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Any reason why the poly isn't enough of an answer to convince your H it's the truth?

The only other option is he would need to trust you at your word...and that's not gonna happen. So why not schedule the polygraph? Imagine how, that little bit of proof to back up your words, will put your BH's mind at ease. It won't undo the betrayal but at least he won't have mind movies about sex or feel tainted while being intimate with you...and it would demonstrate your ability to now be truthful.

It's a win/win...unless it won't back up your word...

[This message edited by sassylee at 5:04 AM, October 15th (Sunday)]

I don't believe in the accuracy of a polygraph, so it wouldn't ease my mind.

The fact is that she lied so much, yet she wants me to believe a silly and convenient story. She has dug herself a deep hole and I would be a fool to take anything she says based only on her word.

It is what it is. I wish I could say something hopeful, but I am done with her lies about the affair. She just needs to keep them in her head where she can fool herself into believing them. I watched my Dad do this crap for much of my life.

I think what might help BM9 is if you develop empathy. Fast. For example, it might help you and BH if you could were thinking:

"I have lied repeatedly, so much and so often about almost every aspect of my affair that my BH has no idea if I'm telling the truth anymore".

Instead, you wrote:

I've told the truth and he thinks I'm still lying.

Stop think about yourself. That's how you got to where you are now. Think of things from his perspective. It's not his fault he still thinks you're a liar. You've lost his trust. This was once automatically given. But for now, quite rightly, withdrawn. You cannot demand that he believe you.

You and only you put him that position. You even called your affair an EA in your OP. We'd never have known if your BH hadn't posted.

And to be frank, I wouldn't believe the story of your final encounter either. You would not believe the amount of times two grown adults in an affair go to the trouble of getting a hotel room to just "talk". Or having sexted for months suddenly encounter ED. Or if they do go through with the sex is invariably bad. Heard it all before.

It's easy to forget that when you went over to his house to have sex, the betrayal had already happened. What happened after you got there are fine details, no matter how implausible. Knowing you wanted to go trough with it, but were only stopped by circumstance, is not all that comforting.

My suggestion is that moving forward, you spend more time trying to empathise and see things from your BH POV. Then, you'll have a better idea of the hole you're in and begin to find a way out. At the moment you still think like a Wayward (selfishly), which is not unusual, but it means you're still digging.

My wife doesn't want me to post on the thread anymore, so I will stop.

You lied to your H over and over. Then you come here and your first post to a bunch of strangers is a lie.

Your H has no reason to believe you, and neither do we. You want to heal your H? Come clean. Yes, it will raze your marriage into ashes, but then you and your H can truly start to heal. Continuing the lies will only result in D.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 7:19 AM, October 16th (Monday)]

feeling sorry for him and wanting to help.I know I shouldn't try to save the world

This is a good place to start in changing yourself. The need to be a KISA in order to feel value. It wasn't for him. It was for you. To feel good doing something and getting ego kibbles from someone else even if it destroys someone else. Do you do good (even if the good is not) just to get an "atta boy" or do you really ever do anything for a truly selfless act. Look at this and think more; feeling sorry for him and myself and wanting to feel wanted and valuable by helping. Ask yourself if you are a "yes" person to get value and an ego boost.

wanting to feel young and sexy and wanted.

You have started some of it. Now look at the ways and what you do throughout your life so far to feed that. R can move forward at a good pace once you face these things, own them, admit to yourself and him that you are like this, and change it.

Are you sure that she cheated on her husband? Is this from her or her husband's mouth. Waywards lie all the time as you know first hand.

I'll admit to dropping in - reading and skimming to get up to speed but badmom: all of what you're writing here about your feelings is normal. You need to focus on your healing and your H needs to focus on his.

I'm glad he said a poly doesn't suit him because if it were only you - the. You shud do it. My H and I didn't go that route because I told him everything. In hindsight he probably heard more than he wanted to and/or would have ever asked.

You didn't bring that total honesty to your table but it's not too late. Start being honest with yourself first and then being honest w others follows.

