SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She really wants to reconcile. Sometimes, I do to. Other times, I start ruminating on it all and I just don't know if I can forgive. I know damn well I can never forget. We're both in counseling. I still haven't made any final decision.

While she has had plenty of time to think about her affair, it's all very new to you and the emotions and thoughts are ping ponging in every direction.

Let things settle down and you're back on an even keel and she gets back to her normal and not her careful behaviour.

Wait until the anger and frustration stage sets in and you think about the OM shagging your wife 8x to your 1...and she is tired of apologizing...after that fight you will see if D or R is on the table.

Unless you feel there's no hope work towards R with an eye on D in case you just can't deal with her and the past. could be 6 months but could be 5 years of trying without you being able to accept R. It's up to you.

Wonderful news, you deserve some good news in your life after all the heartache.

Why didn't she get pregnant between the time our older son was born and our daughter?

Perhaps as she is co-operating you should ask/insist on a Polygraph with the question of whether she was on birth control at that time as a primary one. Also, if she was, whether she deliberately stopped in order to have his child. Otherwise there will always be that nagging doubt.

That has to be such a relief. No matter what you decide, your path will be so much easier. The fact you won’t ever have to have a discussion of her origins when she comes of age is huge

As to your wife. It is hard to forgive. Others here have, and your wife seems to want it. You just have to really want it too.

That is your decision.

That is wonderful news. I'm so glad you have received a small respite from this storm of pain. That said, was there ever any real doubt you would continue to be a loving and devoted father to your little one? Based on what you have written here, the answer is clearly "no."

Great news. So at least you know you are more than 8 times better than OM.

I guess she can through out the OM kissing the baby bump picture and all. The other bull.

Happy to hear and wish you the best.

I do not know if you should R or D, but I am very certain that you shouldn't R if she isn't honest with you about the affair and I can certainly say it is a total lie when she says she never loved the OM, but only cared for him.

I am most certain that she would have been ready to replace you as the father of the family with the OM without batting an eyelid. Those pictures with kissing the baby bumps - that is only reserved for fathers. When she got pregnant by someone she only cared for, she should have panicked and not taking pictures with him kissing the baby bump. It should be her who ended the affair after knowing there is a new life in the equation with someone she didn't love as she claims. But truth be told, she was quite ok with the fact that the OM was the father. How can this not be love?

Like I said I don't know if you should R or D, but you shouldn't R if she isn't completely honest with you about her affair and what she felt about the OM. You are being lied to still.

It's hard to add much to the great insights you have received so far. I would just say that betrayal like this takes a very long time to process. You are going to cycle through shock, anger, and numbness for months to come.

I am very glad the DNA test came out like it did. Wow, what a miracle. Sometimes it seems like betrayed spouses never see the end of pain and torment, but this is definitely silver lining.

You have time to make a decision, this isn't a race. Having said that, I can't imagine doing R with this level of betrayal.

Good luck.

yoohoo...great news. Happy for you pal.

hadji makes a great point. the issues with the pregnancy and the OM shows she was in love, or at least thought she was at the time. She is minimizing.

You still have a long way to go with this. Stay focused on yourself on the road ahead.

I can’t even imagine what a relief this is for you. Especially knowing your greatest concern was the emotional stability of your daughter. This eliminates an increduiable amount of heartache for your precious daughter.

As a woman, it would be very difficult to sneak birth control. It has to be taken everyday. Same time. This is an easy thing to find out. Take her to the pharmacy. Have her ask for her prescription history in front of you. Or go to her doctor with her and get a print out of her doctor records. Don’t tell her where you are going. If she was on BC. Every doctor will have that on file.

So many things effect fertility. If she is a runner, running and aerobic activity prevent implantation. I won’t go into the science of it here. If she was overweight, being overweight can prevent consistent ovulation.

She many not have ovulated on a textbook schedule. There is a small window a woman can get pregnant.

She may just not be fertile.

Frankly, People do not have the most rapid firing state of mind during adultery. It may be beneficial for you to read “who will you become”. It’s in the book section on Linda MacDonald’s website. She has dedicated her life to helping after infidelity. This mini book gives great insight into the lack of thought process and declining morals to commit adultery.

This is a very difficult path. There are no prizes given out for swift decisions. Take your time. Continued prayers for you.

Lots of sighs of relief coming out of SI. Glad that the biological parentage issue is resolved. You always have been her Dad.

I like IWMG's thought of getting the pharma print out because the issue of birth control is now on your mind. Worth getting it resolved so it doesn't rent space in your brain.

I still haven't made any final decision.

