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I feel so trapped right now, and I have been doing so well but today feels hopeless.

D-day was 1 week ago, he finally ended the affair on Feb. 4 (3 days). He gave me full transparency in theory, but didn't realize I also had a password he didn't know about for a work chat room. I should add, the OW is a CW.

I saw today that he is lying about the nature of their conversations, and they have given each other letters about their feelings. In one sense this seems normal when ending a relationship, but it hurts so much to see him say to the OW "Again, you may not believe me, but I love you with every piece of me, like nothing else. And I am sorry for the hurt (as much as you hate me saying that), but I don't regret a single moment with you."

When of course he told me, if he had a time machine, he would go back and do everything differently. He says he loves me, he begged me to give him another chance, and said he felt he didn't belong with her anymore.

If my husband feels that way about the OW, why is he choosing to stay with me and work on our marriage? How can I ever trust someone who lies to me so totally? Is this normal for him to be saying these things? How do you get through this horrible time?

I don't want to reveal that I saw this, because then I really will have no way to check up on him. He's too smart and secretive and would only find another way.

Hi, welcome to SI.

On my way out, but if your husband is truly remorseful and wants the marriage to work, he will go NC. No texts, phone calls, letters, emails, social media. Be careful, sometimes they purchase burner phones.

If she is a co-worker, he finds another job, like now. Non negotiable.

BTW, do not reveal your sources (work chat room) bc he will probably change his password. Take screenshots of all of their conversations.

Right now don't tell him you know. Do insist on NC. If he lies and continues to talk with her, then hit him with your knowledge, not the evidence. You could make up some story that another person knows about the A and informed you that there is ongoing contact.

Sending hugs....

Thank you so much annb. I am crying right now reading your response because it is so meaningful to be understood and supported right now. This situation is so lonely and I am so glad I've found SI.

Things seems so fragile right now and I am scared to push too hard. We live in a foreign country, and the situation surrounding us is really complex. We would be in a very difficult position if he quit his job, but I will have to bring this up.

We had been planning to return to our home country last year but he refused (obv largely bc of the A) but since he's decided to be with me, he has agreed to returning home in June. I can clearly see, that is too long for him to see her every day.

I am sorry you are going through this. The simple truth is if your H is telling the OW that he doesn't regret a moment he spent with her, than he doesn't regret the A! That means he will probably continue the A. NC is insanely necessary for true R. If he doesn't understand and respect that, than he is not truly committed to R. You deserve so much better than that. Hugs to you

Yeah this kind of nonsense sucks.

My WH told OW that he loved her. 3 months after Dday he was still secretly emailing her and told her he didn't know how he was going to live without her in his life.

TODAY he says he never loved her. He loved the ego kibbles she tossed him. He loved the escape from reality that his relationship with her brought to him. It was the escape he didn't know how to go on without. He didn't know how to live in reality.

Your WH may be dealing with the same issues. She offers him an escape from reality and a door into a fantasy world where unicorns fart glittered rainbows and everything is perfect and lovely. That is most likely what he loves with every piece of him. Most WS want people to believe they are a good person so they say whatever they have to, to that end. He's never going to say "Hey, in reality I was just using you to make myself feel good". He's lied to you about her during the A. What makes you think what he says to her is the truth??

When I read the words my WH wrote it cut me to the core. Three years later if I ponder them even for a few moments I still feel tremendous pain. So yes this hurts. But I remind myself it was "limerance" not real love. He allowed himself to create a fantasy around this person so that he could continue with the "feel goods". When he had to face what kind of person she REALLY was, he admitted she was mean, self centered, manipulative, selfish, and a bitch to her those around her.

And yes, for now, DO NOT reveal where you saw this information. NEVER reveal your source. WS's are a cunning lot and can figure out how to cover up their tracks if they want to carry on the A. You will at least have this one avenue to see if he is carrying on down the road.

This is a hard time for you. Please please please take care of yourself right now. Eat, try to sleep, drink a LOT of water. Try to stay away from alcohol. At the very least limit your intake as it drains you physically and puts you back on your heels rather than standing up and seeing things clearly. Most of all, please know that no matter what happens down the road, you WILL be ok. Let me repeat, YOU WILL BE OKAY!!!

Oh, Zoe

Welcome to SI. The club no one ever wanted to join. You are not alone.

