SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First time post, I apologize if it's choppy.

Met H in '95, married in '01, 2 boys, 6 and 10 y/o

D-day was 7/15/17 after a 3 month EA with AP who was the husband of a lifelong friend. I can recognize now that I had been attracted to him for a couple years, but never acted on it, never even considered it until he told me earlier this year that my friend/his wife cheated on him multiple times earlier in their marriage. Then I, all too easily, jumped into a fantasy with him, forgetting our responsibilities to our spouses and families, feeling sorry for him and wanting to help. Helping in the worst way possible, destroying 2 marriages. I take full responsibility for the affair, I've been trying to make it up to H since D-day, acting in desperation and being ashamed of what I'd done to our family, which seems at times to only make it worse. Intimacy doesn't seem to be an issue for us, but we are assigning different meaning to our intimate time together, but it's soothing for both of us and seems to regulate our moods.

And I thought it was better to invent an AP than tell H who he actually was, thinking that I was saving their marriage, by telling more lies, all the while destroying my own, possibly beyond repair. Dragging an innocent man into my web of lies was the lowest point, downright evil.

I've put my H in a terrible position of trying to live with and love a cheating liar. With H's help, I've been trying to look inward and be empathetic towards the hell he's living in. We've had quite a few all night discussions, with a lot of his introspection leading the way.

I am struggling to look inward at the reasons why, beyond selfishness and wanting to feel young and sexy and wanted. Those are incredibly shallow, stupid reasons to break my wedding vows to a wonderful man. H has always been more affectionate, providing intimacy freely, whenever I wanted or needed. We've had our ups and downs in our 22 year relationship, most of our disagreements were about finances.

We are both in IC with someone who specializes in infidelity. I know I need to work my introspection and empathy. I need to be a safe person for H to be around, I'm not there yet. I want to protect H and provide him with the stability and security he deserves. He definitely deserves better than me. I love him very much.

Our parents have suffered some medical issues that has taken away from our healing time, but I'm trying very hard to maintain my focus on H and our marriage. I know I shouldn't try to save the world and when I do that, I fail more than I succeed.

I pray everyday that we will someday move towards R and forgiveness, but I know this is months or years away.

Hi there BadMom9,

Welcome to SI. It sounds like you have taken some steps on the path to healing from infidelity. Here you will find many fellow travelers who can give you perspective, advice, support and who will call you out on your bullshit if needed. This place has helped me so much and I hope it helps you too.

I don't know how much reading you have done here but a good places to start are:

* the Healing Library. There is a link in the yellow box in the upper left hand corner. A lot of it is directed to the Betrayed Spouse perspective but I still found it very useful to read.

*The book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass was also super helpful for me in the early days.

*One I read later but wished I'd read earlier is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair" by Linda J McDonald.

*The post "Things every wayward spouse needs to know" by HUFI-PUFI

It sounds like you let the truth come out in stages rather than all at once. You've probably figured out that the added lying (beyond the affair lying itself) have done extra damage that will need to be acknowledged and healed. Given that, does your husband know everything? I mean everything. Is there any information you are holding back because you are afraid of the consequences, afraid of hurting him worse than he is already hurt, afraid of being caught still lying, afraid of...fill in your fear here. Anything not related to this affair but that you're keeping from him?

Giving up the whole truth about who you actually are is important, not just for him to be able to make choices about his life that are reality-based but for you too. Until you claim your whole story, as terrible as it might be, you will not have real connection with your spouse and it will also be very difficult to change the brain wiring that allowed you to betray and lie about it. Lies that are discovered rather than confessed are far more damaging. And even were they never discovered continued lying makes it impossible to show up authentically and stunts healing from this travesty. It harms you, it harms your husband and it harms the relationship. So get it all out there, once and for all, if you have not already.

Nearly every WS on here has been where you are...facing a big tangly knot of painful feelings, memories of terrible choices and a BS that is reeling. It might seem like it can never be untangled but it can. It takes time and patience and perseverance and a willingness to work through some really uncomfortable feelings. It's great that you are in counseling and that you have a sense that healing from infidelity is in the long game, not a quick volley.

It's really easy to get defensive in the face of the mess we created but (and I wish I had been able to do this sooner) dropping your defenses is probably the best thing you can do. If something makes you feel defensive, rather than armoring up, get curious.

