework, gives baths, laundry, dishes, bills etc ALL on my own. To be honest, it's easier doing it alone because my WW was such a broken clusterfuck anyway and did everything half ass backwards. When my kids get old enough one day, they will see who truly cared and stood by them. Luckily my kids haven't met POSOM, but I know that day will come soon.

How long will she be this person I simply can't recognize?

Forever.

Trust is like a piece of paper. At first the sheet of paper is smooth and fresh. Once it's crinkled up, even if you smooth it out, it'll never be the same.

She broke trust and it's gone forever. This IS who she is now, and the sooner you accept it, the faster you start to heal.

I have some of the same problems with my exwife. I see it as her forcing the OM on the kids. Its easy to see it bothers the kids. It bothers me so I just make the kids my total focus when I have them my week of 50 50. I wish I could tell you how it gets better but I can't at this point. I do get a sense from the kids that the ex and her super awesome OM are having some difficulties and I hope they crash and burn hard and she grows up some. Sorry man.

BTW her and the OM are both social media addicts. Social media is fun entertaining and can be a great tool. My ex took it to a new level of crazy. Seems to be a common problem among the wayward.

[This message edited by NewDayforDad at 2:42 PM, September 27th (Wednesday)]

A couple of things:

1) My H was under 10 when the judge asked him which parent he thought he wanted to live with and why. Sucks that he was ever put in that position, but the parents were accusing each other of being unfit (without hard eveidence either way and social workers were okay with kids staying with either parent) and couldn't agree on custody and co-parenting issues. So the judge involved the kids and asked their opinions. And he ruled the way my H and his sisters wanted. If it comes to it, I think your kids definitely get a say so in whom they would like to live with because they are old enough to know where and with whom they feel safe and comfortable.

2) The worst thing my H's parents did after divorced and custody was decided was to go on like normal and think all this hostility wasn't going to affect them or the kids. As others have suggested, get the kids into therapy. Please. My H is so screwed up from what he went through as a kid and his super unhealthy coping mechanisms helped him pretend to be okay on the outside, all the while suffering on the inside and he developed a toxic way of life that had now affected me and our children. Please, please, please...no matter who has custody, get the kids into therapy!

My sincere advice to you is to keep fighting to make the best of this horrible situation. Things will get better - much better as long as you stay strong and consistent with your kids. It's only a matter of time before they will be in a position to refuse to see their mother. At that point she will very likely become much more attentive to their wishes & well being OR she loses her kids.

To answer the question "How long will she be this person I simply can't recognize?" you need to accept that the person you see now is the person she always has been. She just stopped maintaining her facade of being a good wife & mother for a reason known only to her.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 4:46 PM, September 27th (Wednesday)]

Thank you for all the kind responses and advice, it's been a busy week. Sorry for the late reply.

@midnightrun - have you posted your story on how you ex crashed? I could use a smile today and would love to hear it.

At this stage it's been about 5 months now they've been together. All the family events that for 17 years I attended with her he now goes to with my daughter, my son now skips those events. I'm not in contact with her family other than the occasional casual text with soon to be ex brother in law.

It appears from some FB things I've been sent by mutual friends that her family has basically accepted him as the replacement with no real concern. I'm projecting possibly, but it still stings that these people who I spent more time with than my own family for most of two decades haven't once even reached out by phone or text to me. I dont even know if they know the truth of her affair, they've only heard her bullshit version and timeline.

Maybe that says more about them than me?

My daughter told me she's met OM's family numerous times now as well. I'm almost positive his parents do not know the truth. He was supposed to have been reconciling with his wife while he started sleeping with mine according to mutual friends. At this late stage is it even worth sending a message to his family when I have no desire to reconcile?

It fucking sucks.

I hate how it appears they have this perfect life together with no sign of losing momentum. They've just bought a new car together, work together and now live together. I know I need to not give their potential crash any thought, and it is easier as times passes but some days I feel like wallowing in it for a bit.

If anyone wants to share or link the stories of how their WS crashed and burned when the fairy tale collapsed I'd love to read them.

Mods, can I remove the stop on my post? I'm interested if any WS's are willing to share their stories on how they felt when the reality of their choices came to pass. Most especially how their children dealt with this over time.

Crash and burn story.

My friend married HS sweetheart.

Turned out he was a cheater. Serial cheater. Everyone knew but my friend and her family. His co-workers knew. The neighbors knew b/c he woukd bring them to his house while she was at work.

He had a child out of wedlock he was secretly supporting.

He dumped one of his APs who told my friend. He also had a fiancée. Poor girl young and dumb and gullible.

My friend threw him out. Her divorce attorney took him for it all. If he protested during the trial - his job was in jeopardy given all the info she had on him. So he had to settle.

He married the young and gullible fiancée. Poor girl. They had a kid. He cheated on her. How do I know?? The fiancée turned wife called my friend and said the cheating H never got over my friend divorcing him and STILL CALLED HIS CURRENT WIFE BY HIS XW's NAME!!

He lost everything in D#1. Had two children to support and last I heard was never promoted at his job. So his income potential was limited and his current income stretched pretty far.

Serial cheaters never learn.

My friend remarried a wonderful guy and has been very very happy with her children and family. 👍