SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My otherwise normal husband of 15 years paid strippers from July 2017 to December 2017 (six months) to pleasure him. He somehow feels that telling me he wore a condom while she did things to him will make me feel better. He says they never had intercourse. I don't know why, but that part I believe.

I'm beside myself. I learned this all just a few days ago.

We have no children, certainly not a perfect marriage, but while I was at work and thought he was too, he needed to escape the stress of work to pay a woman to "release" him.

I am devastated. I feel trapped and alone. I'm humiliated and heart-broken. I just don't know what to think. He never would have told me, but I asked him about all the cash withdrawls from our account over the last few months.

I don't know what to do. I've talked to a trusted friend and my parents, but I just don't know what to do.

I read through all the posts here and everyone else seems far more eloquent than me. Perhaps I'm still in shock.

I don't even know what I am asking for here...just support I guess. Someone to tell me that this happened to them and that they survived this anguish and heartache.

You will survive I promise.

What has your husband said about this?

Is he showing remorse or doing anything to help you with this?

I'm sorry I'm not very good at giving advice I just want you to know you are not alone.

(((hugs)))

Come over to the Emotionless Infidelity thread in the I Can Relate forum. Many others in very similar situations as you are in. It's a very supportive group!

djtanner Hi. You are not alone. There is a group here on SI for those of us whose partners/spouses betrayed in ways similar to yours--it's the EI-Emotionless Infidelity group in the ICR I Can Relate Forum.

There you will find many others who are dealing with what you are now. I learned 2.5 years ago that my H of 35 years had spent the past 10 visiting massage parlors twice weekly. You're "lucky" to have found out way sooner.

Like you I found out by seeing the cash withdrawals. Along with all other horrible emotions, thoughts, I felt really stupid. In all those many years I had never noticed the cash withdrawals. And then bingo, months before he was to retire . . .

So yes, you are in shock; learning this, finding out is traumatic. It is humiliating. It is disgusting. It is shocking.

Like your H, mine always did it work days. Never missed a beat at home. Like yours, mine said it was just about escaping from work. Then it became a habit.

So what to do? Be sure to be tested for STDs; be sure that he is tested too. He may say he had no intercourse and that is very possible. I believe mine did not. But testing is a must no matter. First we can't really "know" for sure what they did and second there are other ways to get disease. Less likely but possible so get that out off the way. It may even feel a bit of relief.

Find a good IC for yourself; someone who is experienced and well trained in betrayal trauma. Your H should be working with an IC as well. There are many ways for people to deal with stress. Our H's found a very unhealthy way. Their way violated us; their way violated our relationship. They need to examine themselves; they need to understand how demented, how damaging, how sick their choice was and they need to work to change.

There are several support groups that may help you regain balance. I regularly attend an SANON group and try as often as possible to attend a BAN group. These are marvelous IRL groups of people dealing with similar if not identical problems. It's great that you have found SI; it's been a life saver for me and for many, many others. SI is a great part of the team you will need to deal with your new life--the new reality.

Check out the resources from the Healing Library (upper right hand corner in Yellow box). There is much free and useful material.

You must tend to your basic health. Eating and sleeping properly is a must and can be very hard during this time. If you are not getting proper rest and nutrition then try mindfulness exercises, OTC sleep aids. if that doesn't work, speak with your PCP. We need all of our strength to deal with this.

It's highly recommended to try not to think about whether to stay or go; R or S or D. It's too much of a burden right now. Think about all to do to just work out of the stage of shock. Again, that is where a good IC can really help.

Your H should be ready and willing to answer all your questions and you may have the same ones over and over. We usually do. "What was wrong with me?" "why wasn't I enough? "How could you" "Why didn't you just leave?" and so on. Then there's the anger; the disgust. Anger over the betrayal--the money spent-the deception.

Ah, the deception, the double life. How weird, how sick. But again, you are not alone.

So please feel free to ask for any support here; check out the EI group. You will be ok. it will feel less crazy in time. You are not alone.

Oh my gosh, I'm overwhelmed with your kindness and compassion. Thank you everyone for sharing with me. I will visit the other suggested board.

I need to re-read what everyone has written, because these words are exactly what I need to hear. They make me feel safe.

Such a silly practical question, but how do I respond to an individual post?

Thank you again for embracing me and making me feel less alone in this.

You don't respond to individual posts. This is a straight-line-thread sort of board. Once you get up to 50 posts you can PM (Personal Message) individual members. Don't go around just dropping a bunch of "Hi" posts in random threads to get to 50, though, that is frowned upon by the moderators.

Be sure and read the guidelines. They're easily available and a few people accidentally violate them by posting links without moderator approval and then feel hurt because they get warned. There are a very few more, and they're well-considered and applied equally.

I'm sorry that you found yourself in need of this sort of place and glad that you found it. Betrayal is betrayal, read in The Healing Library in the yellow box, upper left.

