SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"I think some good friends with common sense and no degree at all are better at this, and a lot less expensive!"

or people here!

I think many are missing my main points: credentials matter to some people, and she is lying about hers on her LinkedIn page.

Of course if she intentionally lies or even illegally lists herself as something she is not, that is definitely a real problem in itself

Yes, she calls herself a psychologist on her LinkedIn page. That violates state licensing laws.

So, I just read a few of the posts on this after the original post.

I had listened to EP speaking on TED about the topic of infidelity the summer of 2016. Her audience seemed so impressed. I cried and cried helplessly as I listened. I felt like I'm trapped living in a world of dummies. I couldn't help thinking how damaging her advice comes and how the possibility that WS's could find her on TED as easily as I was able to made me cringe.

What she does seem to be a pro at is minimizing infidelity. I hope the NYC board responds to your letter with investigation and action. Thank you for sharing this.

Are you planning to pursue with any follow up? Can anybody on SI help with follow-up letters if they are residents of NYC?

[This message edited by NowGuarded at 7:20 AM, November 6th (Monday)]

What nowguarded said. I listened to some podcasts after some people here raved about her and I was so upset and cried while listeneig first the same reasons.

I can’t tell you how much damaging information she dishes out that is hurtful to many bs’s and provides excuses and not a real reason for infidelity.

I believe that most therapists don’t realky understand infidelity and give crap advise anyway but was pretty upset that she is so public with her bullshit talks.

Shirley Glass is pretty spot on with her advise and info in Not Just Friend IMHO and Perel doesn’t come close to discussing the truth about infidelity.

I am glad you sent the letter. I hope they look into her in detail and make her go to the expense of changing all her books, podcasts and whatever else she has misguided people regarding her credentials. Good on you.

Are we still talking about easter parole?

She aint even important enough for me to spell her name right.

Snake oil by any other name is still...

You learn to think critically, and how to use statistics and employ rigorous methodology before drawing conclusions.

Good luck applying statistics to a single person, your patient.

I have one and I don't regret it and it is worth something to me.

That was my self-deprecating humor, not directed at anyone else.

I have little experience with psychologists and the experience that I have was poor. I was "psycho-analyzed" in the mental hospital, about 45 minutes after taking my first dose of anti-psychotic medication and I was substantially altered.

When my psychiatrist discussed the results with my wife, she said "that's NOT barcher144 AT ALL." Me thinks that it was a bad decision to psychoanalyze a guy who was altered that badly. To be honest, I was combative and she was insecure and I think that she took my comments personally.

I once read a story... perhaps an urban legend... where they sent healthy people to a mental hospital, 95% of which were subsequently identified as having major mental health problems.

When this journey began for me I assigned one of her videos to my students to open a conversation on infidelity. I realized immediately that her message was skewed and I had to add my own insights, many I was picking up here at SI. Like the total devastation to the BS. The fact cheating occurs in "Happy marriages". That cheaters CHOOSE cheating over other, healthier options.

I have a Ph.D. in psychology..... earned from years of working with RATS There are few gurus out there who have it all figured out. Some good ones, others not so great. It does make it hard for people to know who to turn to for solid advice. Im learning a lot about my own field in recent years. I'm an academic, not a clinician. I appreciate the work taken to track down Perel's credentials. The best education and advice for me has come from sharing experiences here on SI, a few helpful books, and some decent counselors (IC and MC). I still assign Perel's video in one class (Human Sexuality) but use it to foster a deeper conversation on relationships today. She's popular, so discussing where she may be right, as well as where she may be wrong can help us develop critical thinking skills.

hpv I sympathize with the issue you take regarding EPs Linkedinflation. It's just plain wrong to misrepresent on a resume; it's also a bit dopey since unlike the traditional resume that's given to the potential employer, the Linkedin resume is out there for the world to see.

So yes, some of us can feel a moral outrage at other's lies and understandably more sensitive around betrayal issues. So good that you have followed up on your concerns with NYS though Im not at all sure there's a legal violation as there might be in other situations, e.g. she had applied for and taken a position as psychologist at a medical center.

But if you're still concerned, there is process to notify Linkedin about false reporting which, providing her listing is deceptive, should require the resume be corrected.

But I wasn't sure your concern was so much about the misleading "credential" as you were about the importance of those credentials. You refer to Shirley Glass who had a psych doctorate.

But doctorates don't necessarily mean better thinking, clearer perceptions, deeper understanding or better rapport with clients.

