SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've known for a while now that my wife of one year has been texting her male coworker. Over 700x within 3 months. May have been going on for a lot longer. I couldn't read the texts as I found out through our phone records. However, I did confront her and she did say that some of them may have been flirty. Here apology was weak and she turned it all on me.

She claims that they are no longer texting...but I found her work phone. It was not the truth. Messages read something like this:

Her: my husband found out. my jaw hit the flooor

Him: OMG

Her: He went crazy

Him: thats just wacked

Her: I know

Him: was he able to read anything

her: i don't think so

Her: i think we need to keep it professional

him: agreed

nothing for a few weeks...then...

her: you okay?

him: yes

her: i need a hug from my favorite guy

I didn't have time to read the rest. My question...is this okay? She defends him like he is gross, and she helped set him up with his new GF, and I have lost all trust with her. I have no idea how to get it back or confront her without her freaking out on me again...any help would be appreciated.

A little broken....OneRoad

I hate to say but she is probably cheating. It may be only an emotional affair but it could be a PA as well. He WH had texted his AP excessively for a few months before it turned to a PA. I kept telling him that it was inappropriate and he gaslight me saying it was nothing. I wish I would have listen to my gut telling me it was more.

TipPerm - yes, you are hitting it on the head. She gaslights me big time. Tells me that my version of what has happened is all wrong and there is nothing to worry about.

She hides her phones like it is the most important thing in the world. We haven't been intimate in a month and a half. Hardly and affection.

Odd thing...we have a six year old son. He is from his bio-dad who passed away before he was born. I have no idea how to confront her now as she flat out lied to me about 'ending' the texting.

I know she has gone out with him at least twice. I don't think it's gone past "THE POINT" but...what has gone on so far is nearly unbearable. I can't say a word without her going off on me. thoughts?

That work text has made a few things clear.

The first is that clearly your wife and at least this one coworker have something going on. It may just be dirty texting/sexting or it may be more. HOWEVER, it doesn't matter. What matters is that she is betraying you, your marriage and wedding vows. She now belongs to him.

The second, and obvious, is that she has been, is and will continue to lie to you.

Also, her affections are for others. You no longer matter to her. And she doesn't seem to care.

Here is my suggestion...

1. Keep a screen shot or printout of that text you quoted.

2. I would show it to her and ask her straight up what is the full extent of what is going on- understanding she is going to lie to you- and if she has any interest in continuing the marriage.

3. Were it me, I'd file for divorce. You don't have to go thru with it, but I'd file anyway so she understands the gravity of the situation. She may come around.

4. Expose. If you are on FB, put the text there, tell friends & family your wife is having an inappropriate "personal" relationship with men where she works and a divorce is pending. You ask no one to take sides, but as she has repeatedly lied to you, she will to them and you want honesty to prevail.

5. Read on here about the "180". I would also start with this immediately. Maybe even move or ask her to so she can live her new lifestyle. You need time to think alone about how you want the rest of your life to go.

lastly, you shall never be able to trust or have faith in her again. You are seeing the deceit and lengths she will go to. Even if you reconcile, she will never be honest. You have to, essentially, give her up to her other men and cope with it. She needs not counseling, but deeper therapy for her issue with honesty.

I wish you well.

Hi, so sorry you're here. There is going to be a lot to take in, and it's all going to probably hit you very quickly and it's going to be difficult. I'm sorry. Do take the time to click on the "healing library" on the left side of the page and read everything there.

You need to read and really absorb the fact that you have just scratched the surface of an affair.

700 texts to a coworker is not normal.

No one says "we should keep it professional" if they're not doing something inappropriate.

No one immediately inquires "was he able to read anything" if there isn't something damning to read.

No one says "I need a hug from my favorite guy" in regards to a nice, boundary-strong working relationship.

Your wife is cheating on you. 99.9% chance that they've kissed and had sexual encounters. 99.9% chance that some of those texts involved your wife's nude body, as well as her affair partner's.

I have no idea how to get it back or confront her without her freaking out on me again

Please take this advice. Take a deep breath and DO NOT confront her with anger, shouting, name-calling, accusations, anything else. Don't tell her about the evidence you've gathered (she will lie about it, explain it away, go deeper underground, and you'll lose more information). Anything like that will only fuck you over more and more.

I know it's a lot. Just start here. There is a lot more advice to come. Keep asking questions. Take a deep breath, DO NOT react in anger, violence, etc. You need to be smart right now, stoic, calm, and cool. We are here to help you through it all, keep coming here and getting the advice. Any questions, ask.

I don't think it's gone past "THE POINT"

It very likely has. Almost definite. Don't fool yourself. Seen it a million times here, this story isn't special or different, unfortunately.

Sorry man. Just trying to keep you in reality -- sounds like you haven't been there in a while (through no fault of your own).