Keep reading and post when you have questions. Proceed with conviction and valor. Best to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

Thank you, EvolvingSoul. I've read all 3 of those suggested, How to help your spouse heal from your affair, not just friends, after the affair and the hufipufi post, those are all insightful readings.

Yes, it was much more hurtful to H by doing TT and not volunteering information. I am a cowardly liar. I have since written out a narrative of what happened during the affair, and have disclosed every detail of the affair. What we are currently struggling with is why, why did I think it was ok to do what I did and lie about it continuously. I never condoned what I did, I was a hypocrite who still went to church (I'm catholic and already carry a mountain of guilt for a number of reasons) and professed to be faithful. I went to confession after D-day and the full disclosure had happened. That was an important step and while God and the priest absolved me of my sin, I am still remorseful and regretting what I've done to a good man. A thousand confessions won't heal the soul of a broken man. I know I broke his heart and only with time, patience, perseverance and love, will I ever be let into his heart fully again, if ever.

I want to prove to him that I am trying to do the heavy work of repairing the marriage but sometimes feel lost. He now says he loves me and can picture a future with me, and assures me he is not making any plans to leave. Our boys deserve a stable home, they've been acting out a bit, knowing something is wrong. That's a soul crushing truth, that when they find out what I've done, they can't unhear what a terrible person their mom is. That I am capable of callous, self-serving, vicious lies and betrayal to the person I love most in the world. That I am someone I never thought I'd be, someone I'd judged in the past as a bad person. Now I look in the mirror and see a coward. I pray for strength and hope that I can make things right and continue to grow and change for the better.

Thank you again for your post, EvolvingSoul

I want to prove to him that I am trying to do the heavy work of repairing the marriage but sometimes feel lost.

Lost is a pretty normal way to feel under these circumstances. We put ourselves in uncharted waters on so many levels when we go down the infidelity path and then try to heal the damage we did to ourselves and our loved ones. Consistency, transparency and curiosity are the keys. Stay open. Keep your defenses down. And keep on keeping on. Some days what seems to be a big help on other days is a complete disaster. Your BS will go through different stages of grieving the marriage he thought he had, the wife he thought he had and you will be doing some hard grieving yourself. Of your self image, who you thought you were, etc. You have to go through it all, and if you're like me you have to develop the tools for dealing with difficult feelings in a wholesome way as you go. If we had had them to begin with we would not probably not be here.

As far as your boys and what they think of you is concerned, I don't have kids so I can't completely understand the fears that go along with them knowing about what you have done. I would like to say, though, that you should give up language like "what a terrible person their mom is". Infidelity is not something you are. It's something you did.

It takes great courage to own what you did and work for years to clean up the mess. That is what you can show them. I speak from the personal experience of being a child whose parents marriage was rent by infidelity and then rug swept, twice. I never saw real consequences for infidelity and I never what successful recovery looks like. They have a strained and dysfunctional marriage that has never really healed to this day. You can't undo what you did but going forward you can be one hell of a role model for them on how to own your shit and clean up your own messes. So take heart. Have courage. And persevere.

Be careful and mindful what you tell yourself about yourself too. For example - your screen name bad mom ??? Hurts my feelings and gosh I wouldn't want to think that about myself. You want your thoughts healthy and moving you in a good direction - eg goodmomnow or something equally as positive.

Anyway - you've found a good place that will help you. Stay posting and let us know what you're going through. Think more of your H than yourself and you'll be off to as good as start as you can.

Edited to add - your behavior was bad and hurtful to your whole family - I'm not sidestepping responsibility for that. Just try to focus on the good so you don't get overwhelmed.

[This message edited by gonnabegr8 at 9:15 PM, October 13th (Friday)]

Dragging an innocent man into my web of lies was the lowest point, downright evil.

Was there any fallout for the made up AP? This was a real person not an imaginary man? Did he know you were naming him as the AP?

Sassylee: Yes, this person was real, no they didn't know I was naming them. Fallout was prolonging the TT for 3 weeks after D-day, then naming the actual AP and a deep betrayal to H on my part. A devious, deceitful act, something I am certainly not proud of at all and eternally grateful that this innocent person never found out what lies I'd told. When I look back at the mountain of lies I told, I am truly disgusted with myself, I hope to delve into introspection with H and IC to figure how I could allow myself to do terrible things and tell awful, hateful lies.

Well that’s one blessing...imagine if your BH confronted him or set out some sort of revenge...yikes!