WS ended affair, but still in contact with OW

^^^(((gently))) The affair hasn't ended if he is still in contact with her. They are still connected, emotionally if not physically.

why is he choosing to stay with me and work on our marriage?

Because you are security. Faithful. Real. The OW and the A are all based on fantasies and lies. It is NOT real and deep down he is scared to risk everything for a fantasy. He wants his cake and eat it too.

How do you get through this horrible time?

One day, one step at a time. There are no quick fixes, no easy outs. Please head up to the Healing Library at the upper left hand corner. There is a lot of information there for you to read and consider. Post often. Allow yourself to grieve, to feel, to question, to feel. You have been traumatized by your WH's choice to cheat.

When you are ready please tell us the rest of your story. How you found out. Is the OW married, and what is it that you need to do for YOU right now.

I don't want to reveal

NEVER reveal your sources, especially this early on. Try (it is hard) but TRY not to reference how or where you found your information such as the work chat room. He will shut it down and take the affair even further underground.

We realize these are terribly hard times. Read, post, look into IC for you.

You can and will be okay.

(((hugs)))

How long was the Affair?

How did you find out?

Is OW married?

Is she/he a subordinate?

Thank you so much, every one of you for your support and wisdom. This is definitely a club I didn't want to join.

Our situation is this: we live in Germany, we are from Canada. We came here to pursue dreams, which hasn't really worked out the way we planned. WS was finding it particularly hard to leave. The "friendship" with the CW became a problem in April. I travel for work, so when I returned from a long trip I found a huge change in him and knew exactly what it was. This has happened before, but not to this level. We split up for 2 years after the last CW inappropriate friendship/affair but then reconciled, and have been together for 10 years, married for 4.5. Anyway, I told him to stop the friendship, and I thought he did. I foolishly was not careful enough. I have been trying to get home for years now, back to my friends and family and everything else, and WS has been dragging his heels, hard.

The A really became physical when I went away for work again last summer, so it is about 6 months of a full on romantic affair. She is married but they are not together, and does have a small child. The H of the OW already knows. There is no subordinate relationship between H and OW. They work at a very small company of about 10 persons. The OW already had a relationship with another coworker for about 2 months, and he has been suspicious of my WS and the OW from the beginning. It has clearly caused a lot of drama in the workplace.

Up until today I have been having a really hard time getting in touch with my anger, but today that has really changed. I am feeling rage and like scorching some earth right now and getting them both fired. But I won't, I don't want to make rash decisions that I will regret.

Sorry I should have added how I found out about the A.

He was feeling so indecisive about returning to Canada and having so much "fear and anxiety" about leaving behind his dreams here and what he would do when we got home, that finally I got him into counselling in December. The indecisiveness and anguish continued, and finally things started leaking out like he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married. Then, maybe actually the OW was a factor and maybe he did want a relationship with her. Then, actually they did "fool around a bit" in the summer but not since then, and she very much wanted to be with him and have a relationship. Finally, I found his Skype history on his computer and it was all there in black and white. They were in love, and fully sleeping together, going on trips together when I was away for work. I also found some Cialis (ED pills) that were many, many many empty pill containers. I confronted him with the pills, but not the Skype so he admitted they had slept together. He has since given me "transparency" and access to 99% of his passwords so the Skype is now useless since he knows I know about it.

How do you know she and her husband aren't together? Are they actually separated,or are they apart because of his job,or other reasons? How do you know he knows about the affair?

Unless you have spoken to her husband, anything your husband says about their relationship means nothing. He's a lying liar that lies.

Many, many pill containers? If there are 30 pills per container, that's a lot of sex. Did you look at how far back the dates on the containers go? I just don't see many, many ED pills being taken in 6 months, unless it's every day. She might not be his only A.

I would lay low, and continue to observe. If they still work together, and we're "So in love", it is only a matter of time before the A starts up again.

I just read your post where you said you are returning home in June. Is that for a visit, or are you moving home?

I am so sorry you have to be here. My husband also had issues with NC; he was in love with his AF & she was his soul mate; yet here he is, still with me....Anyways, I have a total of 6 Ddays regarding the breaking of NC. It sucks & has been a huge battle. So far, we are working on 48 days of actual no contact (not that I am counting) I also found some really disturbing notes in his phone (they were journal entries his counselor suggested he write) & they were horrifying to read about what he was feeling.

