SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been lurking on here for a few days. I found out a month ago WH (husband) of almost 10 years has been visiting Asian massage parlors, going to strip clubs & was having an EA recently at work. I'm 35 weeks pregnant and I think I have gone through every emotion possible. We are expecting our 3rd child soon & I am devastated. I've been checked for STDs & told him to go also. He "says" he wants to stay together and make this work.

I am having a really hard time believing anything he says. If he confessed maybe I would feel differently, but I woke up with some weird thoughts & just started snooping and found way too much. We had scheduled one session of marriage counseling due to in law issues. Now he is there saying that our in law issues specifically MIL had gotten so bad that he resorted to this. The counselor agreed that everyone handles stress differently. I just can't find it in myself to take the blame for years of infidelity & lies. I think the lies hurt the most because I trusted him with everything. I feel like I am living with a stranger.

I went off a few days ago & told him to sleep in another room until we figure this out. He was previously, but came back to our room saying that it didn't look good for the kids. He is back out of the room. I have been doing IC online trying to sort all of my thoughts out.

Any advice or suggestions?

Right now one day at a time.

Take care of you, the child you are carrying and your kids. Make sure that you eat, stay hydrated, a little exercise and try to sleep as much as you can.

You don't have to make any decisions now.

Just remember .... YOU did nothing to deserve this and there is not any excuse for someone to cheat. He can say all he wants but it is the actions that count. There is no easy fix.... no magic cure. It takes a long time to deal with infidelity.

So head to the Healing Library and the Tactical Primer on the top of this forum and start to read.

However, you can't reconcile by yourself. You can't build a new foundation of your marriage by yourself.

What has he actually done to take ownership for his choices, ensure that he never does this again, and to rebuild the marriage and trust? Keep in mind that you can only do your part and he can only do his.

And please understand that YOU did nothing to deserve this and his choices are, in no way, a reflection on you or your marriage. He has personal insecurities and a lack of boundaries that have to be faced and dealt with. He needs IC (individual counseling). He has to be willing to make himself a better person, a better man, a better husband and a better father. He has to be honest, transparent, answer your questions without blame shifting or making excuses.

(((shatteredheart3))) Please keep reading and posting and when you have the time .... go to the links below. Draw on the wisdom and strength of the people who have travelled this road.

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Before you say reconcile...Recover!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=561390

For the newly betrayed

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=535178

shatteredheart3 I am extremely sorry that you qualify for membership in our club but I do understand totally how you feel right now. I am two years out from having learned the very same thing about my H; only diff is we were together 35 years at that time and I learned he'd been doing that the past ten. I was in extreme shock as you are now.

If you can find an RL therapist who is experienced with betrayal trauma that would be great. But if not work with an experienced person on phone and/or Skype.

Get all the necessary testing done. I actually felt ok doing that; seemed like the only concrete, positive thing I could do that first week. Make sure your H is tested to and get all results.

You must get proper sleep and nutrition. If you cannot sleep then try OTC remedies. If that doesn't work try relaxation tapes and if not that then get sleep meds from your doctor. Be sure to eat properly if only in small portions throughout the day.

Exercise can help. Being with people you like is important whether or not you choose to tell. That's another issue to decide.

There is a special group here on SI for those whose spouses engaged in Emotionless Infidelity--EI group in the I Can Relate Forum. We are a very gentle, supportive bunch. There is also an group for partners and spouses of those dealing with SA--sex addiction.

Your H may or may not have an addiction. Behavior alone does not determine that though some therapists may not know that. Two years ago, several therapists immediately said my H was an SA--that simply by his behavior. Since then several others as well as those within the SA community have said no. There are many aspects to SA. There are online tests your H can take and if he answers completely truthfully he will get a good idea of whether he fits that category and whether you both would be helped by SA and SANON types programs.

I would suggest you join a support group such as BAN or SANON. Being with other BSs can be enormously helpful.

You are in shock right now so try to relieve yourself of making any serious decisions. If you want him out of your bed or room or house for the time being then say so but try not to think long term; not about D or R. That's for when you are in balance and able to make a wise and safe decision.

