SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone, I’m so Glad I found this website. First of all I’d like to say thanks to everyone here for being there for each other during dark times. I wanted to say I don’t know how trivial my problems are as compared to marriages here but as an young adult, this relationship felt like a marriage. I’m new here so I’m still learning all the abbreviations.

I found out a few days ago, on Boxing Day that my partner of 6 years have cheated. Many times. Our relationship was on the rocks this year and he has managed to find comfort in someone else.

I found out whilst scrolling thru his phone when he was showering. Gave him a huge slap for the first time in my life. Long story short, there were lots of crying, lots of pain. Times he said or I said to end this but in the end we agreed to try again for another 3 months.

But he went to tell the OP that he knew it wasn’t going to work out. I felt betrayed. The way he has talked about it, to her and myself made each of us seem like we were the only persons on earth. He even had the cheek to buy her Xmas presents and they were still in their way to her (she recently migrated to US), he knew him and her weren’t going to work out so I was just a safe blanket I suppose.

Last night, he was talking to OP and she wanted to cut contact with him out of respect for him and I. But he went mad and blocked both of us. Kept saying how lonely he is and how broken he is and how everything he did was unfair to us. Maybe guilt has caught up to him?

It’s very raw pain now I’ve spent a good amount of years as I’m mid 20s and have been with him for 6 years. It’s so sad to see someone change into someone you don’t know at all.

I’ll appreciate all responses, and I thank you for your time.

The pain of betrayal isn't only reserved for marriages. I'm sorry you're going through this Elaine. As painful as this is, you do have advantages. Your youth and lack of legal marital status gives you options. As much as you may want to save this relationship, in order to move on you don't need thousands of dollars for an attorney, you don't have to worry about supporting yourself and feeding young children on a single income. You have the freedom of choices and that bodes very well for you.

Your partner is not only cheating on you, but he's refusing to end the behaviour. He's admitted to using you and he's fence sitting - refusing to commit to a clear path out of infidelity. Elaine - he's showing you who he is - you need to believe him. As long as he doesn't have to chose between you - he won't. Why does he get to decide anyway? There is nothing you can do to make your boyfriend be faithful. You can not force him to be honest. What you can control is you.

Right now, I'm sure you feel traumatized - your life is not what you thought it was. Your boyfriend's selfishness and lies has your life spiralling out of control. So take back control. Do you deserve this abuse? No! So refuse to accept it. Don't allow your cheating boyfriend to decide your fate. You choose your path. Decide you will not tolerate this disrespect.

Read up on the 180 here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/simplified-180.asp

The 180 will allow you to detach while you grow strong enough to make decisions that are best for you and your future. We have lots of other great articles in the healing library (yellow box above Dr.Phil) Read as much as you can - in the healing library but also the stories of strength from our members.

As much as this hurts right now, you are in an enviable position. You have your whole life in front of you. Do you really want to be saddled with a cheater? Do you want to be 45 with three kids and a mortgage when he does this again?

I should also mention the basics :

- STI testing

- drink water and eat what you can keep down

- get sleep, and if that's a struggle, visit your doctor for pharmaceutical help (short term help while you are processing this trauma - can't process while you're sleep deprived)

- keep posting and reading here while seeking real life support systems (individual counselling, family and/or friends)

- protect yourself, your boyfriend is behaving like an enemy. He is looking out for himself so you need to look out for you.

- show strength...tolerate no more of his sbuse and refuse to be his victim.

Welcome to SI, Elaine. You're going to hear a lot of advice to cut your losses and run. This is not because we are diminishing your pain. That pain and trauma is valid. It's that you have freedoms and opportunities that so many of us did not...the advice you'll hear is what we'd love to go back in time and give our younger selves while dating our one day wayward husbands. See your potential. You've been given a gift of foresight. Too many of us learned who our spouses were too late. Thank him for showing you who he is now...and RUN Elaine. RUN GIRL!

[This message edited by sassylee at 5:43 AM, December 31st (Sunday)]

I am so sorry for you. You received excellent advice so far.

Think about 10 years down the road when the next “issue” hits your BF. How will he react? Like this - by masking his unhappiness with another A or OW? Or will he DO something about it. Besides being a coward and blocking you. How selfish and immature is that behavior!

Whether you stay or go - your call. But you are young and I would like to give you some advice. As a friend. From someone older but not necessarily wiser who learned the hard way with kids and bills and mortgage and a H who was about to kick me to the curb.

Always have a back up plan. ALWAYS!!

Always have money in your own name - not a joint account.

Have a support network - friends and family and lawyer &/or counselor/therapist.

Always have a place to go if you have to leave your home or apartment. Friend or family or hotel etc.

Always have an established credit history in case to need to move or get a car or vehicle. Your credit score is used for everythng this including Insurance, housing and loans.

People change. Sometimes not in a good way. Domestic violence or addiction or cheating or drinking or whatever. I have seen people locked out of their homes and their cars taken (legally) by their spouse. Bank accounts drained leaving them with no $.

My H planned to D me after 25 years of a good marriage for a much younger model he knew less than 12 months. I had no $ and children and a house I could not afford.

I have since rectified that situation and protected myself. But you are young and I wish I had been smarter in some ways.

I wish you the best of luck. You will get past this. It takes time.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:39 AM, December 31st (Sunday)]

Agree with the others!! Sorry you find youreels here. You will be ok and you can find happiness. One word of caution, no more hitting.

Thank you everyone for your support and love. It’s a lonely new year’s day and I am trying my very best to not dwell in sadness. Thank you everyone again and I wish you all a great 2018 ahead.

Hi, Elaine, just want you to know that you will survive this.

You deserve a partner who is faithful to only you.

Take time to focus on you this new year. Find a hobby, volunteer, anything to get your mind off of this guy who is not worthy of you.

I agree with the others, run and never look back.