SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello to those who may have the time to read what I suspect will be a very long post as well as my very 1st post... I’m not sure exactly where to start. So I guess I’ll start at the beginning that I wish I could say was 7 months ago or so but it really began 9.5 years ago...

so here goes nothing... I gave birth to our second baby 9.5 years ago and about 6-7 weeks later I went on his email that I set up for him looking for a bill and saw some email saying a payment couldn’t be processed so I thought I Best open it because I didn’t want any late bills or anything. But when I opened it I didn’t recognize the company (now I know it was a cover name) because in the email I clicked on the link. It brought me to a website called desperate housewives dot com. Immediately I started panicking. So I hoped it was spam. It asked for an email & password so I entered his email and the password he used for everything else at the time, which was a password that no one could figure out on their own. It was a really weird one. So Once I entered it I was immediately in! He was paying to be a member on the site. The profile described him to a T! Eye and hair color. Education. Profession. And it said he was commuted but looking to play or something like that. Then I saw there was private messages and I clicked on it. Now not one confirmed he met with anyone. I suspect or at least to this day like to believe I caught it before anything happened. So I was completely shaken up and had a massive anxiety attack. My whole world just turned upside down at that moment. So I printed out everything from the site and drove to his work. Got him outside and into my car where I then put the papers on his lap and asked him why? He replied saying someone stole his card and he didn’t want to tell me cuz he knew I’d freak out. No admission of guilt. Just total denial. Nor was his Card reported stolen by him. Anyway he had to go back to work and that night nothing was said about it. I immediately put myself into therapy. It took me 6 months to sit him down to talk to him and tell him how hurt I was. He never said a word. No admission of guilt. No apologies. Nothing. Then he excused himself to use the bathroom. I sat and waited for him to comeback downstairs but after 15 minuets I went looking for him. He was gone. I called him and he said he was running late for work. So it was never brought up again. However things eemed to get better. We were happy and I was happy. I didn’t fear him cheating anymore. Everything just changed. Anyway a few months later he asked me to marry him. A year later we married. Slowly after that things started going downhill. His biggest issue with me was the lack of physical affection I showed him. Looking back I guess he was right but it wasn’t intentional. I never meant for him to feel I didn’t want him but I was a stay at home mom and as any mom reading this knows, caring for 2 little ones and maintaining a household is a full time 24/7 job in itself. I think I was also feeling alone at the time too. I am an emotional person. I feel deeply. I love deeply. I need affection. I need to be shown the little things to know I’m loved. Even a quick text saying I love you would make my week. So that also contributed to my lack of interest. This viscous cycle continued for years I guess. But then last year or no technically around December of 2015 I started having a bad feeling again. I think his lack of initiating sex threw red flags up. Idk. But I didn’t have evidence. So I let it go. Ignored my suspicions. Fast forward to June 2016 again I had such an overwhelming bad feeling so I decided to check our phone bill and the very 1st # I searched brought me to an advertisement for an escort (a prostitute). Then I started comparing bank withdraws to days these calls were made and days he claimed he worked late and so on. Before I knew it I had a compiled a list of numerous escorts. I even tried calling them with my # blocked but none answer the phone probably because I blocked my #. I wasn’t even mad at them. They’re just doing what they’ve chose to do for a living and although I think it’s awful it’s not my place to judge them. I just was going to ask them what they do for him or if he says anything about me & our marriage to them. Hell I would’ve paid them for the info. I wanted to know what they do exactly so maybe I could try harder to make him happy to he’d come home to me & not to them & then home. Anyway when he got home I couldn’t find it in me to speak up. I guess after the 1st experience 9+ years ago I have it in my head that there’s no point cuz he will deny it. I’m also PETRIFIED of the what if’s. Like what if he loves me but he’s not in love with me. Or something like that. So I know I haven’t been the best wife and since June I’ve worked really hard to be a better wife for him. I have dropped hints throughout the months and he’s incredibly smart so I have to believe he knows that I know or at least suspect I suspect. Oddly enough after I dropped those first few huge hints the day I found out the phone bill for the most part has been clear until I saw another one in late November I think. But I have also noticed his data usage has like quadrupled so I fear he’s using a messaging & calling app because they don’t show up on the bill. It only increases data. Our sex life has slightly changed as well. He seems to like things he didn’t before or different positions. Idk. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me? I’d do anything to make him happy. I love him so much. I know deep down this isn’t all my fault as he did try to tell me a few years ago he needed me to pay more attention to his needs and not always have to initiate sex. I wish I tried harder then. But again I also felt under appreciated and didn’t feel I was getting the affection I so badly long for and STILL long for. I’m doing everything I can to make him happy now. I’ve changed. I’ve been working so hard on trying to be better for him. But I still don’t get those little things I so badly need in return. He never tells me he loves me unless I say it first or if he’s leaving in the morning for work. He never kisses me and I don’t mean the peck kiss I get before he leaves in the morning for work either. I mean that super passionate kiss. God I miss that. I feel so lonely. I’d NEVER cheat though. Knowing he has hurts so badly. Every single day I panic and have anxiety wondering if he will be home on time. Then when he works on the weekend I always wonder if he’s really there a full day or not because I know from my research in the past he hasn’t been at work the whole day. So I sit here wondering where he is or what he’s doing. Maybe he’s at work. Maybe not. :( but I keep a smile on my face. I have to for my kids. I really just want to cry. I’m beyond stressed out. I also saw he called our old bank yesterday. I can’t understand why. Is he hiding something else from me? We are currently looking to buy a house too. So I’m really confused about this. I’m scared. I’m alone. I just want to fix this. I don’t want him to cheat on me. I’d forgive him if he’d stop.

