SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not much to add here, just know we're here to support you.

Keep reading and posting brother!

She needs a job pronto. Life as the stay at home parent is over. So sorry.

I am so sorry. Each person here knows how overwhelming and painful betrayal is.It sends you into some weird emotional tailspin.Leave all the decision making until your mind has a chance to settle down. You do not have to make decisions this day, this week, or this month. You are in shock right now.Come here often. This site has saved my sanity.

Welcome to SI. I’m sorry that you’re here, but you are in good company. Everyone here wants to help you get out of infidelity. You’ve gotten some great advice so far. I just want to double down on what Sassylee, Ramius & Michigan said: your wife is not ashamed of herself, she’s panicked because she was caught red-handed & you rightfully kicked her ass out. She also has no respect for you as evidenced by still keeping her sex schedule with Dan EVEN THOUGH she KNOWS you are suspicious & that the neighbor is watching her. Definitely get an STD checkup, check with a lawyer to protect yourself, DNA the kids, & require that she gets a job. The free-ride under the guise of taking care of the home when she’s actually taking care of the neighbor needs to end now. It’s a shame that she chose to squander the gift of staying at home. It’s a damn shame that she chose to betray you and your family. Keep your head, we’re here for support.

Matt, sorry you had to find this place.

Do you have any support, family, close friend? The support here is great. In real life support will help once your ready to open up to someone you trust.

She may lie or minimize to her family. The minimizing may include shifting blame to you. All to preserve her image in their eyes. You can expect overtures from her family to keep the family together. To give her another chance. Your emotional state can make you vulnerable to make commitments too soon.

I'd suggest that your focus, the family's focus, should be on the immediate and ongoing care of the children. The bus stop will certainly be a trigger for you.

Take care.

MattinCT I’m so sorry you’re here. I too reside in CT. My xW had an affair and despite my best efforts we divorced. It’s now been 5 years. Your post reasonated with me thus my reply. I rarely post if ever. My point is to both you & Ramius.

Frankly in CT the judges could care less about fault. They were more interested (along with counsel) in keeping the legal process well lubricated $ with filings, motions etc.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I live in the Hartford area should you ever need assistance. PM me if so. Welcome to the unfortunate club no one ever wishes they could join.

Stay strong. You were fortunate enough to have her leave. That will stand you in good stead. Be strong my man. Do not give in to sentiment. She betrayed you and more importantly your children & family for “compliments.” Be strong but unemotional. Easy to say, hard to do. My situation was less than ideal. I made many mistakes. The forum here is fantastic! Heed the advice you’re given however counterintuitive it may seem. I didn’t & my path was rougher than it needed to be.

Best of luck! I realized after divorce that I was placed on this earth for one thing. The betterment & happiness of my children. They are looking towards you. Your WW needs to be remorseful. There can be no rug sweeping or blame shifting. SHE chose to do this. It is not your fault one bit. Never doubt Matt. Take it slow. Do not be hasty nor rush to act. Honestly I’d seek legal counsel. Follow the SI playbook completely. Heed the advice you’re given. It’s sad but rarely is it different. It’s almost as if cheaters use the same book Cheating for Dummies.

Reach out if you need someone to talk to in the real world. Seek out a good friend or family member.

Peace my friend.

Frankly in CT the judges could care less about fault. They were more interested (along with counsel) in keeping the legal process well lubricated $ with filings, motions etc.

T/J.....Man that just sucks. I was hoping since CT and Idaho have similar laws they would applied in a similar fashion.

T/j

I live in CT and came out smelling like a rose in my divorce. Of course, every situation is different, and counsel is key.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 4:23 AM, December 4th (Monday)]

Dbl post.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 4:16 AM, December 4th (Monday)]

Wow, as others have pointed out, the fact that your WW continued the affair right after you confronted her showed she has little respect for you or your marriage. She could have put an end to it. If she really was regretful, she would have come to her senses and stopped it then and there. She didn't. Means she really doesn't care about the marriage, just herself.

Your neighbor is a good man. He probably new what was going on, and did the right thing by bringing it to your attention without being blunt. Wonder if he said anything to OBS as well.

Good job on standing up for yourself. Having her move out and the exposure are good steps. She is now seeing the consequences or her poor decisions. More importantly, for you, you took yourself out of infidelity right away. I wasn't that smart.

Good luck moving forward. Remember to take care of yourself, figure out what YOU want. Then make it happen. Hopefully the lawyer will give you some good advice on how to protect yourself as best you can.

So sorry to hear about your trouble.

Glad you are there for the kids.

hope she gets tested for stds and pregnancy.

That is a real F**K You to do this in your home.

Has she written a complete timeline of the A?

Will she pay for a poly when she starts working?

Will she sign a postnup prepared by your attorney?

What would she do if you had an A?

remember, you can't believe anygthing she says.

She continued with the A after the neighbor told you about this? She is an addict for your neighbor.

Best to file for D. She can't control her addiction. Does she love him?

Best to file for D and watch her actions.

