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So i had posted previously about an old friend (from HS - 30 years ago) that i had reconnected with. I was conflicted about what was going on, because of many mixed messages i was receiving. We were texting numerous times each day (she initiated 90% of them) - with the exception of days she would be traveling to see her BF, who was currently living in another state due to work.

Last week she said something which made me think, and i took the weekend off to try and make sense of things. On Monday I told her that i was getting a lot of mixed messages from her, and it was messing with my mind. We ended up talking on the phone (which we did do from time to time, but we communicated more by text). Even though this was a good bye call, it was the most honest and raw conversation (emotionally) we had ever had. She told me she was firmly committed to her boyfriend, but then mentioned that she was so comfortable with me, and how much of a struggle it was when she couldn't reach out to me over the weekend. She mentioned how things were always different with me - she doesn't typically talk this much to people, and she can be open with me. She did acknowledge that she didn't view me as a brother - but she was committed to her BF. Then she mentioned that he has some of the same characteristics that i have..... She did mention that this was going to be tougher than when we grew apart 30 years ago, but she supported this, and thought i needed it.

We spoke for over 2 hours. I left the call positive - and hoping we could reconnect at some point. The next day, reality hit. I realized that we weren't going to be talking soon. To be honest, i felt sad and upset - like i lost something big. We had a brief text Tuesday, she told me it would get easier, she hated to see me unhappy, etc.

This morning, i realized that i needed to do something about it - so i made an appointment to see a therapist. I need to fix myself first, before i can figure out what to do - with my marriage, my life, etc.

When me and my friend were talking, she reached out to me for everything. Told me i was her sounding board. When she received a job offer she wasnt expecting, she texted me while i was on a work trip (8000 miles away) because she was hoping to talk to me about it. So i called her and we chatted. She told me about problems one of her kids were having, and how the kid (21 years old) was resistant to seeing a therapist, because of her ex's influence.

I mentioned to my friend this morning that i was going to see a therapist to clear my head. My friend got defensive - making clear she wasn't the reason for it. (I told her, it was for me not because of her or for her) also told me she is not feeling herself right now, and wants to still "be friends" but doesn't want to talk.

A couple of things

1. I understand that i initiated ending our chats, so i can't be surprised at this response.

2. Based on the tone of our "2 hour" good bye call, where she wanted keep up with me and my activities on FB, and told me it was up to me to reach out the next time (because we had a 30 year break); and asked me how old we would be in 30 years - i made the mistake of assuming differently....

3. I understand i also just turned what were lite and escapist conversations for her - into something heavy, and she can't handle that now.

I realize i left a lot out - since i posted about this relationship before - but i am wondering - does it get easier?

Thought?

Who cares about her. What is your problem with your marriage and you that you start a new relationship before the one you have is even over? Do you enjoy having this woman be codependent on you?

She told me she was firmly committed to her boyfriend, but then mentioned that she was so comfortable with me, and how much of a struggle it was when she couldn't reach out to me over the weekend. She mentioned how things were always different with me - she doesn't typically talk this much to people, and she can be open with me. She did acknowledge that she didn't view me as a brother - but she was committed to her BF. Then she mentioned that he has some of the same characteristics that i have..... She did mention that this was going to be tougher than when we grew apart 30 years ago, but she supported this, and thought i needed it.

I am going to call BS on this and say she is fishing. She keeps saying I am committed to my BF. BS. No she is not. She is talking to you and him. Because she is needy and wants so much attention.

If she truly is this BS "one that got away" she would be with you already and no BF would be in the picture.

This is about getting out of A and fixing yourself and maybe your marriage. This whole post was about fixing your relationship with a cheater? No. Just no man. Get your head out of your butt. What about your wife?

Not one post about the woman married to you that you don't deserve right now. The AP doesn't need to be with you. She needs to be enough for herself and learn to stand on her own two feet.

NC

Hi there SOMP,

Welcome back. I'm not going to address the details of your relationship with your affair partner. It doesn't matter. Repeat. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

You were here in July posting with similar level of detail about this relationship and wondering if it was inappropriate. The responses said YES. IT IS. YOU ARE IN AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR.

It's six months later, nothing has changed really and the response is still YOU ARE IN AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. Your obsessing about the details is rearranging deck furniture on the Titanic that is your marriage. Your relationship with this woman is the iceberg you've already hit and you seem to be unaware that the hull has been ruptured and you're taking on water.

Does your wife have any idea that you are investing so much time and emotional energy into this relationship?

If you haven't already read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, stat. If you have already read it, read it again because I don't think you absorbed the central tenets. I don't usually swing 2x4's but brother, you need one and hard.

Get yourself and your BS to a lifeboat. Let AP sink or swim on her own. She's not your concern.

SOMP

Three months later and you are back for round two of folks telling you the same thing. Your old HS friend says she is committed to her long term boyfriend, just as you should be committed to your wife. Texting everyday and sharing details of your lives is an emotional affair. Based on your post back in October you mentioned your marriage wasn’t in the greatest of places; work on that, not with your friend. Communicate with your spouse, and tell her about your “friend” to start the conversation you need to have. I would bet your wife knows about it, which may be part of the reason she doesn’t interact with you.

Good luck