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This has not been the week that I had planned. Sunday morning we woke up to realize we had no power. My WS had left her phone in the basement the night before. She got up and went to the bathroom and then went and grabbed her phone. She then comes back upstairs and gave me the “we need to talk”. The OP had text her to let her know his wife knew about the A. His wife then went on and text everybody they worked with about the A. She told me out of necessity because I was about to find out. (She was right less than 10 minutes after she told me the OP wife sent me a FB message). Now my WS promises that they haven’t done anything since Mid August but the flirting continued at work until the end of August. She immediately wanted me to talk about it. And accused me of being “checked out” for not reacting the way she thought I should. We have had our problems. Up until 2013 we worked for the same company. I hated my job and she liked hers. She got a promotion making herself what we were making combined. At the time my first child (her 2nd) was 1 1/2 and was being raised by a baby sitter. Which we both hated. So we decided I would leave the company and stay home. After a few months I decided being a full time STAHD wasn’t for me. So I picked up a part time evening job. She would come home then we would eat dinner and I would go to work. It works out in terms of child care but it really kills the M. That being said she asked for a divorce a little over a year ago. After fighting and arguing we decided that we both needed to make sure we find the time for us. Things were going better for months. Then March/April came around (my schedule was crazy. Working my PT job. I had decided to get my Real Estate Licesne. And baseball was starting with 2 kids playing). The sex pretty much stopped at this point. If I was lucky we’d have it once a cycle. At this point I never thought anything. We were busy and never really saw each other. Turns out while I was work my WS was having an A with her boss. She claims it happened “a couple times in the spring. And then it stopped. (I clean my oldest child’s school so I’m off all summer). Then I always take the kids on a back to school camping trip the weekend before school starts back up. Camping has always been my thing. She’s gone and she was trying to get to like it but never a priority for her. She had to work so she stayed home with the dog. instead of being with her family my WS was continuing the A with her boss. He stayed with her at my house.

The day we came back from our camping trip I was doing laundry and found a shirt that seemed like it didn’t belong to anybody we hang with. So I sent her a picture of it and asked where it came from. Very quickly she said that she had taken a bag of clothes from her sisters and it must’ve been in there. I didn’t believe it (the OPs wife had long accused them of having an affair but she’s never gave me a reason to believe it) and I immediately thought it was his. Fast forward to DDay on 9/24 things were getting better. Our sex life picked back up and we seemed generally happy. Turns out the end of August he asked her to leave and she chose to end it with him and focus on us. According to her we were doing good so as much as she wanted to tell me she didn’t want to ruin us. What she doesn’t understand is that the last month means nothing to me anymore. As I was feeling better about where we were it was all a lie to me. And only because she felt guilty.

I’ve made it clear to her that I plan to attempt reconciliation. That being said she doesn’t understand that it needs to be at the pace I want/ am comfortable with. She’s consistently pushing me to talk more to her about the A and go to MC. All of which I want but just on my time. It hasn’t even been a week yet since I found out about the A. Since pretty much all of the A took place in my house, my room, and my bed I have a hard time sleeping in there. I’ve told her that and she wants to buy a bunch of stuff and redo our room. I’m not certain that’s the best way to spend money at this point. And I keep pointing out that I want R at this juncture but that doesn’t mean we will get R. She seems to have been extremely open about everything and I tend to believe her. (Her timeline matches the timeline I’ve felt we had the problems). However she’s lied before. Plus I told her I needed her to block the OP phone number and on FB. She has on FB but not her phone.

I’m not sure what we need to be doing at this point but I feel like I need more space. And she is so “let’s fix this now” that I feel like she’s now smothering me.

Hello and welcome to the club you never wanted to join.

Make it very clear what you want from her. She should attend individual counseling first before you both try to fix this now.

Are you in individual counseling yourself? There are some valuable resources in the Healing Library to the left-hand side.

So sorry for your pain, you are in the best place to get lots of good advice.

If you feel 100% sure she has told you the entire truth and you are prepared to R then you have have made excellent progress in a short time.

For now go to the Healing Library there is so much good info for you to read. And it might be a good idea to consider IC for both of you, depending how you feel you may be ready for MC as well. Only you will know what is best for you at this time.

This site is awesome, listen to everyone then it is up to you to make the decisions. There are many couples who move on to have a better M after the A. There are also couples who change directions many times on the journey to happiness. Every M is different and you will travel your own path. Good luck and keep posting

Getting rid of everything in the bedroom, especially the bed, is well worth spending the money. And BURN that bloody bed. It will probably make you feel just a little better. Paint the walls if need be. Whatever helps you to feel comfortable is worth spending the money. You might want to even burn the couch also. She wants to "fix things" because she wants to get back to what you had before Sunday. Both of you had lost something in your marriage and then you found it. She then loses/throws it away again. She wants it back. Most WS, who really want R, always seem to want things back faster than the BS. I guess it's just the nature of the infidelity beast. You need to talk with her and explain how you feel. There will never be any R without communication but at your pace. I wish you well.

