SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think the proximity definitely will be an issue. Do the kids play together? Will you be dealing with Dan jr. doing sleep-overs during the next years?

I must say I find the timing extremely quick; see each other at the school bus on Monday, coffee on Tuesday and sex soon after…

I truly think marriages can survive ANYTHING. Anything except lies.

This does not mean that I think every marriage should be saved, but if you want to then you could reconcile your marriage. But only if two required conditions are met: You know the truth and both you and your wife want to reconcile.

The truth might also make you more content with a decision to divorce. Either way then any doubts or unasked questions will only fester.

I don’t think you have the truth… If that’s correct then reconciliation isn’t likely to succeed.

I don’t know if you can be convinced that it started in September. I think the speed is strange. I think there might be more. Or not… I think she needs a better understanding of why she did it. I think she needs to explain why she risked it all… I think you need a lot more info.

Some of that info can’t be provided now. Some of it might need IC for her and MC for you both. But there needs to be a significant effort and willingness to get to the bottom of why she did what she did, what can prevent it from happening and what you two can do to live with what she did.

You need to deal with your situation with the seriousness it warrants. See Brennans post above? Honestly – do you want a marriage where you are constantly reminding your wife about her affair? Want to get your kicks by seeing her squirm? Friend – if you don’t want the BEST MARRIAGE in the WORLD with this woman then cut your losses, file and move on. Yes, it’s hard but don’t short-sell yourself by accepting less than the best as a life-partner.

See an attorney. Be very clear on your options. Divorce is a very real and good option out of infidelity. And that’s it – what you are looking for now are paths out of infidelity. There are ONLY two good paths out and that is total and true reconciliation or divorce. The third option is where she moves back in, you sleep on the couch for a week, you don’t talk… and then things go back to “normal”. Only every time you see OM you jab at WW.

I am going to suggest one thing:

Either ask your wife to write down or tell you the complete truth.

Is this the first time? How did it really start? Who initiated? How often? Where? Correspondence? Whatever it is you need. Get the total truth. Make this deal with her: Whatever she tells you now will be used as your base to decide if you can remain in the marriage. Right now, you are receptive to the TRUTH no matter how grim or mean or black it is. But if you were to discover a month from now that he once kissed her in the garden, or fondled her butt while the waved the kids bye-bye… these “smaller” truths will do more damage than anything you learn now.

Edited to add: Make it also clear to her that the “truth” as she tells you now will be corroborated by a polygraph test in the next couple of weeks. Your commitment will be a lot based on how that goes.

Finally friend: The fact he might be taller, bigger, have all his teeth or whatever has nothing to do with why she fell for him rather than you. She cheated despite you, not because of you. It’s totally on her.

[This message edited by Bigger at 11:14 AM, December 5th (Tuesday)]

"She can support herself, there’s no reason for her to get a penny of alimony from me."

I think that's a great move having her start working more. She's obviously got time on her hands and putting it to better use making money versus screwing the neighbor, is a great plan.

Considering that she so easily jumped into bed with the neighbor, I do wonder if this isn't her first ride with another man. For quite a while I baffled over how, after many years of marriage, my ex could just jump into bed with someone else. I found later that she had been screwing other guys over the years; suddenly and sadly it made sense.

I think you're making great decisions. Keep your resolve; you call the shots now.

"She can support herself, there’s no reason for her to get a penny of alimony from me."

It‘s not your call. This is why you see an attorney. You don’t single-handedly decide divorce-terms. Irrespective of her earning ability you might still have to pay alimony based on previous years income.

I know this is too fresh, but I’m really leaning towards divorce. I will never look at her the same way again, she disgusts me. Even if I hadn’t caught them in the act, I will never trust her again. I do not see myself spending the rest of my life with someone I don’t trust.

As for Dan, I will continue to see him in the neighborhood. I will not let him win, so to speak. Why should I leave a home my kids and I love? He should hang his head in shame and know that his choices aren’t going to scare me off. Unfortunately, his kids are not welcome to my house and I will not let my kids go over there. I do plan on telling my other neighbors.

I don’t want to give my cards away though. I hate to say it, but I want to make sure my wife is back to work full-time and financially independent before I tell her I want a divorce.

Do you plan on living in limbo for a couple of years?

Divorce settlements are usually based on income as presented on tax-returns. Having her financially independent for a couple of months won’t do much.

How about the home? Do you have the finances to buy her out? After all she owns half the value of marital property.

Go speak to an attorney. Get advice on how best to ensure your rights in divorce.