Then too, the issue of betrayal is not really open to scientific analysis in the same way as say, diabetes, or even alcoholism or schizophrenia and goodness knows there's even great controversy in those areas. Lots of the good stuff written is based on empirical experience which is just what EP claims. She's writing what she thinks she's learned from talking with betrayers. Peggy Vaughn's work on betrayal is highly praised but don't think she had advanced degrees.

EP's popularity is based on certain writing skills and style as well as topic. Some just enjoying reading her, listening to her lectures and she herself would say she's only an expert insofar as what people have told her.

Again, I do understand that credentials matter to you as they do to many of us but apart from the Linkedin page that can be corrected I don't think she misleads. Her wiki page describes her as a psychotherapist and that leaves room for all sorts of backgrounds. As far as I know she has a busy practice and is a popular speaker; she's published in very time honored, respectable journals not because of her degrees but due to a certain style that appeals to some readers. Perhaps she's just given too much attention?

I don’t know, or care about her actual credentials. But, If shes lying i hope you can nail her ass to the wall.

IMO, she’s a a 1 cent opinion on infidelity. If all betrayers and academia say one thing, and you say the other, voila, instant celebrity.

I’m with others, fuck her and her stupid takes on marriage. She literally offers nothing except excuses. And everyone loves it because both betrayed and betrayers can latch on to the “reasons.” We’re hurt, they’re explaining-she delivers for both.

She’s nothing but trash, to me.

For what it's worth, I have a great deal of personal experience with emotional trauma and the issues they cause. So I've seen many counselors & Psychiatrists. I separate Psychiatrists from counselors because, generally, a Psychiatrist works at the chemical level - drug therapy - and rarely have the time available for more than an occasional 10 minute session. It hasn't always been like this - blame the insurance industry for this change.

I can sort of rank the counselors I've worked with over the years in my mind and how much progress I made with each. In my experience, and that of many other people I know, the letters behind a person's name are meaningless. They need an MD to prescribe drugs, but no letters/title are qualifiers as to their ability to effective help people work through issues.

I think Esther does great work and I value her opinions. She really does provide a great framework for reconciliation or divorce by helping both WS & BS understand the importance of making the choice to "begin a new marriage" with each other or not. IF I had sought any psychological help in the wake of d-day AND a counselor could have provided me with this level of clarity, my choice would have been obvious. At the time my choice was to NOT make a choice and just try to maintain.

I see no reason to discount any of Esther's continuing contributions to the subject of infidelity because of this "bogus credentials" thing whether it is true or not. Every time I hear her speak or read her writings I feel sadness, anger, and pain. It's like she is able to drain some of these strong emotions from me - and they do need draining from time to time. And there certainly are times when I simply cannot listen to her. For me, it's important to try to see both sides of issues that are important to me. I need to at least try to understand all of the potential motives or reasons a person would embrace a position that I find just plain wrong. It nearly always strengthens my resolve because it gives me the clarity I need to truly own my decision or position. Esther (as well as our Wayward forum) provides that for me.

I wonder what, if anything, will come from her being reported to the state board.

Whether or not her certifications are legit, here are some of her pearls, designed more to provoke than heal,

“Monogamy has nothing to do with love.”

“There is no universally agreed upon definition of what constitutes infidelity.”

“An affair consists of secrets, an emotional connection and sexual alchemy” (paraphrased).

“We have a romantic ideal in which we have one person to fulfill an endless list of needs”

“We are relying on our partner’s fidelity with a unique fervor.”

“Today, choosing to stay when you can leave, is the new shame”

“What if passion has a finite shelf life? What if there are things even a good relationship can never provide?”

“Affairs... are an expression of longing and loss.”

“At the heart of an affair you will often find a yearning and a longing for an emotional connection for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity, a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves, or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.”

“When we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner that we are turning away from, it is from the person that we have become. And it’s not so much we are looking for another person as we are looking for another self.”

“Some Affairs are to beat back deadness and are an antidote to death.”

Even though much of this may not be false, the near maniacal focus on the cheater and their motivations seeks to normalize and in explaining it, justify cheating as some cosmic cry for help. Nowhere, except in passing, have I heard her acknowledge the torment and destruction the cheater causes the very persons he/she has committed to protecting.

If marital promises are unkeepable, then people shouldn’t make them if someone wants to commit for a couple years and then ponder contract renewal or termination, then just say so up front.