Seems ok to me you asked him not to post here (a lot of couples do that) but his perspective is helpful. He is the guiding light to your healing - get under your skin and in to your mind that what he wants is what you need to do but not at the risk of sacrificing yourself.

I'm sure one of those Star Wars, lord of the rings or the hobbit movies did a really good job at that message - they always do! But I'm no movie buff so maybe you guys have an analogy that will work for you.

Your brain and thinking need to be re-wired. What you did is wrong and whatever lead you to that set of actions will repeat unless you intervene. (Nuclear and immediate - you can't take your time w this stuff)

You can't do that on your own. Seems a bit soon for MC for you guys to me. Keep posting here - people will keep it real for you.

What I did early on was complety focus on H - did everything around the house and with our kid as much as possible even tho I also work a pretty demanding full time job - that way he could focus on himself and healing. You need to get thru the triggers and land mines of the first year. I counted the days from d-day - we are two weeks out, four months, eight months. Every day I passed was a day further away from the worst dAys of my life. But just time passing doesn't get it done - it's how you spend the time. I'd say IC for you to support this major life change you need to make and maybe for him to help his hurt if he wants.

You have gone completely NC right? That is an absolute basic. WWs are funny - well not funny but eff'd up - I broke my nail can I call my AP? I sti have his shirt and it was his favorite - can I call him? Blah blah.

Hi - NO. CONTACT. Can't be clearer - no matter what. Your AP is a former friend H so you've got to be very insistent and clear with that.

In your head, memory and wishful thinking it will be harder - but for now at least make sure there is no contact IRL.

Your H is your fist priority now - not your kids tho they're a close 2nd - not yourself you were for a long time and sucked enough energy from your family.

Your focus shud be 100% on your H - oh yeah and he won't thank you for it al all. You're just lucky to have the opportunity to be with him in this space at all. After what you did - you don't deserve it. And I only say that cause it was true for me too.

It’s been way too long since I’ve posted. In fact, H suggested it, since I’ve been only passively reading for the past few weeks.

It’s been 4 months since D-day for us now. We’ve been talking many nights and I haven’t been doing enough for him. I know I’m not a safe partner yet. Admitting simple feelings is difficult for me and H has an even more difficult time understanding otherwise intuitive things that come easier for him.

We’ve had a few MC sessions but it seems too soon, I know that’s how H feels and I agree. I have a lot of work I need to do individually first to face my issues and address them head on to figure out the “why”. “Why” is still a very big question. Yes, selfishness, greedy behavior, self-serving justifications, callousness, carelessness towards my kids and H, no thoughts to consequences, or the future, seeking out validation from anyone other than my H...all those things are shallow, surface reasons to explain why. I have not done the work on myself through introspection to ensure that I am building back my integrity, character, and boundaries. I readily point out the things I haven’t done to H, but can’t speak to the things that I have done to help him feel safe, secure, loved, chosen, and wanted. Sending a text from work, to say I’m thinking about you, helping out at home, taking the kids somewhere so he can have a break, those little things don’t mean much when i think about the enormity of my betrayal, the mountain of lies, the fallout from my A that will last forever, no matter what i do.

I’ve had a couple IC sessions that I will continue, I think that’s where I will start to see progress. I’m probably putting too much faith in IC, I know H gets a lot of solace and community from SI, not from MC. He said he’d try IC as well.

H suggested writing a letter to AP’s wife, sincerely apologizing for getting my SILs and MIL involved in our chaos,and our MC suggested the 12 step program to me to provide structure to heal. H plans on a polygraph soon as well. I am ready and willing to take a poly, I know that would bring H peace of mind and closure, in some respect. What other experiences have people had with polys?

Making amends and atoning for my sins is my priority but I’ve been failing more than I’ve been succeeding. Any advice from this community would be helpful.

Zugzwang especially has posted some really insightful things that has helped. Thank you for listening.

It’s been way too long since I’ve posted. In fact, H suggested it, since I’ve been only passively reading for the past few weeks.

