SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The lawyer had even written the email for me so I could just make some adjustments. Yes, he is worth his $280/hr.

That was fast... just received an e-mail back from WW stating we needed to talk, she is 100% committed to us, and she “loves and misses [me] desperately”. I take it this is more fear than remorse?

-Anon

No, this is her getting a reality slap to her fantasy world.

Had you given her the D papers the day before she left, she may have postponed the trip, maybe.

Most likely she's in self preservation mode, that's all.

At best she may have some regret. Just know, words right now don't mean diddly.

I think fear is a good word for it. She fears that her comfortable lifestyle is about to be disrupted.

Affairofpast and Golden speak the truth!!!!

she is 100% committed to us

If she were 100% committed she wouldn't have gone on this trip and if she really means this she would be arranging to get home right now.

She is going to SAY a lot of things now. You need to see what she DOES. That is much more important. As the saying goes "talk is cheap".

You are starting to take control and it will pay off for you. Don't give away that control with the first nice words she says to you.

Exactly. You are about to be told more stories than Dr Seuss did. And I agree, just the fact that she’s not telling you she’s on the next flight home tells you that you are not the most important person in the world. Until her actions match her words you don’t have much of anything.

I hope though that the reaction you got to this one little email both give you some hope that you can take control and also a realization that everything the posters here have been trying to tell you from their wealth of knowledge and experience is all true and does work.

I recommend you go back and reread this entire thread. I’d also think it prudent that when she finally does show up back on this side of the pacific, you have ready both a list of requirements for you to even consider trying R (that your review with all of us) and printed out divorce papers to show her.

Oh and they are not separate paths. I think most here would suggest having her served and then tell her that the if she wants the process to stop she better get started on that list, because you’re gonna get out of her infidelity one way or another. Which way depends on her.

It seems you’re starting to finally turn a corner, I hope that’s true.

I wish you good luck.

If she were 100% committed she wouldn't have gone on this trip and if she really means this she would be arranging to get home right now.

Yup, this right here!!!

Seems like you are not for grated any more..

What does your lawyer says about talking to her? I thinks is a bad idea.

Now is time to expose, this way she can not manipulate friends and relatives and atte the same time she Will have all help she may need if feels suicidal.

Donde belive a thing she says. She is a proven lyer.

Do not say you forgive her, before know and verify what you are supose to forgive.

Do not decide tomar R until you are stable. Sony make any promisses.

Keep the D going, you dont know her anymore.

Nevera reveal how much you know, never revel your sources.

Take your time.

Be pretty clear that maybe she choose you, but your are the one deciding if you would choose her based on the líes and behavior.

Ask her yo come clean, just to ser if she is R material. Ask her yo triw OM undergrownd the bus, to expose yo the OMSO.

The must important thing, dont let her blame you for the A, dont let her blame the marriage as you were ok the same and didnt cheat.

Protector your kids from her lies.

Be strong, belive It ir not you just made the first real step to save your marriage. I Hope you can see It. Maybe in dime time you wont want It any more.

Good luck

That was fast... just received an e-mail back from WW stating we needed to talk, she is 100% com

Cheater script. She thought you could be played and walked on. Or other man wasn't as great as she thought.

Just words nothing more

She is rescheduling her flight home, no specific info yet but Wednesday was mentioned so she would only have 2 days with him instead of 4. The lawyer said to keep it business like, unemotional, and about the kids. I have been ignoring her texts thus far.

I only wonder if there is something I can say to get her to come home immediately... probably not.

-Anon

I only wonder if there is something I can say to get her to come home immediately... probably not.

No No No No No No No!!!!!!!

She already has a choice to come home immediately and plenty reason to. If you have to think of even more that will get her to come home immediately, you are staying in the trap.

Take the wise counsel from the experience of those here and the attorney you are paying to give you counsel. Let her actions speak for her.

I only wonder if there is something I can say to get her to come home immediately... probably not.

Manipulation tactics to try and get her to be the woman you want her to be won't work man.

At least not long and then you'll get to go through this again.

There's is a better life out of infidelity but you have to walk through the door to get it.

If not you'll linger where you are. She won't mind a bit.

Better wake up to your long term reality.

