SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, I have a few very good female friends and have never considered taking it any further. I don't think they have either. I often find women better company than men. Nothing wrong with my libido either and I'm 100% straight but my wife is my woman and that's that.

Pity she didn't feel the same way about me as her platonic relationships often ended up as more.

Maybe men are more prone to this but not always.

It's good to hear there are men fully capable of having friendly relationships with females that aren't something sexual.

FWIW he is divorced, but there was no infidelity on either party. When I've expressed my concerns with him, he has values our relationship and does not intend to screw it up by screwing someone else. And insists any other women he talks to/etc are merely friends, nothing more.

I’m a woman, but I have 3 very close male friends,

2 of them I slept with after my divorce lol. Strictly platonic now as I am in a relationship, but I know one of them would like more, we became friends after a failed attempt at dating. I maintain boundaries with him as I value his friendship

I’m a woman, but I have 3 very close male friends,

2 of them I slept with after my divorce lol. Strictly platonic now as I am in a relationship, but I know one of them would like more, we became friends after a failed attempt at dating. I maintain boundaries with him as I value his friendship

Jls0320 - this is very interesting to me. And i am not judging you in any way, because this is all about personal boundaries in my mind. Does your boyfriend know that you are friends with men that you have semi recently been sexual with including one that would like to have a relationship with you???? And whats your thought process on it???

I ask because for me, this would be crossing a boundary. I would not accept my SO being close friends with a man that she slept with and he wants to be with her.

Again i am not saying that i am universally right in this, but that is my mindset on it. I would see it has a bad boundary in my GF. For you it obviously isn't. I am just curious on the mindset with it.

I am in a male dominated work environment. I've worked with lots and lots of guys. Never cheated, its not in my nature.

As they say "a good man can't be tempted" and I totally believe that. Easy access doesn't make people slip and fall into sex. Its a decision and either you have a partner you can trust or you don't.

Mizunomead- he does not know any of my sexual history, he has never asked, I haven’t either since for me the past is the past. So no, he does not know about sex w my friend, he does know we dated briefly 2 yrs ago and that I cut off contact w him once for crossing my boundaries of friendship. My other friend has lived in another state past couple years

ok, no problem. I read close friends as guys that you spend alot of time around on a regular basis...It doesn't sound like that's really the case. And i would look at that differently as well most likely.

What are his friendships with men like?

My stbxwh has LOTS of female “friends” - but very few (none really) male friends. THAT should have been my warning sign.

Female here...

I've worked in male dominated industries for over 30 years. I have ALWAYS had platonic male friends such that sometimes groups would go out for drinks after work and I was the only female. To me, they were just like being with my brothers. Never a boundary issue.

That being said, I foolishly gave Xhole the benefit of the doubt and just assumed he had the same firm boundaries with his female friends/colleagues. After all, to treat him differently would have been very hypocritical on my part. Oh, how foolishly I misplaced my trust! Xhole has the boundaries of a wet sponge, and was more than eager to bend those boundaries and fill all those wet holes.

Fast forward to SO. He has a lot of female friends (and is very accustomed to getting hit on by non-friend females and shutting them down by virtue of his position prior to retirement), and I am still in a male dominated industry with many platonic male friends. My core beliefs and boundaries haven't changed one iota. I've seen SO in action with his female friends and no red flags. He has openly demonstrated strong boundaries many times. You know, the whole "watch actions" thing. And, as I would expect of any SO, he has to accept my platonic male friends, and he does. In fact, I am usually routinely texting SO when with my friends telling him what kind of shenanigans are going on (or texting how incredibly bored I am ). Hell, I even texted him from a bar one night when a homeless dude was hitting on me (cuz I liked his adorable puppy) and he thought it was hilarious! Point being, I am an open book with him, and if I expect that of him I must extend the same to him. Which I do. He has given me no reason not to, and I simply won't paint him with the same boundryless brush as my POS Xhole. So far, so good!

I extend trust until I have reason not to, but I am certainly willing to walk away, knowing I will be just fine, if SO ever violates any boundaries. At the same time, no one is going to dictate to me who I can and can't have as friends. That simply isn't up for discussion. If any SO is uncomfortable with that, well that's their perogative, and we are simply not suited. I'm good with that determination. After all, some of my male friends have been in my life longer than my marriage, so they will be there thru any future relationships as well.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 12:39 AM, December 2nd (Saturday)]

An interesting note - I had several platonic female friends when I first got married, and my ex WW made sure we gradually drifted apart by voicing her concerns. Being the faithful partner I am, I honored those irrational concerns and backed off the friendships. Truly it was a way of cutting me off from other people. Looking back, I see it for what it really is - her insecurities and projecting her feelings onto me. Ultimately, she cheated with someone who was "just a friend, why are you so concerned??".