Try reading up on SA and other forms of betrayal. Use whatever you find useful in the Healing Library (top left in Yellow box)

They rarely confess and yes, he's lived a lie for a long time; he's lead a double life. He has violated you and the relationship; he's exploited you and the family and he's exploited those women. He's been spending the family funds on a creepy, pathetic disgusting and potentially physically harmful activity. If he is anything like my H, he acted completely out of character and it's a nightmare.

Like mine, your H wants to keep his family. He wants to stay. They almost always do. Ive no doubt your H is sincere. Mine was. Still is.

This is very hard. It can take years to feel normal again and it's never going to be the same. Theoretically, things can be better than before. That depends on what before was like. But do know that you are going to be ok. It's very, very hard but you are not alone. Time will make a difference; the work you do will make a difference. What your H does will make a difference too. And please feel free to ask for help here. Again, you can find support in the EI and SA forums.

You will be ok.

shatteredheart3 I am extremely sorry that you qualify for membership in our club but I do understand totally how you feel right now. I am two years out from having learned the very same thing about my H; only diff is we were together 35 years at that time and I learned he'd been doing that the past ten. I was in extreme shock as you are now.

If you can find an RL therapist who is experienced with betrayal trauma that would be great. But if not work with an experienced person on phone and/or Skype.

Get all the necessary testing done. I actually felt ok doing that; seemed like the only concrete, positive thing I could do that first week. Make sure your H is tested to and get all results.

You must get proper sleep and nutrition. If you cannot sleep then try OTC remedies. If that doesn't work try relaxation tapes and if not that then get sleep meds from your doctor. Be sure to eat properly if only in small portions throughout the day.

Exercise can help. Being with people you like is important whether or not you choose to tell. That's another issue to decide.

There is a special group here on SI for those whose spouses engaged in Emotionless Infidelity--EI group in the I Can Relate Forum. We are a very gentle, supportive bunch. There is also an group for partners and spouses of those dealing with SA--sex addiction.

Your H may or may not have an addiction. Behavior alone does not determine that though some therapists may not know that. Two years ago, several therapists immediately said my H was an SA--that simply by his behavior. Since then several others as well as those within the SA community have said no. There are many aspects to SA. There are online tests your H can take and if he answers completely truthfully he will get a good idea of whether he fits that category and whether you both would be helped by SA and SANON types programs.

I would suggest you join a support group such as BAN or SANON. Being with other BSs can be enormously helpful.

You are in shock right now so try to relieve yourself of making any serious decisions. If you want him out of your bed or room or house for the time being then say so but try not to think long term; not about D or R. That's for when you are in balance and able to make a wise and safe decision.

Try reading up on SA and other forms of betrayal. Use whatever you find useful in the Healing Library (top left in Yellow box)

They rarely confess and yes, he's lived a lie for a long time; he's lead a double life. He has violated you and the relationship; he's exploited you and the family and he's exploited those women. He's been spending the family funds on a creepy, pathetic disgusting and potentially physically harmful activity. If he is anything like my H, he acted completely out of character and it's a nightmare.

Like mine, your H wants to keep his family. He wants to stay. They almost always do. Ive no doubt your H is sincere. Mine was. Still is.

This is very hard. It can take years to feel normal again and it's never going to be the same. Theoretically, things can be better than before. That depends on what before was like. But do know that you are going to be ok. It's very, very hard but you are not alone. Time will make a difference; the work you do will make a difference. What your H does will make a difference too. And please feel free to ask for help here. Again, you can find support in the EI and SA forums.

You will be ok.

I am so sorry you are here. I cannot imagine how awful it was to discover this.

I would like to bring up a practical point. Please see an attorney. I know you do not know what you want at this point. I do want to bring this to your attention. Your state requires a year of legal seperation. Second, you want to make it to 10 years of marriage before filing for legal separation dus to social security benefits.

I am so sorry you had to join our club.

Not that you should feel 'fortunate' that he wants to reconcile, but he really DOES mean it when he says he doesn't want to lose his family and his marriage.

But that's only because serial cheaters like him very much want a wife and family at home keeping the home fires burning and providing everything for him that he needs in life and waiting with open arms for him each time he comes home.

But he ALSO wants to have his secret life on the side where the rules are, "there AIN'T no rules." This part of his life should never cross over into the life he was with you - to him, they're two separate worlds and you have nothing to do with his cheating world. It's just for HIM and no one else. But because cheaters are just about the most selfish creatures on the planet, he wants his cheating 'secret life' AND he wants to have the home and family and everything you provide for him when he's done out having his fun and he comes back home to play devoted husband and father. That's pretty much the playbook for all serial cheaters.

