SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am reading this forum for a while. Please advise me, what to do.

My life is upside down. Married for 16 years and have one 15yrs DD. About four months ago, I found my husband visit strip clubs and Asian massage parlors (AMP) every week. Before confronting him, I gathered more evidence and found one after another shocking things about him. He not only visit strip clubs but had numbers of 40-50 girls from clubs in his phone. He exchange texts for hours with them (I have phone records) and 1-2 minutes calls. During the period I know and he didn't know that I am checking on him, I found the days on which he texts/call those girls he also searched (or visited, I can't prove) some address on his phone (google maps). Those addresses always close (2-3 miles) to some strip clubs, some are home addresses and some are cheap bars or something. During that period he also visited AMP (pulled directions on his phone) and also make calls to AMP.

From list of numbers of club girls on his phone (he stored date when he met them first) I know he is doing this at least from August 2014. Now I think he is doing this or at least visiting strip clubs since we moved to USA (2003). Some of the girls look like his favorites, texted and called them frequently.

He always delete massages he exchanged with these girls and put numbers on auto-reject. But some of the massages (less than 1 percent) went to spam massages which I read. Most are sexual in content. But one massage says "Can I come to your home". He received that massage on the date when I and DD were not in country. I searched that number on google, that belongs to an area escort. During that period (Jan 2016) when I was out-of-country, he texted and called that girl number of times. That's mean that was not a random massage.

Now in nutshell, I strongly believes, he not only visiting strip clubs (never mentioned to me, as he know I will not tolerate this) and AMPs, but also meeting these girls outside clubs at their home/hotel/bars and also called an escort at my home when I was out-of-country.

Once I confronted him, he just accepted he visit clubs and rarely went to AMP, but never met these girls outside clubs (I don't believe that). He says our not so active sex life (we do sex once in a week) made him do that. I work full-time and do all house chores (cooking, dishwasher, laundry, grocery, taking care of DD). I am tired by end-of-day. He never helped me in house chores and taking care of our daughter.

Now he cries and asking for forgiveness, saying will never visit these places (I have no trust on his words now). Still blaming me for our not so fantastic sex life. He said sorry hundreds of times but I feel he is not remorseful.

I still love him but can't forgive him, he not only cheated once but doing this for years.

I want to divorce him, I am done with this marriage. But still confuse, please help me to make my decision.

Sorry for such a long post.

hugs!

I only have a minute to respond, but-

first, he's been using family funds for a very expensive personal habit. Try to save all your info to cloud or something similar because it might be important (if you divorce) to show how he's been spending money.

2. he blames your lack of sex life? Does that mean he admits to having sex with these women? Because if he's claiming these were just dances/massages/etc with no sex, I don't see how that would help all his built up sexual tension.

3. if he frequents these establishments that much, he has an account on tuscl, a message board where men boast to each other and post details of their paid sexual encounters. It's revolting. Pull that site up and see if you can log in with his email. Save anything you find.

Take care of yourself! Nobody wants to go straight to "I need to prepare for divorce" but you really do.

Hurtinfinity, welcome. I'm glad that you found us for support, although I can never be glad that your WH (Wayward Husband, one who cheats) has given you the reason to come find us.

You have all of the proof you need. You've seen it with your eyes. Women who have sex for money do not waste their time just chatting with men for the pleasure of chat. Their goal is to get money from the men and that means meeting up and having sex. I have a feeling that if you take a good, hard look at your financial records, you're going to see a steady withdrawal of cash for the entire time that you've been married, with no receipts as to what it was used for.

That's money that is a marital asset. In other words, he used money that belonged to YOU and to your DD, to seek sex with strangers. He literally took food out of your mouths, shelter from you, clothing for your DD, financial security, away from you and your DD so he could have sex with others. All the time, while you worked full time and did everything in the house for him and for your DD. He treated you like a not very well paid servant, while he did whatever he wanted. And blamed you for driving him to it.

Your WH is a completely common cheater. There is no special to him at all. He's just a common serial cheater, with no morals, who is completely self-absorbed in himself and only himself.