It sounds like you're still processing the magnitude of it all.

I do not frequent strip clubs since I've been married, but roughly about once a year I find myself in one due to things like bachelor parties, out of town business trips where I'm just going with the flow, and I went to one on DDay as an act of rebellion (or something, my head wasn't on straight). My wife's rule on strip clubs has always been look but don't touch, and no lap dances, which I have always abided by (even after DDay, when I found out she'd been giving lap dances of her own). When I was in my early-mid 20s, however, I was obsessed and went about once a month. That was back in the day when full nude strip clubs were a common thing; now they're not.

The myth is that the male patron must keep his hands to himself at all times while interacting with the stripper, and that they are only there to dance for you. The reality is that once you're in a private VIP room, you can pretty much touch anything you want (usually anything a thong covers is off limits, but not always). More often than not, they will grab your hands and put them on their body. I have been offered HJs/BJs right there inside the club. I have also had strippers give me their phone number / Facebook info, and offer to set up an "Out of the club" dance, either at home or in a hotel. I never took any of them up on these offers. But if you're a decent looking guy who appears to have money, you can pretty much walk into a strip club and get anything you want. Strip clubs can be fun if you're just there to enjoy some adult entertainment, tip the dancers and have a good time with your buddies. But I've seen lots of people become addicted to it and spend a lot of money.

I would first of all BAN him from strip clubs... he obviously can't control himself while he's at one. The only reason why my wife doesn't mind the annual visit for me is because I always behave myself, and she can go check the security cameras if she wants. But if he's blowing through a lot of marital money to buy sexual favors at a strip club, he clearly has issues. If nothing else, you need to tell him that if he visits a strip club anymore, that you will leave. And you have to mean that. Tell him it's a deal breaker. If he goes again, then break the deal.

Thank you for this information Fender. He's stopped going, thank goodness. He promises he won't return and I guess time will tell. I don't know what will happen to us as a couple. I'm of the mindset, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." but now that it's happened to me, I'm not sure it's quite so black and white.

He did indeed go in those "back rooms". He said they were a bunch of cubicles basically where you pay for things. He was offered sex and turned it down, "because he was married". I can't wrap my mind around how a man says that out loud to a prostitute and still proceeds with the other favors.

He says he initially went to the clubs to escape the stress of work. He'd go in the afternoon 2-3 times a week. He didn't even know they offered these favors until one girl suggested it and then I guess the rest is history. My goodness, that's a gut-wrenching sentence to type.

Yeah, I can't imagine saying "I can't have sex with you, I'm married... but a BJ will be okay!" Not all strip clubs are like that, and things have definitely changed since 2004-2006, when I was in my strip club heyday. Back then, there were minimal restrictions, and a lot more stuff went down. I once had 2 girls tell me and my friend that if we paid them $200 each, we could go to the VIP room and watch them have lesbian sex for half an hour, and that we could have "full contact" with them while they did it. I declined, but my friend was ready to withdraw $400 from the ATM and go watch h himself. I had to talk him down, and get him the hell out of there! Another friend I know blew over $1,000 on one stripper... he had problems.

Side note, a BJ with a condom wouldn't be worth any amount of money anyway... WTF? I understand the stripper was trying to "protect herself", but why would any guy pay for that? I don't have the world's greatest stamina, but it'd take me all night to get off from a BJ with a condom, if at all. Especially from some random skank.

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:43 PM, June 5th (Tuesday)]

I suppose some men might delude themselves into thinking a handjob or oral sex doesn't count as infidelity (infidelity lite?). I wouldn't take his word on it. Cheaters lie and downplay what happened.

He doesn't need a stripper to "release" him. He can release himself. Or you can help with that. I don't understand how getting favors from strippers is less stressful than lying to you and covering it up.

Please get to your doctor for STD testing. It's likely you don't know the whole story. He probably had sexual intercourse with them. There may have been other women at other times in your marriage that you don't know about.

dj You asked how to respond to an individual post.

I didn't take that to mean how to do a PM (private message) but how to respond here.

On the left of the posting box are three style boxes: bold, italic, quote.

What we typically do if we want to respond to an individual, as I have just now to yours, is to type in the name of the person, then select that name and then press bold. You can see if it's what you want by clicking "Preview" below the response box.

If instead you were asking about PMing, I believe you have to have posted 50 times before you can PM but I believe we can PM you.

Thanks again to everyone for your support.

I just don't get how a man does this. I was a good wife to him. I'm attractive (or so I'm told). I'm loyal, kind, thoughtful.

We didn't have a lot of sex because he said he didn't really have much of a drive anymore and I'm 45 and trying to navigate the un-sexy world of peri-menopause. But we were very affectionate, loving and I thought...good to each other.