Well I’ve rambled enough. I’m sorry this is so long. I probably didn’t even put everything I needed to here but it’s my first post. It’s long enough.

Thanks for listening.

~ Alexis13

I’m sorry this was so long. I can’t imagine anyone will actually read it. Thank you for letting me vent though.

I read it. First, There isn’t a damn thing wrong with you. There’s nothing you could have done to make him be faithful. It’s a flaw in his character, nothing more.

I’m a damn good looking woman, a fantastic wife and mother, hell of a cook, I keep a clean home, am educated, was always affectionate and blah, blah, blah. My husband still cheated. With hookers, coworkers, and random anonymous women on Craigslist. It’s him, not you.

STD test. I can’t express how important this is. Even if you don’t believe it’s necessary, it really is. Trust me, it really, really is.

See a lawyer. Even if you don’t plan to divorce it’s good to know where you stand.

POLYGRAPH. I wasted almost a year thinking my husband and I were solidly reconciling just to find out he’s been hiding details all along. If I could do anything differently, I’d have done it in the first week.

Go to the I can relate forum and check out the emotionless infidelity forum. We’re your tribe.

Finally, I’m so sorry you’re here. So very sorry.

Alexis,

So sorry you are here. A sad, scary reality for you to be facing.

Please know that there are a lot of really great people here who only want for you to get out of infidelity and get to a healthy place.

You aren't there currently. Your WH is sweeping all his behaviors under the rug and you are allowing him and not holding him accountable.

I’m doing everything I can to make him happy now.

Why? What is he doing to make YOU happy?

You can't play the "pick me" game and win. You will only continue to lose more of yourself.

Please get tested for STD's. God only knows what he has exposed you to. You need to protect your health for you and your precious children.

Start to document everything you have found. Dates, numbers, bank with drawls. Once you have it documented confront.

If you allow him to continue to treat you as option, he will. He has no reason to change because he there are no consequences.

Head up to the Healing Library in the upper left hand side. Read. A lot of great information there. Specifically look up "How to Confront".

You and your children deserve more.

(((hugs)))

Oh god thank you so much for reading and replying. I feel so alone. I want so badly to say something to him but I freeze all the time. I called his work a few hours ago and no one answered so I fear he got out quite a while ago. Normally on the weekdays he gets home around now so this time of day even on the weekend is extremely stressful to me. I’m anxiously awaiting his arrival home. Please, please come home soon. I can’t take this stress. :(

As for std testing - I did confide in our general practitioner doctor and I did get tested for hiv/aids which came back negative but I’m too scared to do the rest of the panel of testing and what’s the point if the behavior is still going on? Idk if that makes sense or not. I will eventually do the whole screening though.