Now he cries and asking for forgiveness, saying will never visit these places (I have no trust on his words now). Still blaming me for our not so fantastic sex life. He said sorry hundreds of times but I feel he is not remorseful.

Well, of course he cries, lies, and blames you! He's in a panic! He is facing having to actually own up his decision to squander your money on hookers. He is facing having you to not be there to tend to his every need. For 16 years, he's been able to not worry about anything except the next hooker, because you've shouldered all of the burdens. That's a pretty sweet deal for him. No wonder he's in a panic. But, you notice, it's still all YOUR fault, according to him. And you are utterly correct to not trust what a liar says. Because he's still lying to you. He regrets that he got caught and will say anything it takes to get you to back to overseeing his lifestyle, so he can get back to his hookers as quickly as possible. Listen to your gut, your feelings. They are very correct.

Since you've been reading in the forum for a while, I hope that you've read The Healing Library. If not, please do so (link is in the yellow box in the upper left corner). You really need to try to detach as much as possible from your WH to figure out exactly what you need and deserve. I strongly suggest that you see a lawyer to find out exactly what you can expect from child support, potential spousal support, and asset split should you divorce. I have to say, I support your statement that you're done with this marriage, however you don't need to make a final decision right this very instant. What you do need to do, is to take care of yourself so you can take care of your daughter. You also need to make an appointment with your doctor, tell them that your husband has been repeatedly unfaithful, and ask for a full series of STD/HIV tests. Your WH has put your life at risk with his risky sexual encounters. Protect yourself by seeing your doctor.

This is a whole lot, I know. And it's completely unfair that, while you're reeling from this trauma, that you have to deal with all of these things. But remember, your WH did this. It was his decision, his choice, over and over again, to be unfaithful to you. Those decisions, choices, are all 100% on him. All. His infidelity was NOT your fault. It's his.

NO SOLICITING

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:41 PM, January 16th (Tuesday)]

^^^ SCAM SPAM WARNING ^^^

Stacy is posting same thing everywhere.

I want to divorce him, I am done with this marriage. But still confuse, please help me to make my decision.

We cannot tell you what to decide but can tell how we've done various things ourselves.

Definitely save the evidence somewhere he cannot get to. You need this if anything for your sanity.

If you're set on divorce, are you wanting assets out of the marriage? The state/country of your residence makes a BIG difference. Are you wanting an "at fault" divorce using adultery as the reason or just a mutual separation. Each one of these can impact alimony and other aspects of the separation. Depending on his habit, it could also impact custody.

I'm going to step back and respond a little differently. What you are going through is perfectly normal and whatever you decide, stay or leave him, we all support you. Betrayal is one of the worst pain a person can endure and especially spread over many years. You get the feeling you don't really know the person. How could they have hidden this, what else is there? Can I trust him around my daughter?

Your emotions are going to be on a wild roller-coaster ride. One minute you are calm and the next you want to knock a building over. One minute you hate his guts and then the next you're having passionate sex with him. The extremes of emotions and the wild ride is normal.

His responses unfortunately are pretty typical of a cheater getting caught. They may only admit to what they think they have to admit to. They try to minimize and blame. Most will blameshift and outright lie and try to convince you that you're crazy. Don't ever tell him where you get your evidence from. He'll delete and cover his tracks more.

His response to you about blaming you because the sex isn't as good... he's right. No monogamous healthy sex act can take the place of the forbidden fruit, the taboo, the dirty deed. You mix adrenaline with sex and it creates a chemical concoction that no marriage can meet. He'll convince himself that he's lost that connection with you because they make him feel so much better. That is one of the lies of infidelity and why he's going to so many... he's trying to replace that feeling and as he gets more used to a particular person, he'll get bored with them too and move to the next.

Either way, whether you stay or leave is that it has to stop and you have to be the one to set the boundaries. You cannot continue to be "the backup sex object" in this relationship. You are his wife and you demand to be the first place and only place.

