First off, I am looking for advice. My husband and I have had the cuckold/hotwife fantasy for 8 out of the 10 years we’ve been together. I’ve made some mistakes along the way that have hurt him deeply. If you know nothing about the lifestyle, you might be offended by my post and may not want to read it. I'll also warn you, my post is long, very detailed and necessarily explicit, but if you have the time, I do have quite the story! I promise.
OUR HISTORY:
I’m 27, he is 36. He is sweet, loving, intelligent, devoted, very caring, non-violent, patient, handsome, romantic, very sexual, and just amazing. I still can’t believe he chose me to be his wife. I’m going to give him a false name of “John” for the sake of this post. John would describe me as sweet, sensitive, guarded, a bit shy, sexual, beautiful and very sentimental. We are both sane, level-headed and educated. As a teen, I had all sorts of crushes on lots of guys (including celebrities of course) but I never was asked out. John knew this about me. We started dating in 2008. We grew very close and fell deeply in love. When we were dating, I was a virgin and he was the first man I had ever even been with in any way (I was 18). Sidenote: I didn’t bleed and I was wet, which made John think I wasn’t a virgin. He didn’t share that thought with me until very recently. He’s been married before and had a f*** buddy for 3 of those 7 awful years, due to lack of sex with his former wife. He also had threesomes with his FB. I only found out about the FB a few months ago. When I married him, I thought his former wife was the only other person he’d slept with. All of that sucks a lot but that’s not why I’m here.
Moving onto fall/winter 2009, I had developed an EA with a GIRL I worked with. I knew she had feelings for me, and even though I wasn’t attracted to her AT ALL, I loved the attention. I was extremely flattered and let the attention go to my head. I have always fantasized about guys AND girls, but this girl wasn’t the type I would ever think about. She was “butch.” I felt like it was okay to have this friendship because I couldn’t do anything wrong with this girl, I’m not a lesbian. This is how I justified my feelings and actions. John knew about all that. I communicated everything to him, but I denied that I had “feelings” to him and myself. There were a few times I was at her house and we watched TV, and ended up basically cuddling on the couch. No touching with hands, but we leaned on each other, close. This information was not shared with John. Then on Christmas, I was supposed to spend it with him, but I left him because I had made plans with this girl. He asked me not to go, but I did anyway. Soon after that, I ended my friendship with her because it was hurting John. After that happened, I confessed to him that we had cuddled. I know it may sound weird but it really was an affair. I LEFT him on CHRISTMAS to spend time with her. Gross. I loathe myself for that whole fiasco. He should have left me, but he loved me too much to let me go. Eventually, he moved on (I thought).
Over time, John accused me of staring at other guys, wanting to sleep with them, things of that nature. I now admit I was checking guys out but I wasn’t daydreaming about having sex with them. John was hot! Eventually our conversations transpired into him wanting to know every little detail about my sexual past; porn I’ve seen, fantasies I’ve had, things I did with guys as a teen, even as a child (experimenting with cousins or whatever). I shared everything. Then, he confided in me that he thinks it would be super hot if I had sex with another guy. I resisted this concept for awhile. I didn’t understand why he’d want to share me. But I entertained him with the fantasy until I grew to enjoy it myself. By 2011 I hadn’t fulfilled that fantasy. John felt that time was ticking because he wouldn’t want to share me once we were married. So I found a guy. Right before our encounter, John changed his mind, but I told him I was going to do it anyway because I knew he would always regret it if I didn’t, and I probably would too. He consented, really without much say in the matter. So, I slept with the guy, with John in the other room (the guy didn’t know he even existed). The rules were no sending nudes that included my face, no kissing, take a video, no fellatio and no semen inside anything. I stuck to those rules. John ended up liking and hating it. I admit I was insensitive after it happened. Just my attitude, I was not careful with his emotions, which were raw. For weeks after that, he called me names, he was mean to me & blamed me for all his pain. Eventually he mostly got over it and wanted more. I continued entertaining the fantasy. He proposed to me in 2012 and still wanted me to find another guy before we were married. I didn’t do it. Needless to say, he was disappointed but we had an awesome wedding and honeymoon.