You had access to your AP, but never had sex? Bc that's what an EA is, an "emotional affair".

I am the BH.

She had an EA/PA. She still minimizes the truth to this day. It is disheartening.

Here is a thread I started about the dishonesty:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=611366&HL=60555

Here is a thread with more background:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=611269&HL=60555

I don't want to come in here and cause her problems or make her feel bad. In my opinion she has big problems being honest with herself, first and foremost.

Did they have sex? Nobody with ever know the whole truth except her and the AP. She is still way too defensive anytime a discussion of the affair gets too deep.

I am trying hard to get off the emotional roller coaster. I am trying to stabilize myself for my own sake and the kid's sake. To see my kids act out destroys me. I can't allow them to be affected anymore. I am willing to shoulder the risks associated with a wife who has problems with self honesty. I have no more illusions about our marriage and I will have my eyes wide open going forward.

have you thought about how you would feel if your spouse had an affair?

really think about it, it will help you see a little how an A is like dropping an A bomb on your marriage.

I am not perfect and I have made rotten choices in the past. One of the worst things to do after the bad choices is the TT.

Hope you have stopped all contact with the OM. (including inside your head and heart) the OM attacked your kids with the A.

hope you can write a true timeline for your H and go complete NC. You felt sorry for the OM because of his wife cheating. Now feel sorry for your H , because his wife cheated.

One important thing to do is to protect your H and your marriage. You protected the OM by naming someone else. Start protecting your kids and your H by putting them before the OM.

Your family should come first. Sounds like the OM will get no pain from this, but your H gets all the pain that you were helping the OM to recover from his wife's A.

You put your H in pain to protect the OM.

Hope you can protect your H and your kids.

Give your H the complete truth and start protecting him if you ever cared for him like you did the OM.

please do not use your H as a backup plan. He should be first and protected from pain. do not TT and give him more pain.

before I married my wife, we were in a long distance relationship. I had not seen her over a year, almost two years. we wrote letters. while I was away, a woman invited me and my buddy (another male) over for dinner.

while there, she grabbed me. I was young. we did not go all the way, but I am ashamed at what I did. the other man (we were about 19 or 20) was watching tv in the other room.

when i did go to see her, I told her I needed to tell her about this, and I did. I then stopped all contact with her because of what I did. This was the first contact in almost two years.

I did not stop the woman. I did that. My future wife to be was extremely hurt. I left her alone, with no contact from me. I knew she had gone on dates while we were apart.

at least I did tell her what happened. a few weeks later I got a phone call from my wife to be. (I did not know it at the time) I thought we were done, that she was done with me.

After she started the contact, we were a few hundred miles from each other. we did start dating again. We did get married and we have been married for a long time.

I am ashamed of what I did and the pain that I caused. I am glad that I told her the entire truth.

we have been married now for over 40 years, some good, some bad. I know she still thinks about it from time.

I think she has gotten me back recently.

I am starting to know how she felt.

She denies that anything happened, but I do wish she would be honest with me. I did get some phone calls , but she said they were lies.

Hope you find some peace and help your H.

So actually after seeing your Hs post here (who seems very clam and level headed in his approach to you and this situation - so kudos there swatter) I am hopeful for you guys.

He married you because you "are" his dad - and he's longing for healing from that relationship. You do what he needs you to and you'll both be healed. fix YOUR lieing, cheating behavior and come clean and you can both experience a great amount of happiness together. Sounds so easy in writing and theory......

You eff'd up royally, B9 (I refuse to call you a badmom as noted above but your abbreviation of BM isn't much better). Sit w the fact that you brought a totally innocent person in to this who would have had a lot messed up because of you (false AP) good thing your H checked things out. Think about the innocent person you basically slaughtered in your H and what about the babies? Now they have adultery in their world in a personal level because of you.

I don't say/write all of that to make you feel bad - but maybe you'll look at your actions without becoming defensive.... I did it too so I am NOT casting blame at all.

Your probably benefit from going nuclear no contact - NONE - EVER - NO REASON - EVER..... and listening to your H. Focus on your kids, find healthy outlets for your pain, make good choices w regard to food, exercise, alcohol and begin to rewire your thinking.

You guys are very recent to d-day. It's gonna get A LOT harder before it gets better.

OP - your EA/PA wasn't three months if you've been pining for him for two years.

