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How long after DDay was it until you had sex with your WS again? Do you wish you had waited longer, or “gotten it over with” sooner? How did you know you were ready?

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To clarify, I do not think I am ready to have sex with my WH yet. We are three months past DDay and I still haven’t said “I love you” back to him, no kissing, and don’t even want non-sexual touch like a pat on the shoulder. I would assume that at least SOME level of affection and interest should return before having sex, so the “first time” isn’t incredibly damaging.

I guess I’m just curious for once I get closer to feeling ready. Generally speaking, I have a pretty low sex drive but 3 months is the longest we’ve ever gone. Most days it’s the farthest thing from my mind, but occasionally I am finding myself wanting sex - just not really with him, if that makes sense.

Plus there’s the added worry that no sex will drive my WH back into the porn/webcamming world.

[This message edited by DogsnBooks at 12:25 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

There is no right answer. It will happen when you choose. I had sex with WS on D-Day, there's a term for it but I forget what it is, but after the first two weeks, it went to what it is now, every month or every other month. It's been that way for almost 2 years. Yes WS would like more sex and like you I have considered that not doing so may tempt her to stray but then that will pretty much settle things too. You need to work on you and not be concerned with what he needs. If it pushes him back to his previous behavior, well, better to know now then after trying to R and finding out later.

The next day or two after ddday. We had hysterical bonding. Sometimes twice in one night.

A little over a year! At first I just needed to distance myself from WW, do the 180 and everything. Then after awhile, it was just my way of punishing her and making a stand. Eventually, I realized that if I was truly going to give R a shot, I had to give in and start having sex.

The results have been mixed. I don't really trigger or have mind movies, and ultimately the act of sex itself is good fun, and I regret depriving myself of it when it was readily available to me after DDay. But she seems satisfied now that the A is behind us, and that we can just go back to the way we were. It's like by me finally agreeing to have sex, she feels like everything is OK. Balance is restored, in her mind.

Bottom line; wether you decide to R or D, stay or go, I don't recommend no sex for an entire year. I'm afraid that when I'm an old man who can't get it up anymore, I'll just be angry at myself for wasting an entire sexually active year of my mid 30s.

Hysterical bonding definitely isn’t me. I almost wish it was.

Last week on vacation, after a few glasses of wine I was really close to just saying “screw it” and jumping into bed with him. I’m glad I stopped myself. I don’t think I’m emotionally strong enough to have handled that.

It almost feels like if I have sex with him, that’s me saying I’ve forgiven/forgotten, and it’s lettkng him win. I know that’s backwards thinking and that there is no “winning” and this isn’t the right attitude for reconciliation ... but that’s where I’m at.

Then after awhile, it was just my way of punishing her and making a stand.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. That’s where I’m at right now. Still mad, still in pain, and still feeling like I need to take a stand and prove something to him (or maybe to myself). I guess I’m not really ready to forgive because he hasn’t been “punished” enough yet ... and I don’t know how to get to that point.

(camera opens on despondent betrayed husband gazing with longing eyes for his wayward wife)

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(BH's eyes pop open)

That's right! You heard that correctly. Our incredible HB will put the lead back into your pencil, because as we all know, the male body has just enough blood to operate either a brain or a dick, but never both at the same time!

WW (smiling): "Thanks Hysterical Bonding!"

(BH looks unhinged)

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[This message edited by Unhinged at 1:36 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

^^^^^😄😄😄😄😄^^^^^

And yet, it is so true!

On a serious note, it was a week after D-day v1.0 that the HB started (lasted about 4 days). From then, it would be a couple of no the until I was ready emotionally.

With D-day v2.0, it was the next evening when HB started and lasted about a week again. This time, I haven't been as emotionally unable to perform, but it does take a lot of foreplay to make it happen.

8 days after D-Day. We sat in our 1st counseling session and the therapist mentioned to go home eat dinner and maybe have sex. I immediately loudly said "NO NO NO NO WAY. NO WAY" Well, that night it just happened. It was w/o a doubt the most passionate sex we've had in years. The next day I kind of regretted it and told my WW that maybe it was my way of taking back what is none from the AP. She didn't care for that explanation but I feel that was one reason for it.

It almost feels like if I have sex with him, that’s me saying I’ve forgiven/forgotten, and it’s lettkng him win

I almost feel like it's rewarding the WH for having a A. He got a lot of sex with the AP and now he is going to get a lot of sex with me? No. not happening. I was too angry and the mind moves were too much. For the WW she is probably having a lot of sex with the BH as a way to keep him in the marriage. It rarely lasts and then anger sets in.

Instead of just having sex right away that might end up you being upset, start slow with hugs, cuddling, kisses every now and then. What you feel comfortable with. This is what I did. While sex was the last thing on my mind I did want to be comforted. We never did have sex because he became impotent.

She didn't care for that explanation but I feel that was one reason for it.

