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Not sure what I am waiting for. But some sort of sign I suppose. A proclamation of sorts. WH is out of the fog and doing the work. The teen at home only mentions the A when acting out to get her way and play us against each other. WH and I present as a united front and it dies down quickly.

We go on dates. We are rebuilding. But the grief is still there. I know this is a marathon and not a sprint but every day I feel so alone in my grief. Some days the grief is a mild undercurrent and others it is front and center. Roller coaster – I get it. Part of the process.

I have a milestone birthday later this year. Part of me is wanting a grand gesture of sorts from WH. A cook out/ a party – something where he shows our little world of family and friends that I really am the center of his universe, that I am important, that I am worthy and enough. Photos to be taken of good times and good memories to be made.

The other part of me wants to hide my head in the sand the entire month and avoid any drama and disappointment. No gift will really do. No tension between WH and our children [the adult child has very limited contact with us now – the teen will act out if given an audience]. No putting on a front for those who pick up on the tension but have no freaking clue. No worrying if this show of affection is lie.

I know that I need to communicate my wishes (whatever they are) to WH. It is not fair to not speak up and then be hurt/disappointed in whatever he tries to do [or not do] because it is what he thinks I want. I’m stuck and torn and probably worrying about something I don’t need to clutter my already overflowing mind with. But it is on my mind a lot these days, so thought I’d throw it out there.

I don’t know... my WH has never been a romantic man or good at organising stuff to surprise me and I always accepted it. Luckily he didn’t surprise his ow either (our MC asked him once if he always treats his women badly). Don’t get me wrong he’d buy me stuff but on the basis of “what do you want for your birthday?”.

Now I expect more of him. If he’s changing he needs to do it in this area also, accept and understand that I like to see he thought of me. Since DDay 1 he’s done a lot of stuff in this direction but still no surprises. In fact we had a huge argument at Christmas that he didn’t do anything meaningful for me (a card, a photo album) he got me a perfume.

But what he does is still showing willingness to change. Since DDay 1 he bought me everything I laid eyes on. Which is a bit ridiculous because I told him he cannot “buy me”. But I understand his thought process: all his life he’s been careful with money. If you don’t need it you don’t buy it type of attitude. You don’t buy stuff just because you want it. So now I have a wardrobe full of new clothes (it was needed as I lost lots of weight), a new car, handbags and all sorts because I only dared looking at something and he bought it. He enjoys getting me to try stuff on and then buy it.

So I do appreciate his desire to change and show me he is a new person who puts me first though obviously spending money will not change what happened.

What I would say is, why do you have to tell him everything, don’t we think it should be normal for our loved ones to think of us on a milestone birthday? And if you think you would be too disappointed in case he doesn’t raise to your expectations, would it be easier if you just ask him: “what are you planning for my birthday? Do I need to go outfit shopping for a party evening, or outfit shopping for a romantic holiday?” but maybe once you explain you expect him to go out of his comfort zone on organising something spectacular, don’t tell him what? Surely he should know what you would like and you deserve? Maybe I am still a dreamer...

He has assured me that he and AP never exchanged gifts. I do believe him, however I do know for fact that AP tried.

Up until now, gift giving post DDay [birthday, anniversary and Christmas] have been very impersonal per my request. There have been no cards [again at my request] as I am not ready to read them only to think "yeah, right" in my head.

Post DDay, he has bought me some small things, but I told me not to buy me any "guilt gifts". But maybe I'm secretly hoping for something to prove himself to me? I'm not sure. Nor am I sure what I'd want it to be.

I don't want to set myself up for disappointment or set him up to fail. My issue is figuring out what I want and then communicating it to him. Prior to DDay I did want a party - nice fun day with friends and family and fun. Now, the drama or potential for it is something I just want to avoid.