It’s been 4 months since D-day for us now. We’ve been talking many nights and I haven’t been doing enough for him. I know I’m not a safe partner yet. Admitting simple feelings is difficult for me and H has an even more difficult time understanding otherwise intuitive things that come easier for him.

We’ve had a few MC sessions but it seems too soon, I know that’s how H feels and I agree. I have a lot of work I need to do individually first to face my issues and address them head on to figure out the “why”. “Why” is still a very big question. Yes, selfishness, greedy behavior, self-serving justifications, callousness, carelessness towards my kids and H, no thoughts to consequences, or the future, seeking out validation from anyone other than my H...all those things are shallow, surface reasons to explain why. I have not done the work on myself through introspection to ensure that I am building back my integrity, character, and boundaries. I readily point out the things I haven’t done to H, but can’t speak to the things that I have done to help him feel safe, secure, loved, chosen, and wanted. Sending a text from work, to say I’m thinking about you, helping out at home, taking the kids somewhere so he can have a break, those little things don’t mean much when i think about the enormity of my betrayal, the mountain of lies, the fallout from my A that will last forever, no matter what i do.

I’ve had a couple IC sessions that I will continue, I think that’s where I will start to see progress. I’m probably putting too much faith in IC, I know H gets a lot of solace and community from SI, not from MC. He said he’d try IC as well.

H suggested writing a letter to AP’s wife, sincerely apologizing for getting my SILs and MIL involved in our chaos,and our MC suggested the 12 step program to me to provide structure to heal. H plans on a polygraph soon as well. I am ready and willing to take a poly, I know that would bring H peace of mind and closure, in some respect. What other experiences have people had with polys?

Making amends and atoning for my sins is my priority but I’ve been failing more than I’ve been succeeding. Any advice from this community would be helpful.

Zugzwang especially has posted some really insightful things that has helped. Thank you for listening.

You're Catholic.

Are there regular pastoral counseling sessions?

[This message edited by parent4 at 4:57 PM, November 24th (Friday)]

I have considered that. i need to go back to confession and continue to hold myself accountable for my actions. Going to confession is a very simple first step, asking for forgiveness from God is easy. Holding myself accountable for my actions to the people I’ve wronged is much harder and part of owning what I did.

I will consider regular pastoral counseling at my church, any perspective and assistance is appreciated. H is not Catholic but has always been supportive of raising our sons Catholic. However, he certainly doesn’t endorse hypocrisy. I continued to go to church during the A, and even asked God to guide me down the right path instead of the path to sin. And I still chose the easy, wayward behavior until I was caught and forced to confess. I completely regret what I’ve done and the pain, torment and chaos I’ve caused in H’s life and the instability it’s created in my sons’ lives. If anyone out there is Catholic, or Christian or simply believes in a higher power, please pray for me and my family. We need all the prayers we can get. Thank you for listening.

My WS offered to take (and took) a poly. It helps a lot if you’re offering to take one.

Choosing a good examiner is really important. It will give your spouse some confidence in the results. We chose one who had a lot of prior law enforcement experience, and had been doing polys for years. He’d also previously had experience in interrogations, so that gave me even more confidence.

The examiner helped me develop questions based on what was worrying me the most, and told me not to discuss my questions in advance with my spouse. The examiner knew more about infidelity than I did, and came up with questions and ideas that I never would have thought of.

My spouse too had a story that I thought was unbelievable - we’d been apart for six months (while I was in another country for work); I contracted an STD shortly upon my return (guess which one, ha ha). He eventually admitted to repeatedly attempting to date other women for years, but claimed he was unsuccessful and had no physical contact. It was very hard for me to believe.

He passed easily. The examiner later told me that he’d used interrogation techniques that could work even if the poly itself didn’t, and was convinced in the results. His expertise and confidence helped me believe the results. So my first piece of advice is to choose someone really good at it, and travel to them if need be. It was well worth the time and money.