[This message edited by anoldlion at 1:11 AM, September 28th (Thursday)]

They can't keep working together. One has to go.

Thanks guys. Fortunatley for me the OS text to all the their coworkers got HR involved and he was removed from her branch immedietly. And I made it clear that they couldn’t work together.

My best friend is a pastor with a counseling degree. I haven’t started any kind of formal IC but have talked with him. He’s the only person outside the M I have talked with about it. Since my goal is R I don’t want any external pressure for D or R.

You seem to have a good grasp on what you want and how to get there. I'm almost 4 weeks out from DDay and still in no shape to make any big decisions. You just need to let her know it will take time, lots of time. Hopefully she is sincere and will give you the time and space you need.

I’ve made it clear to her that I plan to attempt reconciliation.

I would make sure you emphasize " attempt". No guarantees.

Have you spoken to OBS? I would, to apologize for not believing her before, and to confirm details, as it may have been going on longer than you realize. Does it matter? Yes, to me it did, because it puts the whole marriage dynamic in better context. Where the difficulties you had due to work schedules and kids, or did the A play a major role, etc.

Your WW needs to find the reason of why, what led her to allow this in her mind. I'm a big believer that until she figures our her malfunction ( and it was hers alone) you can't begin to fix the damage she has caused to the you and the marriage.

[This message edited by twisted at 9:39 AM, September 28th (Thursday)]

I’ve made it clear to her that I plan to attempt reconciliation... Plus I told her I needed her to block the OP phone number and on FB. She has on FB but not her phone.

he was removed from her branch immedietly. And I made it clear that they couldn’t work together.

I understand you don't want any advice that conflicts with what you've already decided, so I'm not going to give you any advice.

But I do have a question. What reason does she give for retaining his contact info on her phone even though she no longer works with him?

BH8,

Having sex with the OM is bad enough; but having it in your marital bed is the ultimate disrespect. I agree with the other poster who said you need to burn the mattress. Yes, really.

As I was reading through your story, two things struck me. One, your wife has received little or no consequences for betraying you; and two, telling her you want to R this soon after Dday is a huge mistake.

As for as consequences:

-Have you exposed her to your family and hers?

-Has she sent the OM a no contact letter that you read and approved?

-Has she agreed to be completely transparent with all her devices? (Her not removing him as a contact should be absolutely unacceptable).

-Have you established new boundaries such as no more GNO's, no more unaccounted for time, no more male friends?

-Have you told her you will except no less than her demonstrating genuine, unconditional remorse?

A yes answer to all of these questions should have been a prerequisite for you to even consider R, much less state to her that's what you want.

I firmly believe that a WS needs to feel what it's like to lose their spouse for cheating. She can't experience that feeling if you commit to R right away. You should take weeks or months to decide and make no promises while you're deciding. You also need that time to judge her remorse and your capacity for getting past this.

Sorry you're here.

[This message edited by badmemory at 9:43 AM, September 28th (Thursday)]

Your WW needs to understand that her affair effectivly killed the marriage and your still going through the process of grieving the loss of it.

Its a little tough reading between the lines... but it looks like it is very likely the affair started up with her raise. Is her boss who gave her the raise her affair partner? Is that the number she refuses to block? If that is so... you are definitely in false R.

As I see it she just wants to rugsweep everything and go on. Going to MC is NOT some kind of magical art form to fix the marriage. Your best bang for for the buck would be for your WW to go through IC to figure out how she could dismiss her marriage vows to forsake all others so easily. Everybody has marriage problems... but not everyone decides to cheat to solve them. If there were problems in the marriage she had every opportunity to discuss it with you first.

However she’s lied before. Plus I told her I needed her to block the OP phone number and on FB. She has on FB but not her phone.

Lying and cheating go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other. I can just about guarantee you that you dont have anywhere near full disclosure. As long as your WW is in contact with OM you HAVE to assume the affair is ongoing. As long as you keep catching your WW in lies your going to have a false R. Just looking at the numbers it takes at the very least 2 to 5 years to get some semblance or normalcy back into the marriage... and that is with the WW bending over backwards to fix things. The ONLY reason your WW told you was because she KNEW she was caught and the sh*t was fixing to hit the fan. Now she wants to fix things? You can't save the marriage attempting to be a one man band.