I just want to reiterate to thank your neighbor. This so VERY rare that someone will speak up and involve themselves in someone elses problems. I know this has got to hurt like hell. The fact is because of your neighbor this was caught VERY quickly... You didn't have to spend needless energy playing detective.

Take your time to see what you want to do. At this time you can't believe a word she says. Assume everything she says is a lie. Her actions will belie her words (trying to save her ass). Due to the heiniousness of the way this has played out I would assume this is not her first rodeo unless proven with a passed poly, if you eventually decide to give the marriage another shot.

You've done a lot of the right stuff in a short amount of time. That's a great start on the road to recovery, which is always longer than anyone thinks it should be.

How are you? Are you drinking water, eat healthfully, sleeping, moving your body?

How are you handling the images from finding them in the act? D-day alone is a big trauma. Seeing them in an act is added trauma. You're probably also filled with grief, anger, fear, and shame. Also, my bet is that your head is filled with conflicting thoughts. IOW, you need to be very kind to yourself so you can process the trauma and your feelings out of your body and get control of your thoughts.

If you need help with this work, I urge you to consider finding a good IC.

*************************************

You mention feeling inadequate. That's normal, especially after being cheated on. It's also based on misunderstanding the sitch.

Your W cheated for her own reasons and because of her own issues. She did not cheat because of issues with you or your M.

My bet is that she saw her A as something added to your M, not something taken away from you - maybe something like: you couldn't make love to her, because you were working, after all, so in her lizard brain sex with Dan was nothing. Until d-day, when I hope she woke up to the fact that something was messed up inside her.

******************************************

Before you decide between D & R, I urge you to see yourself living a good life both ways, because you really can live a good life with or without your W.

Both paths are difficult. If you are going toward what will eventually be a good place, a good place that you chose, the tough parts will be easier for you.

If you choose wholly on the basis of avoiding pain, it's really hard to move on to a life of joy.

***********************************

I know your thoughts go every which way, but do you notice a pattern that leans toward R?

If so, I reco taking the approach that it requires 3 healings: 1) you heal you; 2) she heals her; 3) together you heal/build/rebuild your M.

You can support each other's healing, but each of us is responsible for healing himself.

If so, I urge you to think in terms of your requirements for R. Make them observable - it's harder to lie with actions than with words, although words count, too.

Total NC with Dan and total honesty should be among your reqs. IC for your W with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner should be, too, IMO.

In any case, lay out your reqs for you W - if she wants R, she might have some good ideas. In the end, decide on your joint reqs, and see how she delivers. If the reqs are observable, you 'll both know how you're doing.

*************************************

Above all, know that even though life may look like it will be bleak forever, you can survive and thrive after being betrayed. You really can heal, with or without your W.

Martin CT

In 1994 I discovered my WW was in a 6 month sex bundle with a female co-worker's brother. I panicked...we reconciled...my self esteem has been destroyed since. I regret not DIVORCING at the time. I'm 71 and stuck the rest of my life now. I was in my late 40's then...I now know I should have left and found someone untarnished...I was so wrong to have stayed. Miserable now.

Very sorry to hear what has happened, Matt. As others here have said please be good to yourself, and make sure you are eating and staying hydrated. If you do not feel like eating substantial meals, try to eat a little, quite often.

Please do also inform as many people as possible who can be supportive to you, such as close friends, and your parents. They can be a great help to get you through this. If you find this is affecting your work, it would be a good idea to let your manager know what is going on. Please do not 'suffer in silence'; you have made a good start on not doing that by posting here.

It seems to me that NC is going to be very hard to enforce/maintain in a situation where the two affair partners live so close to one another, and are around during the day 'unsupervised'.

You said that you are going to talk to a lawyer. Maybe you should ask the lawyer if there is any legal route to barring Dan from entering your home, or coming within a certain distance of it, like an exclusion order. As a home owner, I would think that you should be able to get some kind of legal document drafted to tell the guy he is never again to enter your home.

It may be an idea to get a home security system that includes cameras on the entrances to your home, to make sure no-one is sneaking in while you are away.

I would recommend talking to his wife when she returns from her travels, to see if she is interested in co-operating to prevent the affair from continuing. And, obviously, see if the retired neighbour who spotted this behaviour in the first place will be willing to continue acting as your 'eyes' during the day.

One thing to be careful of is them moving their base of operations now that they have been caught using their homes to conduct the affair. It is not unknown for people to use friends' houses, or even their parents' homes, to pursue an affair. And there is always the old stand-by of the family car, when 'visiting friends', 'going to the store', etc.

If she does move back in, and she has access to a car during the day, you can track its movements with a GPS tracker. Basically, it's a little gadget that sticks to the car with a magnet, and records where it has been. They vary in how high-tech they are. At the bottom end, you can detach them and plug them into a computer to see where the car has been. Higher up the line, you can log into a website and track the car's movement's live. People here can advise if you are interested.

Like others, I also think that your wife should get a job. The extra money will help with the family finances, and it will prevent her from having so much free time to put into undesirable activities.

You mentioned that you think the guy may have done things like this before. You could engage a private investigator to do some research on the guy and find out as much as possible about him, just in case you are right, and the guy is a serial cheat. He certainly didn't wait very long after arriving in the neighbourhood to start disrupting it, and knowing as much as possible about him could be beneficial.