2014 rolled around. John and I were still into the fantasy. I finally found a guy on craigslist who was very charming and was into me. We talked for awhile and I invited him over. I went over the rules with him (there must be a video, no sending nudes with face, no kissing, no semen in me & no fellatio). He knew about my husband liking this and he was reluctant to take a video because his job would be in jeopardy if it had leaked. He said he wouldn’t want his face in it. So he came over (with my husband hiding in another room to listen). He ended up taking a short video of ME undressing for him, and then he shut the camera off. I panicked inside, but thought I’d just turn the camera on when we started having sex, no big deal. He ended up kissing me. I resisted at first but gave in because he was tall and charming and I honestly had somewhat of an infatuation with him. So I already broke two rules, right there! He undressed and started going down on me. I kept worrying about that camera. I thought I’d turn it on once things really started to heat up. But after I came, he came on my chest, and he started getting dressed and said he had to meet a client. He left. I froze. I didn’t get ANYTHING on camera. I knew I was in trouble. Yeah, I was right. John was livid. He was so upset I thought he would divorce me. So I decided to never tell him that we had also kissed. This detail is important. Anyway, of course it took awhile to get past THAT.
After that, I wanted to surprise my husband with a good video. I secretly hooked up with a guy and tried desperately to get it on video, but we were in a dark place and couldn’t get the right angle. He also couldn’t stay hard because he hated condoms. So I stopped the encounter and went home without sex. I showed my husband the video right away and he was pleasantly surprised. He was happy I made an effort to get a good video, because it showed him that he was important to me, more important that getting a good f***. It made the previous encounter a bit easier to deal with.
I had another encounter with some random dude on craigslist later on. I hated it. I told him the rules. He didn’t listen. He came inside me and tried to get me to kiss him. I refused to kiss him but his lips were planted on mine a lot. I also performed oral on him. I got a video. John wasn’t upset over this encounter, even though pretty much 3 of the 5 rules were broken. I’m not sure why he wasn’t upset. He wasn’t into it either, mainly because I wasn’t.Then in 2015 John and I were going on a business trip, so I found a guy from that town to meet with. John didn’t know until we were almost there. He had been anxious for me to try a BBC and I finally found one. I met with this guy two nights in a row, and got awesome videos. John loved all of it, especially because I made a priority to get a great video (It never got turned off, I got good angles, even close-ups). To John, the camera is essentially him. If I make the video a top priority, I am making him my top priority. I didn’t fully get this until very recently. I also followed the rules, except the rules had changed. I could perform oral if the guy was safe and if I was horny enough. So we didn’t kiss, we got good videos and no semen entered any of my orifices, but he did give me a facial. He was still jealous about everything I did, but he wasn’t upset. The jealousy is just a part of the fantasy.
In 2016 John got me pregnant. That was a happy thing! John thought it would be hot if I found a guy who had a pregnancy fetish. He even found a guy who did! I ended up talking with that guy for most of my pregnancy, but it never worked out to actually meet up. Whenever the guy sexted me, I didn’t tell John. I guess I didn’t think it was important, because I wasn’t really into the guy. I just felt bored. Sometime during my pregnancy, John actually confessed that he feels guilty about having the fantasy and that he thought it was all his fault. He said that he tries to make it out like it was all my idea. I didn’t deny it. I said I often feel that he never wants ME, and he is only interested in this fantasy. So after that, we pretty much stopped talking about it. Sex was very dull and didn’t happen very often. But I was so horny all the time. I even got off to porn because I was so charged. I didn’t tell him at the time, but recently confessed to it. One other thing, I did have a sexting relationship with some random guy for a year, and the timing overlapped with the guy in 2014. We never met up, though we talked about it. I ended it because I got bored. John knew about this guy and it fueled our sexual activities.That’s our history! Now I’ll be moving onto recent events. It gets confusing, but bear with me!
After I had our baby in 2017, John confessed again that he felt guilty about having this fantasy and that he thinks that I never really wanted it, and that it was ALL him. I insisted that it wasn’t true. In fact I shared a fantasy that I had about having a “boyfriend.” I told him how I wanted the boyfriend to talk with me, exchange pictures, meet with me for sex, cuddle with me, have overnights, go on secret dates, all that. It really turned him on to hear what I wanted. I entertained that fantasy for awhile. We were really into it and he encouraged me to actually do it. However, I didn’t feel desirable after my body changed from the pregnancy. Plus, my husband didn’t want to have sex after the first few months postpartum because I “smelled weird.” Cue eye-roll now.