What a convenient excuse he's chosen for his serial cheating - his in-law issues 'drove' him to massage parlors and to have affairs for YEARS. I'm not surprised at ALL that your 'counselor' agreed with this pile of steaming horseshit because therapists are always so eager to provide some half-assed bullshit excuse for why cheaters cheat. For some odd reason, they're just incapable of admitting that most cheaters cheat because they WANT to and for no other reason that that.

So the next time you catch him cheating (and there surely WILL be a next time) what will your counselor's crap excuse for him be then - that he's trying to 'cope' with inflation? That he's dealing with being bullied at work? He's concerned about world hunger and climate change? What a crock. Don't accept that utter nonsense and even worse yet, pay some quack for this nonsense.

He's been cheating for years because he's a serial cheater. Period. No matter what you do, no matter how rosy life is for him, no matter how well his life is going, no matter if his in-laws started kissing his ass and giving him $500 a week and the in-law 'issues' disappear - he's STILL going to cheat.

That's what serial cheaters do. They seem to think that they're entitled to have more than everyone else in life, and worse, it appears they simply aren't capable of having remorse for their actions. That's how they're able to just cheat again and again and again and again.

Do know that serial cheaters rarely reform. Rarely. Some have been known to turn their lives around after long and intense therapy, but they're considered 'high risk' and it's a crap-shoot at BEST reforming them. You can cry, beg, plead, threaten, give him an ultimatum and even chain him to the floor of your basement, but he'll still cheat on you. That's what they do.

Be very very wary of claims that he's 'changed' and become a 'new man.' He hasn't. He'll just be on his best behavior and promising you the moon in order to avoid divorce court. Been there, done that way too many times with my two serial cheaters. Pffft.

You honestly need to think long and hard before investing in him again. The chances you'll have more D-Days are very high. Unfortunately, that's life with a serial cheater.

Good luck to you.

shattered while I agree with a lot of hat NoMercey said about your H still wanting his family and how they separate their two lives, I don't think any of us have prediction powers. She tends to universalize about serial cheaters from her two experiences. I would have trouble making such assertions even if there'd been four cheaters in my life.

I think our inability to know what people will do in the future is the reason we're shocked when we learned what our H's did. We surely didn't predict what we found out to be the truth. I think it's hard enough for us to know what our partners will do let alone know what someone else's partner, someone we don't know will do.

When asked about their activity, the men engaging in EI will typically talk about stress and escape. Im sure that the activity is an escape. Yes, that's what they wanted to do but there's a lot behind why someone will choose one escape over the other. Bottom line is they typically have poor coping methods; they are typically self absorbed, self-centered. They clearly have the ability to lead a double life which means lying and violating. But can they change? Can they become decent honest human beings? I think yes, some can. So here's hoping your H fits that category once you have healed and can decide what you want. Again, you're welcome to join us in the EI group. No 2x4s and none of us peering Into crystal balls.

Shatteredheart13, I'm so sorry you found yourself here. I can empathize with your situation as mine is somewhat similar (discovered an EA/PA with a COW and then he later confessed to strip clubs and massage parlors). Is he going to IC? I don't believe him when he says his MIL issues led him to act out. He did act out, don't get me wrong, but he did so because of issues *he* has that have nothing to do with anyone else. He needs individual counseling to begin to understand why he did what he did.

I'm so very sorry you find yourself here, but am glad you found us.

My primary concern--and I have been in your shoes--is that those who seek sex with (paid) strangers very often have difficulty establishing relationships involving emotional intimacy.

For years (decades), I believed I had a relationship in which, no matter what other crises might impinge, we at least had a genuine connection. I learned that that was an act, NOT the other way around.

And many of us--not all, but many--who learn our spouses gravitate toward stranger sex DO discover that the real issue is discomfort (or in extreme cases, abject inability) forming emotionally intimate connections.

In hindsight, I see a thousand red flags I missed on the journey. Some were waving pretty furiously, but In didn't want to see them because I had small children (was pregnant, had family crisis, etc etc) and the timing was never quite right to really dig deep.

