SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey man, I hope you’re hanging in there. I would pm this to you but I don’t have enough posts to do that, and maybe having this out there may not be a bad thing for others too.

So it’s probably as hard for me to write this as it is for you to read it. But I’ve been following your posts, and I think because they trigger me in a way, I really should share my experience with you. Let me warn you beforehand, this is my experience with life after my father’s suicide. It might be a lot to take in, but I really wouldn’t feel right not putting it out there for you. And I’m sorry if it’s sad to read, but it’s my life story so far.

My parents divorced when I was 8. My dad fell into a downward spiral after that, and eventually took his own life when I was 12 and my sister was 14. Blood alcohol level above lethal level, then injected himself with sodium pentothal, then slit his wrists in the bathtub. Made absolutely sure that it was done. Left a very short note that I can’t think of without streaming tears down my face.

It changed and shaped my life forever. I dropped out of school at 13 and got into hard (and soft) drugs. I tried to kill myself (overdose) at age 16, and in the hospital my sister couldn’t believe that I would try to do that after I knew how horrible it was to live through. I promised her then that I would never take my life and leave her alone. I’ve stuck to that promise, but endangered myself in just about any way that I could find (extreme sports, drugs, alcohol, basic careless and reckless behaviors) with a genuine deathwish.

Around age 25 I was amazingly still alive, and started to accept that I would be around for a while. I had some lucky breaks along with many hardships in my life, and am now almost 42 years old. I’ve had a strange thought ever since my dad died, about how I’m kind of following in his footsteps and have many similarities to him, but next year at age 43-44, I’ll kind of be my own person. See, my dad died at 43, so I have no idea what comes after that, and it’s both sad and relieving to be reaching that point. Because I will survive and live past this.

I’m sharing this because I wish that he could have heard it and chosen differently. I had/have recurring dreams where I got to see him and he had scars on his wrists and was alive, having changed his mind and faked his death to get away from life, returning years later to see me. Those were the happiest dreams and the saddest mornings I’ve ever had. Even 10, 20, 30 years later it’s crushing to wake up with him gone. I remember my last conversation with him. He sounded sad on the phone and left off sounding like I didn’t care about him. I blamed myself for many years, before eventually realizing that it wasn’t my fault. It’s still so sad though.

I’ve been through countless hours of therapy, emdr, and meditation, and it’s still with me every day. I’ve made a lot of peace with him, but there’s still a sometimes overwhelming sadness deep inside.

So, as I’m trying to type through the tears to share this with you, I hope that you have a chance to read this. If you need to, run away and start a new life. Check into a hospital and get help. I promise that it will get better. I’m still alive today due to a promise to my sister almost 30 years ago. If that conversation hadn’t happened, I would have tried again and succeeded, and hurt and scarred the people who cared about me.

Sending this with much love, understanding, and support. Please hang on and stick around.

I dont quote because it seems to make the messages.reallly longer.

But I can't go to.the hospital. We are in a very small town and its a ranching and farming community. Everyone would know and no one would want to hire me because they would think im crazy or dangerous.

I will update my profile soon with more details. Where I.live I.dont get any signal (1 bar of 1x so its hard to update unless I go to town.

I thank you all.so much..... Just four caring. I can't tell you how much it helps. All the replies have stopped me from punching my own ticket several times.

Noself...... I don't know what to say..... I'm moved to tears myself just hearing your story. It really makes me think of what life would look like for all my babies. That definitely.helps to pull me through.

I have my noose and rope down in the basement, hidden in a box..... I'm.going to take it into the trash in town tonight, I don't need it around, that way I will.have to wait at least until morning.to buy more rope, and by then, I might be ok.for another day. Thank you bro. And thank all for you for caring.

ESD, getting rid of the rope is such a good idea and a very positive step.

Thanks for posting. I understand about the hospital, but is there any way you can see a psychiatrist? Or get any type of help online?

I know that for me, once I was past a certain point - down in the darkness where you are - I couldn't get out of it without medication and a lot of help.

Anyway, I am glad that you are keeping in touch when you can.

Sending you more strength.

((((ESD))))

Thanks for coming back ESD. It means a lot to me that your taking this step because I know it's not easy but removing the rope is a big one. Let us know how it goes tomorrow.

@noself, thank you for sharing that deeply personal experience. It moved me to tears. As I shared pages ago, I also know children of a BH who took his life. I’ve cried with them. Heard their lingering sadness and longing. I’m

Sorry for all you’ve been through, and am glad you stuck it out.

I keep hoping, ESD, that you will find one reason every day to keep living. Keep looking at your daughters and choose life. Please seek help. Let the rumor mill do its thing. Your life matters more. You deserve the help you need at this moment. Don’t let clueless people stop you. Maybe you will find more understanding than you anticipate. You never know!!!! Please try. Find help. Reach out. Your life is worth more than any potential consequence.