There are a few foundational things that you should know right now...

1. While you aren't perfect and neither was your marriage, you aren't at fault for the affair. Read that again as it is VERY important. The affair wasn't because you chose to leave the company, worked different hours, were busy taking care of the kids, etc. After all, you were subjected to the exact same circumstances and remained faithful. It isn't your fault.

2. The affair is solely a commentary about your wife. She chose to have an affair because of some hidden character gap inside of her. Until she sorts out what she was after and why she gave herself permission to betray you and your kids, she isn't healthy enough to be a good partner that can do what is necessary for R. She needs to own what she has done and have the self-motivation/perseverance to do the work to change/heal. That typically means that she will need to find a really good IC (individual counselor) who can help her dig deeply into herself.

3. Recovering from betrayal is a process that takes a significant amount of time. Right now, you are in the first stage of a long process -- shock. It is your mind/body's defense mechanism to keep you functioning despite the immense trauma you've just experienced. You'll need to heal from the psychological and emotional trauma before you are fully ready for R too. Be patient with yourself and find those (pastor, friends, an IC, etc.) who can help and support you.

I'd recommend the following resources to help you get moving forward in the right direction...

- The FAQ for betrayed spouses has some really good information on a whole range of topics and can be a good starting point for helping you see the complexities and nuances of the situation you've been thrust into. Go check it out in The Healing Library at http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

- Get a copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" for your wife. You should read it too as it will help you gain perspective on what happened and on what you should be seeing from your wife in the days and weeks ahead.

- Get a copy (either an online PDF or at the bookstore) of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and see if it resonates with you. It has with many other betrayed men here on the site.

As far as actions go, I'd suggest...

- You need to be clear with your wife about some core requirements that you need if R is going to stand a chance including NC (no contact), honesty, transparency and IC. From what you've written, that means that her hesitancy to block his number on her phone is a huge problem. Her focus on getting you into MC (i.e. because you were part of the cause of the A) is also an issue. Further, you didn't mention whether you have her passwords/passcodes to her devices, email, social media, etc. as part of her being transparent. These things are non-negotiable and a first step in trying to rebuild the trust that she shattered.

- If anything is traumatizing to you, there shouldn't be a hesitation to deal with it. You get to set the terms. For me, the bed and couch had to go ASAP and eventually, we ended up selling the house as well.

- While you may hope for R, just saying that you aren't currently interested in pursuing a D and aren't going anywhere is a big gift at the moment. The reality is that you can't R on your own and that while you are willing to offer the gift of R, it is something that your WS will need to demonstrate that she is worthy of.

- Realize that words are cheap and even some actions are only superficial. You'll want to get very good at being able to discern where your wife's heart is really at. In most cases, actions and attitudes will be your key to being able to see more deeply. Not blocking the OP's phone number tells you something. An attitude of "let's fix this quickly and move on" is yet another indicator.

- Keep your eyes wide open with anyone you use for help/support. Some have a gift for empathy and others do not. Some have wisdom and understanding of infidelity and others do not. Some have their own goals/agendas that run contrary to your own interests. The most important thing right now is your own healing, so anyone who is supporting you should be focused on helping you to get through the trauma, allowing you to vent the feelings you have, helping correct any mistaken thoughts such as that this was your fault or that it somehow comments on your worth and then assisting you in gaining strength. Hidden motives, lack of understand and bad advice can seriously compound the wounds that you've suffered. Regardless of what happens with your marriage, you need to heal well.

Finally, just from my own experiences, my last statement applies to your best friend/pastor too. I really hope that he proves to be an awesome resource for you. However, my experience with most pastors was that they are trained across a variety of disciplines, but that the counseling on infidelity/betrayal wasn't deep or specific enough. Even some faith-based counselors didn't have the right set of skills. In some cases, they have the belief that there was joint responsibility for the affair which ends up further wounding the betrayed spouse. In others their sole goal was reconciliation regardless of anything else which would embolden the WS to "play along" (even to the point of not being really remorseful or taking the required steps to change) which would end kicking problems down the road only to resurface later. Whether your friend can be a good IC for you is something you'll want to be very careful about. However, if they "only" end up being a really good friend who is capable of empathy, encouragement and prayer, that is a very good thing.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 9:58 AM, September 28th (Thursday)]

She needs to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". Seriously. Look it up on Amazon, buy it, and have her read it right away. If there is any decent person left inside her at this point then this book will cause her to completely change the way she's handling all this right now which is 100% wrong.

I agree with Nuckingfuts. besides I am wondering why OP is hopping into reconciliation so quickly and why there seems to be such little consequence for the brazen and heartless affair his wife had in his bed.

