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The conversation I had with my wayward wife on D-Day already addressed some of the most important issues (her regret, apology, and her love for and recommitment to me and our family). But, a month later, I’m the one with urges of “hysterical bonding” while she remains physically aloof. After I read about HD and the 180 info in the FAQ/LIB, I’ve pulled back...choosing to focus on long-term goals.

I guess what I’m really wondering is: What actually is a Reclaim Day? Here, I could see how gender & perception could play a heavy role. I’d bet that she (WW), would see Day 1 or 2 as our R-Day, but - in my mind - we’re still not “reclaimed” until our words are also consummated physically.

Was your R-Day just words & emotions OR physical too?

I suspect for most people there is no single reclaim "day". I think it happens very very very gradually.

Even though I had sex with my H pretty soon after both DDays, they were for reasons that were far from forgiveness or for starting fresh. I don't think it happens so suddenly like that.

If you are defining a reclaim day as the first time you have sex again, that's fine, but I doubt it would mean the M is suddenly fixed.

Nah, I know it’s going to be a long haul. I saw a bunch of R-Day dates on some posts & I was just curious about what constitutes an R-Day. I’m sure it’s all subjective.

Thanks for the reply. I hope you guys are doing well.

I'm not entirely sure of your circumstances. I would be wary. From my personal experience women who are physically aloof after DDay are still at the very least in contact with the AP. Certainly still emotionally connected. My WW lied constantly about this for 2 months after DDay and avoided me physically whilst telling me she loved me. We had to separate in the end because I just knew in my heart she still had eyes for him.

Not just WW's but WH's too, StevieJ.

My H was hot and cold about sex between DDay1 and DDay2, mostly cold. Because come on, he was still screwing the OW. Hard to come home and screw your wife if you just got a BJ from your AP.

Sadly, I think this is mostly true for WS. If they have a hard time being physically intimate, it is not a good sign. I agonized over it (was I not pretty enough? Sexy enough? Anything enough?) until I figured out they were still in contact.

It's been a long road but since real NC, my H has gradually become more intimate. Since then he has always "been able" to be physically intimate with me if you know what I mean (and regularly could not before DDay2). And in the last few weeks, he has wanted to have sex a LOT more. It isn't the only thing that makes me believe we are in real R, but it is one of them.

I think after a period of time of real R, some couples choose to sit down and say, ok, we are making it. Let's mark this day as the first day of the rest of our new M.

I would very much doubt you are there yet but everyone is different. I wish the very best for you.

My W expressed a desire to stay together an hour after revealing her A. She started immediately to do the work - going NC, answering questions, getting therapeutic support for both of us, collecting A-related artifacts so they could be discarded, not answering ow's calls or texts, eventually changing her phone number when it dawned on us she could do that, etc..

I wanted to R immediately, but I didn't commit for 90 days. I did immediately start doing my part to rebuild our relationship. So I've been in Reconciliation since 90 days after d-day, but I've been working on the M since d-day.

At some point, around 4 years out, I took stock and decided I had completed R, even though my W hadn't completely recovered. I don't remember the date. IMO R = M. In R, the issues affecting the M are related to the A. When those issues get resolved, the M still has to deal with day to day issues. IMO, the key element in M is resolving issues, and that's what R is about, so R=M.

One of the things I did early on was decide on my requirements for R. One of those was sex - my W could say 'no' if she really didn;t want sex, but if she was uncertain about wanting/not wanting sex when offered, she had to choose 'yes'. She also had to initiate sometimes. We both were free to stop in the middle if we weren't feeling it.

Very important: she freely agreed to treat sex that way. It worked very well for us.

My thinking is that a WS who isn't into sex with her BS is not committed to R, unless there's some physical/pharmacological impediment. I don;t know if your W is in actual contact with her ap, but I do think her head is not with you. R requires the full commitment of both partners.

As you're finding out, you can't do it alone.