Sending hugs and strength.

Being known as the guy who got help is so much more courageous than being the man who left his children behind. I know it’s impossible to believe, but your life is absolutely worth living. You are worth immeasurably more than her choices have you made you feel.

Keep fighting, ESD.

Getting rid of the rope is a great thing to do. Please follow through on that and really get it gone.

I have had numerous surgeries and due to a dangerous job am always in fear I'll be hurt and unable to cope with pain and so I've kept extra pain meds around.

During my awful first few weeks of separation, I pulled out all my pills and started counting them looking at expiration dates, looking up their effects, etc. I mean, they would stop the pain if I took enough, right?

I realized how stupid it was and how dangerous they were to have around. So I kept one bottle with just a few tablets for emergencies and then I took the rest in a bag to the hospital drug drop box and got rid of them for good.

That way, I closed off one way I could off myself.

The other thing I did was I stopped driving on the freeway. I had a long drive from my sister's house to work and it took about 40 minutes when using the freeway. But there were embankments with huge trees I would look at, and bridge abutments and other hard objects I was passing at high speed. And my mind would wander to "what if I yanked the wheel left"

So I changed my route. I started driving the old highway through town, with its dozens and dozens of lights. Max speed limit of 40, usually 35, sometimes 30 or 25. And lots of stopping. I simply couldn't get enough speed going to act out my other impulse and so it kept me safer. It took about 65 minutes to get to my destination but I got there.

I also gave my guns to my neighbor. I told him I wasn't safe to have them and I needed them to be somewhere I couldn't get to them until I was in a healthy frame of mind. I also gave him the ammo. I told him that when I got them back, I didn't want him to give me the ammo, so I'd only have the guns and nothing to load them with. He could use the ammo in his own guns or sell or trade it. I did get the guns back about a year later (family heritage I didn't want to lose). I still don't have ammo for them.

And finally, I kept my dog with me all the time. In the passenger seat of the car, there was no way I would hurt her. She was my copilot for good. She's still with me, 14 years old now, and my best buddy. We made it through those awful times.

I guess my point is you probably can explore all of the different thoughts you've had about methods, and instead of thinking about the details of the act, start taking steps to make each one of them impossible to pull off or really difficult, or too many steps, or too public, or something.

The thoughts of suicide are intrusive. You can fight them best when the methods are not easily accessible. When you are feeling just a little better, do something to protect yourself when you are not feeling good at all. Change your thoughts from "I could do this" to "What can I do to make doing this really difficult?" so you build yourself some safety from your lowest lows.

Sending my best healing vibes for another day forward for you, ESD.

Another hard, dark night. I went to throw the noose away.... But I couldn't do it... My darkness speaks to me about being my own man, deciding for myself, living life on my terms.... And ending it on my terms. Then I wear it for a while in the dark of the basement....And oddly.... It makes me feel a little better. Perhaps ill have better luck quieting the darkness tomorrow and ill do it then.

But I think of your encouragement guys.... And I wNt won't do it tonight.... I just wish the sun would come.....

Please, please get some help. It can be better for you. It's late, and I'm here and you've been heard.

Dear ESD,

This is the first time I have posted on your topic and I just want to say that so many of us fellow SI friends have been exactly where you are right now.

Now, I can only speak from my experience and from 1 BS to another is that the 1 thing that kept me here on Earth was my 2 beloved kids as well as my furbabies whose never ending and unconditional love has brightened my darkest days for the past 6 1/2 years since D-Day

I can feel your unbearable pain but please, please for the sake of your 2 daughters don't take away the constant love of their father because of another person's unfathomable, cruel and selfish behavior that has caused you this heartbreaking pain that you experience every single day. As difficult as it is to believe in your heart time truly will help your wounds begin to heal with or without your WW's help.

We are all here for you and please have faith that the sun will come up today and each and every day will continue to get brighter for you.

((((ESD))))

ESD, my mother lived in a ranching/farming community north of Sacramento in the California valley. I understand about not wanting people to know that you need help. In her community there was a small hospital that would serve the immediate surrounding areas.

Two towns over there was a larger hospital.

About 100 miles away several hospitals in the Sacramento area.

Is there ANY PLACE within driving distance that you could go to check yourself in (possibly using the excuse that you just need to get away)? Can you discuss with your primary MD, perhaps he can give you some assistance?

You are surviving daily, but the cloud of darkness doesn't dissipate. Maybe it's not just the infidelity but another issue that could be helped easily with a good diagnosis and the proper medication.

Please seek help, even if it means traveling a distance to get it.

Hugs to you and your family, you are still in my thoughts and prayers.

[This message edited by annb at 7:02 AM, May 18th (Friday)]

A suggestion: there is an app called Calm. It contains some guided meditation.

I have done EMDR - a treatment for PTSD. At the end of the day it is basically guided meditation - and it can REALLY help. You might try the app, or google guided meditation on youtube.