I just feel like a total failure of a wife. I know I wasn’t always the best wife in the world because I wasn’t giving him the sexual attention he needed and point blank told me he needed - that’s my fault. I should’ve listened to him. Maybe I pushed him to this? But since I discovered all the #’s to different “escorts” back in June I have done a total 360. I do everything I can to show him how much I love him. I would kill to even get a text saying I love you Once in a while or a kiss for no reason. He never kisses me anymore not even during sex unless I do it first. I feel so messed up over all of this. I’m petrified of confronting him. He is good at turning things around so somehow I end up apologizing. So I just never argue with him. I just say I’m sorry every time I think I’ve even annoyed him. I’m very non confrontational. The thing is I use to be the 1st one to speak up when something upset me but when it comes to him, idk I just want him to be happy. I know that I’m not handling any of this right. I know what a mess I must sound like. I just want to know how to fix this. How do I get him to stop? What is so wrong with me? I am not bad looking at all. I’m a good mom and I think I’m a good wife especially now that I’m trying even harder than ever to make him happy. I guess it’s just my fault for not giving him enough sex before or not being good enough in bed for him. I’ve tried different ideas to try to spice things up over the last few months. Some he rejected. Some he tried. He said his medication is causing him to have issues with his “member” as he put it but how is that possible knowing what I know? It obviously works fine with other women or the “escorts” I should say. So it has to be me. I have tried everything. I mean from getting non invasive procedures done (Botox/fillers/lip injections) to looking into vaginal rejuvenation surgery. I even went and got myself sliced open and re-stitched up after my 2nd daughter was born and I found out about that website he was on. I had hoped that would help. I have spent easily 5 to 10 grand on makeup trying different looks to get his attention. I don’t have a perfect figure anymore because I started stress eating this past year and went from a size 3/4 to an 8 but I don’t think I’m that awful. I mean I know I need to lose the weight and I will but would that make him grossed out by me??

I know I sound so pathetic. Very, very, very deep down I do know this can’t be all my fault. I do know that. I just can’t bring myself to fully accept it yet though.

Well again thank you for listening. Time to keep pacing the floors as he’s 25 minuets late now and counting.... no call or text either, but that would be rare if he did bother to let me know he’ll be out late. Once in a blue moon he will text me but it’s rare. Uhg.

Sorry for rambling. I feel so pathetic sounding. :(

No, no, no, no! Nothing you've done or haven't done has anything to do with this. Your WH is a broken person and his cheating choices are all on him - not you.

As already suggested do a consult with a lawyer to find out your position as a single mom on your own. You need to know that to help with your strength in facing this.

And you must get all the std testing, you have no idea what he has been in contact with. Sorry. I can assure you there is little chance of judgement from any in the medical profession.

Copy, print,save ,whatever your evidence of all his calls to escorts. Hide it away.

Do not play the pick me game. He'll know he has the upper hand and keep you in this soul destroying place indefinitely.

Confront him and advise you can only stay if he agrees to marriage counselling (MC). Actually he needs individual counselling (IC) but may take him time to admit that and MC can lead him there. You need a starting point to get him out of infidelity, learning the full truth and deciding if you want reconciliation.

You can do this!

Thank you for your replies. Truly, it means so much to know I’m not alone.

I am really struggling with how to confront him. To be perfectly honest I don’t want to argue or fight with him. I only want the truth but he tends to get defensive, in my experience, if he doesn’t like the topic I’m asking him about, even as simple as what time did you get out of work, has made him sound defensive in the past. Not every time but I just know it won’t go over well, or I’m assuming anyway. The thing is that I really wish I could just say what I need to say, let him admit it and apologize and promise it will never happen again and I’d forgive him. I’m not saying I’d forget and be able to trust instantly because that’s earned but honestly it’s all I want. I don’t want to talk to an attorney. I just want my husband to talk to me. He doesn’t like talking about stuff though. He doesn’t tend to show tons of emotion. He has never said sorry to me for anything no matter how small. Wait I take that back one time while pregnant with our 2nd daughter he apologized for something small and then followed it by saying to remember this day because he will never say sorry again or something like that. It’s true Too. I’ve never heard I’m sorry since that day or before it.