IMPORTANT NOTES:
Over the years, while talking dirty with John, he would hint that it would be so hot if I did something he didn’t know about, and later on confess it to him. He would ask if I had done anything with anyone besides him that he doesn’t know about. He would always say it in a way that made me feel like if there was anything to tell, I would feel safe tell him! Countless times, I would fabricate “stories” just to get him to climax. Then I would tell him it was false. Sometimes I would let him believe it for a week or so before admitting the truth. That may sound terrible, but he has even had to explain to me to “roll with it.” If he is in the mood and he asks a question about something sexual, just go with the idea so he can come. There have been times where I didn’t play along with whatever we were talking about, and it would frustrate the crap out of him because then he would lose his horniness and wouldn’t be able to come. It takes me a long time to catch on sometimes. When he has to explain something like that to me, he says it emasculates him and makes him feel powerless. Also while talking dirty with John, he would say that it would be really hot if while I was in the moment with another guy, I broke the rules just because I was so turned on. That always confused me because he made such a big deal about sticking to the rules, and yet he thinks it would be amazing if I was so horny that I threw those rules out the window. He went back and forth on this frequently.
One last random note; John has always fantasized about me doing sexual things with guys. Whether it be one guy, two guys, three guys, a BBC, whatever. He never fantasizes about me with another girl unless it’s in a threesome with a guy, and he claims to never fantasize about himself with other women. Although he has told me a few times that it isn’t fair that he can’t sleep with another girl, when I have had several guys. I told him I’m not into that, and he IS into me sleeping with other guys. He said it’s not that big of deal because he’d rather see me in action anyway but still, he felt like it was unfair. He has also said it could be hot to try sleeping with a black woman.
Fast forward to September 2017...
John and I were on a trip where that BBC I slept with lived, and I didn't meet up with him. John was literally upset about it and about the fact that I hadn't done ANYTHING sexual pertaining to this hotwifing fantasy in almost two years. So when we returned home, I posted an ad on craigslist saying I was searching for a boyfriend/fwb. I actually did want a boyfriend type of situation. I finally felt secure with my postpartum body and I wanted to experience something new, while also making my hubby happy at the same time. I didn’t tell him about it until I found a few guys that responded.
I found a PERFECT guy. He was in a relationship as well so I knew he'd keep it discrete and hopefully no one would catch feels. I lied to this guy by saying my husband didn't know I was into having affairs. We texted daily for the first month and then a few times a week after that. John always needed to hear about every single conversation we had. I would read them to him as I was f***ing him or giving a hand job. He got jealous sometimes, especially when I'd send nudes with my face to the BF, which was a no-no. He wasn’t ever really upset, but it did bother him somewhat. My BF lived in another town so it was difficult to meet up. I definitely got infatuated with this one. I trusted him and I really wanted to meet him. There were a couple instances where I thought John would get a little too jealous, so I would not tell him about that particular conversation. RED FLAG! Eventually John got really jealous of how much I talked with my BF and told me to ignore him until he says I can talk to him again. I hated that, because I was afraid my BF would think I flaked or got “caught” and just never want to see me. So I did as I was told, until I didn’t. Yeah, this is where it gets bad. I talked with my BF after a few days of getting messages like “Are you getting these ok?” & “I hope everything’s alright.” I caved. I told John and I got into trouble of course. He wanted to know everything I’ve been hiding from him. I finally confessed my secret about kissing the guy from 2014 (Remember him? He was the guy who shut off the camera). John was deeply hurt. He was not mad, but hurt. He thanked me for telling him the truth. And soon enough it turned him on again to hear how badly I wanted to have sex with my BF. So the fantasy continued. But it was shaky. To add to the mess, in his jealousy, John had been suggesting that he’d like to have a fling with a random girl so he can understand my feelings about my BF, and so he can basically even up the score. I always argued “I never had a f*** buddy like you did, so how do we even that score?” But I truly did want him to understand that I wasn’t in love with my BF so I warmed up to his idea. I know, what a mess, right? So I began the search for a girl for him. No such luck…
My BF and I finally found a date that would work for us both, near Christmas. Only, I didn't tell my husband about this, because I wanted to play into his fantasy I mentioned earlier about finding out about something I've done that he didn't know about. I thought it was going to be an awesome surprise. I also really, really wanted to see my BF. So my encounter with my BF was a success! John didn’t know I was gone, and I got it on video, but it ended up being really awful. You couldn't see the first kiss, and I didn't get any close-ups of anything. I performed oral, and let him penetrate me without a condom, and we even got in the shower together (got it on video though). He also came in my mouth, which I swallowed without getting a close-up first. SO MANY RULES BROKEN! I justified it in my mind because “My husband likes it when I’m so horny that I just do whatever I want. He gets turned on when I’m turned on. He wants this fantasy to be about me, not him.”