Remember: if you commit suicide you are substantially increasing the risk that your children will as well.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 9:35 AM, May 18th (Friday)]

ESD,

When the darkness closes in around you, call the Suicide Hotline. They are there to help you.

You sound like a wonderful person. Why deny an equally wonderful woman the opportunity to know you?

Your WS wants a man with no honor and no morals. You are so way out of her league.

Stay with us. The best is coming.

k9

Please, ESD, stay with us. Keep fighting the darkness don’t give in to it. Stay for your daughters.

Lots of good advice above. Will you please try one? Make a call. Find a hospital you can check in to. Talk to your doc and tell him/her the full truth. Call a hotline. Meditate. Redirect your thoughts into avoiding the darkness.

You can do this. One small choice at a time. Hugs.

If you can find Dr. Phil on your computer there is information about how you can actually call and be connected to a therapist. You don’t have to leave your house for someone to talk to you. I’m not sure how you go about doing it but he has talked about it on his show many times that it is set up for people just like you. Please try it. If you cannot get it or don’t live in this country then just keep posting. There are people here, just like me, who think about you all the time and want you to get better.

Hey Emptyshelldad.

There is nothing fair about any of this. But none of it was about you.

There is something so broken in the women you loved that they were okay with lying and being that deceitful.

The problem with people like us is that we have broken pickers. It's not that we find wonderful people and then they turn on us. That darkness always existed, and they just showed us the blackness when we least expected it.

This happens because we are broken people too. Broken attracts broken. And obviously you are aware of how broken you are.

The thing is, if you do this you leave your daughters in the hands of a broken woman, permanently. They will be affected in a cataclysmic way by your death. You can't let this be.

The only way to save your children is to heal yourself. It is the harder choice, by far. If it was easy we'd all have done it years ago. And mental/emotional health is like a canyon. Right now you are drowning in the river at the bottom. It takes a monumental effort to build up the strength to swim. Harder too to grab onto the cliffs to climb out. It's a long way and the rocks are pointy and hard and the risk of slipping and falling back in the river is great. But when you get the hang of it, it starts to become easier. And eventually, you'll find yourself on the edge of the precipice, proud of yourself for making it there...and the view, dude...it's the most beautiful thing in the world.

This all exists. Your girls are waiting for you at the top. It's fucking brutal. But you need to find a pair of waterwings if you aren't ready to swim to shore yet independently. Drowning is the easy way, but it's going to clog up that river and cause erosion and you don't want the cliffs to cave in with your kids up there.

ESD, many many lurkers are thinking about you, I am sure. There is much good practical advice up - thread about how to keep yourself safe, and much good reflection on how your children need you in their lives.

When you dispose of the rope in your basement, could you cover it with syrup or honey? Making it more difficult to use while symbolically covering it with the sweetness of life?

I hope that you will be able to find healthy activities and other sources of strength: gardening, exercise, woodworking, fishing. Using your hands can help your brain.

Take care.

ESD, still thinking of you and of your children. Take care.

Thinking of you, ESD. Please check in with us today. Keep talking here. One day at a time....

ESD - I'm sorry it was so difficult to get rid of the rope this time. If you feel unable to do that, perhaps you could tie some things up with it so that at least it is less easily accessible.

I understand what you mean about it feeling better to have it around your neck though. When I was in my low period, I also planned to shoot myself. I had nearly every detail figured out, including that I would do it in a hotel room bathtub and to make the cleanup easier I would put a heavy-duty plastic tarp under me. While I was 'practicing', I would put that tarp in my bathtub and lie on it, and that felt so GOOD to me. Which maybe seems crazy but that's how it was. So I get it.

One reason it can feel like a relief is that you know that option is in your back pocket, you don't have to take it right now. You can cling to the idea to take some of the pressure off. But the idea is not the same as doing it - that would be the OPPOSITE of relief, both for you and most especially for your precious children.

I think the Dr. Phil app mentioned above is called Doctor on Demand. I don't know anything about it, but I agree it's a good idea to check it out.

I'm going to go all broken record on you: you need to be seen by a doctor qualified to diagnose your depression and prescribe appropriate medication to help you while you are working your way out of this. Once you are this far down, you have a serious medical condition. That is why it is so difficult to pull yourself up and out of it. Not your life circumstances, but your brain's ability to see other ways to deal with them. There is nothing shameful in that.

I understand that things are difficult in your area. Try the online/app, keep talking to the suicide prevention people, consider a hospital farther away. You have a serious medical condition, you need to do everything possible to treat it.

You are stronger than you know. You are still here. You have changed your gun plan. You have already called the suicide prevention people. You keep posting here. You are at least listening to the ideas that are suggested here. You are letting your children's well-being be your guiding principle.

Sending you out more and more strength and wisdom for you to do everything possible out there to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

((((Emptyshelldad))))