Awwww... poor little puddin.

We had sex on DDay night. We both realized how terrified we were of losing each other and we knew that we would try to reconcile. In our case, we both had failed together. She had a ONS and EA. I had a porn addiction. We both agreed to do better.

We knew that we were ready for sex when we knew that we would reconcile. In my case as the BH, the sex helped me feel like I was taking my wife back and pushing all aspects of the OM away. The frequent (Viagra fueled) sex helped me process through the anger and hurt. These days, we have sex several times per week and so far...neither of us have strayed. Fingers crossed.

[This message edited by ToABetter30th at 2:11 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

At this point, it's been 8 months and I don't plan to ever again. It's more important to him to lie to me and deceive me than to be sexually active with me. I might change my mind about it if I ever feel like I can trust him again, but I see no changes in him.

We had sex 3 days after D-day and so began hysterical bonding. We were both terrified of losing one another. He thought for sure I was going to leave. He continued the EA for another 3 weeks waiting for me to walk out the door.

I don’t feel that by having sex with my husband I have given him the idea that I have forgiven or forgotten. In fact I will never do either. It’s unforgivable in my opinion and I’d love to forget it but that’s just not possible unfortunately. However, without intimacy I don’t think R would be possible for us. Our R is stronger because of our continued intimacy and affection, and 5 years out we are still just as intimate and connected as we were during hysterical bonding. We have sex 4-5 times a week generally and it’s consistenly mind blowing. It’s different now as we’re so connected and in tune with one another. The work we’ve done in R has brought us closer than ever and we’ve built a new, authentic marriage that puts our old marriage to shame (a marriage neither of us were happy in - not that it excuses his behavior at all, it’s just fact).

I think sometimes in R we just have to take a leap of faith, whether with physical intimacy and trust.

T/J - I never had any trouble thinking while ...um... aroused, even while at my supposed peak. I think human beings have enough blood to keep all systems going simultaneously. End T/J

I don’t think I’m emotionally strong enough to have handled that.

I question that. I think you have plenty of emotional strength, even though you may not yet realize it.

It almost feels like if I have sex with him, that’s me saying I’ve forgiven/forgotten, and it’s lettkng him win. I know that’s backwards thinking and that there is no “winning” and this isn’t the right attitude for reconciliation ... but that’s where I’m at.

I wouldn't have sex if I thought that, either.

It's where you're at, and it's a reasonable place to be. It could be the foundation for R. Don't beat yourself up for being there.

I'll expand on Unhinged's point a bit. You could do as many of us do and view sex as reclaiming what is yours.

If your H takes it as a step towards rug-sweeping, you could straighten him out very quickly by cutting him off unless he comes clean, starts IC, stops all lying, and meets your other requirements for R.

IOW, why deprive yourself of pleasure because your H was a jerk?

That's just an idea. Your recovery requires you to be true to yourself, and if that means, for example, you want your H to show that he's willing to forgo porn and cybersex before he can touch you again, that is OK.

But if you want to be held and touched and moved on a very deep level, it's OK to use your H on your terms for a while. Sex definitely helps R along - if the WS is a good candidate for R. And if the WS isn't a good candidate, s/he can still be a vehicle for your own pleasure, if you want that.

We had sex on DDay. I guess I'm not the "typical" female in that sex does not equal love. I was horny and wanted some and since I am still married to him I cannot get it elsewhere.

He mistakenly thought that sex meant that I forgave him and we were going to work things out. I let him know it is just a physical release for me.

Sounds like HB is more common than I thought! Guess I’m the odd one out here.

7-8 months. I had already decided no reconciliation was taking place. I didn't tell her though because I didn't want to hurt her. I was wrong there. Anyway, my x-fiance visited me literally months later and by that time I was indifferent, free and pursued other women. She came over to see my new apartment in a somewhat wide, short skirt without stockings with hopes of spending sometime to reconnect with me.

As stated previously, we hadn't had sex in nearly 7-8 months (I was having sex with others) but not she and I. Too my surprise we end up in bed and I couldn't stop going at it with her. I'd never heard of HB before and was somewhat skeptical of it until I kept reading stories on SI. My experience that day suggests it was HB, but that makes no sense as I was no longer interested in her. But something really come over me that day. She had to ask me to stop due to soreness. That was the LAST time also.

Lots of people say HB is about reclaiming what is theirs.

I didn't WANT to reclaim my WW... I didn't want her at all! I didn't want to compete sexually with another man. I didn't want to be compared. I didn't want her to think I was excusing her behavior I didn't even consider her MINE to reclaim. This is what I don't get about HB... why do you still want this person, so soon after DDay? I know, everybody is different... that was just my experience.

My WW used to beg for sex starting about 6 months out of DD. She even mentioned HB. I should've gotten on that, but instead I kept holding out. What did that accomplish? Literally nothing, just made me not get laid and not connect with her at all!