What drives a man to go to an effing strip club 2-3 times a week for six months and pay for hand/blow jobs.

If someone could just tell me this...I'd feel a heck of a lot better, because he sure as hell can't explain it.

dj It's going to sound trite and annoying, it's going to sound insulting and maddening but what he did had little to do with you. What my H did had little to do with me. It's not about our looks or ways or whether we were good to them or not.

They were not thinking about us or the relationship when they chose what they did. The sex industry, the sex trade is huge; a multi-billion dollar business. It offers what some men like. Doesn't mean your H will always like it and it's not true that once a cheater always and everyone a cheater. Different people act in different ways.

I doubt my H would do what he did again but who knows? There's no guarantee in life. I do know that he went and that that is what he wanted and liked to do at the same time that he wanted a fuller life with me.

Your H did what he did because he wanted to, had the opportunity, assume you wouldn't find out; assumed no one would be hurt. At least I think that's how they think.

I was also, still am, extremely disgusted and disillusioned that my H could exploit women as he did; that he could enjoy an activity he knew the women hated. He just didn't care. He like the activity and yes, it was a daytime escape from work.

Dj come join us in the EI forum. I think you'll find a somewhat different group. We make no assertions or assumptions about each other's Hs accept to acknowledge each other's feelings.

We're not judgmental and we have no crystal ball and no special powers of knowing what someone else H did or did not do. We simply try to help each other, give support, give encouragement.

We understand your shock. Many of our H's were people we'd never imagine doing the things they did. Many of our H's are very remorseful and trying to change.

Marji,

Thank you so much for your reply and for sharing your wisdom and thoughts. I really appreciate it. I think you're so right on every point.

I'll head over to the other board...thank you for the warm welcome.

A MAN doesn't do this.

A MAN doesn't leave his wife at home to blow loads of the family dough on a prostitute disguised as a stripper. An entitled, spoiled, selfish boy does that.

Your h, like all cheaters, is broken inside. He needs to fix what's broken to be a safe partner for you (or someone else if you toss him out).

[This message edited by william at 10:53 AM, January 28th (Sunday)]

William

I'm of this mindset too.

"How could you?" is the phrase I keep repeating and as for the mental images...I just can't get them out of my head.

I’m so very sorry. I learned the same about my husband, and it was shattering.

Very gently, please understand that the likelihood of intercourse is astronomical; it is exceptionally rare for a condom to be worn for that —and almost unheard-of for any other sex act (oral or manual). It’s also exceedingly rare for a new WS to tell the whole truth.

It doesn’t really matter, though; sexual infidelity is sexual infidelity, and regardless of which body parts touched his penis, he had sex with a VERY high-risk partner. Condom or no, it’s imperative you both be tested for STDs. Most doctors recommend follow-up at intervals for up to 2 years (depending on the risk profile). It’s wise to continue to use condoms until the recommended period of time elapses and tests remain negative (and to continue to use them if you’re not as certain as you can be that the behavior has stopped).

I know. It’s a horrible reminder. But it’s not nearly as horrible as the alternative. I was gifted with 2 stripper STDs (one orally—which made me VERY ill and was incredibly hard to diagnose), and countless yeast infections, which I hadn’t ever had before and have not since.

Like you, I was in shock. I also rugswept a great deal, which led to much more pain later.

My primary concern with use of prostitutes is whether the man has issues with emotional intimacy. My ex-husband prefers stranger sex (though he always is in a relationship) because he is not capable of really connecting, in an emotionally intimate manner. It’s easier to have sex with someone who doesn’t expect a connection.

Others use sex workers for the thrill, or even because it’s just an easy way to get off.

What is your husband doing to become a safe partner?

[This message edited by solus sto at 2:11 PM, January 28th (Sunday)]

I understand :(

You know, each variation of the shit sandwich we all got fed sucks. Every now and then is the 'which is worse' question on the forums.

A lta vs a ons

Emotions vs none

You know, comparisons. None are really 'worse' l, they just hurt differently.

They also provide a lot of food for thought. This kind of cheating is worrying because we can literally all go out and buy sex with no emotions and most of us dont but he has proven that to him this is acceptable.

This kind of cheating is worrying on a different level and in different ways than a more 'traditional' affair. By its just as bad. But differently.

Because of the high risk nature of their jobs have you both had sti tests? What steps has he taken besides 'promising not to go' (which is rather meaningless considering his vows to you sorta precluded his doing what he did and yet here you are)? Are you eating/drinking water/sleeping OK?

Besides the excruciating pain, discomfort, fear, anger and betrayal ... How are you holding up? Lol, I realize it sounds crazy the way that comes out but i mean ... deep down ... Do you need maybe something to help you sleep or a talk with work explaining that you need some slack, talking to friends or family for support, etc. All due to this crisis that he dropped on you not because you are weak but because we all need helpbat some point...

Remember, we all care.