But I do want to add he is an amazing dad and a hard working man. I do know he loves me. He’s not this bad terrible guy. He’s gone through some pretty difficult heartbreaking things himself prior to us even meeting. So, I’m not bashing him or anything. I’m just trying to figure out everything here and figure out what to say. We were just laying in bed together while watching tv and he was looking at more houses on his phone (we are house hunting) and I must’ve sighed 100 million times because I want to speak up so badly. But again my fears of the what if’s come into play and my fears of getting into an argument or him leaving or who knows what come to my mind so I panic and stay quiet. I’m also just hurting because I need so badly for an emotional connection and affection. I feel like it’s missing and I’m in dire need of it. I would not ever cheat to seek it out though because even the thought makes me cringe because I love my husband so much and he’s the one I need it from. Idk, maybe I can ask him if I could find a marriage counselor that can see us during a time that won’t interf with his work if he’d go with me. He does know I’m going through something right now and keep questioning him about if we are ok and asking him what’s wrong with me & so on so maybe I can use that for the reason. Make it about me needing to work through the insecurities I’m feeling about our relationship to get him to go. I think I’ll try to mention that tomorrow.

As for seeing an attorney as a couple of you have suggested, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that because I don’t want to leave him. I just want to fix things. I want to be happy and I want him to be happy and content with me. I’d feel like I’m plotting behind his back if I did that.

As for keeping notes about dates & times & so on. I sorta did but it’s a half ass attempt because it pains me to do it. Plus if I confront him I’d have to tell him I looked at the phone bill and googled #’s and I don’t want to break his sense of privacy and believe me when I tell you it’s been most uncomfortable for me to do it. I don’t feel right about it one bit. But back in June I felt I had to and I was right because the 1st 5 or 6 #’s we’re all escorts... prostitutes really though.

I also am worried he might have a secret bank account at a bank we stopped using years ago. We still have 2 inactive accounts there but I saw he called & spoke to the bank for 4 minutes yesterday. I called them today to enquirer about closing all our accounts and said (playing stupid) even the ones we may still have with only my name on it or just his. The banker replied that if we wanted to close out everything it would be best I bring him with me then because I can only close accounts we are both on so if there’s one only in his name which he can’t tell me then my husband would need to be there. So the way he replied made me feel like there is another account in only his name he’s using. :( but I could be jumping to conclusions and being paranoid too.

Anyway I best get back to bed before he falls asleep.

Thank you again for replying. Again I know I sound so pathetic and desperate Too probably but I don’t want to leave and I don’t want to lose him. I just want to fix things and don’t know how to even start a conversation with him to do it.

Goodnight and thank you so much for helping me through this. This resource already means so much to me. This is just going to take me time to work through. I hope to keep hearing from all of you....

s for keeping notes about dates & times & so on. I sorta did but it’s a half ass attempt because it pains me to do it. Plus if I confront him I’d have to tell him I looked at the phone bill and googled #’s and I don’t want to break his sense of privacy and believe me when I tell you it’s been most uncomfortable for me to do it. I don’t feel right about it one bit. But back in June I felt I had to and I was right because the 1st 5 or 6 #’s we’re all escorts... prostitutes really though.

Oh honey, he has LOST every right to "privacy". He has broken faith with you in every way. You need to really read up in the library. You are being abused through his infidelity. You need to get out of infidelity as fast as possible, this includes gathering evidence and confronting.

Please, let yourself get angry about this, indignant even. He has cheated with the lowest of the low. He has exposed you to disease and emotional pain. You need to take care of YOU.

You are making too many excuses for him. It is HIS problem and issue, not yours and not the marriage!

Please, please read in the healing library and keep posting here and asking questions. There is much experience here to guide you. And yes, we do read entire posts, we sympathize and we will answer and give you cyber hugs. You have friends here. Be prepared for TRUTHFUL answers and for people to try and open your eyes to what is really happening to you! This man is in the "fog" of infidelity. You do NOT need to work to keep him. Read up on what the "180" is in regards to being a betrayed spouse.

You are taking far too much responsibility for his cheating. You could have been the most perfect wife in the world and his brokenness would still have caused him to cheat. Really.

