SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All,

I found out one week ago that my wife is having an affair. We have been married for 5 years, known each other for 17 years (met in middle school, age 12), and have a 2 year old daughter. Our marriage has been rock solid, full of happiness, no fighting, pretty much perfect.

I always trusted her fully, so when she told me she wanted to take a trip to Texas to see a friend last week, I never thought twice about it. Turns out our roommate overheard a conversation she had with the AP talking about how "He could have the house, I just don't want to split our daughter 50/50," etc. Our roommate confronted my wife, she denied to no end, but I finally checked the cell phone records and found proof. My wife is a teacher, and the AP is a parent of one of her students.

Since I found out, I am worried my actions have made things worse. I still am willing to fight for our marriage, but she is not. She has said she cannot bring herself to give up her feelings of love for the AP. She hates how much hurt she is causing and knows she has destroyed her life, but feels unable to resist the temptation. In my state of shock while she was in Texas and we were talking on the phone, I basically begged her to end the A and come back home. She was about to, but then changed her mind and decided to stay with the AP for two nights, then she came home.

Since she has been home, we agree that we need a separation. I continue to be way too nice to her, telling her that I am still willing to work on the marriage if she ends the affair and agrees to NC. We are taking steps toward the separation, she has found an apartment, and we are making arrangements for our daughter. Her apartment isn't ready for 10 days, so I am stuck with her in the house until then, sleeping in different rooms and trying not to cross paths with her.

We have talked often, and each time I just can't resist trying to talk her into her senses. I know logic has no effect on her, and she is convinced she is making the right decision. She has engaged in blame shifting, saying how she has been unhappy and unfulfilled for a year (not true--we have been very happy up until about a month ago). I try to tell her to think of how happy our marriage was, and that there's a chance we can still recapture that.

After browsing this site for the past day or so, I am realizing the weakness I am showing her. I am currently her backup plan. She has left the door slightly open to R (saying, "I'm not sure how I will feel in the future, I know I might regret this."), but also continues in her fog to convince herself more and more that she is doing what is right.

I still want to try reconciliation, but how can I get her to that point? I know that I can do better, and can rebuild something with another woman. I am strong and would be able to move on. But my heart still wants her, and wants to go back to how things were. We laughed together endlessly, traveled the world together, always were there for each other, etc, etc. How much time and space should I give her? I can't wait forever...I am 28 and want more kids within the next few years (and at this point don't see how I could EVER get back to that point with her).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Feeling like I am so lost, and the whirlwind of emotions is exhausting. Each day has gotten a little easier, but I am still reeling and continuously alternating between sadness, anger, and desperate hope. These boards have shown me that I need to show strength (the 180), and also get her to see how much life is going to suck without me. I believe she is going to be overwhelmed with handling her own finances, she will be lonely, and she will miss our daughter terribly on the days when I have her (we have already worked out a 50/50 sharing arrangement).

Oh and by the way, the AP is in the military and is now gone for 10 months! That is, if I can believe a word my wife says. That is what she claims. I have not told the AP's girlfriend/wife yet because of concerns for my wife's career. I don't know the exact situation, but my wife claims they broke up. I worry that if I tell her, she may not be ok with her son being in a classroom with a teacher who is sleeping with her man/ex man, and will get her fired. I don't know what to do!

You want to stop this A dead in its tracks? Report him to his command. Messing with a married woman is against the UCMJ. I spent 12 years in the Air Force, and I saw at least 13 guys (that I can easily remember) lose stripe after stripe bc of this, and you know what? Not a one of them kept seeing the married woman.

Report him ASAP.

Wow. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. To be honest, I would file for divorce. If she really wants to save the marriage this may wake her up. If not then you are getting yourself out of infidelity. I usually don't recommend divorce straight up but to continue the affair in your face? Total disrespect. I have never been able to understand the lack of control some people have? Cant deny feelings for the AP but totally deny feelings for you? Don't understand that logic. You don't have to do this but tell her to leave. File for divorce. If he is married then tell his wife. Tell her family, tell your family, tell her friends. Tell HR that she is having an inappropriate relationship with a student's parent. She needs shock and awe. Sorry to say that but I just don't see this stopping unless you destroy the illusion.

Plus what GoldenR said.

Also please please please tell the other Betrayed spouse without warning your wife you will do so. It is the single best thing you can do to end the affair and the other spouse deserves to know.

Also read about the 180 in the Healing Library. It is the only thing that gave my marriage a chance. You will regret not looking into this at very least.

Good luck and I hope the best for you.

Thank you for the responses so far!

@GoldenR, yes, but if the AP ends the affair because it is against the military code, won't my wife just be coming back to the marriage because I am her backup. Her heart will still long for him, and she will not be 100% committed to reconciliation?

You need to do three things. Do not let your wife know you are doing any of them:

1. Talk to his wife/girlfriend. This is incredibly important

2. Report him to his command. This may or may not work but is something that you need to do

3. Speak with a lawyer to simply understand your rights.

You cannot worry about your wife's job right now. Obviously it's good if she keeps it for alimony purposes so don't go out and report her to school, but at the same time SHE was the one taking the risk knowing the potential outcomes.

@idiotmc and WilliamM, do I really want to get my wife fired though? I am considering that route, but worry that if she never commits to reconciliation, I will only hurt myself through higher child support payments and alimony if she is not employed and we end up divorced. Not to mention the detrimental effects on our daughter of her mother not being able to support her. Although, if things get ugly, a big part of me thinks my daughter would be better off with me having full custody anyway.

Never do the pick me dance.

Never.

See an attorney first, then go scorched earth: Inform her job, inform military command, inform her family, friends, om's wife.

180

Get tested for stds.