Until the pain of not addressing it became greater than the pain of addressing it.

I don't know whether or how deeply your husband can form connections with others. It IS something I'd want explored deeply in IC.

I would stay OUT of MC offices for now--he has some personal work to do before marital issues are appropriate to address.

I'm glad you've been screened for STDs. Please ask your doctor to retest IMMEDIATELY before delivery; my birth plan changed from VBAC to cesarean at the last minute because of changes.

I am SO SO SO sorry for your pain. So sorry. But you couldn't have found a better group to help bolster you if you'd searched all the corners of the earth. We're here for you.

I think it's too early for marriage counseling. He has to see an IC and figure out why he's been betraying you, and you should continue your therapy, before working on the marriage issues. I suggest you find a better MC. Everyone handles stress differently is not a reason or excuse to lie and see massage hookers! Blaming MIL for his behavior is ridiculous. He might as well blame it on the family dog causing him stress and making him see strippers.

If you don't want him in your room then tell him he has to stay out and sleep on the sofa. He thinks it doesn't look good for the kids? He should have thought about that before he broke his vows.

I feel as though there had to be warning signs or something that I should've picked up on years ago.

I beat myself up because I just feel plain stupid!! Thanks for all of the advice & support. I lurked on BabyCenter regarding infidelity, but their environment is really toxic and they always want you to make up your mind immediately.

I haven't slept in 2 nights! My mind just wonders & wanders. This is probably one of the hardest things that I've ever faced. I did tell him I wanted a paper copy of all test results.

DD for the EA was 11-8-17

DD for the spas was 11-17-17

Our MC says its a sex addiction, but I have no clue. How does everyone here feel about lie detector test?

I can't believe anything that he says. He said he would take one to prove that he didn't have an affair with this woman at work & that he only got HJs at the spas.

I did contact an attorney and was told about the 1-year separation. I had no idea about SS...thanks! We will be 10 years this January.

I mean we had marital issues like I said. I stopped dealing with his family especially MIL because she has been driving a wedge between us for the 14 years we've been together. I just can't grasp any correlation.

He is supposed to be looking for an IC this week. I told him to find someone who deals sex addiction & cheating/infidelity. What kind of IC should he look for?

Shattered The polygraph has little to do with whether your H is an SA and unless your MC is very experienced in dealing with SA then he/she may not be in a position to determine that.

Has the MC given standard SA tests or advised your H to take them on internet? They are free and they are used by CSATs. Has your H been advised to visit at least 6 SA 12 step programs? Are you and your H reading asap about SA as well as other forms of betrayal?

Many SI members have used polygraphs and if you have specific questions you might find such a test useful. As far as the "just hjs" at the Spa, yes, at least where I live some parlors offer only that though I find nothing just about it and that is definitely no pun intended. That is still cheating; that is still violation of you and your M and it is gross exploitation of you and them.

Wasn't sure you found out after ten years of M or that he's been doing that for ten years. If he's been at it for ten years that may be a hard habit to break. In any case it's good that he is going to work with an IC and yes, good that you told him to find someone experienced with SA, cheating/infidelity. That is exactly the kind of therapist to be working with. He should have a list of questions ready to ask on the phone. He needs to interview them. Not all therapists will do an initial free consultation but they typically do answer questions on the phone--maybe 20 minutes worth. Your H should get some idea from a phone conversation. So he should ask about their area of experience and expertise, what type of training, what type of teaching, what organizations and institutions they are connected with.

And again, if he wants to see if he may be an SA he should take the tests available on line and answer very truthfully. He should also attend some SA meetings. SA is not just about behavior--there are men who habitually use prostitutes but are not SAs. There are men who have serial affairs who are.

Take your time. Right now you are in such a shock. Living in infidelity is not a good thing.

Considering the nature of your husbands issues. I do advise you to become proficient In your rights.

There is a wonderful website called Association of Divorce Financial Planning. Please google this. They have an ebook written for the spouse to describe legal aspects of divorce. I learned so much and was very prepared when I sought consultations.

Educating yourself at this point is your best plan. Use this time to learn all you can.

My husband thought he could buy me a house and get a clean divorce in 3 months. My situation is different than yours... he had a “mid-life crisis affair”. However, I did learn because I was at a meeting to transfer some retirement assets...we made a joint decision so I would receive half of those particular assets. He believed those to be his as he had them pre-marriage.