Hugs to you!

hi, Alexis—I read You sound so much like me, it’s uncanny. I, too, discovered info about escorts/strippers early in my marriage (but not early in the relationship, relatively speaking at that time), and rugswept only to discover–years later—that infidelity was ongoing. My ex escalated, but left it to me to discover things on my own (he NEVER admits anything; even with evidence in front of him, his inclination is to deny, hoping it will again result in my silence. Even when STDs entered the landscape, he stonewalled until he had NO choice but to admit to infidelity.

He escalated. He never was faithful—if he was, he was still planning and plotting. He vilified not only me, but also our kids in order to justify his behavior. (I learned the latter from recently discovered journals; in them, he viciously blamed our kids, describing them and their motives in ways that are kind-boggling. He viewed our very good, very normal kids—kids who sometimes bickered but were overall unusually nice to be around–as obstacles to his happiness, and described them as literally out to cause him trouble. If I look at pics my of kids the ages they were when he wrote these things, it makes me cry. I knew he vilified me, but not the degree. Had I known my sweet kindergarten son was being described as a master manipulator determined to drain all happiness from his father’s life—in a journal HE found—I would have left when that son was still in K, and spared both kids (and me!) untold harm.

But we were still faking it then. It was a “good” period, but even if not acting out sexually then (as much—and I don’t really know that he wasn’t), he was in wayward mindset, he was self-absorbed and, in hindsight, very difficult to live with.

You are walking on eggshells and avoiding confrontation on a level even deeper than I ever did. Denial and compartmentalization work during periods when you’re too emotionally fragile to confront, but they are not sustainable (emotionally). They’re far better suited for short-term use during crisis. They don’t allow you to address behaviors that MUST STOP if you are to have a real marriage.

If the notion of confronting, establishing boundaries, and sharing YOUR conditions for offering the gift of R is too daunting for you (and I suspect it may be, given the extent of the rugsweeping you’ve done), I’d recommend a VERY skilled IC to help bolster you as you prepare for this.

I chose an IC specializing in trauma. She is brain-centric; she focuses on the brain changes caused by trauma and provides tools for calming the storm in the mind. We did talk about ex (some), but that was not the crux of IC. Rather, I gathered tools.

Please stop having unprotected sex with this man. That includes oral—and I make that recommendation as a woman who suffered an orally-contracted STD for over a year (with pretty horrendous manifestation) before it was diagnosed and could be effectively treated–all because my WH “didn’t think of it” as specialist after specialist was unable to determine what was going on with me.

Do not resume unprotected sex until (a) you’ve been tested for STDs—and (b) you’re as certain as certain can be that your WH has been faithful for the duration of the test and retest period.

Until you’re ready to face the rest, please at least ensure his depravity does not kill you or make you ill. He is choosing sex with high-risk partners; you can’t afford to keep your head in the sand because you have kids who need you.

STD was my impetus to change. The willingness to lie to me, to protect himself even as I suffered? That changed everything

ETA: I strongly disagree with the recommendation for MC at this point. He is NOT emotionally safe, and needs IC before he will be. I wouldn’t set foot in an MC’s office with him. It would be emotional suicide, IMO.

[This message edited by solus sto at 1:55 AM, January 14th (Sunday)]

I could just cry from the support and words of wisdom and care you are all showing me. I have felt so alone with nowhere to turn for a long while now. I mean I do see a therapist myself. I’ve been seeing the same one since the week I found out he was paying to be a member of that desperate housewives dot com website over 9 years ago. She is very familiar with me and knows enough to know that odds are he will deny it even with evidence but there’s a part of me that’s hoping if I’m very kind & gentle and tell him I forgive him that maybe we can get through it and maybe he will admit it and we can move forward together. I know I sound crazy but that’s all I want. I know that my posts are going to sound like a broken record a lot too and I apologize in advance for that. I’m just all over the place at the moment. Idk some days I’m numb to it all and others it hits me like a ton of bricks. I still feel like something is wrong with me. I still feel like I pushed him to this to some extent. I should’ve listened when he told me a few years ago he felt unwanted because I never initiated sex. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him but our children were (and really still are) young and being a stay at home mom is a full time job. Plus I struggle with anxiety, ptsd & depression so when I have my lows I’m not exactly thinking about sex and like I previously said I just wanted affection and didn’t feel I was getting it then (or now). However I think he feels his way of showing his love and affection is by working and taking care of his family financially. I feel like that is just his way. But I’m craving affection in a serious way. I need him more than ever, especially now. I must figure out how to fix things.