Zoe

I really feel for you. Thisnpain should not be thrown upon anyone. However, we need to tell you that You cannot reconcile with someone pining away for someone else. It just won’t work. You will never feel safe.

I see from your post you are starting to find your anger. That’s a good thing. You can’t save your marriage without taking control. And sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.

Personally I would say something to him (without revealing your sources) like “I know you are in love with her. Or at least you think you are. Until you are able to realize that I am your true love and life partner and not her, then You need to go be with her and figure this out. I have made a flight reservation to move back to Canada on Feb X. If someday you figure this out and want to join me there, let me know and if I’m still available we can discuss it. When I get back to Canada I will be filing for divorce.”

Then Zoe, read and implement THE 180 from the healing library at this site. It will help you detach.

There are a bunch of signs that someone is truly remorseful and out of the fog that I can PM you or you can find in the healing library. He is not yet exhibiting them. Sending a love letter to your AP saying he loves her “like nothing else” is no where near being remorseful. I wish he was, but he is not. He should be sending you the love letters, not her.

So please take control. Again if he snaps out of the fog and agonizes over the pain he has cause you, his real true love then you can’t change plans. But until he does, let him see you making plans for a life without him. Perhaps in the end you will find that it’s better than life with him.

Good luck.

If they communicated a lot on Skype, even if he deleted the conversation, you can still pull up the log if you can access the computer he used to chat with her. I used Skyperious personally, but there are a number of different ways to do this.

From my standpoint, their affair is ongoing. You may want to read up on the 180.

My wife trickle truthed me for 3 weeks, only when I moved out and set real boundaries did her affairs stop. That is just my experience, but I and many others believe that it is the fastest and most effective way to get out of infidelity.

Just my 2¢, take it or leave it.

He is not remorseful. Sadly, I do not think you have much to work with when it comes to a possible reconciliation. If you don't do a 180 on him and possibly serve him with D papers he will likely stay in his unicorn fart land.

Also, this is not his first unicorn rodeo so I think he will just keep following this path again and again...unless he REALLY steps up and works hard on himself to fix what is so broken inside of him. When I read your posts I didn't get that impression at all from him...he wants to stay "with" her in some form or fashion.

I know a lot of BS's have much more patience than I do, they are willing to wait for their WS's to wake up from the fog.

I think I must be cut from a different cloth because any crap like what you are describing and I'd be gone. I have ZERO tolerance for pining away for any OW or A!

Hi, Zoe, so this affair is the second that you know of.

Was the first during marriage? Not that it matters, but fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Are you certain there were no others along the way?

How was the first affair handled after discovery?

Right now just take care of YOU.

Please make an appointment to get screened for STDS ... full panel ...tell your doctor why and he has to do the same and YOU need to see the report.

Protect your health.

Use the resources of this site and read the Healing Library and the Tactical Primer on the top of this forum.

Please read the links below.....

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Before you say reconcile...Recover!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=561390

For the newly betrayed

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=535178

Take care...

Keep reading and posting ((Zoes)))

Remember you did nothing to deserve this and you deserve so much more than he is capable of giving.

Zoe,

So sorry you're here. Thank you for posting your story, I know that that's not easy to do.

Unfortunately, your WH did NOT end the affair. He's still lying to you about the nature of their relationship and communication. You have a choice to make right now. You can accept living in infidelity or you can choose to get out of infidelity. There aren't degrees of infidelity. Either your husband is faithful or he's cheating. Yours is cheating.

Not only would I not reveal your sources, I wouldn't reveal what you know either. My advice would be to read up on the 180 and keep things simple. Something along the lines of "WH, I know you've been lying to me. You have continued to carry on with OW. You had a choice to make. You could either continue to be my husband or you could continue to be her boyfriend. You chose to be her boyfriend. I want to support you in that decision. I have begun to make arrangements for my future without you. If you'd like to discuss how you can once again become part of that future I would be open to hearing your proposal on how you can do that. That will not be possible until OW is out of your life and you have a plan in place to ensure that I don't have to fear future As."

Once you've delivered that message, enact the 180. I danced the "pick me dance" and allowed her to keep convincing me that she was being honest. All it did was drag out my pain. It's my biggest regret since D-Day. Don't make the same mistakes I made.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and keep us updated. We understand your pain and care about your well being. Sincerely, you are among friends here.