Take that seriously - you've been draining marital energy on this AP for a long time.

OPH/Swatter - she is coming clean w some details in her affair here wrt to it being a PA. Is this the first time you're hearing this? So-so-Sorry you're here.....

Yes, I would feel devastated if H had an affair. Now that I've had one and have seen the pain and utter destruction it's caused, I would take it away in a second if I could. I've broken his heart. I know H is reading this, and yes, I left out the PA. I did TT for 3 weeks after D-day, again, it was so much more hurtful that I didn't tell him up front who it was and everything that happened, causing more distrust and pain, and certainly prolonging any hope of beginning recovery.

He is convinced that AP and I had sex, but we never did. All of the encounters leading up to D-day would indicate that we should have had sex, 2 consenting adults that were alone and attracted to each other, what else could have happened? I know on H's threads here on SI, everyone thinks I'm still lying, that I haven't told the whole truth and that AP and I had sex multiple times. AP and I certainly talked a lot about it and sexted about it over the 3 month A, especially since AP wasn't getting any. I was still having regular sex with H, we had been trying to have a 3rd baby for the last 2 years, so yeah, sex was on the regular. I was even bragging about that to AP.

As far as AP and I, we had limited meet-ups because we were both busy with work and kids and didn't have many opportunities without arousing suspicion with our spouses. So we mostly sexted, texted, nearly every day for 3 months, even while I was home or with the kids. That was disgusting, H was disgusted by that revelation, that I was thinking about AP while I was with my family. I pushed aside my feelings of responsibility in favor of my own selfishness and was swept up in fantasy and freedom to be sexually explicit over sexts with AP. Our meet-ups consisted of meeting in my car outside a restaurant to talk about what we were going to do next, meeting up for a late happy hour (I had to ask MIL to baby-sit, ugh, bringing her into my lies made me feel disgusted, but I did it anyway) and made out in the parking lot next to the car, met up to walk/run in a park and a few kisses by the car.

I was invited over to AP's house for a BBQ with mutual friends, H didn't come (because I didn't want him to be there with AP) but I brought my boys, and AP and I tried hard not to be obvious but I started drinking and was obnoxious and AP's wife (my former good friend) was definitely suspicious after seeing us together. That was monumentally stupid, and callous to think she wouldn't see what was happening. H had gone to a concert with his brother a couple weeks before that and had taken the boys to spend the night at brother's house. So I was alone. Of course, I invited AP over, but he actually never came over, couldn't get away from home without a lot of suspicion. Covering up that lie was especially hurtful to H, it took him several weeks to believe that AP was never here.

The last encounter AP's wife was out of town, kids too, so I went over to AP's house, fully intending to have sex, but we didn't, ending up making out, just underwear on, talking about us. Of course, any rational adult with a brain would say that's impossible, of course you had sex, you're lying. AP was impotent, didn't have a condom, and was afraid of STDs. AP only got BJs from his wife and apparently had conditioned himself so much as to not get aroused without a lot of stimulation. An unbelievable truth, but still the truth, H doesnt believe that at all.

Yes, we'd texted about it quite a bit, but a lot of our texts were establishing an emotional connection. Admitting that I wanted an emotional connection and was falling in love with AP was something I was fighting the hardest against. I felt if I didn't fall in love, that I kept it strictly physical, that it was somehow less terrible. Such a foolish, selfish line of thinking. Not to sound too sexist, but that sounds like what a man would think. It's women who want an emotional connection. AP and I insisted that we didn't want to leave our spouses and that we didn't want an EA. I was falling more quickly than AP was, that was clear. If H hadn't found out, AP and I would have probably gone further and had sex at some point. H correctly had said many times that the A ended simply because I got caught. I had deleted previous phone calls off my cell phone after I came home from AP's house so H downloaded a program that retrieved deleted text messages = D-day. I was incredibly defensive and still am when it comes to admitting what I did. Maladaptive ways of coping and trying to minimize the pain by not talking about the truth and how H is feeling is not the road to recovery. I'm typically a private person, very stubborn, who insists on handling everything and everyone myself. I want to explore this mental barrier further in IC, probably stems from childhood ways of coping. Minimizing things meant I was strong and able to handle things on my own. Showing weakness has never been my MO.

