SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think yours works but it's best to leave all emotion out and try to make it as short as possible.

WW,

It is clear that you have chosen him. Moving forward, I know we both want what is best for the children. I'd like to get started on making living and childcare arrangements for them as soon as possible. Please send any thoughts you might have on this at your earliest convenience.

BS

I think I'd add this line from the previous poster.

When you return, we will be discussing co-parenting, separation, and divorce.

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:37 PM, March 10th (Saturday)]

Anon

Been following your story and am very sorry. Glad you are moving forward for yourself and the kids.

Please take this time to take WW stuff out of the martial bedroom. Maybe even put a new lock on the door. She has shown that She doesn't value it. Let her stay elsewhere in the house.

As others have said it is imperative that you get a VAR and keep it on you. She is capable of anything at this point. Even falsely accusing you of domestic violence just by getting you to raise your voice at her.

Please look out for your well being and that of your kids. They need a stable parent. Keep.the course, let everyone know the truth before she can come an lie and even manipulate others against you.

Nice response and on target. I do not know why you have not filed.

You can get the cost of the A as a depletion of marital assets but I am not sure if you try to R if you can later.

I would start notifying people regarding the A for support.

Just found he app she is communicating with him, actually I think it’s 2 different guys based on the appearance of their penises. Disgusting. Anyhow, she is going to see him (them) tomorrow.

She is still texting me about coming home a couple days early. I am ignoring. So I ask, let her have A, or blow it up with the text about divorce? This is obviously not going to go the way I thought it would. Maybe I just need to ambush her when she gets home with the divorce filing.

found he app she is communicating with him, actually I think it’s 2 different guys based on the appearance of their penises. Disgusting. Anyhow, she is going to see him (them) tomorrow.

She is still texting me about coming home a couple days early. I am ignoring. So I ask, let her have A, or blow it up with the text about divorce? This is obviously not going to go the way I thought it would. Maybe I just need to ambush her when she gets home with the divorce filing.

If it were me I'd send her what you're seeing and tell her papers will be waiting on her return and then I'd block her on everything.

If you can't make a decision now you are in for an even worse time. Tell your kids the truth in a steriled way. It's time you stood up and quit trying to figure out how to fix her. You're doing yourself or your family no good living this way.

I'd expose to her family as well

[This message edited by Marz at 9:55 PM, March 10th (Saturday)]

I am a lawyer and former prosecutor.

Do not assume you know the facts. The safest assumption in this case is, sorry to say, to assume facts in the least favorable light you can imagine.

Do not bother making any statements relative to the marriage at all - they actually convey desperation. This is how I would respond:

Please send me your preferences for childcare arrangements as soon as possible.

Trust me: shorter and to the point is better. The only focus should be on communicating the consequences in as factual a manner as possible.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 10:17 PM, March 10th (Saturday)]

I am with redsox on this one.

And once you get things really rolling with your attorney (assuming here you are moving forward with D ASAP - I'm a bit unclear from your posts where you are in this process - papers already drawn up and ready to be served?), the best response for just about every issue would be: "talk to my attorney."

It will help keep you safe in so many ways.

Sending much strength your way.

Personally, if it were me I’d simply tell her:

“I understand you are spending inappropriate time with another man during the remainder of your trip. When you return we can discuss the dissolution of our marriage and all that entails.

Take your time coming home. I no longer care.

Anon”

And then I’d have D papers ready to serve upon her return.

Oh and I would tell her family that you are worried for her and your marriage because you have proof that she is having an affair with a man in NZ.

Use RedSox’s message. Also take the advice to reach out to family ASAP. Get busy filing, she’s not remorseful so you really only have one option.

Yes, the moment I saw what you wrote, redsox13, it was the clear winner. She started sending me e-mail asking why I haven’t loved her for years (trap!) and asking why I won’t answer her texts, and if I’m saying I want a D.

