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I waited a little over 4 months. We talked a lot about the A and I started feeling comfortable with his touch. I liked that he wanted to hold my hand and do simple things for me, made me feel special. We went to dinner, shopping, and it just kinda happened after we got home. It'll be different for all of us, do whatever you feel comfortable with. Worry about yourself first the rest will fall into place when the time is Right.

Two days.

It was a crazy HB time, sometimes 20 minutes apart in the same night..and we are in our 50's!

We are settled in our sex life more now. It's more like 2x a week. But the occasional HB still happens. I will say our love life is more intense than it ever was before.

Infinity for me. I will never have sex with her again. I had zero inclination toward hysterical bonding. Like the other guy mentioned, no desire to compete with the other guy in any way.

Knowing another guy has been there...no way.

Also, because of her emotional issues, she put on tens of pounds after we got married. She weighed about 135 to 140 when we got married. She maxed out at about 200 and has not been less than 170 in a long time. She didn't even have pregnancies to cause it. Just her BPD. Before her affair, I didn't let this affect our marriage. I never complained about it. I never tried to make her lose weight.

But after her affair, the major weight gain is a deal-breaker in this regard. I am not attracted to her anymore. I don't even try to deny it to myself or her. Good thing for her that her other guy likes fat girls. She can go back to him any time now.

My WW used to beg for sex starting about 6 months out of DD. She even mentioned HB. I should've gotten on that, but instead I kept holding out. What did that accomplish? Literally nothing, just made me not get laid and not connect with her at all!

On D-Day (to answer the original question). And the quote above is exactly how I feel about it, didn't know if I'd be getting a D or not, didn't know what my W was thinking (and didn't care, to be frank), just thought to myself "why not get laid" and did it. Denying myself sex was not, in anyway I saw it, going to make me feel better. If my W was the high drive person in the relationship, maybe I could see it as "punishment" but, with me the HD person, all I was doing was punishing myself, a lower/no sex relationship probably would have been fine with my W.

Problem is, sex and emotion, never closely linked for me, are not totally disconnected. I'm having sex, and will do it as often as possible, and I greatly enjoy it, it's such a relief after years of denial, but the emotion is gone. It's how sex always was for me in the past, a good way to use 30 minutes, but not something that's emotionally intimate.

I hope the rest of it comes back someday, but I'm not sure it will. And, even worse, I don't think it's as simple as "dump the WW", the A showed me some things that I long thought to be true about sex were, in fact, true. My W had me convinced that "it was different" with her up until the A, but.. It wasn't. I just thought it was and let that cause me a really crappy (in my estimation) sex life throughout our marriage.

DogsnBooks love your UN. Sounds like a safe place! But anyway, before Dday I would have bet a LOT of money that I would be like you. NO way would I want to touch him, or vice versa, so it blew my mind when a week after Dday when we moved back in the same house, but not the same bedroom, we started with HB. It was crazy. I got angry with myself for "rewarding" him, yet i wanted it badly all the time and that is not me. My IC said, just do what you want, don't even consider him right now, and so I just did it. All. The. Time. If I thought about it it made me mad, but again, life became all about me. He loved it though, but later it has come out that sex is not a real connector for me. Sex for me is fun and enjoyable but that's about it. For him it's a much more important connector.

Unhinged, that was hilarious! I felt like the guy the whole time with HB it was like I was aggressively taking back what was mine, and sometimes it was just pure raw sexual aggression on my part. I don't really believe in stereotypes but again, sex for me isn't so much about love and connection so I guess it makes sense. I had never experienced anything like HB, and was sometimes angry with myself afterward but also couldn't stop myself, so I tried not to judge myself. My brain and my nether regions were completely not coordinating or HB would not have happened.

AngryinFL I am so glad to hear there is another atypical female out there. I very much enjoy sex, but it has never been the glue that has bonded me to any partner. There may be deeper reasons for that, but I think now my WH understands that my connection to him is about very different things. We are very different people, and I don't think I respond to things like the "typical" woman. Through all of this hurt he has learned what is and is not important to me. Adjusting. There are many different "normals" out there, glad to meet you.

No HB here. It took 3 months for me to even feel like trying. I wouldn't let him lay a hand on me on DDay. It took a week for me to accept holding hands.

