SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been thinking a great deal today about what goes on in a wayward spouses head when they leave or are having an affair.

The early stages of excitement, lust, denial, justifying etc.

But when they close their eyes at night, do they ever contemplate what they are doing, feel any pang of guilt or regret? Or can they just walk away without any feelings especially after a long term relationship and or kids etc.

What happens when the WS and OP have their first argument? do they think back, do they hurt? Do they ever lie in bed at night after sex and wonder whether they made a huge mistake?

Or are they really so 'loved up' 'infatuated' that they never give a second thought to the spouse they left behind?

I am interested in thoughts, opinions and if anyone has experience either directly or via a WS coming clean.

What really goes on underneath the newly found excitement? If and when does reality kick in and if it is going to at all, when does the regret begin to occur?

There's no one answer.

Some WS have terrible regret and yes even real remorse. Some don't give a damn.

Some absolutely despise what they did. Others are "proud" of their ability to sexually attract other people.

Some cringe inside with every lie. Others lie without a second thought.

It's not often possible right away to know what you are dealing with.

You can ask this on the BS Questions for WSes thread in the I can Relate forum. Good questions....

20 years ago in high school I cheated on my girlfriend of 2 years quite often. I realize that I was just a dumb 17 year old boy, and that my little high school relationship doesn’t mean anything next to that of an adult marriage. But I feel like based on my experiences I can relate to a wayward mindset.

Nevertheless, I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember how good it felt to know that I could get a BJ from one girl, and then have sex with my girlfriend the next night. I never once felt guilty. I was 100% virgin when I started dating her, and I assumed she was too. She lied to me about her past, but then I found out that she had actually had sex and done other sex acts with several other guys. This devastated me, and I was on a quest to even the score! I went after any girl that would look at me sideways.

Now I look back on those actions with great shame. But I get how someone can live with themself while cheating. It’s actually very easy if you have no moral compass, and no respect for your betrayed person. I didn’t dislike my girlfriend, I actually liked her quite a lot. She was better looking and more sexually advanced than any of the girls I cheated with. I just really wanted to have my cake and eat it too. Sometimes I don’t wonder if my wife’s A is karma biting me in the ass for that?

I eventually had an awakening of my consciousness at the end of senior year. I quit partying, quit chasing other girls, and broke up with my girlfriend. It was all toxic for me. I’ve never cheated on anybody since, and never will again.

My wife finally opened up on this. The truth carries threat of pain with it, so beware if you are really seeking to know.

I found out that my wife, who had a six month affair with her ex-gf of 14 years described feeling "awkward" at first (and as she spoke, I warned her that is a horrible trigger word now), but after a few visits she felt the comfort that their familiarity gave them. This aspect is very painful for me, because my fear had been since discovery that they still had a connection, feelings, or unfinished business. She said there were no wild emotions or feelings, no "love" or romantic feelings, but it was a nice feeling to be with someone familiar with whom you felt no responsibility. (We had been together longer than they had at this time!) Ouch!

She also confessed that because she always had alcohol when they were together, that is why she would grab a beer the minute she walked in the door. This is the first time she confessed to doing something so deliberately deceitful to cover her tracks.

She said her ex asked once if they could get a room so my wife didn't have to go home. My wife told her -- and said she always maintained -- that was totally out of the question. She did say that her ex would often say she wished my wife didn't have to leave (when it was time to come home so I would not have suspicions if she stayed away longer than her "cover activity" called for.) I believe her ex missed her and wanted to pretend her way back into her life.

I left the door open for my wife to tell me more. I have let her know that she did not love me the same during her A, because I could feel that. I have asked how much she resented me during that time, but her non-answer tells me it will take her some time to think that about before she gives me the truth.

It wasn't excitement, although I am sure their first few rounds of in person visits held some kind of excitement until it became familiar. My wife did say that one day why touched, unexpectedly, an arm or shoulder, and that something in her responded. Ouch! But my wife also said about half or two-thirds of the way through the affair it started to become a bit of a drag, as the newness wore off and the old familiar started to remind her why they were not good together. Why she did not break it off then I will never know.

And yes, my wife says in one of their last times together she said something that hurt her ex's feelings. Tears led to my wife cuddling her to comfort her on a bed in her ex's sisters house (she was house sitting), but my wife said that her ex threw her leg over my wife's leg, and that ended the cuddle session real quick. My wife said she got up and said "That is not yours." She said that was one of the few times I came to mind, as the intertwined legs was something she associated with me alone. They left the house and went to a park . . . but it was not enough for my wife to just come home to me. That was also the last time my wife gave her money . . . $500 cash. I guess she also told her ex this would be the last time she could help her out financially.

I have asked her what was in her mind while driving to and from . . . haven't gotten that confession yet. My fear is that some of the time she was actually glad to be leaving this house that she so associated with the stresses she was trying to escape . . . and that hurts. Because I was stuck here, ill and unable to get out much at all that summer. She says she often arrived at ex's house (a 45 mile drive in the worst congested traffic in the area) in a grumpy mood, but that never prevented her from driving that 90 mile round trip to be with her ex for a couple of hours. Only one time in over half a dozen trips there she left her ex early to go do what she told me she was doing . . . kayaking. She didn't leave because of me, she left because she would rather be on the water than hanging with her ex that particular day.

