SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone

Hello and welcome. You've come to the right place.

Have you read the articles in the upper left corner? Lots of info there.

I've been hanging out here for a while as a non member, have done some reading, finally decided to become a member.

Me...dad, 40 something BS, have custody of two children DD 15, DS 13.

Still stuck in the pick me stage, working hard to 180, struggling

And thank you for the reply whothebeep

Just read your info below. You know that doesn't work, the pick me dance, that is.

I just started reading "Love must be tough", not sure why as I have left him. Have you read it? It seems to help a lot of folks here.

I'm sorry you had cause to join us. We all share your pain. Keep reading and posting.

A hard 180 is your best friend. Doing the “pick me dance” or trying to nice them back will put you in worse shape.

Do not make the mistake of helping hide their affair. It only enables it.

Can you expand on your story? Pick me dance never works. You are basically telling your wayward, its ok if you fuck other men, just as long as you don't leave me! No sir, not a good look. Time to bring the hammer.

Whats up?

It's a fairly long story, but I will share, I guess that's what compelled me to join. I've needed to talk to people that know where I've been, where I am. It's been a 19 month nightmare of trying, failing, starting to R then falling apart again.

My w was getting really distant and spending a lot of time in her phone, I suspected she was having an online affair but denied it. She grew more and more distant from me and the kids and began drinking excessively and blocked no is out more and more despite my efforts to help her or try to talk and support her.

Last may she told me she had to move to her mothers as she couldn't stand to be around us all anymore, said she was depressed and stifled. She still did and to this day tries to be there for the kids and be a good mother I must add. I found out that a week later she was "hanging out" with a guy. It goes without saying I was devastated. We had been married for 24 years and despite the obvious, 23 years seemed great, we were happy even thru hard times.

I tried being the good guy, standing beside her as best I could because I knew she was going thru so much trauma, her father passed from cancer the Xmas before and her grandmother who she was very close with in the spring. The summer was hell, she asked for a D but when I agreed and started the process, she stopped it and said she didn't want to go down that road yet. Three months later she said it was over and came home to R.

Well it wasn't over.

We went back and forth between her screwing up and starting R over and over until we decided we were not getting anywhere.

8 months ago she moved out, but spends a lot of time at my home (our home) because it's been agreed that I would and will have primary custody. During these months we've talked many times of R and having our old life back, once she "figures herself out" We've taken our kids on vacation and spent a lot of time together which has been extremely tough because it causes me so much inner turmoil and confusion. It's almost as tho I've been become used to or "addicted" to the sadness. The second best, back up plan, shitty confusing feeling.

Many arguments, conversations, have only resulted in pushing her further away, which I get, but she doesn't comprehend how being shit on and disrespected has repeatedly destroyed my self worth.

Anyway we fast forward to today and she still won't entertain the idea of s separation agreement as she believes in 4 months when her lease is up she will be coming home to start the work and reclaim our old relationship.

I've lived in a state of limbo for so long that "fucked up" is my new normal.

I still love her, you can't just stop, andfor the sake of my children would still like to be a family?but everyday I get closer to saying to hell with it all and turning my back, I'm the atypical male, always the good guy, patient and supporting, but I know I'm walking the razors edge right now, my mind switches from "let her go, it's not worth it anymore" to "hold fast dad" it will all work out 100 times a day.

Is this normal?

I'm past denial I know, but what stage is this??

The stages cycle back and forth. It sounds like it's still denial to me. I'm sorry you're here, wouldn't wish it on anyone.

It's easy to complicate things, we all spent time making allowances for our WS, giving undeserved credit for microscopic glimmers of what may or may not be an awakening. I highly recommend doing research on remorse vs regret.

You need to trim it down to the basics. Unfortunately my man, she has shown you who she is. Long past the time to believe her.

If initially you struggle to pull the pin, think what you're teaching those kids. Is this the behavior you want them to experience and accept from their future partners?

Hey there. You are better than Plan B. And no, a good parent does not disrupt and disrespect the family. She cheats on you then she cheats on them too.

Try the 180, get some space from her. Get the separation agreement in place to protect you and the kids.

She doesnt sound remrseful. 😐 sorry

The more you play the dreaded pick-me dance, the less respect your WW will have for you. For any relationship (this applies to professional, social, and marital relationships)to work, there must be mutual respect.

You have to get out of your position of low self-respect. If you don't have respect for yourself, how are others going to respect you? You need to work on this.

The base question you have to ask yourself is; 'Do I want to get out of infidelity?' If your answer is 'Yes', then you will need to take hard steps (start the 180, gain self-respect, get legal advice to possibly start the D process). If your answer is 'No', then I guess you are doing the right things now (i.e. pick-me dance, have a pity party, rug-sweep WW's A).

Please note that she is only doing things that are convenient to her (she is only moving back 4mths later as her lease expires), not because she wants to try and R. If she were truly remorseful and wants to works things out, she would have been back already, damn the lease. Her passwords and electronic devices would be open for you to see, and she would be begging you to let her know how she can help you.

She is only waiting for her lease to expire, because that gives her 4 more months to 'hang out' with the OM.

You are the only one that can make the final decision on what direction you want your life to go.

Thank you all for your feedback, I appreciate it very much. I've been told by friends, family, and C that only I will know when enough is enough. I know it's all on me, I can't wait for her to fix it, I don't know if she could fix everything

Still stuck in the pick me stage, working hard to 180, struggling

If "R" is what you desire then the "pick me" dance has exactly the opposite effect as you intend. It's your worst chance that you will get picked. The 180 is your best chance. Follow it, where applicable, like it's your religion.

Thank you cincy kid, I'm working on it and myself.

I'm working on it and myself.

That's good. DO NOT be the "nice guy" through all this. She'll lose any respect she might have left for you and nobody wants to be with someone they don't respect. You want her to respect you and subsequently want to stay with you? Then stop tolerating her horrific behavior. Take the lead of your family. Man up and be king of your castle and your queen will take her place at your side. Be weak in that role and she'll replace you with a new king.

Holdfastdad,

Your story and mine share many similarities. My now ex-wife was also an alcoholic, although in recovery.

You're the rock for your kids. You're the dedicated Dad, the still loving husband, the one who is holding fast. Try not to take all this personally. As you know from spending time on this board, her infidelity is not about you, it's about her. She has fallen apart. There have been external triggers, like losing her Dad, which strain the best of us. But ultimately you cannot make her behave like a grown-up, like a good parent and spouse. That's up to her. If she's failing at that, there's no amount of spousal amazingness that can change that.

I eventually called it quits, once she had shown me for the 127th time that she was not a trustworthy person. Ugly divorce and she's poisoning our daughter to blame me for not responding to Mom's "cry for help." WTF?

Only a heartless asshole wouldn't feel this pain deeply, so as painful as this is, it's the price we pay for having loving hearts.

I'm so sorry you're having to endure all this. Keep sharing.

Thank you for your words cheatee, moving and so true. You really get me and who I am