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Newest Member: johnnygr

Just Found Out :
Back again, this time I won't survive it.

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MidnightBlue ( new member #63628) posted at 7:40 PM on Wednesday, May 2nd, 2018

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:07 PM, May 8th (Tuesday)]

posts: 9   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2018
id 8155631
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ohforanewme ( member #59230) posted at 12:04 PM on Thursday, May 3rd, 2018

Hey Emptyshelldad

Me again. You just have to talk to me.

This month a year ago was when I found SI. It was precisely because I was just slipping into my 2nd depressive, suicidal phase that I was spending time on the internet looking for sites that would confirm that there was no hope that WW would ever understand the hurt she had caused me and that that would provide the justification I needed to do what I knew had to be done.

Thankfully, SI helped me at last find my anger. Boy what a change. How liberating. I had never experienced such power and the incredible feeling of at last being in charge of my life and my decisions.

You cannot believe just how intense that anger wave that hit was. You would not believe me if I told you what I, as man alone, was able to break and destroy.

But what the anger got me to see, committing "the act" would just be perpetuating me letting her run my life, and ruin the life of my kids. It would not be this brave "me taking control of my life and finally making a firm decision" thing. It would just be the natural next step in her control of my life. Her directing the final grand act of my life, as it where.

I can only hope that your anger stage hits soon, very soon. And hits hard.

Are you going to allow her to dictate the course of your precious little peoples lives?

Let that anger hit. Let it brew. Let it fester, until it explodes. Then take all of that planning that you are clearly so good at, and use it to plan your life with your kids. The happiest life you ever dreamed of, is with those kids. Believe me. It is not only possible. It is inevitable.

There are a whole crew of the nicest gents and laddies over in D/S. You need to spend some there.

There are the newly joined. Their threads are full of fear and hurt. But even in those, you see the relief of someone finally taking back control of their life. Setting themselves free from abuse.

But then look at the threads of the folk who have been there a little while. Some quite a while, like the wise Crone, josiep, the ever encouraging MOB and then, Chili, in my view, the sage of the D/S forum. But there are Simplicity, Taken4granted and ninon, relatively new, but even they are now sharing just how incredible they see their progress when they look back just a few weeks. There is my good friend squid, who has the patience of Job, and has done an incredible job of resisting the anger wave. I am still hoping that it will hit for him some time. In my view, it is the greatest propellant of true healing.

But the one that I would like you to read are the posts by Superdaddy. His journey through infidelity is scarily close to mine. He found SI about the same time as mine. He started his first JFO thread just after I had been here only a few weeks. His tread picked me up just when I needed it. And he and I have supported through the challenges, celebrated our little people, laughed together more that we thought we ever would, and are marveling at each others new found strength.

Cant wait to welcome you to the brotherhood.

Ask any question that you want on what you next steps are, we have walked the path, we pretty much know the way.

Speak to me Emptyshelldad, I am here listening.

posts: 1249   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2017   ·   location: South Africa
id 8156014
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 1:26 PM on Friday, May 4th, 2018

Hi, ESD, checking in again.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Have you met with your doctor?

Many here are worried about you, you got through this mess once, you can do it again.

There are a couple of old members who recently came back to this forum after a second discovery. It is heart-wrenching, but they are doing their best to pull pull themselves out of the mud slowly but surely. You can too.

posts: 12239   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8156760
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ZenMumWalking ( member #25341) posted at 3:22 PM on Friday, May 4th, 2018

Emptyshelldad - I keep checking in on this thread, hoping to hear any news from you.

Please check in and let us know how you are doing, what your struggles have been in the last few days, anything!!

We are just a few keyboard clicks away and want to help you.

((((Emptyshelldad))))

Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen (in permanent S)
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now

posts: 8533   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2009   ·   location: EU
id 8156849
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IceThee ( member #53715) posted at 7:37 AM on Saturday, May 5th, 2018

ohfor — so glad you found SI (hugs)

Hey ESD :)

I’ve been sick with the flu for 2 weeks now... finally starting to feel like myself again, but it was awful. There were 2 nights that were pretty horrendous, so much so that I almost checked myself into the hospital! But I finally could get some rest. Anyway, the point in telling you all that isn’t for your pity I was laying down, and you suddenly came to mind. I know I’m pretty much a ‘stranger’ to you, but you still came and I felt led to pray for you. I didn’t want to tell you at first, because I felt like it might seem like I’m telling you how “great I am for praying for you” and that wasn’t what I thought at all. But I felt compelled to tell you anyway, because I want you to know you matter: not only to me and all these other lovely people that keep posting here and praying for you (i know I’m not the only one), but you also matter to a caring Heavenly Father. So I hope it’s okay that I shared that with you.

Many hugs :) you have “sisters and brothers” here caring for you. Your value is beyond what you can see. I know, because I’ve been there too...