Again, never do the bleeding heart, pick me dance.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 2:48 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

@CaseyA -

You're not doing this to get her back. You're doing this to get out of infidelity ASAP.

The entire purpose of this subforum is to get you into an empowerment mindset. You get into an empowerment mindset by controlling the situation. We want YOU to be the one to make up your mind if you want to offer Reconciliation or Divorce.

Right now she is controlling that process and you are acting in a defensive position (not knocking ya, you're doing GREAT for the shit sandwich you've been served).

I'll donate $1000 to the charity of your choice if you expose to his work, to his wife and speak to a lawyer that you will atleast be in control of the situation in two weeks. No more going to bed with knots of helplessness growing in your stomach. Oh, you'll be angry. Very very angry. But you will have replaced these feelings of helplessness quickly through those three actions.

We are all rooting for you VERY hard!!!!

I can relate, somewhat, to what you're going thru. However, with that being said, you also have to take what she is saying at face value. If she's telling you she just can't end the A, then it's time to move on. I feel the same about my WW, hers were strictly sexting and chatting, but even after finding out, she couldn't stop, she kept going. I found out 4 more times since then, and right now, I'm a complete mess. I was diagnosed with PTSD earlier this month, and I can tell you this, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Sure, we're trying to R, but sometimes I wonder if she's all in, or just leading me along. Trust flies out the window when this happens, and sometimes you just have to take the punch and move on. I'm sorry for everything you're going thru, and I agree with what others have said above, I too was in the USAF, report him, it may not make a difference for you in the end, but maybe it will help others down the road if he were to continue doing this. My wife became "friends" with a captain in the army, had it not been for her finally going NC, I was within days of reporting him. I had his name, his position, all of it.

File for divorce, tell his command and tell his wife. Stay strong and focus on yourself.

I think it's unwise to get a spouse fired. UNLESS you are so well off it doesn't matter. I wish I could have reported my husband's affair (to coworker) but I wasn't willing to risk his nice paycheck which in turn, helps me and my son. That was the only think I wasn't willing to do.

I'm sorry you're here. Listen to all other advice though.. It's important to put a firm foot down on what you won't accept and to take actions to prove it.

You really need to blow this up. Yes she will be furious in the beginning but it might snap her out of affair fog and back into reality. If you had the good marriage you claim then she'll see that again if the fog is snapped. Ironically you being super nice to her right now is actually working against you. Read up on the 180 and implement it right away.

Casey....

Believe me, as fogged up as she is, she has no clue what she wants.

You want to rock her world even more? Report him to his command, then file for D. Tell her she has until the D is final to win you back.

Odds are she'll be begging you for another chance. If she doesn't, then she's not someone you want to be with anyway.

She has to endure the consequences, whether you R or D.

If she truly 'love' om, she'll accept those consequences, as will he.

Act decisevely.

Definitely tell the other spouse. She will be a huge part in ending the A.

The same advice because its proven to work! Your wife wants to sit on the fence. So push her off.

Contact his command and if he's married his wife.

Give your wife divorce papers.

Expose to family and friends.

That throws her off the fence. You can't leave a fence sitter in the fence. It just keeps getting worse if you do.

Once she's off the fence its amazing how quickly they snap their head out of their asses.

I would not want to get her fired but something has to be done. My wife is a teacher so I understand. Tell her she has to transfer to another school. If not then start the filing for divorce.

I walked the road of reconciliation. It takes two people who are fully committed to make it work. And even with that sometimes it is just not enough. An affair is the most damaging thing to a marriage than anything I can think of. Sometimes it is unrecoverable. To save a marriage the WS must be remorseful. Your wife does not even regret the affair. She regrets the pain it caused but not the affair itself. You can't go anywhere with that. She will be contacting this guy constantly for 10 months while he is gone.

You are no longer her husband in her eyes. To want something so bad is understandable. But sometimes acceptance is needed. Go to the Healing Library. Read those articles there. They are most helpful. Contact his chain of command. Let them know what is going on. I was in the Army and I know the reaction the military will have over this. Please do this step. This could end the affair quickly if his military career is in trouble.

File for divorce. If she comes around you don't have to complete the process but filing could help snap her out of her head as well. Do the 180. Go no contact with her and talk to her only about your daughter and finances and divorce matters. Tell her family. Take the affair out of the shadows and into the light. I read one poster say "to save a marriage you have to be willing to lose it". I agree with that statement completely. Especially in your case, CaseyA.

We have talked often, and each time I just can't resist trying to talk her into her senses.

Just like she can't resist the affair? See how you are both doing the wrong things?

Giving in to your emotions ALWAYS leads you down the wrong path. As a general rule of thumb, do the opposite of what you feel like.

I try to tell her to think of how happy our marriage was, and that there's a chance we can still recapture that.

Saying stuff like this just makes things worse, it makes you look desperate and weak which is a repellent to women.

After browsing this site for the past day or so, I am realizing the weakness I am showing her. I am currently her backup plan. She has left the door slightly open to R (saying, "I'm not sure how I will feel in the future, I know I might regret this."), but also continues in her fog to convince herself more and more that she is doing what is right.

As long as you are Plan B you are ENABLING the affair by being the safety net just in case it doesn't work out (they rarely do). You being the backup allows her to take risks with the affair.

I still want to try reconciliation, but how can I get her to that point?

Tell her "I want a divorce" and file for a divorce. This is absolutely the quickest way to get an WS out of the fog. Nothing short of that is going to have an affect.

Do it and mean it, she has to do everything in her power to stop you from divorceing you if you want to R or else it's not going to work. Don't reward her for stabbing you in the back with this affair, get angry about it.

[This message edited by Dobby at 3:29 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]