Document all you can financially. Start getting copies of your tax paperwork, change all your beneficiaries. You want to put things into a trust for your children. Change your wills. During this time..:you have no idea what you health will do. I almost died 9 months from DD. My husband had power of attorney. Do you want your husband making medical and financial decisions for you?

You don’t seem to be a head in the sand woman. I am not either. Prepare everything you can do you can control the upcoming narrative. Knowledge is power in this situation.

When my husband found out I would refuse a house and ask for retirement assets....his unicorn didn’t look so pretty anymore. A big chunk of his income is stock options and bonus plans. He mistakenly thought my alimony would be based of his salary alone. While he was grieving his unicorn princess. I had spreadsheets of every dime we spent over the last 5 years.

That is what I did during my sleepless nights. I also started a division schedule of household goods. I also had items appraised in our home. He saw how serious I was.

My house was the cleanest it had ever been during those sleepless nights.

Something else. I did cry every single day for the first 6 months. But I also wore high heels. Silly? Yes. But it made me feel powerful.

I feel as though there had to be warning signs or something that I should've picked up on years ago.

I beat myself up because I just feel plain stupid!!

Please do not beat yourself up! You are not stupid. You are someone who took your wedding vows seriously and did not pursue extramarital relations with anyone, known or not. Infidelity was not something on your radar which is why you didn't notice anything amiss with your WS.

I too had no idea and was blindsided. Looking back, yes, I can see red flags but hindsight is always 20/20. There is nothing wrong with not seeing the red flags as they happen, to me that speaks to the quality of your character.

Our MC says its a sex addiction, but I have no clue. How does everyone here feel about lie detector test?

The benefit of scheduling the polygraph for me was that it got WS to admit to the strippers. I had no idea about those and had no way of finding out (I discovered the EA/PA) so had he not been under the threat of a lie detector test, I don't think he would have confessed to that - he could have literally gotten away with it. BTW, I didn't go through with the test because the tester had to cancel and I felt like my WS was making headway (he had started to see an IC by that point).

I mean we had marital issues like I said. I stopped dealing with his family especially MIL because she has been driving a wedge between us for the 14 years we've been together. I just can't grasp any correlation.

There's no correlation. Many people have family issues and they don't cheat. Many people have perfect families and chat. Do not let him blame this on anyone but himself. My MIL sucks and she definitely contributed to WS' need for validation from women but he's a grown man and knew right from wrong. Which he fully understands thanks to IC.

He is supposed to be looking for an IC this week. I told him to find someone who deals sex addiction & cheating/infidelity. What kind of IC should he look for?

That's what I would recommend. My WS sees someone who specializes in infidelity. Her expertise in this area has been really helpful. It's important that your WS connect with the IC so that he'll want to go back. Mine goes faithfully every week and he was incredibly skeptical of therapy before all of this happened. Your WS may need to see more than one if the first isn't a good fit.

MC might be okay for inlaw issues but not suitable at this time for cheating issues.

I suggest you demand, yes demand, he take the sex addiction test available online. From your opening post that sounds quite likely and Marriage counselling will not help that. He needs a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) to work with and work on his core issues that led him to need to step outside of this marriage in this way.

Absolutely none of this is on you. SA's are quite skilled at lying and leading double lives. No surprise it went on so long without you knowing. And you found out in half the time I did - you at 10 years and me at 20 years. And I always thought I was smart. I was, I am, but also apparently I was naive enough to think vows meant something.

Google Patrick Barnes and have a look around. That's where I found my first and most insightful information to figure out what I was dealing with and how to deal with it.

Make sure you eat and stay hydrated and put your children number 1. If he has to fend for himself while you handle your priorities, oh well.

I don't think that I was clear I was just asking how everyone felt about lie detector test. I am going to put together a list of things I want him to do because with Christmas coming he will have a lot of time on his hands.

The MC is not qualified to make that diagnosis & she told us that. She didn't advise us to take a test online, but I did find one. She did tell us about 12 step programs. He is supposed to be going to one soon.

We will be married for 10 years in January. I still am not exactly sure how many years this has been going on for he said like 7 years?? (who knows)......

