SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Husband999 as a BS I can feel your wife’s pain. I am only 3 months past DD. In my erakesr moment I’ve said the same things. The feelings are real, raw and come from the dark place of pain, fear and uncertainty for the future. And this may very likely happen again. What helps me in those dark times are when WS stays with me, listens, touches me (sometimes I want to be held, sometimes just a pat on the shoulder) and tells me he is sorry. What not to do under any curcimstance is to leave her alone - you already did that which is causing this hurt and sorrow. Man up and face what you have done. You broke her. Now the cruel reality is she has to heal herself from a wound you inflicted upon her. That is a heavy and hard realization. Hold her if she is receptive. Be near her if she isn’t. Tell her you love her. Tell her you are sorry. Tell her you will never betray her again. BUT if you don’t mean any of that, tell her that too, and then help her deal with those consequences. Put yourself in her shoes. Then realize the great gift you have been given with this attempt at R and treat it like the prescious gift that it is.

All that being said, good for you for coming here and posing the question. So some things my WS has done for me in the 3 months past DDay. Validate her feelings. Learn her triggers and do what you can to vanquish them (some you won’t be able to - but be there to help her through them). My WS recently said to me for a known trigger “what can I do to help you through this”. Expect the “make it not have happened” unrealistic answer because that is real and valid. Then give her what she needs even if it is just you standing strong. Be transparent. Under no circumstance imply that she is being unreasonable, not over it yet, being unrealistic or anything other than you being repentant. Be humble but sincere. Make sure NC is always in place - remember there can be no mutual friends with your AP. Tell her you love her. Tell her a future with her is what you want. Tell her she is the best thing that ever happened to you and you were a fool to take that for granted. Tell her how special she is. And tell her how fortunate and grateful you feel for her giving you this oooortunitu you know you don’t deserve. Repeat often but only if you truly mean it - otherwise please let her go. But I believe you truly do mean it or you wouldn’t be reaching out to us. I commend you for the strength it good to do that. It truly is a good sign.

Hugs and healing vibes to you and your family 999.

Husband999 as a BS I can feel your wife’s pain. I am only 3 months past DD. In my erakesr moment I’ve said the same things. The feelings are real, raw and come from the dark place of pain, fear and uncertainty for the future. And this may very likely happen again. What helps me in those dark times are when WS stays with me, listens, touches me (sometimes I want to be held, sometimes just a pat on the shoulder) and tells me he is sorry. What not to do under any curcimstance is to leave her alone - you already did that which is causing this hurt and sorrow. Man up and face what you have done. You broke her. Now the cruel reality is she has to heal herself from a wound you inflicted upon her. That is a heavy and hard realization. Hold her if she is receptive. Be near her if she isn’t. Tell her you love her. Tell her you are sorry. Tell her you will never betray her again. BUT if you don’t mean any of that, tell her that too, and then help her deal with those consequences. Put yourself in her shoes. Then realize the great gift you have been given with this attempt at R and treat it like the prescious gift that it is.

All that being said, good for you for coming here and posing the question. So some things my WS has done for me in the 3 months past DDay. Validate her feelings. Learn her triggers and do what you can to vanquish them (some you won’t be able to - but be there to help her through them). My WS recently said to me for a known trigger “what can I do to help you through this”. Expect the “make it not have happened” unrealistic answer because that is real and valid. Then give her what she needs even if it is just you standing strong. Be transparent. Under no circumstance imply that she is being unreasonable, not over it yet, being unrealistic or anything other than you being repentant. Be humble but sincere. Make sure NC is always in place - remember there can be no mutual friends with your AP. Tell her you love her. Tell her a future with her is what you want. Tell her she is the best thing that ever happened to you and you were a fool to take that for granted. Tell her how special she is. And tell her how fortunate and grateful you feel for her giving you this oooortunitu you know you don’t deserve. Repeat often but only if you truly mean it - otherwise please let her go. But I believe you truly do mean it or you wouldn’t be reaching out to us. I commend you for the strength it good to do that. It truly is a good sign.

Hugs and healing vibes to you and your family 999.

So I spoke with her this evening about what was said Thursday. I didn't have a chance to really talk with her earlier since we were out of town this weekend in a hotel with the kids at my brother's wedding (which obviously brought its own triggers and emotions with it as well). She stated that what she said is pretty much how she feels. And to address all of the advice offered. I do listen and acknowledge her pain. I try to hold her when she is open to it (Thursday she was not). We are 6 months post the last dday. I know it is a long road and I have long since realized that I can't be defensive or self-pitying. Based on what she had to say tonight she is in a place where she doesn't know what to do or what she wants. She is convinced I will cheat again because that is who I have been our whole relationship (not an unfair criticism). So that is why we are in this holding pattern because she can't trust me. She can't believe that I won't do it again and she can't fathom going through this again. That's why I am living separate from her and the kids. She says she wants to see how I act, whether I can demonstrate true change to her. This is all completely fair. She should see me demonstrate genuine change and I am trying to do that. I am in IC and trying to dig into what was driving me when I cheated. I think what really through me off was her level of inebriation and the exact way she was expressing herself seemed to be different than the previous times she was expressing her pain to me. I want her to share those feelings I want to comfort her in her pain. It just seemed like what she said on Thursday night suggested she wanted to live a lie for the sake of the kids and that scared me. I don't want to do because I don't think it is healthy for anybody, us or the kids. I want to repair our relationship if it is possible and I really hope that she can foresee a future where that is possible. Thank you for sharing your suggestions and support. I know this hard journey continues.

She stated that what she said is pretty much how she feels.

I knew she was being honest with you.

The only tine I've said what was REALLY on my mind to my husband is when I've had one too many to drink. That's when he gets a real good idea of how I really feel.

Liquor is truth serum.

Of course she feels that way. Under the circumstances, how else should she feel?

That doesn't mean she will always feel like that. A lot of whether she does, or doesn't, depends on your actions. She doesn't trust you to change. She doesn't trust you to become a safe partner, because you never have been.

You need to do the work. No setbacks. No lies. And you need to do it for yourself. Not her. Because if you're only doing it for her, it's not real change.

I'm sure it hurts to know she feels like this. Gently, it's nothing in comparison to how she feels.