SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can respect the effort but really have no respect for her and about the same amount for myself for even giving it a chance.

Struggling with this myself. Ultimately, I know I did nothing wrong and therefor have no reason not to respect myself. Do you have kids? I won't respect myself if I don't make some effort to keep my daughter's life intact. As angry as I get and as disrespected as I feel, there is a part of me that still loves my wife. That tells me there is still a sliver of a chance for her to make amends and I feel an obligation to explore that.

That said, I am also beginning to think that this is a waste of time. I'm going to give her a little longer and then start using legal leverage to either snap her out of the fog or get some peace for myself (daughter is already suspicious, asked if we're getting divorced etc., so this isn't good for her either)

So really isn't R just settling for less then what marriage was actually intended to be?

You've taken what she did and, rather than frame her as a broken person, worthy of redemption, I read that you've framed her as used up, whorish and forever tainted. Unredeemable.

Is that accurate? Would you change this for a shot at true reconciliation if you could?

I think its a difference btw male vs females outlook on their partners affair. I know that is generalizations but there is a 2 pronged effect on BH's. Your wife is now devalued by her promiscuity (men that have lots of sex are seen as studs) and you have become the cuck that is often ridiculed in society. Its a roadblock for sure.

So really isn't R just settling for less then what marriage was actually intended to be?

It CAN be. Or it doesn't HAVE to be. I'll go one step further and let you know that reconciliation can set the stage for a marriage that is FAR better than it ever was... better, in fact, than you might ever experience if you go out on the market again and find someone new. Let's face it, that person probably has baggage, to.

My comments about this, as I stated in my last post, can be found on the other thread I mentioned.

If you half-ass reconciliation then you get what you put into it - a half-ass marriage. And, yes, that's not what marriage was intended to be (although that's exactly what it is for most people - infidelity or not).

What reconciliation does for you is it opens the door to creating new rules about your marriage. You have, in effect, a reset button that you're now allowed to hit. Why? Because one of the conditions of reconciliation SHOULD be that it is more accommodating of the needs of each partner. So if there are things about your marriage that you never really liked (and I don't know a single person who is getting EVERY need met) then you can now put your foot down and say, "This is how things are going to go moving forward."

Hopefully, she'll say the same to you. And as you both heal you'll realize that you're moving forward into a marriage that is FAR better than the one you had. You'll realize that she has learned from what she did and is able to make amends. And you will heal.

Or... she can't. In which case your reconciliation is bullshit and you should divorce.

The key is, of course, recognizing that you still WANT your marriage, can accurately assess if your wife is CAPABLE of doing the hard work, and, lastly, if you even care enough to try.

Reconciliation doesn't have to be "settling for less" unless you allow that to happen.

So really isn't R just settling for less then what marriage was actually intended to be?

Well, not for me. I won't settle for less now. I won't even settle for what I had before his A. The relationship we are creating now is far deeper and more intimate than where we were before. He was hiding who he really was deep down for over 15 years. The porn addiction reared it's ugly head now and again but I was led to believe it wasn't a really big deal. He hadn't ever dealt with his FOO issues and become a healthy man. He was just acting like a healthy man... mimicking the behavior he thought was healthy, and kind of getting it right on the surface.

Now, he's digging deep down and fixing all that brokenness that was in there. I'm getting the guy I fell in love with, but the complete version. I'm getting the guy who now understands how screwed up he really was, and never wants to be that way again. I'm getting the mature adult who wants to have an intimate and authentic relationship with me. I'm getting the M I was supposed to be having all along and was silly enough to think we had.

To me, that's not settling for less.

I think its a difference btw male vs females outlook on their partners affair. I know that is generalizations but there is a 2 pronged effect on BH's. Your wife is now devalued by her promiscuity (men that have lots of sex are seen as studs) and you have become the cuck that is often ridiculed in society. Its a roadblock for sure.

This is pretty accurate. Although I beat the hell out of my WW's OM, so I can't really be called a cuck. Just a jilted husband.

How can any marriage be better after ic mc? Wondering when I may occur again? What is better the sex ? The communication well communicated cheating was not something I would tolerate. A half assed attempt was mentioned the marriage is half assed regardless.

What is better?

My H is now his authentic self. He's shed his conflict avoidance so we can truly have a marriage of equals.

He's shed his defensiveness.

He's become much more self aware and has decent self esteem.

And more. Those things improve our marriage immeasurably. Those are some of his broken pieces that led to his betrayals. Seeing how hard he worked at those things my respect grew. Our emotional intimacy grew. And there is then better sex.

But only if your W works on her why's and you're open to it.

If she's half-assing her recovery from cheater to safe spouse, well that's the very first issue. None of the above is possible is WS half-asses recovery.

I think its a difference btw male vs females outlook on their partners affair. I know that is generalizations but there is a 2 pronged effect on BH's. Your wife is now devalued by her promiscuity (men that have lots of sex are seen as studs) and you have become the cuck that is often ridiculed in society. Its a roadblock for sure.

The above only works if you give a shit about what others think of you and base your value and your partners value on society's perceived values. The number of partners does not devalue or enrich a human.

If your partner is forever tainted to you and there is nothing she can ever do to change that, i would think it would be best to separate amicably. Kids growing up in a marriage where one or both parties don't respect the other learn lessons that take decades of work to unlearn. There is no life sentence, no need to live in a toxic environment in misery. Work out a coparenting arrangement and move forward to find peace.