"I want to make sure my wife is back to work full-time and financially independent before I tell her"

Good move regardless of what happens or what decisions the court 'might' make.

"speak to an attorney. Get advice on how best to ensure your rights in divorce."

Exactly. See a good 'mens' attorney. Someone who specifically represents men's rights in divorce. They're out there; talk to some divorced men and check the reviews.

"I will never look at her the same way again, she disgusts me. Even if I hadn’t caught them in the act, I will never trust her again. I do not see myself spending the rest of my life with someone I don’t trust."

That's exactly where I found myself too. Even when I occasionally see her now, I don't want her touching me, I don't interact with her, I don't have anything to do with her, period. Another poster on this forum said he physically threw-up after his now ex tried to kiss him. I would too. I don't hate her and I have forgiven her, but that doesn't mean she doesn't make me want to hurl.

I don’t want to give my cards away though. I hate to say it, but I want to make sure my wife is back to work full-time and financially independent before I tell her I want a divorce.

MattinCT

You're as smart as your wife is dumb. Extremely.

Matt,

There is nothing wrong with infidelity being a deal-breaker. You know yourself better than anyone else. To be honest, having been through it before, I would not tolerate it again for a second. However, that is a considered opinion formed over several years. You are still very close to discovery. I am not saying that because I am recommending reconciliation, but rather because I want the solution you reach to be the best one for you.

It is quite possible that your feelings will not change, but as Bigger says, things take time in the real world. I think it is wise to want your wife to be as independent as possible before you initiate divorce, if that is what you want, but a lawyer can advise you how long she would need to be self-supporting for it to have an impact on alimoney. Of course, there is no harm in having her earn as much as possible, and she has proven she has enough spare time to entertain Dan, so she could be doing something better with the time.

However, the reality is likely to be a period of limbo, as Bigger says, while she gets back to work. You will need to consider how you can make that work for you and the kids, and whether you will let her back soon, or only after she proves she is working more hours.

If divorce is what you want, you may find, after speaking to a lawyer, that being in limbo for a year or two might not achieve much, and it might be hard to live that way. Akternatively, you may find that it will work, and the limbo period will give you longer to consider your options, and therefore you will be more 'settled' about whichever option you choose.

The immediate 'essential' is to talk through the options with a lawyer.

Re: Alimony.. that's not how it works, at least where I live,

I work full time and can easily support myself. But My STBXWH makes 6x what I make and I have supported him and his career for nearly 15 years. You better believe I want alimony and will get it. I know it's unfair when it's the wayward spouse that goes after alimony (I personally think that should be a deal breaker across the board in all states), but if you make more than her, she is likely to be entitled to Alimony. And a lot of it.

I’m meeting Dan’s wife tomorrow morning to talk about the affair. I’ll see if his version of events lines up with my wife’s.

I know this is too fresh, but I’m really leaning towards divorce. I will never look at her the same way again, she disgusts me. Even if I hadn’t caught them in the act, I will never trust her again. I do not see myself spending the rest of my life with someone I don’t trust.

With that being the case do not spend money on a poly. Save it for the lawyer.

As for Dan, I will continue to see him in the neighborhood. I will not let him win, so to speak. Why should I leave a home my kids and I love? He should hang his head in shame and know that his choices aren’t going to scare me off. Unfortunately, his kids are not welcome to my house and I will not let my kids go over there. I do plan on telling my other neighbors.

Yea, fuck him. Let him live with being known for what he is. Once the neighborhood is aware you won't see too much of him.

I don’t want to give my cards away though. I hate to say it, but I want to make sure my wife is back to work full-time and financially independent before I tell her I want a divorce.

Give it a shot. Consult with the lawyer and see if there is a way to play the long game. Between the adultery and her earning potential maybe something can be worked to your advantage. No harm in trying.

Good luck with that meeting. I found out about my WW from OBS on FaceBook. We ended up chatting for months before we went NC. It really helped to fill in the gaps on timelines and other information. Apparently my WW was much more truthful than OM was with his S. She had access to all of his financial records so she could find all of the receipts of gifts, meals and a few trips. I gathered up all of the gifts/notes/pictures/cards I found in the house and had a nice fire.

I will never look at her the same way again, she disgusts me. Even if I hadn’t caught them in the act, I will never trust her again.

I'm glad you see your reality so clearly. These reasons, plus the fact that you DID catch them in the act, make a true reconciliation impossible.

I have never read or heard from a single betrayed husband who regretted divorcing his cheating wife. Not one. The only regret any of them have is not divorcing her sooner. Every day you spend with her is one more wasted day that you will never get back. Fuck the finances - her working is not going to matter all that much. The fact that she has a profession and she is still actively working in that profession are the only facts that matter. Talk with a good divorce lawyer and get things moving. Your life is waiting...

