SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello, I hope I'm posting this in the right forum. My H of 30 years is very uncomfortable with a relationship I have with my CoW.

Bit of background: H and I have had some ups and downs but we have mostly been happy in our marriage together. He's the love of my life. Our sex life is fantastic (and he agrees). He's my best friend.

So hear is what happened. CoW was placed as an intern with me 18 months ago because we specialize in the the same technology. This was not what I wanted, I did it as a favor to my boss. It was a lot of extra work taking someone else under my wing, having our project be evaluated together, etc.

I'm 50 and CoW is half my age. CoW is pretty shy so after a couple of months we slowly started getting closer. He told me about his friends, his dates, his sports teams, etc. I'm always talking about my H and grown kids. We have similar humor and music tastes.

Most of the day we work with groups of people in meetings. We have about an hour or so together throughout the day, discussing plans, etc. We eat lunch together most days because we usually work through lunch. We've only gone out to lunch together twice and that was with colleagues. We don't see each other outside of work but we do text each other about work. I'd mentioned him to my H several times and said I wanted to have him over for dinner so they could meet.

Every once in awhile CoW and I would make jokes or send funny gifs. On my birthday he gave me a thoughtful gift and I brought it home with some other cards/gifts I received. We exchanged Christmas gifts. At the end of our project (9 months later) he gave me a $200 gift card and a thank you card.

On CoW's last day my H finally confessed that he was glad I wasn't working with CoW anymore, that he always felt uneasy and thought we were too close. Turns out H has been reading my text messages. There was nothing flirty or out of line in 9 months but H said he felt so uncomfortable. When I pressed H he said that read a text between me and my best friend. She asked if my CoW was attractive and I said, "Yes, for a guy his age." I was not happy about this and H suggested counseling.

H didn't like the first guy so we switched ( I think H didn't like the way things were going with that counselor, he defended me). Now we are seeing a new guy that H handpicked.

About a month after CoW left, he was hired back to work temporarily in the office next door to me. H was not happy.

I really took things to heart. I found SI and have been reading daily since last May. I've read "Not Just Friends" and I saw where my H was coming from. Most people don't plan affairs. However, I've known this guy for 18 months and there is nothing inappropriate with our relationship. I've only given him a side hug a few times. We don't flirt or sext but we are fairly close. We laugh a lot together and I hoped we'd always be friends. We text about once every 1-2 weeks or so and haven't seen each other for months.

H says he hates that we exchanged gifts and he hates that CoW gave me a Valentine Card. Yes, he went through stuff at my office. It was a generic VD card that said "Lots of Love Always" and thanks for all you've done for me. I didn't give CoW anything for that holiday but my H doesn't believe me.

Am I way out of line here? Do I need to never talk to this guy again even though we will be running in the same circles in the industry for awhile?

Welcome and thank you for sharing.

Kudos for getting, reading and understanding the book.

I'm a bit brain dead at the moment, so I'm not sure what the answer is exactly, especially in a specialized field like that Perhaps in MC things will change and you can view the whole situation differently and still respect your spouse and his feelings in a different way. It could happen.

Weekends are slow on SI, I didn't want you to feel like no one was listening :D

Hi there SourPatch,

Welcome to SI.

If you've been reading here since last May and have read Not Just Friends I think you probably know the answer to your question already. Your husband's spidey senses are tingling because he senses that you have established intimacy with CoW and CoW, being male, is a potential sex partner. Don't let the age difference lull you into a sense of security that an affair could never happen between you and CoW. My AP was 20 years younger than me. I was about your age when the affair ended.

Even before my affair I had a lot of male friends. I was in a largely male-dominated field and the ratio of males to females was probably 3:1. Before my affair, I thought as long as I was willing and able to put the brakes on things it was okay if the friend was attracted to me and even if I was attracted to the friend. I don't think that way now. I see a relationship like that now as a threat to my marriage and my integrity. Being dragged through the infidelity knot-hole has made me a bit of a fundamentalist in this regard.

I'm curious...when you see a text come in from CoW, do you get a little jolt of anticipation? When you drive by that building next to yours, do you look to see if his car's in the parking lot? Or anything along those lines? Do you think he's attracted to you? If you made a move, what do you think would happen?

Ultimately, 2 years ago you didn't know this guy existed. You have 30 years with your husband and he's the love of your life. Is there really a question about which relationship takes precedence? How important is it to you to safeguard your marriage and your own integrity?

Grist for your mill from an EvolvingSoul.

[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 10:00 PM, February 10th (Saturday)]

SP,

Assuming your post is all revealing and honest, I am not really sure your situation falls into the territory of betraying your mate. It is important that you recognize he feels uncomfortable and react accordingly as it seems you are doing. Perhaps be less friendly in the future with male coworkers but again, I am not getting the impression you did anything wrong. I do think your situation could easily slide into an affair if you and your coworker were open to it-but that is true of many life situations.