[This message edited by Marz at 7:05 PM, March 9th (Friday)]

I have a very good friend whose wife said she regretted getting married and having children. She left and for years traveled the world. Years later she got married again but has little to do with her children.

I think you need to stop listening to what she says and look at what she has done. Leaving the country for an affair is no small thing. It is spitting in your face.

She might have had ppd, but she also might be bipolar or she might just be a cheater.

You have to decide what you can live with but it sounds like torture to me.

"That was fast....just received an email back from WW stating we needed to talk, she is 100% committed to us, and she "loves me desperately".

To

"She is rescheduling her flight home, no specific info yet but Wednesday was mentioned so she WOULD ONLY HAVE 2 DAYS WITH HIM INSTEAD OF 4".

Sounds like commitment to me

First of all, I love this lawyer. This is clearly a person who has seen this sort of thing many times before.

That was fast... just received an e-mail back from WW stating we needed to talk, she is 100% committed to us, and she “loves and misses [me] desperately”. I take it this is more fear than remorse?

Someone above said this is just a line from the cheater's "script." Yep. This is why it was predicted that she would say something almost 100% exactly like this after you communicated 180-style. You can find that prediction earlier in the thread.

You seem really on board with following the advice here, so I hope this is confirmation for you that it will serve you very well to follow it to a T. The people here (and apparently your lawyer!) know what's happening to you *so well* that they can tell you what she's likely to do and say before it even happens.

Anyway, yeah. Not remorse. A thing people having affairs say almost immediately when they get hit with a dose of reality. It's not a bad sign, but also not necessarily good. It's just part of the script.

What this means for you: DO NOT CAVE. At this point, stay the course no matter what she says. You need to stay 100% in 180 mode. Things have just turned a corner for you and you're on the verge of complete control of this situation. You don't want to lose that.

#30 from my favorite 180 list (found here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11): Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see.

I only wonder if there is something I can say to get her to come home immediately... probably not.

If you truly want to regain control of your situation, then you need to be completely disinterested in when she comes home. Seriously. I know you're agonizing, and you can agonize in private and process that stuff with us (or an IC -- do you have an IC?). You're not showing her that side of you right now. You don't ask, argue, get disappointed...NOTHING. Nothing in your words or voice inflection (if you somehow end up on the phone) should indicate that you have any positive or negative interest in when she comes home. It is a complete non-issue to you.

Best to continue to not respond at all. See where that gets you in another 24 hours. I bet you'll be happy with the results.

Anon, it's a pretty shitty whirlwind, huh? But you're doing great. Seriously. Keep it up.

I only wonder if there is something I can say to get her to come home immediately... probably not.

If she really was 100% committed to saving the marriage the note from you/lawyer combined with you going NC should be enough to come home immediately.

With all due respect:

That was fast... just received an e-mail back from WW stating we needed to talk, she is 100% committed to us, and she “loves and misses [me] desperately”. I take it this is more fear than remorse?

Why does someone who is 100% committed deliberately fly away from the person she misses desperately to be with a man who welcomes her with crossed balls? She knows she has been busted, and she is in full-on bullshit mode. She loves you so much that she flew to New Zealand to be with another man? Or did you force her onto the plane?

Here's a question: how many times have you proved your commitment by leaving your wife to fly to the other side of the world to meet a woman who tells you she has crossed her tits that you arrive soon? Once? Twice? Several times? Or never?

Who forced this deeply committed woman to go to New Zealand? Was it you? The guilty party should be named. Or did she go voluntarily and happily? Hard to reconcile that with a person saying she misses you desperately when she is the one who who spent your kids' college fund to fly out to meet her boyfriend in New Zealand.

I only wonder if there is something I can say to get her to come home immediately... probably not.

Yes, there is. "If you do not fly home immediately, I am cutting you off financially, and your boyfriend will have to pay for your flights to New Zealand, rather than our children". Why encourage her to come home? Why not encourage her to remain in New Zealand, and let the OM pay to support her? She may suddenly find that he is a lot less interested in her. At which point she will have to fly home to the person who funds her affairs.

It's Friday, and she thinks she can manage to come home 5 days from now, cutting her marriage-destroying trip only two days short? I give that an F.

Remember that your value to her is the security and stability you provide. That’s why she wants you back. You didn’t suddenly become hot to her and she didn’t suddenly discover how much she loves you.

Anon I sent you a PM