I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to get the whole story out, no matter how ugly, as early as possible. For some of us, like me, I needed to know everything I was facing in order to work past it. I couldn’t really begin to move forward until then. My WS lied for a long time, and I had to drag every little thing out of him. He only admitted to what was in front of him. But at some point he stopped lying and started telling me the truth, but I couldn’t tell the difference any more. The poly helped me tremendously with that.

Good luck to you both.

Oh, I have to credit Joseph’s Letter for helping my WS stop lying; have you read it? It’s in the healing library.

BMom9:

I relatively new and uncertain how to post quotes, so I'm just copying and pasting a few of your quotes and my thoughts.

BMom9: I can recognize now that I had been attracted to him for a couple years, but never acted on it, never even considered it until he told me earlier this year that my friend/his wife cheated on him multiple times earlier in their marriage.

He is convinced that AP and I had sex, but we never did. All of the encounters leading up to D-day would indicate that we should have had sex, 2 consenting adults that were alone and attracted to each other, what else could have happened?

The TT and forced confession is the most hurtful part of the A, I can see that. I should have voluntarily told H everything from the beginning, from the first time I found AP attractive and when AP was flirting with me.

You can't exclude the "why" you did it was for pure physical attraction. I've read many, many situations on here, this is the first that I can recall reading where "attraction" seemed to be the reason as opposed to being one of the reasons. Typically for females it's for emotional stuff like being heard, communicative, etc. but as quoted below, you never mentioned a deficiency in any area with your husband and your quote below expresses your satisfaction with him.

H has always been more affectionate, providing intimacy freely, whenever I wanted or needed.

Affection, intimacy, etc. was being fulfilled.

So I was alone. Of course, I invited AP over, but he actually never came over, couldn't get away from home without a lot of suspicion

The last encounter AP's wife was out of town, kids too, so I went over to AP's house, fully intending to have sex, but we didn't, ending up making out, just underwear on, talking about us.

No sense in trying to prove whether you had sex or not, as these statements proved your panties were prepared to fly off if it were up to you, but due to circumstances out of your control it didn't happen. In the rawest form,this may have been about pure sexual attraction. You were seeking an opening on how you could get into HIS pants and he gave it to you by confiding his wife's affairs.

BTW, men can smell when they're on the verge of getting sex from a prospect and I wouldn't be surprised if he sensed your attraction and purposely discussed his wife's infidelities solely to see if you would bite. By doing it this way, he reduces his blame/shame by saying I never went after her, I was just talking to her about normal stuff and it "just happened". Guys can identify a horny, lonely or attention deprived woman very, very easily. Women either ignore the fact that they're giving off signals or unaware they're doing so. Not sure which, but I think he extended the bait and you took it hook, line and sinker.

As mentioned by Harry, protect your husband and your family first.

Jorge, you are extremely accurate. I need to be held accountable for my actions and never be as vulnerable, stupid, wayward or callous about my actions and feelings as I was during the A. So many things have come up in discussions with H, with me blaming my low self-esteem, loose morals, and absent integrity, that is not it. I don’t get it, i haven’t atoned or made true amends for what I did wrong.

Our MC told us that it is possible to love a spouse and love (albeit falsely, not truly) the fantasy and “high” feelings i felt during the A and kept bringing me back and continuing to lie and cheat. I’m still acting in desperation as much as I try not to. I need some Guidance towards making amends, I don’t know where to start. I am continuing to fail, and I’ve been acting cowardly, weak and lazy. I need to consistently put my H and family first, every day, to show him he’s the most important priority. I’ve had plenty of opportunities that H has generously given, but he has said and I know, there is a finite limit to his patience and generosity. I should be the one going overboard with generosity, kindness and compassion, not him. H has been leading the way in introspection and empathy, it should be the other way around.

Thank you for your replies

I think you need to understand the pain and confusion that plague your husband. To do so, put yourself in his shoes. Picture him sexting, running around near naked or having sex with another woman--in her house.

Then him telling you a torrent of lies.

What would you need for healing, that's if you even considered R.?

Make his hurt your own.