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Oh and lucky to answer what was it? It was a projection of what you think you want onto the AP. You are mirroring each other. You do this whether the person really has the attributes you are projecting or not. You don’t really know them, you know what they let you see. Sometimes and in my case some of it was him but likely a lot wasn’t. I filled in the gaps by romanticizing the rest. Ugly truths but it ain’t love.

:) That's the gist of it yes. The point I wanted to drive home was that while something may have happened in the past and been caused by our own, motivations, actions, and perspective if we truly change those things it's easier to understand why it's possible to trust that we would no longer be capable of causing that same thing to happen again in the future. It doesn't take away from what has been done of course but it does provide hope that similar events won't happen in the future.

It's true that I once attempted to take my own life and the consequences of that action and the pain it caused me and people who care about me still remains. However, I know that there were parts of me completely under my own control that allowed me to reach that point of desperation. Some of those parts are no longer with me now and others have changed so much to be fundamentally different and I know that I couldn't ever get to that point by the same mechanisms again because they no longer exist. So I also believe it's true I'm no longer at risk, in the same way, I once was.

if it's about my remorse I express it to him. However, anything that's kind of pity party, I don't.

That is the hard part. figuring out which is which. It takes some work from his side too. Communication that is clear is so, so important. The main thing is that he sees coming from a genuine and selfless space.

It is a slow process too. You share a little bit and gradually it moves from dissecting the past to talking about the present.

You know what sometimes those conversations will trigger him and he will react less than graciously. However you give it some time to let the trigger fade and then revisit in calmer times.

JMHO. For R to be successful he needs to feel that he is part of solution. He can ever repair his ego over taking his part in "fixing this.

I guess I am just cautioning you on being in your head too much and without communication he will make up what he thinks you are feeling. Due to his mental state not all of that negative.

The back rub is exactly what I am talking about with small acts of kindness. It will help you feel better too.

Hikingout just be patient (I know it's hard) and keep working on yourself. I'm two years out and I still change my mind about whether or not I want to stay in my marriage five hundred times a day.

You and your husband are still early in recovery. It is going to take years before he settles down. Meanwhile just keep working on yourself to show him you are doing everything you can to be a safe partner to him again.

He still doesn't feel safe with you, but he is processing the information you are giving him. That is very positive. It means his brain is learning acceptance...slowly.