SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know there are two schools of thought for this question...

I'M NOT REFERRING TO YOUNG CHILDREN IN THIS POST BUT GROWN ADULT daughters and son.

"Do you tell your GROWN children that your WW had and affair then moved in with an AP2 within weeks after DD for AP1?"

I confronted my WW on 15 Aug 2017 when I discovered her betrayal on her cellphone. That night I was Destroyed, a mental basket case.

Angrily, I told WW that this was Her Fucking Mess and that she had to tell the "kids" that we were separating and, that MORE IMPORTANTLY SHE HAD TO TELL THEM WHY. Any awake adult would reason that that would be the first question out of there mouths after 15 years of a seemingly good marriage.

A week later in another heart to heart talk, I backslid and said I thought maybe it'd be best that they didn't know. I was either focused on my oldest daughter who had a wedding upcoming, or people-pleasing WW. I was not in my right mind, and had no idea I was still in a state of SHOCK. You know when people nonchalantly say, "Oh I'm fine".

In AA we have a definition for that word.

FINE Fucked UP, Irrational, Neurotic and Emotional

So long story short, WW called and confessed 1st to her sister- who got the full story,

then WW's blood-daughter, then WW's son, then my blood-daughter. (We had a mixed marriage, patchwork quilt family). WW left out the WHY but the kids later told me they pretty much knew the WHY. Afterwards WW called to let me know that she had finished her task. I asked her if she told them the WHY. I knew the answer before I asked her.

In my state of desperation, fear, anxiety, loneliness, depression (+ the 50 other roller coaster symptoms) I NEEDED SOMEONE close TO TALK TO. I called all the kids (except WW's blood-daughter) and told them the ENTIRE TRUTH about her deception with AP1, and that WW had shacked up and was living with AP2 in a trailer park.

My WW has seized onto my telling the TRUTH and it has become her sticking point when we can talk to each other. WW and I cannot get past it to continue our discussions. She goes into emotional brainlock and turns to stone. Saturday she said she Hated me because I destroyed her relationship with our kids. (ALL EXCEPT HER BLOOD DAUGHTER). I put it back in her court to hear the "You agreed later not to tell" refrain. The same circular argument-discussion repeats every time, and then she bales out to go back to AP2s trailer.

WW is not anywhere near discussing R. She is feeling the consequences of her A decisions. Did I mention that WW has had EMAs-all PAs- with all three of her husbands (I'm #3)?

3 of 4 of our 'kids" will not talk to WW now. She is a coward and will not call or text them.

Was I wrong in telling the truth? What say you SI?

[This message edited by Strutter1960 at 2:47 PM, October 30th, 2017 (Monday)]

You were not wrong for telling the truth at all. Tell her you changed your mind if you want. Tell her just like when she changed her mind about being faithful.

No, you weren't. The kids are adults and as such should understand the why's. I think it helps them relate to you WW- for better or worse. But honesty is always the best policy.

So you're in the wrong for telling the truth.. for not protecting her dark secrets anymore? Sounds crazy because it is crazy.

The mindfuckery that BS's have to deal with is staggering once you begin to get a bit of distance from it.

Your problem is that of all BS's. You are still stuck in the "protect your partner" mode of thinking. It's what you do when you're a normal human being that feels empathy. Give yourself some slack, you did nothing wrong. The feeling of guilt will pass and eventually you will realize that. I promise!

Why do you care??

You can tell anyone you wish. At any time.

When she says “you promised not to tell” just look at her. Don’t respond. Don’t acknowledge to her statement.

Shut it down. Don’t rehash the past behaviors.

Just move to the next topic as in - we are getting a D and need to sort through some issues such as (fill in the blank).

I just love how cheaters become so high and mighty - when things don’t go their way. Hahahaha!!

I feel that the truth is never the wrong thing. Ever.

You weren't wrong, and if you hadn't told them, she'd have another sticking point to why you're the bad guy. The woman is a coward and a liar and nothing you do is going to change that. Free yourself from this mess of a woman.

No you weren't wrong.

They are adult children and deserve to know the truth.

Your WW should never have lied and cheated in the first place to put herself, you, your marriage or your children in this situation. She owns all of the fallout of her shitty choices.

She can't face the consequences of her actions so it is easier just to blame you.

Don't own one ounce of this for her.

Sorry she can't see the way toward remorse.

Strutter,

The saying “you make your bed you sleep in it” applies here.

I will not keep secrets from adult children. She knew from day 1 an affair could affect all her relationships. She didn’t care.

Tell her to deal with it.

[This message edited by Greeneyesbluezy at 4:16 PM, October 30th (Monday)]

Never lie to your kids.

She ruined her relationship with them not you.

Cheater logic is very confusing.

Thanks for everybody's input. I was raised to tell the truth and be honest.

I know that I did the right thing even though some would argue I put a burden of unsolicited knowledge onto the kids. I could not in good conscience have talked with them from D-day forward with a lie harbored in the back of my mind. Moreover, when they came to visit they'd be asking Where is Emily?

I told WW sometime after confrontation,...

"So! You want me to remain silent for your Comfort!?"

You were not wrong. You did the right thing. Your kids had a right to know.

100% right.

Hi 'Strutter'. You were correct in telling the entire truth and leaving it to the family and friends to decide their actions. Many people want to compartmentalize but partial information is the same as an outright lie. Take care of yourself. Without the cheating baggage, you have a happy future ahead of you.

Telling them the truth was the right thing to do. If you had lied to them they would have eventually figured it out or been told or ... and they would feel that they couldn't trust either of their parents.

The fact that you told your WW that you were "fine" with not telling them is of no concern. The amount of promises she has gone back on at this point...

You did the right thing. Work on the 180 now.

Today everyone wants to be a victim. Your wife twisted the fact that you told the truth into her being a victim just like you.

She couldn't stand you being the only victim.

Freeme,

I'm convinced I'm somewhere between the Soft and Hard 180.

I'm trying to not be so available to text and phone calls.

WW feeds on my emotions and repartee with her. I can feel it sometimes, and pull back.

You did not do anything wrong. You told her at the beginning that they needed to be told why. Then you changed your mind. So you changed your mind again. It is understandable.

Don't be afraid to remind her that this whole situation started by her choice to have the A in the first place. She chose to move out and shack up with AP2. How was she going to explain that?

I would suggest you don't argue about it. When she starts to complain about it, ignore it. Not your problem.

You probably understand why you need the 180. Keep working on it. It will really help you.

I told both of our adult children. They needed to know why there was so much tension between me and my WW. I wasn't sure about doing it until my son wanted to know if his upcoming marriage was causing problems between us. There was no way I could let him think he was at fault in anyway. Also when it came out that she had an AP in my daughters house I knew the kids had to know. So I would say you definitely did the right thing

it's not your job to hide her lies

Good luck trying to rationalize with crazy :)