BTW, the 180 is for BSes with unremorseful WSes who can't detach from the WS. It is NOT a tool for R.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:11 AM, March 9th (Friday)]

R-Day is tricky (at least for me.) I don't think it happens in an instant. At the beginning (you're still early in) there are so many emotions, I don't think one can actually think straight. My WH had emotional problems so R took a backseat to his mental wellbeing. But I was angry and heartbroken so I don't think I was making rational choices for myself. He was apologetic and regretful as well. Our sex life was great, but in itself that was meaningless as we were hysterical bonding.

I always thought R meant Reconciliation Day myself, but Reclaim Day is better! R-Day went back and forth and I don't think it was until about four months in that I made a choice to have a goal of staying in a marriage, but a marriage that was better than the one we were in before D-Day.

This might be one of those issues with so many factors that it’s hard for an outside party to assess.

We have spent a lot of days “reclaiming” things, but the truth is we were doing that during false R, too. If I’m being honest about myself personally, I would not be out of Investigation yet if I were you. Do you know where she is and what she’s doing? Is there any way for her to hide things? Are you talking often about her feelings about your physical relationship and getting the full picture of what she wants and expects now and in the future?

I mean I could make a list a mile long for reasons why she might not be interested in sex but the most likely is still that she has an emotional attachment to her AP, as was suggested. Is she in IC? Have you told her about SI? Is she working on other parts of the relationship and showing you that your needs are paramount to her?

A BH must verify NC is still in place long after

D day for many a WW back slide and takes several

attempts for the WW to no longer break NC.

On to HB. HB does not happen to everyone. HB does

not happen right after D day. HB can takes many

months before it starts. HB lasts about six months.

Though some have said HB went on for one year. A

handful have said HB never stopped.

Many a WS can be left with issues that makes them

not want to have sex. None of them mean that the WS

is still banging their AP.

It can be that they are so disgusted by their

affair, what the did during their affair, who

they were during their affair. Grief for the

loss of their AP. Yes they do grieve. Even when

they know that the affair and their AP are not

worth grieving. Remember they convinced themselves

through false justification that they were just to

have an affair.

They now have t re-wire their brain to realize

and to admit to themselves how wrong their affair

was and the damage they did.

Wanting sex got them into this mess. Their mind

says now that sex is bad and they do not want it.

Though if they could think straight they would

see how sex in the right context is good and that

how healing HB would be.

I’ve never heard of an R day. Reconciliation to me is a process. There wasn't a "day" where I decided I wanted to R. It was a gradual acceptance that he was doing the work and divorce would be held off on, while I watched his actions and assessed his display of honesty and remorse.

[This message edited by sassylee at 3:30 PM, March 9th (Friday)]

I experienced HB with my husband. Your heart is longing in so many ways for reassurrance that she loves you and is there for you. Your head has heard her words, but your heart has to see it in her actions. You want her physical responses to match her words, you want to know she is sorry,you are loved and your family is safe. THIS IS NORMAL for you to feel this way.

For a woman sex is very much linked to emotional connection, are you talking indepth, are you pouring out your heart to her, are you able to allow her to open her heart to you, remembering she is probably feeling wracked with guilt. If you can both let your hearts open to each other, the sex should follow.

There is a chance she is still in contact with OM, you need to make sure she is full NC so that your healing can truly begin.

I am going to write an indepth post of my own experience of HB, because it's such a huge part of affair recovery.

wishing you all the best, I hope you manage to reconnect with your wife, i can hear in your words that you love her.

Hysterical bonding is totally normal but it is not a requirement for healing. I didn't want my husband to hold my hand let alone be physically intimate immediately post dday. It took me time and intention and about 3 months of working up from holding his hand to even attempt it. And then it was strained and grief tore through us every time for a while.

17 months out and we are doing really well, we have sex that is physically phenomenal and emotionally fulfilling, we communicate better than ever and on most days we are happier than we were pre-A.

I say this just to let you know even if you and your wife don't have hysterical bonding because she is reluctant it doesn't mean you can't heal.