I’m meeting Dan’s wife tomorrow morning to talk about the affair. I’ll see if his version of events lines up with my wife’s.

It would be good to ask her if he has a track record of doing this sort of thing, as you think he may have. To do something as reckless as having an affair in the street where you live, right after you have moved in, smacks of someone with a sex addiction or some kind of compulsive disorder. It could be that they have had to move several times if this is how he introduces himself to a neighbourhood.

It is also an ideal time to lay down the ground rules about the kids and any other boundaries that you need to feel more secure. It would be good, if depressing, to get an agreement with her that you will keep one another informed of any trips away from home that your spouses take, to see if any coincide.

You said that you work close to home. If she does move back in, and it is possible for you to do this, show up at home unannounced at random times when she is not working. I had a friend who did this, and it brought his wife's habit of inviting a 'friend' into the home during the day 'for coffee' to a screeching halt. Once you get into it, there are a million and one good excuses for needing to shoot home unexpectedly; forgotten stuff that you need, paperwork, you needed to check something, you noticed a leak in the bathroom and you wanted to check if it had got worse.

As I mentioned before, I think it is worth exploring with your lawyer if, as the homeowner, you can take out any kind of legal injunction against him ever entering your home again, and have it served on him. I also think it is worth letting the neighbors know, as you say you plan to. Every man in the street needs to know if an active predator and homewrecker has moved in, and it will increase the number of people who watch his movements.

I am really sorry this has happened to you, Matt, but you are taking effective action to get yourself out of infidelity, and that is the goal of these forums.

Even if you decide to divorce I still suggest you start with this:

I am going to suggest one thing:

Either ask your wife to write down or tell you the complete truth.

Is this the first time? How did it really start? Who initiated? How often? Where? Correspondence? Whatever it is you need. Get the total truth. Make this deal with her: Whatever she tells you now will be used as your base to decide if you can remain in the marriage. Right now, you are receptive to the TRUTH no matter how grim or mean or black it is. But if you were to discover a month from now that he once kissed her in the garden, or fondled her butt while the waved the kids bye-bye… these “smaller” truths will do more damage than anything you learn now.

Make it also clear to her that the “truth” as she tells you now will be corroborated by a polygraph test in the next couple of weeks. Your commitment will be a lot based on how that goes.

Don’t have to carry through with the poly if you are still insistent on divorce later on, but having the truth will empower you immensely.

As for Dan, I will continue to see him in the neighborhood. I will not let him win, so to speak. Why should I leave a home my kids and I love? He should hang his head in shame and know that his choices aren’t going to scare me off. Unfortunately, his kids are not welcome to my house and I will not let my kids go over there. I do plan on telling my other neighbors.

Yep. Tell the whole neighborhood. This does not reflect poorly on you at all and every man in the neighborhood should know so they can keep the man away from their wives. Maybe with some good shame he will move away.

You caught your wife humping another guy in your house. Why would you need to confirm WW's story with the story OM told to his wife?

Cheaters lie, and your wife and OM probably synchronized the narratives anyway.

As you so succinctly noted, cheating is cheatimg--whether it's one time or 100.

This is a very disturbing story. The fact you were onto her and she felt the risk was still worth it is horrible. This is also the type of affair that if your neighbor hadn’t tipped you off probably would have gone on for years

My wife too conducted her affair in our house. Among other things this was unforgivable. I don’t know what was going on, but with this type of frequency there was probably overlapping sex days with you. There was with mine

My wife too had the ice bucket thrown on her head. I didn’t catch her but a PI did. Right in our bedroom.

She got religion fast. I heard it all. “ I never stopped loving you, he meant nothing, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you”. The works along with snot nosed crying. Didn’t help me at all although I stuck it out for five years. You are way ahead of my game as I never exposed her or to his BW. My biggest mistake.

I respect your decision to stay in the house. Just know it won’t be easy. I was stubborn and refused to move, but when I did I felt much better. I also didn’t have young kids

If you do take her back you might want to rethink that. First you will get her away from him, and she will be a huge trigger. I don’t know how you unsee what you saw.

My opinion is she needs to feel consequence for a long time. Don’t let her back right away.

You are a champ for what you have done so far

As you so succinctly noted, cheating is cheating--whether it's one time or 100.

While that may be true, I wish my WW only had a ONS. From my calculations my WW had sex over 500 times with OM. More than we ever did in the entirety of my marriage.