Depending on how this affects you, having a few sessions with an individual counsellor might help you to get your thoughts in order, though talking to supportive friends and family can also be very therapeutic. If you find it is affecting your sleep, going to see your doctor is a good idea. Make use of every possible source of support, Matt.

Beyond all of that, please know that people do get through these things, and go on to have happy lives, whichever route they end up taking. There are more than fifty thousand members in this forum, and the vast majority went through the pain of discovery, just as you did. We all survived, and we want to do what we can to help you do that to, and to achieve the best outcome for you and the kids.

You have been heard, Matt, and we are all thinking of you and wishing you the very best.

[This message edited by M1965 at 3:57 PM, December 4th (Monday)]

Matt,

you handled this situation decisively, efficiently and made all the right moves.

I would follow up with Dan's wife and get her views regarding what she is doing. She is an ally on the other side.

Getting out of infidelity is key but the next step beyond that is critical too.

There are similarities between this story, 36 years gone and AmbivalentOne's Dazed and Confused. AmbivalentOne has handled his situation very well.

I feel that removing her and exposure right away was the best option. Fortunately, you did so in such shock and awe that she immediately left rather than stuck around and remained a pain in the ass.

Keep in mind that if Dan's wife gives him the boot, he is either going to go to your wife even deeper or wash his hands of her to keep his family unit together.

If I were you, I would make things as financially hard on your wife as possible. Split accounts, change where your checks go and try to force her into a job of some type. Try to find one for her. If you decide to divorce, it could help with alimony mitigation. If you decide to give it another shot with her (and she would be one of the luckiest people in the world if this was the case) then she can't be trusted as a SAHM anymore and she lost that privilege.

Good job on seeing an attorney.

Sorry this happened to you. I agree with Ramius and his posts but I would suggest using your anger constructively and develop a strong gameplan to move yourself forward.

Consider doing a 180 and getting some custody arrangement in place while figuring this out.

As as Ramius said, get that neighbor a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue and visit him in person and give him thanks. Your family situation may be a mess now but at least it's real and you know what you have.

How did she know you walked in on them ? Did you tell them to F off before turning around and leaving ? Did they just happen to see you ? Good job on keeping your composure. I don't think I could have.

Adultery can affect alimony and grounds of divorce in Connecticut in your favor. I am sending you a link on this but in reality, your attorney will probably know more. Not saying that will be the route you will take but I know it is one of the things you may have in the back of your head.

Good luck man and keep up the good work on protecting yourself

Ramius) Thank god for your neighbor. Buy that man a bottle of good whiskey. He did you a solid.

I'll second that. Decent people should be rewarded for having the balls to do the right thing.

Michigan, M1965, and Western 's posts are excellent advice and very much worth following.

So far you have handled this perfectly. If you have any thought whatsoever of entertaining a conversation with her about reconciliation (I know I couldn't after what you saw), demand a polygraph to verify this was the only affair she has had and any other questions you may have. Cheaters lie, it's a given. She has displayed no reason to believe anything she says and has only admitted to what you caught her in.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 12:18 PM, December 4th (Monday)]

No man can truly reconcile after witnessing his wife fucking another man. End all contact with her that is not directly related to the children and start the divorce ASAP. You will never regret spinning on your heel and walking away from this tainted marriage.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation Matt. I know it's no consolation at this point, but you're not alone in this. We've all been where you are.

I think you're making a good choice in seeing a lawyer and determining your options. It was also wise of you to kick her out of the house. Continue to keep possession of the house and kids. It will help you greatly if you end up going to court.

Keep your options open. Don't promise anything. Don't reveal your steps of action. Don't reveal your source/s. Don't reveal your plan. Don't tip your hand. Make a plan and stick to it. Your wayward wife (WW) checked out of the marriage the moment she decided to begin a relationship with the other man (OM). Take care of you and your kids.

You probably already know this, but you've done nothing wrong. You've kept your end of the marriage bargain by being faithful to your family and ensuring that they are fully provided for. You've even gone so far as to allow your wayward wife (WW) to stay at home to do whatever she wants without worries about money or necessities. You're a good guy. You are not the problem. You are the honest person in this scenario.

I can tell you that I was incensed when my now ex cheated on me. I had done much like you have; provided so that she could be a stay-at-home mother. She had the freedom to do whatever she wanted and rather than making good with her life, she chose to cheat on the person who was ensuring she wanted for nothing. I was devastated and I still can't wrap my head around a person acting this way when they have so much, and so much to be grateful for.

I initially wanted to reconcile but I couldn't live with the bruise to my ego (there's nothing wrong with having an ego), and with never knowing if/when she'd do it again. So I found my old self again and decided to divorce the baggage. I can promise you that I'm much happier and freer now than I'd been in years. Her betrayal turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm much more confident and internally fortified than I ever was before. You will be too.

It's hard to believe (I didn't believe it) but regardless of your choice, you're going to find yourself stronger and more free after all of the dust settles. I'm rooting for you.