SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

PLEASE get your children out of this situation! I am separated from a serial cheating narcissist after 26 years. We didn't fight, he just treated me like a piece of furniture. I didn't really understand until I caught him. What your husband is doing in front of the kids is worse. My now college-age kids are dealing with problems related to how we interacted. Your husband (and you, I'm sorry to say) are heaping lifelong issues on them. They need a strong mom to show them what normal relationships look like. I would give anything to go back 10 years and take my kids and run.

If your husband truly loves you, he'll do the work and reconciliation down the road is possible. But he has a lot of work to do before he's emotionally safe for you or the kids.

This man’s actions are extremely abusive to your children. That is totally unacceptable.

While I don't want to go so far as to use the term 'abusive', this is part of my rationale for posting about 'overcontrol.'

In my case, at least, it seems that I try to control EVERYTHING and when I can't (because it's not possible)... stress and anger and depression build. Sooner or later, all of that crap comes out and it's ugly when it does (for example, an affair, abusive language, physical abuse, suicide attempts, etc).

It's kind of the opposite of a borderline personality disorder (as I understand it). I have no idea about what I am talking about, since I am just starting the therapy... but it's clearly common as there are group sessions and I am clearly not the only one with these problems.

Tess - I read your posts here with mounting incredulity. Why are you still with this man? You are risking inflicting permanently damage on your children. And it’s thoroughly unhealthy for you as well.

I agree entirely with what Stronger-Everyday said.

Please take a step back and look objectively at your husband and the situation you are in. Then visualize a future without all this drama.

As Stronger-Everyday said - there is still a possibility of reconciliation down the road. But first he needs to sort himself out, and at this point he is unwilling to do so.

You cannot continue like this!

that it's not to manipulate me but it's him voicing his feelings of hopelessness in those moments, which then subside as he thinks more logically. I don't buy it. He is not all better yet, he still crashes like this.

He needs to practice saying, "Right now I feel hopeless." He is a grown man and this is unacceptable. You do not deserve this. Your kids do not deserve this.

Hi Tess,

He does need IC to help him process his own demons. My WH was just like yours. One min. He's sweet,loving and caring even nurturing and then the next he's this mean sarcastic bully. It's wasn't until he started IC and marriage counseling that he started turning the corner. Something in him told him he needs to shut up and listen and stop trying to control the outcome of our relationship . He was famous for his controlling behavior and manipulation tactics. I did file for separation early on but didn't enforce it. He did the same thing your husband did . He would say that if I wasn't happy that he would leave and then change it to I should leave. In the end I did pack my stuff but he stopped me and then we argued again . This time though I went to the court house with my separation docs and they stated that I could issue a subpoena for him to leave since our separation docs specified that the house can only have myself and children living there. I showed him the document before I filed and "stated the next time you threaten me you need to make good on it and leave". He has since only suggested to me as a friend not husband that even after all of our counseling that if I still wasn't happy or able to move on that he will leave if it will help me heal and make me happy. I told him when that day comes I will ask him to leave. He hasn't said anything since.

This recovery stuff is not a picnic you just have to pick the right path and stay on it. The hard part is finding that path.