My wife and I had what I thought to be a pretty solid marriage. We were (are?) excellent communicators. When we were dating and married, we talked about how important it was to stay together and that our relationship was important to both of us. We also talked about the opposite sex quite a bit. I had a previous history of cheating and we wanted to be open about this and talk about attractions as they happened. We were both on-guard about proper boundaries and I felt comfortable talking to my wife when I felt like a boundary was being crossed (could be just a feeling or maybe I felt like I was getting too close to someone). This was just part of what was normal in our relationship. I felt like things between us were so solid because we were so aware of proper boundaries between men and women.
I’m going through my own personal crisis right now. My wife, of 5 years was/is having an EA/PA. The story goes like this: My wife moved out of state for a 1 year job, brought along our small children (1 and 3) and made a new life for herself while I stayed behind in Connecticut. We were fine, I mean, we were not perfect but things between us were decent. This was probably the toughest year of our relationship, but we maintained that we wanted to be together and that we would not let anything come between us.
There is another man that has been part of her life while she was away. He was part of the church she was attending and going through a divorce. I asked what is the situation with that relationship if she was maintaining proper boundaries etc. She said everything was fine and this was just a friendship.
On May 30th, 2017 she wrote me an email saying that how touched she was that I had done something for her and how much she loved me. A week later, she called me on the phone to tell me she just wasn’t sure about ‘us’, that maybe we had too many differences. Over the summer, she grew more distant. When we met up over the summer, she was clearly shaken, not sleeping well, crying easily etc. Other people noticed that her behaviour was out of character.
More distance on the phone: she waits for me to say “I love you” as if testing me. She talks about a spiritual awakening she is having. She is talking about making some big changes in her life. She is thinking about quitting careers (she had been training and working towards a professorship and finally got it) and going into something more religious based.
Now she comes back to Connecticut at the end of August with the kids. We are just not connecting quite right. I felt tension. We go out and talk a few times and she talks about a spiritual awakening and a rediscovery of music as a primarily passion. I’m nervous as I’m seeing signs of something. I put together a timeline of when things started to change. I zeroed in on two men.
Now I start to snoop. I unpacked her Ipad which was connected to her email account and took a look through her email real quick. I can’t stand snooping and I just searched for a couple keywords and then put the Ipad down. I felt the tension and pain inside of me and could not go into depth. A week or so later, I got up the courage and searched through the Ipad again. This time, I zeroed in on the man that she was friends with from her church. I found some communications that were very disturbing. She was writing poems for him, telling him intimate details and discussed a conversation they had where she discussed everything she didn’t like about our marriage. Something was up. But, I couldn’t believe that she slept with him, she was just so solid, reliable and committed to the marriage. I took pictures of the emails and sent them to a friend. We talked about the emails went back and forth on this. This whole thing, it just wasn’t her. She was so committed to me.
It was obvious from her messages with this man that she was having an EA. I wasn’t sure about physical at this point. I confronted her and she admitted it, the EA and the PA. I was in shock. I’m sure everyone says this, but she just wasn’t the type of person to do this. She had always been so committed to me, kind, dependable and honest.
Worse, was that she wasn’t sure she wanted to be in the marriage anymore. I said I just wanted to take some time and talk it over with her to figure this out. I told her that I was in the marriage 100% and didn’t want to lose her. I felt like she would eventually ‘snap out of it’. We agree to go to marriage counseling and try to work on things.
The next month or so is pretty rough. Sometimes she doesn't want to touch me. She seems put-off to talk to me. We have sex and that is still fine. But outside of that, there is no more touching, holding hands. Hugs are shunned. We talk and talk about the relationship and such. I said I wanted her to remove all contact with the OM and she agrees. She writes him an email and says she can’t talk to him.
In counseling, she wants me to change some things, so I work to change things. These changes are good and I make them. I’m better with the kids, I give her the emotional support she said she was missing. After that, our relationship is under attack, she says that maybe we just didn't have ‘joy’ in our relationship.