On another note, and hopefully I am in left field but in my own experience and other situations I have observed, the person accusing their partner of something inappropriate is actually the one doing something wrong. In your situation it seems unlikely as he initiated the counseling but I don’t want you to be caught off guard.

Although I didn’t plan my affair, I didn’t exactly have barriers in my brain to prevent it as I do now, and in the couple of years pre-A I would say things similarly to your husband to my H-wondering if he was straying yet he wasn’t and I had no evidence to even support my claims. I can’t even fully explain that behavior now. I know I was mentally wandering at times, yet I would accuse him of worse-I am sure someone will come along with some insight on that one.

I am glad you are taking the time and energy to take care of your marriage.

Story on profile

I’ve been in your shoes. I got close to male coworkers but thankfully it was before technology which helped. Thing is later I did cross that line and now I’m here. I know now how wrong I was.

My advice to you is this. Think store clerk. Would you buy them a gift? No. Get them a Valentine’s Day card? No. Text with them outside the store? No. You don’t have to avoid him but you do need to back off.

Am I way out of line here?

Yep, how my EA started. With a coW I trained. Though she flirted with me and teased me from the get go.

I think you already answered your question with the defensiveness about your husband (rightly so) snooping. If you have nothing to hide, you wouldn't get defensive about your husband's pain. This relationship with your CoW is out of line. You exchange texts outside of work. You exchange gifts. He gave you a Valentine card. What do you care about more? Being right? Keeping this friendship (which is out of line with a male)? Making your husband feel like he is more to you then this guy?

Sounds to me from what you wrote you are more interested in defending yourself and your so-called "friendship" that there is nothing there.

Turns out H has been reading my text messages.

I was not happy about this

I think H didn't like the way things were going with that counselor, he defended me

Yes, he went through stuff at my office.

It really doesn't matter what you define an "EA" as. All that matters is what your husband thinks and if you love him as much as you claim you would take his worries to heart over your right to be right.

Do I need to never talk to this guy again even though we will be running in the same circles in the industry for awhile?

Do not accept anymore gifts. Do not text him. Do not do anything alone with him. Do not talk about him with friends.

I'd mentioned him to my H several times and said I wanted to have him over for dinner so they could meet.

So, you could show him off to your husband? Your new friend? I tried to do the same thing with my new COw that I trained as a shift supervisor. I even tried to set up a time to have my wife and her meet at the new store. Then to have them over for dinner. Sick. A month later I invited that same woman over to my house when my wife was out of town. Once you are on the slippery slope it all goes down hill really fast.

Re-read "Not Just Friends" because your boundaries are wrong, Just think about it. You accepted a Valentines card from the man. You defended it by saying it was generic. There are no generic Valentines cards as an adult. Also read "How to Help your Spouse Heal from an Affair".

1) I don't think you've done anything wrong, but things happen whether you mean to or not. That's just how this things start. Having commonalities are fun to discuss, but are dangerously fertile reasoning for feeling good around the opposite sex. Not good. I also have a hunch your coworker, put it out there that he was game if you were. You never met him halfway, so nothing came of it. Had you done so, I wouldn't be surprised if he would have been a receptive to "exploring" what's there. This is how it happens.

2) Personally, you should care enough about your husband's concerns to understand and empathize that his concerns were enough to read your texts. If my wife was this way, I'd be taken back, but would eventually admit this wasn't like her and therefor she must have pretty strong reasons tof doing so even if if I believe nothing's there to worry about. I'm more interested in her being safe than my privacy being invaded, as there's nothing I have to hide anyway. My top priority is her being comfortable with our marriage.

Additionally, he might be able to see somethings in your professional relationship with this guy that you aren't able to see or feel for yourself. I've read MANY situations like this where the husband or wife was uncomfortable with the work relationship, the spouse had it under control and lo and behold, 3 months later it's an EA and 3 months after that it's an AP. And the BS saw it coming the entire time, as they had a sixth sense that went ignored.

The questions posed by evolving soul might shed some light into your thoughts also.

I'm curious...when you see a text come in from CoW, do you get a little jolt of anticipation? When you drive by that building next to yours, do you look to see if his car's in the parking lot? Or anything along those lines? Do you think he's attracted to you? If you made a move, what do you think would happen?

Thanks everyone! I’m traveling today so I will check in when I can.

The responses are what I expected and I really appreciate everyone’s input. It’s clear I need to back off of this relationship just in case. I’m sure CoW will wonder why but that’s okay.

I mentioned having him over to dinner because I thought it would make H more comfortable. They did meet once at my work and they hardly said a word to each other. H told the counselor that CoW seemed “evasive”. I don’t see it but regardless I will back off.

Oh and to answer your questions, yes I do look forward to hearing from CoW so I guess that’s a bad sign

Zugzwang is 100% spot on...re-read his post.

Many Waywards do not plan to have an affair, they happen after crossing boundaries as you have already. On some level, you ARE in an emotional relationship with your COW as he is with you.

Your husband of 30 years knows you better than anyone and his "spidey" senses are correct.

[This message edited by Klaatu at 2:41 PM, February 11th (Sunday)]