I have stopped all contact with AP, have not seen him since D-day, that's also something H doesn't believe. That I could go from texting AP daily, wanting to have sex with him to no contact at all. H wanted AP to email him to talk about what happened so I called AP from a work phone (untraceable) to see if he'd back me up on the lies I made up regarding who the AP was, and he said he's never sent an email. The final time I talked to AP was 3 weeks after D-day was again from work, that's when he told me that he told his wife everything that's happened. That was the last contact I've had with AP. I never want to see or talk to him again, it's a terrible mistake and series of events that now represent the worst time in H's and my life. That's same day I told H who AP really was, lots of fallout after that. The TT and forced confession is the most hurtful part of the A, I can see that. I should have voluntarily told H everything from the beginning, from the first time I found AP attractive and when AP was flirting with me.

AP's wife was a lifelong friend, and she has texted me since full disclosure, saying she's forgiven me. I think she's rugsweeping, acting hyper-religious, quoting the Bible and directing me to ask God's forgiveness. She has said that AP doesn't want to go to counseling but they are committed to staying together for their 2 kids. So I guess AP is a mad-hatter now? Am I using that term correctly?

I was WAY too concerned about AP and wife's marriage and what our friends would think of me, that's what got me into this mess. I certainly am lacking empathy, I am trying hard to put myself in H's position and what he could possibly think of me and our future. He is devestated and sad, angry that I could be so selfish and not have any insight into what I did and what lasting effects the A will have for the rest of our marriage.

Insight, introspection and empathy are all things that I am lacking that I need to work towards internalizing, with help. H has been incredibly patient and giving of intimacy. I hope to do the same.

A madhatter is a spouse who is both betrayed and wayward...as in both spouses cheated in the marriage/relationship.

Take a polly - I actually believe your story because I know how eff'd up affairs are but I totally see how your H and a bunch of BSs would not. However - in some scheme of things it doesn't matter you've done so much damage. Start making better decisions - take a polly.

Monday.

harrybrown, gonnabegr8: thank you for your posts. Very insightful, I need to put H first and my kids' happiness before my own, I acted very selfishly for a long time. I am having trouble with facing my own failures, I know that. I hope to continue to learn more about myself in IC, increased self-awareness so I don't slip back into old behavior or vulnerability. True Empathy is what my H needs, I'm trying hard to do that, but I falter and fail. Rewiring my thinking, that's a good place to start along with IC and finding empathy, kindness, patience for H and myself, make good choices and thinking of my family first.

No, this is not the first time H is hearing this.

harrybrown, I hope you and your wife find honesty and truth in your marriage to go the distance. Starting out long distance put a strain on the relationship and requires added trust, that goes both ways. H and I were long distance for a time when I was in college, but we made it work through open communication and making the most of our time together. 40 years together, all relationships need work to maintain happiness and joy, I know nothing that's worth any value happens passively.

gonnabegr8, thank you for your support

40 years together?!?

I thot you were much younger than even marriage at 9'or 10 would make you. LOL!

You guys gotta figure this one out. My heart breaks for your H - he sounds so earnest. He said his dad is a pathological liar. I'm probably of supposed to bring that in from another thread but suffice to say he picked you for a reason.

Your true healing will come when you do the things he needs you to do. For now - I'd just love on him. I did that for my H early on and it seemed to help him.

Keep us posted

You should volunteer to take a poly. Not having sex--in some form--seems incredulous.

gonnabegr8: no it hasn't been 40 years, lol. I was replying to harrybrown and his reply. It's 22 years together, 16 years married for me and H, I'm 39, he's 44.

I'm having trouble opening up my feelings to him and admitting to myself why I had the A. Certainly it was failures in my thinking and weakness in my character to think that it was ok to cheat. My brother's wife cheated on him, he's now remarried, but I saw the signs before they did. He's incredibly private and held back all the problems they were having and didn't ask for any help. I see myself in the same way, I don't have healthy coping strategies or enough introspection to see past selfish reasons.

I need advice on how to fix myself so I can be there fully for H. Any hints on how to facilitate introspection? I saw on another thread that a WS found SI more helpful than MC. Certainly posting and replying here everyday is more helpful than once a week in an office. H is angry and sad, I want to give him space but when ambivalence sets in, I feel powerless, he doesn't want comfort or someone to fight with or vent to. Sometimes I think he wants comfort but I don't want to push too hard and seem desperate. I've acted in desperation for many weeks, that's not healthy. I've told the truth and he thinks I'm still lying. Other than a poly, what else can I do?