Also why does she want to talk about the affair and push you into MC so fast ??

MC can be a negative thing as many MC's take sides and often times the wrong side

Great advice from previous posters. Just so u know, telling your WW that you intend to R is probably the least likely way your going to get R. It gives her all the control.

She will continue to walk all over you if she knows she has you as Plan B in her back pocket.

You need to take control of things, focus on you, not her (see The 180 here in the healing library).

Besides, you cannot R with someone who is not remorseful. Is she? If she were you would see these characteristics that I’ve collected from various threads here.

Until you do see this person in front of you, R should be off the table. It won’t work.

I believe You currently no where near have a remorseful wife in front of you. If you did, you would know it.

- She would be inconsolable with the thought of how she was the cause of so much pain to the person she loves most in the world.

- she would be begging to know what she could do to make it right.

- for you she would want to let everyone know it was her that screwed up, not you.

- she would want to read books on how to support her BS. She proactively orders them and starts reading. She actively discussed what she is reading

- she would be in IC as much as possible to figure out what went wrong with her and how she could do this to the person she loves most in the world. She proactively schedules this for herself and also proactively asks her therapist for IC recommendations for you to help you deal with the pain she has caused.

- she would feel your pain more than her own and put your happiness ahead of hers.

- she will gladly answer your questions at any time day or night with no objections

- she would write you a letter of apology highlighting how she must have made you feel

- she would focus most on your well being, ignoring her own

- she would realize what the OM really is and start being sick at the thought of him/her. She would start calling him/her names like POS for how he helped her destroy her life.

- They show remorse thru actions, not words. Examples of this could be that they proactively prepared a written timeline of what happened and are as thorough and factual as they can be.

- Other examples are: They book a polygraph when you are available to attend. And they buy a GPS tracker for their car so they can give you peace of mind. They sell something of value to only them to pay for these things so the cost doesn't come from your joint funds (e.g. Collectibles or jewelry or exercise equipment).

If they are only showing Regret and not Remorse then they will only be giving you words, not actions: e.g. "I'm so sorry. But you can trust me now. I promise you I've told you the whole truth: e.g. "You can trust me now. I love you. It didn't mean anything. I know I messed up - do you forgive me? I was so stupid, but I've learned from my mistakes. It's in the past now and we can move forward. I love you more now than I ever have. I promise it will never happen again, can we move on?"

Finally. THE EFFORT PUT INTO RECONCILIATION! If the betrayer doesn't work harder at repairing the relationship than they did to damage it, it isn't going to work no matter if you stay together or not. They need to be working harder at R than you are.

why is she still in contact with him?

she is still in the A.

how would she feel if you had an A?

has she written a timeline for you?

Is she pregnant? did she get tested for stds?

you do need to know what you are forgiving.

She really resents you, if she had him in your house.

That is a big F*** you from your WW.

Hey all. I want to thank you for the time you gave me yesterday. And all the great resources you have given me. It’s deeply appreciated. I will definitely take the time to read them.

I have obviously made mistakes early in this process. I didn’t intend to tell her of my plan to reconcile. Her sister came over to print something off on DDay. She asked why I didn’t blast her. And I told her that if things can be worked out I don’t want there to be the external pressure from people to do what they want. The problem is that I do think i was in shock early on and I am starting to move out of that phase. The anger I’m currently feeling is new. I’ve always felt hurt but now I’m getting angry on top of it. I haven’t slept great this week. But last night was the worst. I was so restless and would wake up pissed off.

As far as the affair in our bedroom goes I’m not sure it necessarily means she resents me. Honestly as soon as she told me she had an affair I assumed it happened at our house. Knowing the schedule differences between the relationships involved in the A.

She has blocked his number finally. She claimed she couldn’t figure out how to. But she kept his contact information in her phone. (But I do know it was blocked). I do have access to all her electronics. And check regularly. And emails (except her work one). I have asked her about him reaching out to her on it. And she admitted to him reaching out but it was to tie up loose ends from his abrupt removal from the branch. I am also using a connection to get her a job in a different financial institution.

I am extremely intrigued to read that “no more mr nice guy” I have always felt I was extremely nice/guilible with people.

I mean I let her openly discuss openly how crazy the OS was for thinking there was something going on while something was going on.

Again. I just want to thank you all. You all have been a wonderful help as I navigate this process

No need to wait.Here ya go and it's free.

https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy

They can't keep working together. One has to go.

This.

In addition, you do seem to be rushing things a lot. I suggest standing back and letting this soak in before deciding what to do. I'd wait a good 90 days or more before making ant decisions as to R or D.

Thanks Rubin Cubed. I downloaded it last night. I just haven’t had a chance to read it yet.