Thanks for all the responses. I read a lot of things that I think I needed to hear. It helps to know that other people walked this path too.
First, some people suggested that we find different jobs so we can spend some more time together. We both generally enjoy our jobs and practically speaking we are "indentured" to our employer for a few more years, and a lot of our work happens out of state or overseas. Travel will probably decrease a little by 2020 or so. I think we'd like to do this but it isn't feasible.
Second, many of you suggested that I/we need to take positive action and work on our marriage together and/or that I need to talk to her. I think you folks are right on both points. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet.
But It's hard not to focus on my kids and hide from my marriage at home. And work provides a convenient excuse too. My kids light up my day. I'm not a perfect dad, but my best "me" typically comes out when I'm around them. They're the only people I've ever loved who haven't hurt me.
Pyschmom's point that she didn't see "the conscious choice to work together" really nailed it. I'm hiding. I've nibbled around the edges of having a serious talk with her, but I'm scared about what's going to come out of my mouth because I'm not sure what I feel.
Stayedforthekids question about whether I felt alone because of work or alone because of the affair articulated my dilemma about why I haven't made, on my end, that conscious choice to work with her. The answer to the question is I'm not sure, I think maybe both.
Waitedwaytoolong- I forgave my WW, but There is always the voice inside my head reminding me that I "lost". I try to tune it out and it usually works, but not always. Never heard it described that way, but that's the way it feels sometimes. I've had quite a few experiences where I do all the things you're supposed to do and I still lose. I made peace with the concept that life isn't fair a long time ago, but it's really hard to go home and then suddenly have something trigger you and be reminded that you lost, for a little while, with the only woman you've ever loved.
On most days, the feeling-it's like very mild tinnitus-almost invisible background noise. On a good day, it's nonexistent. On the few bad days I have, it's a "cement truck driving through a nitroglycerin factory."
I feel alone partially because of work because neither of us have the energy for anything after what amounts to a ten hour work day and spending time with the kids. Physical intimacy, aside from goodbye/hello kisses, is more than either of us typically have energy for. And while I don't expect passion and romance every time, its steadily getting less frequent and more perfunctory and mechanical. And coupled with being a BH, this negatively impacts my self-esteem and makes me less willing to be intimate and connect and it feels like a bad/no sex death spiral. Especially if I'm feeling low enough to turn her down when she tries to initiate, which I'm certain creates the same problems I have for her.
It's partially work, but as I started getting into, it's partially the A. I put myself out there when I proposed. And when the going got tough, she cheated. When I found out she cheated, I threw up. But we went to sleep that night in the same bed. I held her as she cried herself to sleep. I had no idea I was capable of responding like I did. I still loved her in that moment and wanted to be there for her. I put myself out there that night in a very big way. And now the going is getting tough again. And I'm worried about what happens next if I was wrong to do it.
What I want is for her to start to fix it. I'll do a lot of heavy lifting, I'm not done with this marriage. But what I really want is to not have to take the first step this time to fight for us. I know she knows stuff isn't great, because we did talk twice about trying to spend more time on us. But I started those talks. I really want her to take the initial positive action so I will feel safe again at jumping back all in.
