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Oh boy Anon.

Really don't have anything other than to send you lots of strength.

Anon, what message do you expect her to get by ignoring her at times? You have witnessed the sexting and all that she does with the OM and the NZ trips were organized and centered all around the OM. By holding onto 180, where are you trying to get? Or wait for remorse to kick in ? Trying to make her feel somethings are not right? She knows exactly what she did and now she is back in the safety of your providing. Now I am not telling you to go fullforce on D but by not confronting soon, you might find yourself in an awkward situation. By awkward I mean the distancing of yourself from her over a period of days that might stretch out to weeks and underneath there is a time-bomb ticking (the evidence for the A). Yes, acting from a position of strength is important and vital to take control of the situation but IMHO it makes sense to do so only after full confrontation after which the WS sees clearly the possible consequences of her/his actions. Sending you strength and patience.

Stop living in infidelity.

She's done nothing except shed a few tears for herself.

You still appear to be asleep at the wheel

Better wake up

Anon:

It appears you have your head on straight and you have a plan. Keep on, keeping on.

I worry for you. You seem to be letting your codependency get in the way of what you need to do. Her having access and power with the checkbook seems so dangerous at this point. I mean this whole funding her affair trips and no unilaterally by tickets for Scottish reconciliation trip, that can't be the best for your kids. You have to take this bull by the horn. You really can't let your apparent unrequited love get in the way of doing what's best for the entire family. Because really if you wait and see and she really hurts the family any more, that seems like it will be your fault at that point. You've seen her entire hand.

At the very least, let OM know who she really is, not the made-up version. It's a start.

Her tears were not a start at remorse. She's still in affair mode and trying to placate you.

What you describe as doing the 180, moving on with your life but not divorcing is really rugsweeping.

Please don't settle for this life. Look out for yourself.

I agree with Justincase....

Even if you do it from some anonymous email/Facebook account let him know who she truely is.. a MARRIED woman who is a stay at home mom that stole money from her kids to come see him!

1) This was at least a half-hearted attempt at remorse

No. It was a whole hearted attempt at manipulation. Don't buy into it for a moment.

I disagree with letting her boyfriend know. It’s a game.

She is now playing games, and frankly anon is playing games.

Anon. She is not remorseful. You know that. We know that. She knows that.

What you need to do is follow your lawyers advice. You were going to have divorce papers ready when she arrived but he suggested a small cooling off period. That cooling off period has come and past.

Once you’ve filed there is no room for games. If she wants to spend the months leading up to divorce attacking the problem with crocodile tears then that is her prerogative, but it is not going to work. She may figure it out, she may not. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do absent of stressing her need to go to IC at this point.

She’s a grown woman. She made the conscious choice to terminate your marriage. Likewise she’d have to make the conscious choice to try to save something.

This is tough love, but you need to file. You will enter into a death spiral otherwise and the first people hurt will be the children.

I am a supporter of 180. This is not time for 180. This is time for blowing up the whole charade and ramming it head on with a determined, mindful, smart, angry force that a man having been cuckolded should be able to muster.

If remorse was a person, they would have charged you with slander. Her tears are nothing remotely close to signs of remorse.

180, if you want it, comes after the ugly and premeditated cruelty of the truth is exposed.

I, like others are trying to understand your game plan and your reason for that game plan. I get that you don't like confrontation, that you have an extremely stressful job, that finances are at their worst, that the kids are your number one concern, that you need a cooling off period because she seems so so ?off? (not sure what word to use). If you are using the 180 to get a grip on what's going on, and get your ducks in a row that's fine. You've told the kids, some of her family, seen a lawyer... so you aren't stagnate. We just want to make sure that long term 180 (limbo) is not your goal. Many people here use the 180 to enable them to detach enough from their WW to be able to file. Using the 180 inorder to rugsweep or as an end game does not work...it's not healthy for you, her or the kids. The kids will see think this is a normal marriage and it will cause problems for them growing up.

She then told me she bought tickets for us to fly to Scotland for our anniversary in July a “couple months ago” (I saw the confirmation email come through her old phone last week while on the A). I told her we had about $25 to our names and we had to take this day by day

So, we know what her game plan is. While sleeping around with other men she made a reservation for your anniversary....then lied about when she made that reservation. She plans to rugsweep, "a fun vacation will make it all better".

If you need to take small steps while doing the 180 that's fine but make sure your next step is to cancel those reservations and get a grip on her spending. At least make this a consequence of her taking the kids money and going to NZ (4 times!)It also sounds like the kids are old enough that your WW could get a job. This would be another great consequence to her Affair and would help if/when you file.

I also want to reiterate that none of this is your fault. Not sharing horrendous work experiences with a woman that isn't handling SAHM stress very well seems kind not abusive.