Sex doesn't mean love to me, I didn't feel the need to "reclaim" him and feeling safe is something I need in order to have sex. So until I felt reasonably safe sex did not happen.

I don't wish it was quicker, the first several times were pretty upsetting for me. Once I was ready we did somatic experiencing and that was really helpful for me.

We are 18ish months out now and R is going extremely well for both of us so really I don't think it matters all that much.

Sounds like HB is more common than I thought! Guess I’m the odd one out here.

And HB doesn't happen for lots of us. There's nothing odd about not experiencing it. And even if it were, so what? No matter what, we all have to find our individual path through this.

We're all weird in our way. Thank goodness!

We had HB within a few days of DDay and kept it up quite a bit. It allowed me to reclaim myself as well as "mark my territory" and/or "show him what he's got" so to speak.

If you are asking how long until we made love - that is a different question.

Sex doesn't mean love to me, I didn't feel the need to "reclaim" him and feeling safe is something I need in order to have sex. So until I felt reasonably safe sex did not happen.

Yes, this is completely how I feel. I still don’t feel safe and I need that first.

And HB doesn't happen for lots of us. There's nothing odd about not experiencing it. And even if it were, so what? No matter what, we all have to find our individual path through this.

Thank you for the reminder. It is a different journey for all of us.

Hi, new here. To answer the question, a week after. I just found out last Monday about my WHs PA. I haven’t wanted much touch all week, but we have literally talked every single day about what happened and he has expressed so much remorse and has never once blamed me for it. Has started reading material as well. I needed it so I went for it. It was nice and it was emotional. For both of us.

I say whatever works for your particular situation is what works.

Sounds like HB is more common than I thought! Guess I’m the odd one out here.

No you are not.

It will vary. My BH's libido dropped significantly after my affair. The touching and fuss he'd make about me also dropped. I want all of those things back, but it is not on my time table. It is on his - completely.

Infinity for me. I will never have sex with her again. I had zero inclination toward hysterical bonding. Like the other guy mentioned, no desire to compete with the other guy in any way.

Are you still together? If you have NO intention of ever being with her again and you are not attracted to her, why stay? Why not leave and find your happiness with someone else?

3 months for me and it was AWFUL. I am the BS and I felt like I raped him.

It was another 3 months before we tried again and it is slowly getting better. Between his guilt and my hurt, it's been a long road.

We did the night I confronted WW on dday1. It felt like I wasn't even in my body. It was surreal and overall unpleasant. This is the only time I regret having sex with her.

3 months for me and it was AWFUL. I am the BS and I felt like I raped him.

Yikes. I definitely don’t want that. Although I think it would more likely be the opposite way for us, because my WH is the one with the higher sex drive, so chances are that I would be the one feeling unsafe and taken advantage of, not him.

[This message edited by DogsnBooks at 11:50 AM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

Within two hours of discovery on Dday. I literally demanded it. I had 'serviced' him all those years with no affection, having no clue why he was so distant. After Dday 2, when talking to one of the OWs (she was 22 at the time of their affair, she was 26 when I reached out to her), she confessed they had sex on a business trip in a roach infested motel. I demanded sex every day, all day. Typical HB I guess, except it hasn't stopped. We're having sex about 6 times a week. Thankfully, making love came into the picture within a couple of weeks...

I went so long without intimacy and affection that (for me) it felt natural to claim what was supposed to be mine. Unfortunately, I also fell into the comparison game. Even though WH is adamant I'm the best he's had...it pisses me off I even had people to be compared to. SO there are days we make love and days I make demands and Wh is more than happy to comply. I think he is kinda digging the new me. It did scare the shit out of him at first though.

It was two or three days past dday. I looked at him after and said this doesn't mean what you did is okay. He acknowledged that. Sex has been fairly frequent since then though I have things I refuse to do because OW did them.

New here. As a woman who experienced HB, I love the distinction between HB and making love. WH even commented once that I was cold and distant during HB which ironically is how I often felt in our marriage. I felt like I was reclaiming but also felt like I was using him. I feel part of me was f it, I have no idea when I'll have sex again. I no longer experience HB and now know I was in shock during those weeks. I now resent that I ever felt compared to someone else.

D-day night. So a few hours.