Detaching is hard after infidelity, and it can take ages to even get started. Go at your own pace and be gentle with yourself. At the same time try to catch yourself before you fall into the many pits of sadness and despair and anger which litter our paths post betrayal. When you fall into one, which you will, see it for what it is, a temporary setback rather than your new reality. Easier said than done I know.
One of my favourite TV characters is Leo McGarry from The West Wing. In one episode he tells this story: This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."
SI is like the friend who jumps in the hole, people here know the way out of the mess of feelings and hurt and pain we find ourselves in after affairs.
Chili, who posted earlier here, has a great guide to detaching. It's down on page two at the moment. I printed it out and stuck it in my purse last week (thanks Chili!) so I can pull myself back from the brink when I get sucked towards the vortex of despair.
Another friend told me that families of addicts are given the mantra of the three C's which can apply to the behaviour of the WS from the perspective of the BS; you didn't Cause this, you can't Control this, you can't Cure this. Our WH's are responsible for their behaviour and the only behaviour we can be in charge of is our own.
What I have found most challenging is my gut instinct to do as my WH has done and rewrite our history to focus on all the negatives, the irritations, the bad bits etc. It's protective, sure, but I don't want to be bitter and angry because that doesn't help me in the long run. I was very happy in my marriage, even when things weren't perfect. I hope that one day in the future I will be able to look at our good days with warmth. I loved him with every fibre of my being for more than 26 years and despite his recent treatment of me, that doesn't get turned off like the flick of a switch. A part of me still wants to reach out to him, see how he's doing, ask if he is happy with his new life (I know the answer!). But I know it's not healthy for me to do this, so I resist. Do I still have love for him? Beneath all the hurt and anger, probably a little but not enough to make myself vulnerable to him again. I loved him, he loved me, we loved our children but I need to detach without getting bogged down in negativity.
To remind myself of this, I recently bought myself a new ring. It's a simple band that I wear on my right hand ring finger. It's by an Irish designer and is inspired by the lines from a WB Yeats poem "too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart". I don't want to harden my heart against WH or all men, so I wear it to remind me to be true to myself and hold on to the loving, trusting, fair, understanding, loyal woman I am.