"It's ok to not be ok"

Me: BS Him: xH (still cheating I'm sure)
Dday 1: November 2012 (didn’t realize it was a Dday until April 2018)
Dday 2: April 2016 Dday 3: July 2017
D final July 2018

"He who is without sin, cast

posts: 663   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2016   ·   location: 🌏
id 8157448
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Coreofsteel ( member #62501) posted at 11:04 AM on Saturday, May 5th, 2018

Thinking of you. Just wanted to add my support, Don't kill yourself over a cheating fuckwit.

ME: BS. Together with wayward spouse for 4 years. D-Day Jan 24, 2018. D-Day #2 Feb 5, 2018. D-day #3 from numerous other people, March 15. D-day #4 April 9, sex with more people and a hooker. NO future.

posts: 674   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2018
id 8157472
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PattayaCake ( new member #59882) posted at 12:08 PM on Saturday, May 5th, 2018

Emptyshelldad, please be kind but firm with yourself, its OK to not want to be here, but you need to (gently) remind yourself of the reasons to stay. I wrote this poem when I needed to remind myself!

Grudgingly Here:

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t here

And that I didn’t have to care

But the Reality is I have to stay

Albeit Somewhat Grudgingly

Grudgingly Here because I can’t not care

About the Feelings of those who are left

Grudgingly Here because I’ve worked too Hard

To throw it all away and give in to the Dark

Grudgingly Here because I can’t let Evil

Defeat my spirit and continue to control me

Grudgingly Here because I know that one day

The clouds will lift and the Sun will shine again

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t here

And that I didn’t have to care

But the Reality is I have to stay

Albeit Somewhat Grudgingly

Can you check in, even if grudgingly ?

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2017   ·   location: Australia
id 8157484
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anjinart ( new member #63697) posted at 8:21 PM on Saturday, May 5th, 2018

NO SOLICITING

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:38 PM, May 5th (Saturday)]

posts: 7   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2018   ·   location: usa
id 8157715
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PattayaCake ( new member #59882) posted at 12:57 PM on Thursday, May 10th, 2018

Been thinking of you ESD, hope you are hanging in there ((ESD))

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2017   ·   location: Australia
id 8161503
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 Emptyshelldad (original poster member #32292) posted at 12:13 PM on Monday, May 14th, 2018

So much has happened. If I do it, I have decided a gun is too messy for whoever has to clean up. And pretty disturbing to them. Where I live, there's lots of abandoned homes, like the half the town. And they all have a steel beam in the basement. I have mastered tying a real hangmans noose. I will send a message to the sheriff up here (I have his cell) as to where to come find my body. So a gun is out.

I saw doctor and got some lorazapam to help. I have been taking them, but its the hopelessness and the voices telling me how worthless I am, how I deserved this, no wonder she cheated on me, just look at me etc etc, that make it so hard to pull through every night. But Im still here.... Still fighting every day. Thank you who take the time to talk with me, I read them all nightly.

Love of my life -
Me: BH 34, Her: WW - 36,
3.5 years together, happier than I've ever been in life.
First woman
Me: BH - 28, Her: WW - 31, 10 years, 5 months, 6 days.
2 beautiful daughters. 1 devious, deceitful, serpant-like liar of a

posts: 249   ·   registered: May. 27th, 2011   ·   location: emptyshelldad
id 8164340
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latebloomer45 ( member #18021) posted at 12:18 PM on Monday, May 14th, 2018

ESD:

Your death will be traumatic to your loved ones no matter the method. I hope you can find the strength to keep going.

And to the voice in your head I say FUCK YOU AND GET OUT. ESD is a good man, he is STRONG, he will NOT LET YOU WIN YOU ASSHOLE!

Praying for you.

(((ESD)))

Me: BS 56
Him: FWS 58
Married 32 years
Son-26 Daughter (Who Came out as trans, so now Son)-23,
D-Day #1 12/11/2007
D-Day #2 5/23/2008 fucking trickle truth!
Whatever Threnody said, I concur.

posts: 4697   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2008   ·   location: Midwest
id 8164343
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Last Laugh ( member #11653) posted at 1:24 PM on Monday, May 14th, 2018

ESD - it may not seem like it right now, but this is a temporary problem which you'll overcome with time. Suicide really is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and is not a legacy to leave your children. Please see a psychiatrist to ensure you've been prescribed the correct medication.

trust is gained by many deeds and lost by only one.

posts: 492   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2006
id 8164383
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PattayaCake ( new member #59882) posted at 1:34 PM on Monday, May 14th, 2018

ESD, when I look at your profile all I can see is "TWO BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS", please make that part of your life be the one that defines you. You and your daughters deserve a future together, don't let WW take this from you too.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2017   ·   location: Australia
id 8164388
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TimelessLoss ( member #55295) posted at 1:53 PM on Monday, May 14th, 2018

esDad,

What did you tell the doctor?

When is your follow up appointment?

Are you following the warning on the label to not drink any alcohol?

"You've got to learn to leave the table when love is no longer being served"

posts: 1649   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2016
id 8164399
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Charliedeltabrav ( member #54068) posted at 2:24 PM on Monday, May 14th, 2018

ESD,

Who will be there to protect your daughters if your gone ? Who will they turn to when they need advice about boys or hugged and loved on when they have their first breakup ?. I have two beautiful daughters and they have needed me every step of the way .. Today is my youngest daughters birthday . I'm so glad I'm here to enjoy it with her. She needs me here just like your daughters need you. THEY NEED YOU for everything that life is going to throw their way!!