A good place for you to be right now since you aren't in any form of limbo or rug sweeping. You have time to observe and assess her. And time for you to get your heart and brain aligned to this new reality.

You're handling things like a boss.

Like watching Andy Dufresne leave the prison on his terms at the end of Shawshank.

But having lived through infidelity's special torture myself, I see it as even more heroic because of the monstrous reality of your situation never mind how you've handled it.

News of your daughter's parentage is the point where your head's thrown back and the rain is washing your wayward's shit off of your body.

Couldn't be happier for you man.

[This message edited by lostmyreligion at 10:43 AM, March 7th (Wednesday)]

I found out. I've had DNA tests from two separate labs, and both show a 99% probability that DD is mine.

dumbfounded74

I’m so delighted for both you and your daughter. I’m not sure which of the two of you I’m more happy for.

I couldn't help asking her again why she was so sure the baby was conceived by OM. I told her not to mince words, just tell me. She said that during the window she must have conceived, the number of times she had intercourse with him vs me had to be about eight to one.

dumbfounded74

This certainly explains why she assumed that the baby was the OM’s. But the picture of the OM kissing her baby bump still bothers me. She clearly wasn’t upset by the thought that the OM got her pregnant and it sounds like she was happy.

W is certainly relieved, and she seems genuinely happy herself.

dumbfounded74

I'm sure she is. Now she doesn't have to explain to her daughter that the man she thought was her bio dad isn't. Also she doesn't have to put up with you KNOWING that your raising the OM's bio kid. I bet your wife feels like she just won the lottery because she kind of did.

And then there's something someone here said, I believe Michigan, that I keep thinking about. Why didn't she get pregnant between the time our older son was born and our daughter? Our plan was to let nature take its course until we had two or maybe three kids. Was she on birth control until she started seeing OM, and then got off of it? If so, it didn't work, I snuck in there, thank god.

dumbfounded74

There are several factors here:

1. It’s quite rare for a young couple with proven fertility to have a decade of unprotected sex without a pregnancy of some kind. You have full term normal pregnancies as bookends for that decade.

2. It’s extremely rare for oral contraception to fail when used faithfully. My wife is an OB/GYN. When she pins someone down that got pregnant on the pill it’s because they skipped one or took it too late.

3. Your wife thought she was impregnated by the OM and wasn’t at all upset about it.

How do you put those three together?

I've confronted her about that and she insisted she didn't use any birth control until after our daughter was born (I knew she was on birth control after DD was born. We had agreed that two kids was right for us).

dumbfounded74

She has to insist. You’re on the edge of divorcing her and that may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. There is a major difference between having sex with the OM and plotting (not taking the pill) to have his child. That's even worse then her having no problem having the OM's kid.

Has she been going to the same OB/GYN all this time? Ask to see her medical records. Or her pharmacy or health insurance records.

[This message edited by Michigan at 8:51 PM, March 7th (Wednesday)]

She said that during the window she must have conceived, the number of times she had intercourse with him vs me had to be about eight to one.

I snuck in there, thank god.

dumbfounded74

"Sperm competition among males has resulted in numerous physiological and psychological adaptations, including the relative size of testes, the size of the sperm midpiece and prudent sperm allocation."

You’re more of a real man than the OM in every way.

[This message edited by Michigan at 8:34 PM, March 7th (Wednesday)]

If one of your main hang ups is whether she was secretly on birth control and got off of it to get pregnant by OM, tell her you want to go to the Dr with her and see in her medical record she started taking it.

That is really hard to forgive, and I think as a consequence at least, you should ask for a separation.

Before deciding on whether or not D is for you, it will help not to be in the house with her. Let her experience the rollercoaster ride. Remember, she has suffered no consequences of the crime that was committed against you. You spent a long time sharing your wife. You spent a long time with a third person in your marriage. She had a husband, a lover, a child of questionable parentage, and continued on her merry way after pissing on you essentially. Her having to answer a lot of embarrassing questions from friends and family will at least be some consequence. As for you, if you separate, be honest and frank. Let her know that you will be telling others, and she will have to deal with it.

Why didn't she get pregnant between the time our older son was born and our daughter?

Sometimes it just happens that way. Also, it’s possible to miscarry before you know you’re pregnant. A heavy or painful period might not have registered as anything noteworthy.

You could ask her to do a polygraph. If she did use birth control, she might have used a clinic instead of her regular doctor and not bothered to mention it to her doctor. Wayward thinking can be screwed up.

omg why are you still with her ??

Glad to hear you're hanging in there and especially the good news about your daughter. Thanks for keeping us updated.

dumbfounded, you havent posted in awhile. How are things travelling?How are you and the wife doing?Have you made any decisions yet?