Now, to the week after the encounter...
I told John about it while we were messing around in bed because he was very receptive and horny. To my dismay, he was not happy about it. He was very very not happy. I think the fact that I pulled it off so well scared the s*** out of him. He realized I could get away with having a secret affair. We didn’t watch the video together until sometime late January. He watched it alone once before that, but not all the way to the end. John also hated the video. He says he would have felt better about me doing what I did if I made an awesome video for him, but I didn't. Since then, I’ve tried to make John feel included, and like he is still my man. I don't think he is a typical cuck. He doesn’t get into the submission, he is still quite Alpha. Over this time, I've learned that he doesn't feel like I belong to him anymore, like he isn't manly, like I don't care about him, like I don't love him and like I am in love with this other guy. I'm most definitely not. My BF and I get along, sure, but we are polar opposites in just about everything but sex and I would never see him as a good fit for a partner. I have communicated this to John, but he doesn’t believe me. He thinks my BF also fell for me, because he talked with me so often. John says no guy who just wants sex would talk to a girl so much if he didn’t also love her. Maybe he does love me. In the past, and recently, I’ve told John that it might actually be hot if one of the guys fell for me, because I know he can’t have me wholly. John always listened and agreed that it could be hot.
During this phase, John demanded that I find some girl for him to sleep with. He claims that it would make him feel better about it all. I actually agreed that it probably would help him feel better about my cheating. I have searched for a girl for him and thought I found a couple. One girl has had phone sex with him and sexted him, but it hasn’t gone further than that. John says he wouldn’t want to meet her because she’s mean. I get it. That’s why I wanted a boyfriend. It is SO much easier for girls to get laid on craigslist than it is for guys! So, still no luck there. My motives for finding a girl for him were/are: to get him to stop hating me; to get him to understand my feelings about my BF a bit better and honestly so he feels like a fool. Yes, you heard me. I want my husband to feel a false sense of justice. He will hopefully feel humbled by his actions, and only I will be able to help him through it. I’m so going to hell…
The hotwifing fantasy and the questions and the answers between John and I have continued, so I kept my relationship with my BF. I was a lot more careful and we did not talk as much. I even told him that John and I were having “issues” only I didn’t include the details, and that I needed to dial back on the communication. He totally understood and hoped for the best for me and John. Meanwhile, John told me he wanted me to see my BF again to get a better video. He said that in his head, it seems to make sense that it would help him feel better about the first encounter with him, like it would somehow rectify the event. I told him I didn’t know what to think about that. I was secretly enticed by this offer, but I wasn’t sure of his motives. Maybe he’d beat up my BF afterwards, maybe he was just trying to see if I’d do it, or maybe he really did need a better video. So after about a week of talking about it, I asked him “I don’t know if I believe you. Do you really want me to see him again to get a video? Honestly?” He answered “No, I don’t want you to.” My thoughts were confirmed. He was blowing smoke. I felt relieved and also disappointed at the same time.
So John and I continued to fix things between us, and eventually I had a “come to Jesus” moment and realized how selfish I was being for wanting to hold onto my BF so tightly. I needed to let him off my hook so I can fully focus on my real relationship with my husband!