Thank you again everyone. I hope eventually I’ll figure it all out and knowing I have somewhere to go means so much to me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Hi, Alexis. Reading your post makes me sad and angry.

Please stop doing cartwheels to make him happy.

Please get a full panel of STD testing done asap.

And PLEASE don't be fearful to confront him, he is cheating, lying, and putting your life at risk.

Find your anger.

Stop looking for your faults and take a HUGE look at his.

Please don't be in denial. This is serious.

It’s not that I’m not angry because I am but I also love him with all of my heart and soul and would do anything to fix things. I will get a full std panel test done soon. It took a lot for me to at least do the hiv/aids testing because I was/am so scared. I also know he hates condoms and idk if these “escorts” insist on using them. I remember reading one of their online profiles from one of the #’s I found where she had photos and reviews from some clients and one reviewer went into great detail about their session and mentioned he didn’t have to use protection as long as he pulled out. I was horrified by that. This whole situation sucks. I just want it to go away. I want everything to be ok. I love him so much and I’m just a wreck over this....

I must figure out how to fix things.

I just want to fix things

Alexis You can't fix these things. Your H needs fixing but you cannot do that. You are describing a very unhealthy, disrespectful, abusive partner. You are describing someone who sure does need to fix himself.

Alexis, you say you love this person. I wonder how any of us can truly, authentically love someone who is not lovable; who is violating our personhood.

Alexis, I think you would be very much helped if you can find a good IC who is experienced working with betrayal trauma victims. There are also support groups such as SANON and BAN that can make a huge difference.

You have put great energy and money into making yourself better for him; you need to redirect that energy and the money toward helping yourself toward the happiness and peace you say you want. Your H's ways are not giving you the happiness you deserve. He's giving you just the opposite so how about starting to turn your life around both for yourself and your little ones.

I have to correct what I said at first. I said you can't fix things. I was wrong. You can fix things--but with help and not in terms of fixing him or making yourself better for him--you can fix things for yourself.

I have been working on what I can control at the moment which is me and my actions. Especially since I am not quite ready to say something outright to him. As badly as I want to idk if I’m quite there yet. So I shall continue with my individual therapy and look into marriage counseling as well. Then hope he may be willing to go. Maybe that would be a place I’d feel more comfortable asking him about this stuff or confronting him. I just want to get to a place where I’m ok enough to say something. Instead I keep drowning my sorrows in shopping for more makeup, as stupid as it sounds, that seems to be my coping mechanism. I need to stop it though. I’m spending insane amounts of money on it hoping to look or feel good about myself and I don’t think the makeup is what’s going to really do that for me. I need to feel good inside and I guess I just don’t considering what’s been going on. Maybe today after we’re done looking at houses I can try to talk to him. Even if only a little bit. Idk. Like I keep saying I just feel so lost and I’m feeling such a need to feel loved and special and be shown affection. I just want to be happy. I just want my marriage to be ok. I want my husband to myself.

Marriage counseling will not fix his problems.

You cannot fix him.

You cannot control his actions.

What you can do is get yourself out of this painful, abusive mess.

Does your counselor know he is hiring escorts?

What would you advise a friend who was in the same situation? Certainly not sit back and do nothing.

Nothing changes unless you have the courage to change it.

Right now you are sharing your husband with countless other women, some of whom could be diseased passing it on to you.

Making yourself more attractive will not fix him.

Cooking his favorite meal will not fix him.

Having sex with him will not fix him.

He is a broken, conniving, manipulating individual. Please take off your rose-colored glasses and open your eyes to he truly is. I'm so sorry for your pain, we've all felt the pain of betrayal, but he has shown you repeatedly who he is, please believe him.

I have tried everything. I mean from getting non invasive procedures done (Botox/fillers/lip injections) to looking into vaginal rejuvenation surgery. I even went and got myself sliced open and re-stitched up after my 2nd daughter was born and I found out about that website he was on. I had hoped that would help. I have spent easily 5 to 10 grand on makeup trying different looks to get his attention. I don’t have a perfect figure anymore because I started stress eating this past year and went from a size 3/4 to an 8 but I don’t think I’m that awful. I mean I know I need to lose the weight and I will but would that make him grossed out by me?