That many texts over that amount of time means she is at least in an EA. If it hasn't turned into a PA yet it likely will soon.

You shouldn't accept her communicating with him after work. Period. She can have a hissy fit all she wants, but you need to put your foot down.

I would consider putting spyware on her cell (covertly) and a VAR in her car. Check her cell records regularly.

Sorry, but shes probably cheating. That is exactly the level of texting my WW was doing as well- nothing really smoking gun on the texts because they knew I may look at them. Once I cracked it all open though it was a disaster of a workplace PA going on behind those texts. In the office, in the OM car, on business trips.

You've let her know you're on to her now- it will go way way underground. If they want to carry on- they can absolutely do it at work and on trips if they travel and there is no way to catch them out if they are smart about it. Sucks- but I have been there and tried hard to catch them.

One more VERY IMPORTANT thing: do not tell your wife about this site at all. Keep this a safe space just for you, don't mention it at all.

Some clarifications:

She's gone out a handful of times in the past several months 5. 2 with him for sure. They were with others...but who knows. She's very secretive about going out...with her 'friends from work'. I have no other definitive evidence with the exception of a few texts.

I do have the records of 700 plus messages tho. I want to find some hope here. I love my wife. I love my son. But if she cannot come clean this should end. Now before it gets worse.

My issue is I let her gaslight me and I can't stop her. She just takes it too far. I become the worst person in the world for even looking at her phone. Should I confront or just what...? End it?

She has dragged our family into this. Her friends at work for sure. And her coworker guy. Thoughts? I'm beside myself.

You seem to be asking the same question post after post as if you're trying to drag this out and encourage others....

Only you can end it. The answer is before you.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 8:55 AM, October 3rd (Tuesday)]

I know she has gone out with him at least twice

What does that mean?

Stick a VAR and GPS in her car if you need more proof.

If you know something is going on, sit her down and demand to see her phone. Tell her if she refuses, you are going to the lawyer to start a divorce. She get one chance to come clean, or you will assume she is cheating.

I'm like just about everybody else here that has seen this hundreds of times, and from personal experience. Most likely (90% chance) it is already a PA, and you are about to learn it has been going on for some time and is much more involved than you are wanting to believe.

As much as you don't want to believe it, prepare yourself for it. What you have discovered is only the part she got careless with.

Hi, oneroad, unfortunately, I have to agree with the others. She is already cheating. Probably physical as well. She is not in high school, they text constantly, and she has been out with him on numerous occasions.

Is this guy married?

Don't ever feel bad about snooping, that's how many of us here, including myself, found out the truth.

I highly suggest you place a secret VAR in your home where she does most of her talking on the phone, AND her vehicle. You will most likely find damning evidence.

Gather evidence. Check computer history. If you are able to get to her phone, ipad, take screenshots. Confront her with solid evidence. You will be amazed bc she will still probably lie with proof just like many of our spouses did.

Hell, hire a private investigator if you have to.

She is lying. She is cheating.

Understand, those who have nothing to hide hide nothing.

I have to say that I do talk to men on FB but can't imagine saying any of those things. I'll share the comments on my threads with my H but he mainly finds them boring.So I don't have a problem with men and women having friendly conversations.

But wow! Putting myself in your shoes, I would have a fit about now had my H been having conversations like those. So sneaky and if I read the thing about the hug?? You don't want know.

I'm really sorry.

Yes, that is an emotional affair. She is cheating.

Ok guys...so this may just sound like a stupid question at this point...based on what I've told you so far...is there ANY chance this was just an emotional issue and nothing more? Is it possible she just got a little carried away?

All of the responses so far make me sick. Not that you are giving me bad advice...I've never had to go through this before...

And another question...do I give her a chance? IE - she must come full clean of course...and I suppose there would be an ultimatum...

OneRoad -

If you can't have a civilized conversation about the topic, why don't you write her a letter. State exactly what you have been observing and how you feel about it. Although her lying, her behavior towards her phone and her activities with her coworkers are red flags, you want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Don't use a confrontational tone on your letter. Just express your feelings. This way she knows where you stand.

What is you stance on EA? Is this a deal breaker? Minimum, this is what's occurring. You are not married that long and she is already putting doubts in you head. If she continues to minimize her relationship with her male coworker, she is demonstrating that she poor boundaries and you might want to reevaluate you relationship.

HotDog - I have often thought of a letter. That may be the best approach. However, she likes to keep things simple and not go to deep.

As for the duded...he isn't married and she claims that she set HIM up with his new GF.

I don't want to keep lying to myself either. I'm a wreck. I think you may be right as well...she may not fully understand what my expectations are from our marriage.

I can tell you something else...I FB message my BBFs GF about some cake I wanted her to bring for Xmas last year. I got read the riot act for it. Getting gaslight like crazy.

You might want to ask yourself if you can continue to be with someone that you don't trust?