February 3rd I told John I was going to end things with my boyfriend. He told me he didn’t want me to break it off with him but to just ignore him. So I really have been ignoring him and haven't spoken to him since January 29th. Honestly, it has been a bit painful, because I didn’t get any closure. But I’m trying to patch things up with John, and that’s what I truly want.
The week of Valentine’s Day, John has tried REALLY hard to help me around the house. He's been going through changes, trying to forgive me. I've made him feel appreciated for all the work he's done. But, one night, I tried giving him a bj, and he told me to just cuddle him (he doesn't remember that because he was half asleep). The next night, we fell asleep on the couch, woke up at 1:30 and moved to bed. He asked for a bj and I refused because I was too tired (wow was that a mistake). The night after that, we were watching This Is Us (SPOILER: about the part where Rebecca lied to Jack about her boss being her ex). We went to bed and I told him I was going to give him a bj, but he told me "It's okay, you don't have to". I kept trying but he told me "It's okay. Watching This Is Us has got me feeling a certain way." So I gave up. Then February 13th, we were watching The Walking Dead and I was messing around with his c**k. We went to bed, just because it was late. He has to wear a c-pap for his sleep apnea, and he had it on. Usually this means we're just going to bed, no hanky panky. But I played with him anyway, and asked why he was wearing that c-pap. I don't remember his answer. I kept my hand on his c**k, and I guess I was half asleep because he turned over and exclaimed "I guess I don't get a blowjob huh?" We proceeded to get into a huge fight. He literally yelled at me, and he never yells. He told me that I go off and have sex with someone else, and then I don't give him any sex or blowjobs for four days, and how terrible that makes him feel. He told me that I don't care, and that when I refused him a blowjob, that it was a power move, so I could feel in control. He thinks I like to make him feel small. I didn't agree with him, so I argued that it wasn't true. He called me names and yelled "Stop f****** arguing with me! I'm talking! Learn!" I tried to touch him and give him a quick massage, but he tensed up. I asked him if he wanted me to not touch him and he said "Yes!" So the next morning (Valentine's Day), he went straight down to his office and locked the door without a word. I brought him coffee, and set it outside his door and told him. He ignored me. Then I made him breakfast and brought it to him. He had our 10 month old infant in there with him (they were sharing breakfast) and I was going to take her to work with me, but he ignored me. So I just left. He is a capable parent and I trust him with our child. That move did not feel good, but I knew our infant would be fine. That night he surprised me by picking me up from work, with our child, and took me on a date. He was a total gentleman, sweet and talkative. It was very enjoyable. I knew he had been working through things and decided to put in an effort to forgive me.
Then later, in bed, I started getting frisky (after all, he has not had any sex or anything for four days. We do something pretty much every day). I told him about a dream I had the other night. I told him I dreamed that I was in a threesome with him and some other random guy. I told him in the dream, I had my legs wrapped around this guy while we were making out, as I was reaching underneath to feel his c**k. That was a bold move, telling him that, because lately I never know if he wants me to be fully open about the things I think about, or if he needs me to tell him how much I love him and how he is the only one for me. He's just been blowing hot and cold lately. But he took it well and got an erection. I found out that he didn't really know that the "boyfriend fantasy" was of my own conjuring. He told me that “It makes all the difference in the world!” Basically, he feels much less guilty about this fetish if things are my idea. I told him a detailed script of what the idealized boyfriend scenario meant to me. After talking dirty like that, he wanted to know something about me that I've been keeping from him (which is nothing). I told him there's nothing to tell, and he immediately stopped being horny. Remember what I do when he gets like this? I formulate a story. So this time I made up a story about how I was not a virgin when he met me. I told him my cousin and I had sex when I was 15. That is SO MUCH a lie, but he believed me. Then he came. Then "reality" sunk in. He kept telling me that it's okay if it's true, but he started having some kind of anxiety attack. I quickly told him I was lying, and none of that ever happened, and I told him facts to back it. He's always wondered about that cousin (which is why I used him in my story). Anyway, he calmed his emotions down, and told me that it was too much to deal with, while he's dealing with what I did in December. So, he told me he just wants me to himself and doesn't want to share me anymore. THEN he told me that if I did lots of stuff with my boyfriend (a lot & very often), it would have been easier to accept because it wouldn't be "new" anymore. It wouldn’t have a shocking effect. It would be easier to accept anything that he's "lost" because it happened so much. I said it makes sense since I've only ever had 6 encounters. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's what he told me. I told him I was very okay with being just his and stopping this whole thing.