I am now 100% committed to D. The friend she is staying with is also PM’ing me, but I’m in no contact mode since I told her my life was “in transition”. Today I have to work but I’ll start contacting her family just to let them know my concern because she stole the kids money and ran away to NZ for an affair.

Or, you could try this:

WW,

*crickets*

BS

There is no need to go back and forth via email. Just keep getting yourself prepared here so you can do what you need to do when you are face to face.

Anon,

Do not engage in her justification.

If you wanted to aswer her MSM about comming early , just put something like:

Dont bother, there is nothing if oír family left. hope OMs worth It.

Expose yo her family or friends that can pick her up at the airport. Let them know what she has done and that may be suicidal , so thrugh can take care if her.

Good luck

1) What is the friend saying?

2) What you wrote is not bad! It shows me that you're really getting this! Very 180esque. And I think if you were to send it just as written, it's pretty good. I think what you've written is better than some of the suggested edits.

Everything that redsox13 has said is important and you should listen to that.

3)

Should I inform her family of details,

Exposure to "stakeholders" in your marriage (family and close friends), and especially the OBS if there is one, is often recommended, especially because once exposed, the A (often) starts to feel less and less like a good idea for the WS. But it's also just living honestly on your part. Many a BS has eaten their own insides out by keeping the A a secret in order to somehow "save face."

In general what's happening in your marriage shouldn't be a *secret* that you keep. As you're learning, secrets are no good.

Do you know the full name of the OM?

4) This is really important, Anon. You should get one of these asap.

5)

Just found he app she is communicating with him, actually I think it’s 2 different guys based on the appearance of their penises.

You're screenshotting and documenting everything, right?

I like crickets or redsox message. Do you have a VAR for when she returns? Too many men have had fake DV charges thrown at them by WW that were angry about being caught in an affair.

I would expose to her family to see if they can pick her up at the airport and keep her while you "work-out" child care issues. Let them know that she is having an affair (or two) but focus on how she needs them right now as she is making suicidal comments, acting crazy and that you are worried about the kids.

Friend said little of consequence... I still don’t think she knows. I don’t want to tell her until WW is with the OM because i think it’s WW choice and don’t want to influence or manipulate her (that’s WW’s thing!).

I don’t know OM’s name, but I did take screenshots of his wang (omg retinas burned).

I think I’m learning here, but I’m still hurting a lot. Part of me wants to stop WW from doing this horrible destructive thing she is doing, but I recognize she won’t listen to me. I realize that if I tell her I know what she’s about to do or I tell her friend or I PM the OM I could stop her from cheating this moment; but as others have said I’ll just be back here in 6 months.

6 months? I dont think so. She didnt last a week since you confronted her.

If you keep doing the same you are getting the same. Stop chaising her, stop talking to her.start acting and she Will be the one chaising you.

Bye, her friends knows. If not SH should! Stop casting what your WW thinks

Anon

Ask her friend to stop texting you about WW, to stop justificante her Afair. That if she dientes belives you she should ask your WW wvy she goles yo Auckland. If her Next text is Sorry, she no knows, ir Next text is same shit, nos you know she is supporing the A.

Take your attorneys advice and do NOT unnecessarily communicate with her OR her friend. It serves no purpose. You should be taking actions that serve a specific purpose towards achieving getting our of infidelity. Texting with the friend is a no win and serves your objective in no way.

Your last post:

I think I’m learning here, but I’m still hurting a lot. Part of me wants to stop WW from doing this horrible destructive thing she is doing, but I recognize she won’t listen to me.

This shows a great deal of newly found strength and wisdom, even though it comes with pain. Stay this course. You can NOT make her do the right thing or enlighten her to a new epiphany of self awareness. You can't. Stay strong. Let her play out what she wants to do based on her own choices and then you make your choices based in what you observe.

You have much support here.

[This message edited by DIFM at 10:02 AM, March 11th (Sunday)]

You are correct you have no control over her at all but you can take away any control she has over you as well.

Go your own way. Like she did.