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I am little over 3 years out from finding out about my WH's LTA. I feel like our past is divided into parts - pre-A, when things were "good"; during the A, when things were awful; and the time post-A, when I wanted to die.

There's a lightness to the pre-A memories. Like it was a more innocent time when I was hopeful about my M and our future. I thought we had a great life. During the A, I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't figure out what. I thought it was my fault that he seemed so distant and just plain miserable at times. When I think about that, I kick myself for carrying that blame. It was a time of great confusion and frustration. And I was angry that he didn't care when I told him how empty our M felt. Those memories feel heavy and dark. They make me physically uncomfortable. And then of course, there's the post-A period. It's been devastating. Everything from Nov 2014 until about 9 months ago is riddled with pain, depression, anxiety. I'm emerging from that, but every memory from the time of his LTA is tainted - every picture, every trip, every occasion, every song, every THING. It all feels like a lie. The A has touched every single aspect of my life. I don't think I'll ever be the same and I'm working on accepting that.

I wish I knew how to reconcile what I thought was real and what was real, but I don't. I guess it will come with time? Someone please tell me it will.

I look at pictures and see my family happy. It disgusts myself that I wasn't in the moment. Wondering when I would get the next fix of a text message while the family was enjoying what ever was going on. Figuring out how to sneak away. I know I wasn't happy waiting. I remember feeling shame and disgust in myself. I see my beautiful family posing with a weasel. I was the one that missed out and that is tough shit. The price I chose to pay to get a lousy text fix. I missed out on so much and it hurt. But I accept it and choose not to dwell on it. Now, I do my best to make it up. Do things over and be mindful.

At first, the memories, the photographs, the videos of that time were cute, simple mementos of our trip, of our friends and some exploration.

My DD was less than a month ago. All those videos and pictures now have a different context, and I see a contemptuous WW thinking of her AP and smiling only after talking to him on the phone. Yes, we have seen that video and WW confirmed that she was talking to AP. Her big smile in that next picture, after that conversation, takes a new, ominous meaning.

And there are many other situations like that, in which gorgeous little things that we were experiencing were really the crumbs that I was fed while WW experienced all those things with AP, and then repeated with DS and me, the BH.

But... These memories are of things that I have always cherished, and while WW's behavior has polluted *that* particular moment, the rest of the places and sights I enjoyed and showed my DS are real, are true, and are precious.

I do get triggered every time there is a mention of something WW did with AP, and I am for sure avoiding all things referring to her business trip and the place where it happened, but also, in the context, I am also finding solace and meaning in the things that I value, the things that I had known before WW came to see these as well as worthwhile and gorgeous.

I am reclaiming my own meaning and appreciation for those events places and memories that I consider precious.

I just finished reading The Book of Forgiving. It's meant for people who have been hurt yes but it's also for those of us who need forgiving. Part of the book that has resonated with me is he says when a relationship is damaged or destroyed the choices are renewal or release. Notice he didn't say "restore". He said you can never go back to the way things were. You can only build something new. Our old marriage is dead and the associated memories are forever tarnished.

Our marriage was built on lies so our "new" marriage started somewhere in 2013/2014 when BH was satisfied he had all the truth. He chose to stay to see if I'd repair this (the book says this is on me) and as always he still has the option to release me.

[This message edited by Root at 10:19 AM, February 5th (Monday)]

From my birthday (sep) of 16 thru D-Day in May of 17. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, and our anniversary. Hell, even watching the Superbowl this year was hard. My wife was basically not involved in our Christmas. I had to do all the shopping, it was miserable. I have a hard time looking back on any of the pictures, or any of those memories from that time frame.

Our relationship can be divided into 2 time periods. Before Dday and after Dday. We don't have a pre-A time as he was lying and betraying me from the very beginning. I don't have an exact timeline but feel certain his cheating ways stopped prior to our engagement and wedding. So any and all memories from our first year and a half together are all tainted. On Dday, I immediately gathered up all the mementos from that time and threw some away. Some were put in boxes and stored away in a closet. I wanted to give myself time to see how I would process this whole mess. We took several major trips together and had all sorts of adventures. Very little since then due to health reasons. Now 16 months past Dday, I feel I need to throw the rest away. Those memories are still tainted. I can't even think of those places we went without pain knowing he was with her physically or at least sexting with her either immediately before our trips or as soon as we returned.

My WW had a very short EA/PA 2 years into our M and 12 years into us being together. I suspected at the time and it's bugged me ever since. In fact it made me into an anxious wreck. 18 years and it got worse and worse until I begged her and she told me last sept. I was right all along although had no idea as to the extent of the A. she worked late every night for 4 years. Maybe she's still not telling me everything. I don't care any more, I'm gone. Agree with the above. The A killed the vows there and then. M over. She managed to put it in a box, take some remedy for guilt and move on. Expects me to do the same.

As to memories. Yes. I remember those from before that time and they feel glowing as somebody said above. Imagine living a life where you trusted your partner 100%. That must have been great. It was. The rest feels greyed out at the moment at least. I'm sure, in time I'll look back differently.

What I want to do is get the D over with and make some new memories. Some may even involve her but not as my wife.

I don't know how it will turn out, but right now every memory from the period of her A is tainted beyond repair. I actually get nauseous looking at pictures from Xmas, Thanksgiving, my best friend's wedding, 2 vacations... have a feeling she's going to ruin another big vacation when she comes clean with her timeline.

I've put all wedding photos in storage. Tonight is exactly 1 month from when I found out for sure... hopefully I can get these memories back. So sad and empty now though.

Some people move.

I've been regularly asking my WH when we can move back overseas. He keeps saying not yet. It's complicated.

I always tell my clients in the middle of a divorce to look ten years down the road. Do you see yourself in another relationship? Knowing what you know now, will that relationship be better than the one you just left? The overwhelming answer is that the fear lies in the leaving and restarting. Ten years down the road, the bases of those fears will be gone. Then the real process of rebuilding commences. I have been at this for 40 years. One year out, and most are starting to see that they are in a better place. Five years out, and they are either in new relationships or they are building a really great life. (One of my guys embarked on building wealth, made a shit-load of money. He was broke when his WW fucked her boss. She managed a raise out of that. Five years later, she is looking at a prospectus for her boss, and sees her ex-husband as one of the investors. She has access to credit reports, and runs one on her ex. She literally evacuated her bowels. When she left for greener pastures, she said that in her craven little heart, she wanted someone to lavish her with expensive gifts. Her boss gave her a raise. Whoopie. Her ex Husband, has a new, much hotter, younger girlfriend. The ex-wife saw the five carat diamond ring that he gave to the GF. Her first instinct was to see if her ex would date her again so that she could fuck him back into her life. He said that she is no longer his type. He does not want old used goods any longer.

BC my H cheated on me my entire first pregnancy those memories are tainted. I look back on things he did said etc and I think "ah, now it makes sense that he didn't want to stay in the hospital room with me bc he wanted to see her"

And it was such a joyful time in my life being pregnant I felt amazing. But him cheating makes me feel worthless. BC I found out so long after (12 years) I think of everything as a lie.

After my son was born I had horrible PPD and he was not supportive in the least. As a matter of fact he was awful. Now I think that was bc he was making me out as a horrible person bc of her.

I don't know. Its hard. I mean yes I did stray 12 years later but its such a short period of time for memories to be tainted. I know that doesn't change things but for me its our entire marriage.