[This message edited by Freeme at 7:03 AM, March 18th (Sunday)]

She has been home for nearly 24 hours. Do I confront her and ask her to tell me about the A from the beginning? Should I use a mediator to do this? I would expect lies and half truths and if this were the case I would file for D. I will contact my lawyer Monday morning no matter what. Her spending needs to be curbed. I asked her to stop spending last night because we can’t pay the mortgage. The lawyer said he would have suggestions for this. Yes, the trip needs to be cancelled (btw I need a vacation!)

I was surprised she did not mention the new sheets, her phone missing, and the large bag of sorted affair artifacts with her buttplugs on top.

I think she knows the jig is up. However, we are playing games and I want that to stop. She will try to figure out how to take control back (she is so disgusting to me ATM her usual methods won’t work). I am thinking at the moment I will ask her for a timeline of the A and for NC, and will file for D if not satisfied. Any thoughts?

[This message edited by anon789 at 7:42 AM, March 18th (Sunday)]

Tonight after the kids went to bed she came over to me and started to cry (there were even a few tears). She told me how sorry she was and that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. She said seeing her friend’s parents made her miss her dead parents (sympathy play FTW!). She then told me she bought tickets for us to fly to Scotland for our anniversary in July a “couple months ago” (I saw the confirmation email come through her old phone last week while on the A).

A few thoughts from me.

1) This was at least a half-hearted attempt at remorse.

Sorry, but this isn't anything close to remorse. At most, it's regret. Notice that "you're the best thing that ever happened to her" only comes out of her mouth AFTER she's returned from her 4th fuck-fest in NZ/OZ. AFTER she knows that she shouldn't have gone. A few crocodile tears isn't remorse. You should know that by now.

Maybe her British alter-ego will come in handy for the trip to Scotland?

You do realize that she's using you to bankroll her fantasy life at your kids' expense, right? Cancel the damn plane tickets and use the funds to file. She needs to get a job, since she's doing a shitty job at being a SAHM, when she's even in the country. If you aren't willing to break the cycle, it's obvious that she won't. Why would she? What consequences has she received for living the single life? Virtually NONE.

I do not understand. She bought make up tickets to

Scotland before she went down under.

Ask for a timeline, have lawyer file.

Filings can be delayed or cancelled but the

filing will be a big wake up call for WW.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 7:43 AM, March 18th (Sunday)]

The games stop when you decide they stop, Anon.

They stop when you set down the dice, remove your top hat from the board, and put the Monopoly money away.

They stop when you focus on walking away rather than waiting on her to make you feel better about yourself.

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 7:55 AM, March 18th (Sunday)]

Your "I will"s have turned into "I would"s when it comes to filing.

Does the marriage seem salvageable to you? Or are you just avoiding the stress of divorce?

I think she knows the jig is up. However, we are playing games and I want that to stop. She will try to figure out how to take control back (she is so disgusting to me ATM her usual methods won’t work). I am thinking at the moment I will ask her for a timeline of the A and for NC, and will file for D if not satisfied. Any thoughts?

No real action from you. She is still in control.

She's bankrupting you, cheating with another man and you are still paralyzed. Like many your fear is ruling you at the moment. If you can't fix that you'll wallow in this awhile.

She put you where you are but you are the one keeping you there.

Just trying to bring some clarity. If your plan is to simply move on with your life and do the 180, and take trips by yourself and continue to live as roommates in limbo and not divorce as you stated you planned to do, you do not need a NC letter or a timeline or details of the A because no matter what she reveals or whether she shows remorse or not you intend to stay with her. She has no motivation to change and she can begin planning trip number 5 to NZ.

If your intent is to move out of infidelity and have a healthy and loving family with your WW she has a lot of work to do. Demanding a NC letter, an honest timeline and details of the A is appropriate if this is your goal. If she wants to save the marriage she should do these things willingly. If she is not willing and remorseful and you are not satisfied with her attitude or responses file for D. This may shock her into action. Maybe not. You have to be willing to risk the marriage to save it. She should go to IC to figure out why she goes outside the marriage to resolve issues.

It all depends on what you want. Do you want to live in limbo as roommates taking separate vacations and putting up appearances for your children and family and friends with ongoing infidelity, or do you want to move out of infidelity.

“I know on your trip you met up with Alan Asshat and you went to Australia with him. I know you have been sleeping with him.

I just emailed him and told him your real name, that you are my wife, that you are not a Dr and that you are not British.

I told him we are still married.

Then I emailed his wife and told her everything I know.

There will be no more trips out of the country for you. I have turned off your credit card and access to our bank account.

I have told your family what you have done. They are very disappointed and concerned.

This week you will be receiving divorce papers from my lawyer.

I will be proceeding with terminating the marriage that you have ended.

If while this is happening you decide that you want to do something to save our marriage I am providing you this list of things I absolutely need to see in order to consider trying reconciliation with you. It will take years of hard work. Frankly I doubt you are up to it, but it’s up to you to prove me wrong.