^^^Please, please stop this behavior. You are better than this. You deserve someone who appreciates you for who you are on the inside.

My heart is breaking bc you would go to these extreme lengths just to get his attention.

It's not you, it's HIM.

[This message edited by annb at 8:11 AM, January 14th (Sunday)]

I know somewhere deep down you are all right that this is not my fault. But my love for him trumps everything. I would easily forgive him. I know I keep repeating myself. I know how I sound like a broken record and maybe if I keep posting here things will start to change with me.

Yes my therapist knows what I’m going through and feels that I should speak up but she also knows I’m not ready to yet. I so badly wanted to today. I came so close when I started telling him how I’ve always been able to speak my mind but with him I’m not like that and I started to tear up but before I could go into much detail he ended the conversation and left the room. Whether or not he knew where I may be headed with the conversation idk but it didn’t get further that that. Today we also found our dream home just to conclude we can’t afford it no matter how much we budget and he’s really unhappy about it. I feel like it’s my fault because I’m a stay at home mom and although I have my own small business it’s not exactly making money. I’ve tried to find a regular job but I have circumstances that make it difficult to do so. I feel so awful. It’s been a tough day. It started well but then idk now it’s just sheer silence in our bedroom. All I want is for him to hold me and say I love you. I hate feeling so alone. I hate knowing how much stress he is under. I feel like I’m holding him back from having a better life or something. I just wish I could contribute more or do more or fix everything so he’s happy. That’s all I want. My heart is just completely broken... well thank you for listening. Good night.

Alexis Have you told your therapist all the things you tell us here about how you want to fix things, the things you do in that effort? Have you told her about your continually purchasing make-up? Is your therapist working with you to understand why you love someone who is so violating you, your marriage and himself? You are describing a man who does not show respect and love for you. Does your therapist know that and is she working to help you? You say you want happiness but you are describing a person who seems not to care about your happiness.

You seem like a very sensitive and good person. I don't understand how you could feel love for someone who seems to be so unkind, uncaring and selfish. What are you actually gaining from this relationship? Not to answer me or any of us here on SI but to answer yourself.

But please no need to apologize for talking here with us. That is what SI is for. Please feel free to talk as much as you want. People here want to help.

Same therapist for 9 years? I think it may be time for another. 9 years should be enough to help you find your voice.

Alexis-

I am so sorry you find yourself in such a horrendous situation. There are many wise people here who can offer good advice. Its hard to take sometimes but it sounds like you are all alone in dealing with this. You are still clearly in shock and at that point its nearly impossible to think logically and rationally about what you need to do.

It may be hard to hear or believe, but if you keep doing what you are doing and trying to make him happy, he will keep doing what he is doing. It sounds lovely for him, a wife bending over backwards and no consequences to his actions.

Unless he genuinely believes you will leave him if he continues the behavior, he will not stop. When you are ready to confront him, he will deny and he will blame you and you will have to be ready to stand your ground and lay it out for him. You have to tell him you know what he is doing and it either stops immediately and he comes clean about it, or the marriage is over. It is too soon to offer to forgive him or to offer to reconcile. I dont want to overwhelm you and I know you desparately want to save your marriage, but unless you want to live in a marriage where you husband visits escorts, then you need to consider the possibility of getting out. On this board, they say something about having to be willing to leave the marriage if you want to save it. Its true. And if your husband wont stop what he is doing, you need to get out of the relationship for your physical and mental health.

When you are ready- please join us over on the "I can relate" forum thread about Emotionless Infidelity. We will be there to support you. A lot of us there are trying to reconcile with men who sound very similar to your husband.

You mention that you had your second baby – not son – so I’m assuming you have a daughter.

Do you two do a budget? Are you setting aside money for your kids education?

Try this: Suggest you two no longer save for their education and rather spend the money on yourselves. Point out that both kids can become escorts and pay their way through college selling their bodies to middle-aged men.

After all – their father is OK with purchasing these services so he should be OK with this kids providing them to others…

Or not…

Alexis – NOTHING will change unless YOU make it change.