Those two beautiful girls of yours would never ever be the same without you.. You will survive this !!!! Your worth your weight in gold to those two young ladies.. Please let them be your guiding light out of this pit of darkness.

CDB

[This message edited by Charliedeltabrav at 8:26 AM, May 14th (Monday)]

DD # 1 2003
DD # 2 2014
DS 24, DD1 22 , DD2 21
Divorced 8/15

posts: 201   ·   registered: Jul. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Tn
id 8164430
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99lawdog99 ( member #42615) posted at 2:41 PM on Monday, May 14th, 2018

Emptyshelldad

please listen to everyone. Believe me I know where you are coming from. I alone never had faith in anyone except my wife who I believed would be the one person to never hurt me and to always have my back. Well, I was wrong. She was worse than anyone. But I would never think of offing myself because she or none in this world is worth it. Think about it, if you do that you are giving her the thought that she is so great that you couldn't live without her. Do you really want to have her think that. I wouldn't. Also the one thing I learned after all this is that every day presents new options. I can't tell you the opportunities that presented themselves to me after my wife's A from other women. If I wanted, I could of had a blast but I m not like that. Everyday is different. Life is hard. it's like a prize fight. It will try and knock you down every chance it gets but that is what defines us. I like to think it's me against life and I will be dammed if it's going to win. As long as I wake up in the morning, I know I have that chance where anything can happen. But if I don't wake up , nothing is going to happen. Why not keep fighting and take life to it's challenge. Tell it that you are stronger than it. It may knock the hell out of us everyday, and I will admit, I took a knee quite often but one thing I can say is that it never knocked me down to the point that I didn't get up and it never will especially over a woman. Please be strong, there are a lot of other women out there believe me, I see them everyday being a divorce attorney and they are just looking for decent guys. If you ever want to talk pm me. Please don't do anything.

Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

posts: 729   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2014   ·   location: pa
id 8164442
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ZenMumWalking ( member #25341) posted at 3:11 PM on Monday, May 14th, 2018

Emptyshelldad, I am so glad that you have written back, I have been very worried about you.

I hope that the lorazepam helps you to stop focusing so strongly on your negative thoughts and suicide plans.

I am glad that you have decided not to use a gun. Not only is it messy, but those who survive you will find it unbearable.

They would also find hanging unbearable. Any dead you is unbearable to them. I know that you do not want to give a lifetime of pain to your precious children.

Keep reading all of these posts. Implement the ideas for getting through these rough times. And keep posting here. We all care about you and want to know that you are still hanging in.

We're there for you.

((((Emptyshelldad))))

Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen (in permanent S)
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now

posts: 8533   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2009   ·   location: EU
id 8164469
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squid ( member #57624) posted at 3:48 PM on Monday, May 14th, 2018

its the hopelessness and the voices telling me how worthless I am, how I deserved this, no wonder she cheated on me, just look at me etc etc, that make it so hard to pull through every night.

You have worth, ESD. And it's in your username. "Dad". You MUST stop feeding these voices that are leading you on this self destructive path. The same path that will rob your children of their father and a future of happy memories.

Your WW cheated because she lacks integrity and is a deeply broken and flawed person. You've done NOTHING to deserve this. You are a man of principle that honors his commitments. You have every reason to hold your head high.

Stop letting her actions control your life. You have the power now to live a new life free of her infidelity.

Do anything you have to in order to break this cyclical thought process that you are currently stuck in.

Keep checking in. And more importantly, KEEP GOING.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2597   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8164497
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Booyah ( member #60124) posted at 4:59 PM on Monday, May 14th, 2018

ESD, glad you're still with us.

However I want to point something out to you. You mentioned that you went to a Dr and he prescribed Lorazepam for you. So I am assuming this was to help with your anxiety?

If this is the case, you were NOT straight with this Dr because one of the side effects of this drug is causing paranoid or suicidal thoughts, impair memory and judgment.

If this Dr knew you were already considering killing yourself there is no way he (or any Dr) would have prescribed this to you.

ESD, the days are ticking by and We all feel for you, but my friend it doesn't have to be this way. There is help for you. All you have to do is pick up the phone and lay your cards on the table with someone who can help you. That said nobody can help you if you aren't willing to help yourself first because nobody is a mind reader and realize what you're going through.

Confide in someone that can get you the help that you need.

Do it for your babies!!!!

posts: 1254   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8164543
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MrMagnolia ( member #63147) posted at 5:04 PM on Monday, May 14th, 2018

Emptyshell,

Thank you for checking in with us. I just wanted to let you know I've read your posts and am thinking about you.

I care what happens to you and I know you're in pain and I'm sorry for that. Thank you so much for sharing what you have. What else are you feeling right now?

The only hope you have is to accept the fact that your marriage is already dead. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll be able to function as you are supposed to function: without mercy, without fear, without remorse.

posts: 668   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2018
id 8164551
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