Alot will need to change specifically with accountability. He needs to change his phone number, email address, shut down social media and any form of account he used to engage in this terrible behavior. He needs to let you have full remote access to his phone calls, texts, chats, emails, photos, GPS location, keystrokes.. all electronic access and you need the user names and passwords for all of it. You need to be the one to shutdown his illicit accounts using a password he definitely doesn't know. Change the email address on the accounts to something he has no access to so he cannot change the password. He needs to call/text you anytime he changes location. You need to take control or full access to all finances. You need to know down to the penny what is being spent.

You need to get tested for STDs. Depending on how close your family is with sharing utensils, towels etc, your daughter may need to get tested too. Your husband didn't just cheat with the average cheater, he's paying for services. Aside from male/male relationships, prostitutes have the highest chance of catching diseases.

So sorry you are here, we're here to help and we know exactly what you're going through. You can make it... it may take 2-5 years to come out on the other side but you can do it.

Thank you all!!!

I am reading your comments and try to process your suggestions. Now a days it takes really long to me to understand things and even to do our day to day work. Thanks again.

I want to divorce him, I am done with this marriage. But still confuse, please help me to make my decision.

SMARTEST DECISION EVER.

Aside from this guy being a complete failure as a husband, a father, and a human being, he just brings NOTHING to your life.

Nothing.

Why on earth anyone would try to persuade you into staying with someone this low - whose been acting like a dog in heat since 2003 - is just beyond me.

Of course he doesn't want a divorce. He NEEDS your income to pay the household bills so he can use HIS paycheck to finance his pig activities. Plus, if you divorce him, who'll clean his house, do his laundry, cook his meals, do the food shopping, and keep everyone's life in order while he's out having his fun? Of COURSE he doesn't want a divorce - he needs his housemaid, cook and laundress. He's honestly disgusting.

Please see a lawyer.

Today.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 7:04 AM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

Before I share my insight, can I ask if he was financially dependent on you?

to SHARINGEXPERIENC,

no he makes lot more than me.

@lostandbound,

if he frequents these establishments that much, he has an account on tuscl, a message

board where men boast to each other and post details of their paid sexual encounters.

I tried to find his account using his personal and work email but not successful. He must be using secret email like the names he used to store club girls numbers.

He makes lot of money in cash therefore hard to trace money he used on hookers in financials.

@Skan

Since you've been reading in the forum for a while, I hope that you've read The Healing

Library.

Yes I am reading the Healing Library but doing 180 is very difficult. I still love him but at the same time hate him and feel very disrespected.

You also need to make an

appointment with your doctor, tell them that your husband has been repeatedly unfaithful,

and ask for a full series of STD/HIV tests.

I did and all are negative for now.

@H3LLO

His response to you about blaming you because the sex isn't as good... he's right. No

monogamous healthy sex act can take the place of the forbidden fruit, the taboo, the dirty

deed. You mix adrenaline with sex and it creates a chemical concoction that no marriage

can meet.

Thank you for making me understand that what he meant by "sex we had was not fantastic"

@NoMercy

Please see a lawyer.

I retain a lawyer, but really scared for this big change in my life.

Thanks everyone, talking to all is very supportive.

Hello. First I want to applaud you for your strength and obvious composure you've exhibited while gathering detailed evidence on your husband infidelities. I know my emotional exterior would have cracked on day one. Counseling is a great way to zero in on why he would want to risk years of marriage for destructive outside relationships, when he has a wife of 16 years at home. I hope everything works out.

I want to applaud you for your strength and obvious composure you've exhibited while gathering detailed evidence on your husband infidelities. I know my emotional exterior would have cracked on day one.

Yes, those were worst days of my life. I cried and cried and cried whenever he was not around me. I burst into tears during meetings, during lecture and during gatherings. Everyone noticed there is something going wrong with me. Doctor prescribed me depression and sleep medicines. I lost so much weight in those five weeks. But he never noticed that, he was not able to see any pain in my eyes, never asked "are you OK" like others.

In past also I received some glimpse of his strip clubs/massage parlor trips, but whenever I asked he denied upfront and got so angry that how I can think that about him. At the end, I had to apologize.

This time something told be not to confront immediately, I will say God helped me to opened my eyes.