I think the virgin thing is a big deal because it was a way of feeling like he has total claim with me (in a cute way, not like a gross "I own you" way). He has told me that if I hadn't been a virgin when we got together, he would have liked to know before he got serious with me so he could deal with it. But it would be much harder now to learn if I was not a virgin when we met (I was, so it's all good). If I convince him I was NOT a virgin, he would feel like he lost something. It's too much to deal with, in the midst of him dealing with the crap I did with my BF.
Our day to day, John and I are on pretty good terms. But when we "talk" at night (like pillow talk or dirty talk), it gets frustrating. Right now he's at the point where he thinks it's possible and quite probable I have done a whole bunch of cheating behind his back for many years. His reasoning behind this belief is that I waited 3 years to tell him about that kiss with the guy who shut the camera off. He thinks if I hid that from him, I could be hiding all sorts of worse things. He tells me he will be okay and forgive me if I come clean with everything. He says he just wants to move on, and feel like he can trust me. He wants to know me, all of me. I totally get that and I agree. The issue there is that I literally have told him everything I have ever done, ever. But whenever I tell him that, he shuts down and says "OK, I guess I'll just keep feeling like this then, until you can tell me." It makes me feel like just bulls****ing a couple stories of some guy who I hooked up with while I was pregnant or something. But then we'd be living/believing a lie, and base our future beliefs and actions on that! And he would continue believing that I am a liar and a cheater. So I probably will just tell him that he actually married a boring person, and that I’m not as scandalous as he thinks I am.
LAST THOUGHTS:
I believe my husband needs to feel in control. I actually think that's a big reason WHY he got into this fetish in the first place. If he is in control of my extramarital affairs, then maybe an actual affair wouldn't happen down the road without him knowing. This way he can control the situation and the pain that comes with it.
That girl from 2009, the guy from 2014 and my BF are examples of my infidelity and may in fact have helped lead John into this fetish. That’s one of his theories. He’s also told me that he never was interested in his previous wife or his f*** buddy entertaining this lifestyle. He said that he really got into the fantasy when he met me.
He has recently mentioned that during my pregnancy, he thought I was having a lot of sex with someone else. He noticed how horny and “open and wet” I was, and he was certain I was getting some on the side, and that is why he didn’t have sex with me much. Good Lord. That’s why I was being neglected?
All our recent talks about it, it seems to boil down to the control and being involved in every aspect. Moving forward, I don't know exactly what will happen with this fetish. I've always believed that no matter how much he might hate it in the moment, he will ALWAYS come back to it and like it again. That's how it's been after every single encounter. He might get mad at me for a period and get over it and want me to do it again. That's the part I hate, the rollercoaster of his feelings. I never know what he truly wants at any given time. On top of that, he is very sensitive. He can feel emasculated at times, which doesn't turn him on, which kind of goes against this whole fetish... Again, this is why I get so confused. Nothing really lines up. It's kind of like he wants to lose weight but he thinks it might be possible to do it by eating a dozen cupcakes. But then he resents those damn cupcakes for being so delicious and fattening at the same time. Idfk.
John says we wouldn’t be in this mess if I had just followed the rules. I guess he’s probably right about that.
I have suggested that we visit with a counselor, but he refuses to talk to someone else about our sex life.
John says that if I ever get pregnant with another guy, he would undoubtedly leave me.
John still wants me to find a girl for him. I do realize that betrayed spouses may lash out like this and want to be avenged. I agree it’s unhealthy and not favorable, but this is where we are. That’s how it is.
We want to stay together. But as John says, our relationship is hanging by a thread.
Thank you for taking the time to read about my secret life. I really would like some sound advice from people who have been there. Maybe you have been cuckolded and your wife “stretched boundaries” and hurt you. Maybe you are the deceitful hotwife like me. Someone out there must have some kind of counsel for moving on together. Questions are welcomed. Rude remarks are useless. Your experiences and words of wisdom are desperately desired.