Maybe we were making progress. Then after a couple of months, I get into her phone and find a couple weeks of communication between her and the OM (mid October 2017). They were chatting through Viber and there is lots of talk about soulmates and love etc. I confront her and we have an argument. She says that she is now breaking things off with him (again). One thing about these viber chats, they give some indication of a future together. They are both longing to be together.
Things take a step backwards. I ask and she tells me that she refuses to give up hope of them being together someday. This man is a possibility. More time goes by and things are about the same.
All this time I’ve been trying really hard. I am the ‘super husband’. I buy flowers. The self help books on dealing with affairs (“not just friends” and “after the affair”) are a help I suppose. She reads some of the books and I think that helps, I guess.
More time goes by and it seems like we are just moving sideways. She talks about a seperation. When we talk about a divorce, I can tell she has already given it quite a bit of thought. I’m still in shock and having difficulty adjusting to the new reality. She is different, she is set on going to church and talks about her spiritual awakening. She mentions that she is considering that a spiritual connection is important in a relationship. This was never something we talked about and I’m not very spiritual.
Christmas is coming up and I need to travel to pickup my daughter from a previous marriage. We talk about plans for the trip and she indicates that she can make the trip and wants to stop by the city where the OM lives for a visit because she wants to ‘reconnect to the place as it was a transformation to her life’. I tell her ‘no way’. I thought maybe she was not thinking carefully about it when she asked me. I make the travel plans and then a couple of weeks later, when I tell her about my travel plans she mentions “remember I was thinking of taking your daughter back so that I could stop off and see the place where I used to live”. I basically tell her that she is welcome to, but then it would mean divorce as I’m not going to sit by and watch this happen. She mentions that visiting the OM is just part of her visit and that sex was not going to happen. I stand my ground. This was Dec 2017.
(My wife is also now very much into music. She sees this as something ‘core to her being’. I should mention that the OM was a musician who ‘understood her spiritually’ - how cliche!).
I’m panicky. I want her more than anything. I love her and my life without her would be very difficult for a number of reasons (I have a daughter from a previous marriage and my drive to work would make kid pickups difficult).
The counseling, individual therapy and much of what is on the internet on how to ‘handle affairs’ just doesn’t seem to quite get at the problem. Most of what is out there is on forgiveness and ‘working through the difficult feelings’. I can get past the affair, but I need my wife to get ‘back into the marriage’. In my case (and it seems like many folks out here), the ‘affair withdraw’ and affair in general are very present. My wife’s ambivalent state is not something that is covered on the resources I have. While my wife is (I think) not in contact with the OM, I still think the affair is very present.
Anyhow, I found a couple of websites that deal with this (including this one). When the ‘affair is still going on’ and how to deal with it’. I’m starting to change strategies. I told her recently that I was “not in the marriage 100% and that I also have a decision to make regarding the relationship”. I’m backing off the attention I was giving her. I’m working out at the gym. I’m trying to hang out more with friends. I’m back into my hobbies.
My wife:
Has regret for what she has done. She is sorry for hurting me and understands that she wronged me. At times it seems like she might come back into the marriage, she will say something that indicates she wants to come back, but more often when we talk about serious topics, she says she is not sure and talks about separating from me. She says she feels like she needs to be alone. She is having difficulty connecting with me.
My unanswered questions:
I’m sure everyone in my position has this same question, but here it goes anyway
Is it worth staying in the relationship?
What factors are important in determining if I should stay or go?
How long should I accept his in-between ambivalent state?
Can I do better? As a 45 year old man who would be divorced twice, can I expect to find someone just as good or better than my wife? It seems like the gender ratios are in my favor and there are a decent number of good single women in my age range. (I know this is a silly question, but I can’t help but put a lot of energy in this space).
Thanks for reading,
Equallycorrect