I am hurting due to his cheating as well as his failure to feel my pain. I had no existence for him until I confronted him with all evidences. Now suddenly he had love for me, I am everything to him. But I know these are just words not a reality. I am tired of being treated like a doormat.

It's been 5 months I know about H cheating in a most disgusting way. Why still I am not able to come out of this. It's still hurt so much. Hard to focus on anything. I just want to forget everything for a while, I am tired of thinking why he did that.

I am feeling very sad from inside. Just want to hear from you all. Really appreciate any comments and suggestions. Thanks a ton for your time

Hi hurtinfinity

I just wanted to reach out and let you know that you are going to be OK! My STBXH also had/has issues with stippers and escorts. Yes - he had numbers in in phone for them and also emailed them (on company email that I have access to!) So I got to read all the details. He also had accounts on several strip club/stripper comparison/rating websites. There are more than just tuscl. And yes, outside the club hookups took place.

Please know that what he is doing is NOT a reflection on you. I cant tell you what to do, divorce or not, but I can tell you the choice I made and why.

I chose the path of divorce. When married men spend community funds on these women, it is stealing. He stole from me, they stole from me. These women don't give a flying fuck about your husband or any other man. The stripper mantra is " #fuckyoupayme ". Google it and you'll see what I mean. When I first started realizing what was occurring, I too was devastated. How could I compete with them? I felt so sexless and irrelevant and empty. Slowly I realized, WHY would I want to compete with them?? I refused to allow someone to continue to steal from me. Steal my money, steal my self esteem, steal my health, steal my time, steal my future. I am done with him and them and I'm in such a much better place emotionally and financially. Easy? NO Worth it? YES

I second NoMercy's comment:

I want to divorce him, I am done with this marriage. But still confuse, please help me to make my decision.

SMARTEST DECISION EVER.

Please ask yourself if you want to continue to feel like a doormat? Please if you have any questions, I am happy to answer anything - I carry no guilt or shame for his actions. All of us here have been forced to eat the shit sandwich but I think that those of us that deal with the stripper/escort problem face the unique challenges of the seedy underworld they thrive in.

Why it hurt so much all the time. Why he did that? We made up our life, carriers, assets in new country. How he can put everything on stake for his selfishness. We are still not US citizens, he could be deported for prostitution. It's not only cheating with me or our marriage, he put DD life on stake too. How he can do that?

It DOES hurt but I can promise you that some day it won't hurt so much. I was devastated and now I am in a much better place. My STBXH put EVERYTHING at stake for his selfishness, too. He put my life in jeopardy, he put our son's life in jeopardy. I received threats - Literally feared for my safety and the safety of my son at times.

My first thoughts were about the pain of him cheating on me. Of course, that's how we all feel. It became more painful to know just how much he jeopardized the safety of both my son and I. It made me understand that there no chance I was going to stay in this marriage to this utterly selfish person that I no longer knew.

I stopped asking why or how. Why did he do this? How can he do this? These questions no longer matter to me. I will never know the answers nor do I care. He did what he did and it had NOTHING to do with me.

Thank you @stopspinning for talking with me.

Now he say I should not divorce for our DD.That will have negative effect on her in understanding relationships. But I don't want to show her false relationships. She needs to learn it's never acceptable someone not treat you well.

hurtinfinity

But I don't want to show her false relationships. She needs to learn it's never acceptable someone not treat you well.

YES! Your DD needs to see that this is not acceptable behavior. He wants to continue to be the same Dad in her eyes. Not possible. He is responsible for the consequences of his actions, not you. As a mom, I know what it's like to want to protect our children regardless of how old they are. But what would he want her to be protected from? He says it will have a negative effect on her understanding relationships? What he's done should not happen in a "normal" relationship. She needs to know what a normal relationship is so that in 5 -10 - 15 years, the odds of her joining this forum are less.

I also would like to add onto my earlier post about asking the question of why and how. You will never know unless your spouse is able to answer those questions. He will never be able to answer those questions without counseling. Focusing on why or how HE did something will take the focus off YOU. You are what matters here. Focus on yourself and your DD.

Edited for typos AGAIN

[This message edited by StopSpinning at 12:33 PM, January 19th (Friday)]