At any rate, I don't want anyone to limit who I can and can't be friends with in the future. I'll set boundaries for me, and if someone doesn't like them, they're not right for me.

I honestly had more female friends when I was younger than I did male friends. I treated them with respect and as equals and just goofed around like I would anyone else.

My STBXW hated that I was friends with these other women and slowly drove a wedge between any female friends I had with her jealousy.

Looking back I realize it was her projecting her poor boundries and inappropriate relationships onto me. Any female coworker or friend I have ever had that tried to cross my boundries was cut out of my life.

I foolishly trusted her having the same boundries I did. Turns out HER male friends were often more than that. That being said I do still believe that men and women can have platonic relationships.

Crazy huh

It's funny you mention this, because my BF and I just had a conversation about this. He is a pretty social person. I got married really young the first time around, and had a handful of friends, but the only man in my life was my XH. I never felt the need for other friends as we started a family right away, and he didn't either.

So my BF has lots of friends. Many of them women. And I'm cool with that generally, but there is one friend who is his "best friend" that he's known forever. And I felt a little uneasy about it at first, but then he said he wanted to go on a skiing trip with her and a bunch of other friends.

He's not going, but I was like ummm...I'm not sure how I feel about that. And then he invited her to stay at his home while she's visiting her family.

Again, I just didn't feel very good about it.

I really don't think he would cheat on me. He's a very honest person. He is honest about his faults, and he owns up to mistakes. He is open, and we talked about it.

I could tell it really brought him down that I felt this way. As we were talking, I realized that I was basically asking him to stop being best friends with her. Because really, how close can you be to a person if you don't spend time with them? To his credit, he didn't really waver. I said I was sorry, and that if he needed to think about it, I'd understand. And he just said, "What is there to think about? It's one of your boundaries. That's pretty much it."

He was still upset, though, I think.

Do you all think I'm being too paranoid? Is that the affair creeping into my relationship too much?

Perhaps, that's hard to say. Telling someone they can't be friends with their best friend is basically what happened to me with my xWW. It wasn't fun, but I wasn't confident in myself enough to defend myself. I'd say the trip would make me uncomfortable, especially if you aren't invited for some reason. And, if you won't be there, staying at his house would be a no-no for me. If you're living there too, that's up to both of you - I don't see anything wrong with that but you should both agree to it.

But, as someone who's been on the other side, don't put your insecurities on him. But at the same time, trust your gut and keep the boundaries you're comfortable with. If he demands lots of alone time with her, that'd be a red flag for me.

That's a tough subject and I don't think the answer is cut and dry - it's simply, what are you both comfortable with, and hopefully your boundaries mingle well so you stay balanced.

My bff is a guy. Once a year I fly out to spend a week or so. His girlfriend didn't like it at first until she met me. I don't know what it was, but she got over it fast. Now when I fly in, she goes on a girl's trip to the city while we go to museums and academic institutions--things she finds boring.

My boyfriend just tells me to have fun. His friends used to give him hell "you let your girlfriend spend a week with a guy?" But his philosophy is if there isn't trust, then there is nothing. And I agree.

Guys just make better friends than women, in my experience

I definitely don't want to be one who blames new partner for past partner's mistakes, and I really don't want to dictate that he can't speak with women.

He/I talked about it and he gets why I'm uncomfortable. He has been quite transparent about when/who he talks to, and says he will continue to do so. And from the sounds of it, he used the word friends pretty liberally as these aren't people he hangs out with frequently, talks to daily, etc.

I think this is a slippery slope. It depends on the people involved. One may have strong morals and boundaries and the "friend" may have none. I have seen and been part of this type of relationship that seemed innocent - "friendly" - and then went completely sideways.

One flirting here and there...the other saying "nope, I am married". More flirting, talking, being "friends", confiding, complaining, receiving comfort, becoming closer and closer - as "friends" usually do. With the opposite sex, I believe an attraction begins to form which leads down the wrong road and into trouble if either of the "friends" are married or have a significant other.

[This message edited by nervousnelly at 10:01 AM, December 6th (Wednesday)]

Both my WH and I always had a lot of friends of the opposite sex and I kind of thought it was weird not to. I think it's actually pretty obvious to the people involved if and when boundaries get crossed, and there was really never any time in his friendship with AP that she wasn't crossing them, he just pretended it was no big deal.

We too were married very young and it was years before most of our friends had a spouse, by which time we had kids and it was hard to spend much time with people who didn't have kids, because they don't really want to hang out with your kids. The end result is, we lost touch with a lot of those friends along the way and didn't really replace them. All my WHs friends are now coworkers and many of them are female, but his relationships with most of them are very very different from the early relationship he had with his AP, so I don't look at it the same way.