You are either done philandering around the world or done being my wife. I’m following the path for the latter until I hear differently from you.

From this point forward we will only communicate about our children and only when circumstances require that we do.

Here is that list. “

Conditions of Reconciliation (customize as appropriate)

1) Together we write a No Contact letter that we send to your new boyfriend. No signs of affection toward him will be relayed at all. It will Be matter of fact and remove him from your life forever.

2) NO CONTACT. Meaning you quit your job and find another so you can never see him or run into him again. Real ghosting. Blocking him from everything. If He tries to contact you then you do not respond and you tell me. If he persists our lawyer will send him a cease and desist.

3) You write out a full timeline of your Affair. Every little detail. Each day you communicated, what was said, even if you were inappropriate and raunchy. The days you were alone together, the physically touching. What you touched, what he touched, how long, and what you said to each other. All sex acts are described. Every single thing. I need to know the truth before I can try and reconcile from it. We will sit together and review it and you’ll openly answer questions about it. You know the truth, I need to know it as well as you do if we are going to have a chance to save this marriage.

4) You'll write me a letter of apology explaining why you think you did what you did and what it would mean to you to have me stay and work on the marriage. It should include how you think you made me feel during all this time.

5) Once we have reviewed the timeline and letter you will agree to a polygraph to confirm you have told me the truth.

6) We will both do Individual Counseling. You to figure out why you were willing and able to go beyond our marriage vows. And me to work thru the pain you have caused me.

7) At a later point we will start Marriage Counseling to work on what was missing from the Marriage. But only after we both work on ourselves first.

8) Expose. The true nature of the affair will be exposed to both our families and appropriate close friends. They need to be able to help us make it thru this Reconciliation. Doing this alone with just the two of us and no one else knowing is doomed for failure. If you are truly Remorseful you will be the one to admit what you have done. I will be there to let them know that even though they are probably mad at you for what you have done but I ask that they support you as a couple while you are trying to work through this painful time in your marriage.

9) If your boyfriend has a wife or Girlfriend you will help me contact this spouse. You will not warn him about this as that would be breaking No Contact and if you do we are through.

10) Intimacy will be on my terms. Whatever I need to heal in whatever fashion you deem necessary. You cannot be forced to do anything you don’t want to, however, I have the right to decide if denying me the intimacy I need is a deal breaker for me.

11) We will look into implementing a postnup that ensures my financial security and terms of parenting if you ever cheat again.

12) You will provide open access to all your technology from now on. On demand. No time to delete stuff. I will agree to do the same. If you dont then I assume you are obviously more interested in having secrets than continuing your Marriage.

13) No more going out without each other unless otherwise approved. Confirming your whereabouts and who you are with will be required as needed.

14) No more meeting alone with a man. No lunches, dinners, drinks whatever. Social Happy Hours (outside of actual work functions) are to be attended together or not attended at all.

15) We both will do reading on infidelity and we will use them to discuss our marriage. This includes materials such as "Not just friends" and "how to help your spouse heal from your affair”

16) STD testing for both of us with Visual proof of the results is required.

17) No new affairs. If so D papers will be served immediately. No lies about relationships with others any more. If so we are done.

18) Any questions about the affair are to be answered honestly for the rest of our lives together.

19) No conversations about our marriage or any other marriage with another man/woman unless we discuss it first and I confirm that it’s ok to talk to that specific person about it.

20) No one comes in to our home without both us knowing.

21) Communication- No secrets, no matter how hard it will be to hear. Discuss all attractions. Discuss all third party attention. Discuss all feelings good and bad. Be honest with yourself and aware of your feelings, then communicate that to your spouse.

22) We don't do anything in absence of one another that we wouldn't do in the others presence.

23) we work to show each other moments of tenderness, acts of passion, the creation of new memories, all thru time spent together.

24) You drop any friends or family members that encouraged or helped you hide the affair. Complete NC with them.

25) Ownership of your actions during your affair and no more blameshifting or excuses for your actions.

26) I need to be treated better than your boyfriend. Whatever you did for him you will have to go further for me. We together will discuss what that means.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:00 AM, March 18th (Sunday)]

Anon,

Gently Anon, Your questions have been answered many, many times here (20 pages worth) and lots of people have given you well thought out advice on what to do.

It seems as if you are stuck - stuck in infidelity. Your wheels are spinning. You know what you NEED to do to get out of infidelity, but you’re not actually ready to DO anything yet. It seems easier to you to keep asking questions to which you already know the answers.

I am so sad for you and your family. Life in your house must be incredibly hard right now.

However, The fact that she has been home 24 hours and you still havent confronted her defies credulity. I am starting to wonder about a lot of odd things I have read the last 20 pages...

Just one question, how did she get home from the airport? I must have missed that.

[This message edited by Ginny at 9:49 AM, March 18th (Sunday)]