I will educate myself legally.It is just a lot to cram in before my due date. I think I posted previously that I did contact a few lawyers offices. I have not met with an actual attorney yet. When I find somewhere to go for the lie detector test I will see what else he reveals. How much are those things?

Frankly, I am tired of the in-law issues being used as an excuse. I know married people are faced with all kinds of issues. He says that I have made him choose between me & his family and that he was stressed! Everyone in the world is STRESSED......about something.

Yes, blindsided is the PERFECT word. When he finally confessed I can't even describe how I felt.

I am definitely learning how to put myself first at this point, he did!

Thank you for all of the info everyone I will be looking into everything. I am sorry that all of us are here.

I discovered my husband had been contacting sex workers when I was 34 weeks pregnant. I was younger, shocked and was a SAHM so figured I had few options. I was livid for about a month and then gave in and rug sweeped. I didn't believe his "it was phone sex only" but resigned myself to just trying to pretend that was true. I never trusted him again EVER.

Fast forward now to 6 years later. I'm older. Wiser. He's a fuckwit tech dummy and didn't cover his tracks. Found more hard facts and confronted and kicked him out that day. I'm 3 months in from this DDAy and hate him.

I wish I could go back to my younger self and give her some courage, or at least lead her to the steps that she should've taken back then.

shattered I agree everyone is stressed by something--it's what I've said to my H many times over these past 2 .5 years when he explains his going to the parlors in terms of stress. But Im not sure that means anything--it's what they did with their stress and I sometimes think if I can't handle his explanation I shouldn't keep asking.

I don't know if your H is offering the MIL situation as an excuse or an explanation; from our perspective I think they sound like one and the same. My H doesn't offer anything as an "excuse" but I do think going to the parlors is not unlike using drugs. I can't agree with those who say the SA isn't "about the sex but an escape." I think the sex is the escape, is the drug. That's what became a habit.

I know there is emphasis here on SI to find out "why" and "how" they could have done what they did but I don't think any answer would suit me or, alternatively, there is no good answer. Yes, everyone has stress and some do drugs, some do drink, some have affairs, some gamble, some do porn, some bike ride and hike some . . . .it's all over the place. So don't think it matters all that much what alternatives are out there--they chose the one they did. Maybe all that matters now, all that can matter now since they cannot unvisited the parlors,

is that they do all in their power to change, to develop radical honesty that they learn to deal with resentment and anger, dissppointment, fear, loneliness, whatever, in healthy, honest ways.

Doesn't mean if they do change and become decent, healthy human beings we have to stay with them. The damage their violation, their exploitation, their betrayal created may just be too much to enable us to stay and be happy. But surely we can't be happy with them if they don't.

Good that your H is willing to work with an IC. My H saw a well respected CSAT when his double life was first detected. She advised him to take the tests on line; there is one from the Carnes

Institute but there are others as well. They ask about twenty questions and while not exactly the same they are similar. SA is about a mental state--those who attend the meetings regularly tend to be dealing with obsessions, compulsions, fantasies of an all but constant nature. They have to work hard to refrain from acting out but they also try to work on underlying issues that trigger their urges and compulsions. It's not simple. After 6 or more visits the therapist could still not access my H as an SA. It's not a science and "diagnosis" is really more a matter of opinion and self-description than objective fact.

But you need to keep focusing on yourself--you must get proper rest and nutrition; exercise is important as is being with people you like and feel comfortable with--whether or not they know. No-one needs to know anything that you don't feel perfectly comfortable sharing.

But goodness, you are just about to have a baby--your third. And any day, any hour now if I recall. So all best wishes to you for a good and healthy birth and baby. You sound amazing strong and smart. You sound spiritually strong and you will definitely be ok.

Did everyone here make a list for the WS (wayward spouse?) about what they expect?

Are you asking about boundaries? total transparency; regular accessibility when not together --reachable by cell; control of money matters, patient and considerate and honest response to my comments and questions about the betrayal and everything and anything else, i.e. complete, radical honesty.

Not quite sure if I expected so much as required/wanted things of H. I required that he not have anger fits; that he be kind and courteous. required that his bad feelings stopped trumping mine--required that he act like a normal, decent, honest human being. Hmm, guess a requirement is an expectation if by that we don't mean we assume that expectation will be met. We have it, we express it and we react a certain way if not lived up to.