If you are new and reading this, I am at 2 1/2 years post d-day, with a spouse who took over a year to even begin to show anything hopefully like remorse. TT went on over a year, and she still can get a little defensive when I get close to something she is afraid to tell me. She has turned another corner, but I have said that before. Progress is neither linear nor level: it is a roller-coaster with no brakes and it is messy. Listen to your gut and do not let go of what you need.

Some great and honest replies thank you. fenderguy I am sure it is not Karma biting your ass, you were very young and to a degree we all make such mistakes as we find our way in life at an early age.

Oneinthesame, your wife is so lucky to have such an understanding and forgiving partner in you. It sounds to me like she was confused (no excuse) but thankfully realised her mistake and is working to rectify the damge, I wish you both every luck and happiness for the future. Your kindness, dignity and forgiveness will pay off in the end whatever happens.

You probably understand that there is no pat answer to your question. If you look at it from the perspective of broad categories that a WS "feels" it might be more helpful for you.

First off, I'm a BH and I never comment or advise on BW/WH issues or try to project my experience to that situation.

I think WW's fall into these broad categories during the affair:

1) Entitled to be getting away with it. They believe, rightly or not, that their BH is not worthy of them because he is bad in bed or works all the time or doesn't give her the attention he did before they were married and the kids were born. She deserves to be worshiped/desired by some guy and is willing to give him sex to keep it going.

2) Thrilled to be getting away with it because it is giving them the kick that's lacking in their lives. After all, their BH's will never find out so what harm is this little dalliance that brings them so many ego strokes, excitement, and good sex.

3) Since they are trapped in an abusive marriage they feel totally entitled to find love elsewhere. They keep it hidden because they still need a dad for the kids and his paycheck comes in handy when the bills are due, but other than that and killing spiders their BH is a useless asshole.

After the affair is found out I think the broad categories are:

1) OMG! My "harmless" fling now threatens to destroy my marriage! This wasn't how this was supposed to turn out. I'm so embarrassed to be busted and terrified of being outed because I never wanted to be "that kind of woman". I must do whatever I can possibly do to chill him out, smooth this thing over and get back to "normal". I regret being caught and feel crushed by the consequences I am and will be paying.

2) Damn! Now I have to deal with this shit or just leave. Well, maybe I'll stay until I can work out a plan to leave and start up with my AP. I have to placate the sob until then but I know how to do that - been faking it for years. Worst case is we enjoy a phony, reconciled marriage and I'll start up with AP again after this blows over.

3) Good! Something has to change and maybe now it will. I was praying that one of us would just die but maybe this will force us to finally end this agony of a marriage. Of course there's always the whole money thing and drama of visitation but hopefully we can work that out. Then there's the history we have and all the spiders he's killed for me and, well, maybe he isn't quite the asshole I've made him out to be. Maybe it's best to just sit tight, pretend I give a shit about him and our marriage and see what happens.

The one every BH determined to reconcile hopes for is:

4) OMG! Look how I've crushed my BH and marriage! I didn't want to admit it to myself but I knew this was a possible outcome - I just didn't want to believe it because I thought having a husband for family life and a lover for my sex life was perfect for everyone. How can I get back to that blissful situation? How can I make him forgive me and trust me again.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 12:16 PM, April 24th (Tuesday)]

I think one other category is:

5) Yup. I cheated. You’re pathetic (as she rolls her eyes at me) I don’t love you anymore. Not sure I ever did. I don’t care if I hurt you. You’re an asshole. And no I’m not sorry. I checked out of this marriage years ago. I’m proud of myself for doing what I want and sticking up for myself. I deserve to be happy. The kids will be fine. And yes I enjoyed the sex with AP. But hey I still want to be friends with you cause you’re a “good guy” and celebrate holidays and birthdays together and with the kids. . If you don’t want to be friends with me then you truly are a selfish asshole!

At least in my story this what my XWW’s thinking was. I typed it word for word. This was what I got on Dday. And We havent spoken about it since. I’m no longer in shock. But you can imagine.....my entire marriage was fake. But I didn’t know it until 10 years later. XWW knew it the entire time. I will never understand this “logic” she used on me. The aliens did a bang up job on her!

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 11:14 AM, April 26th (Thursday)]

If I were the cheating spouse, as a woman, I would feel more like I was being used for one thing.

Sex.

I don’t care if the AP says “I❤️U” and all that. Based on what I see the minute the A is exposed, the OW is thrown under the bus and it’s all “it was just sex” etc.

I would feel like a loser b/c the CH probably went home all happy to his wife (despite what he says otherwise).

I’m not a cockroach and I don’t live in the dark or with Secresy.

Just my opinion

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:13 PM, April 26th (Thursday)]

This. ^^^^

You nailed it. That is one reason so many WHs hide the fact that they are married.

Ive spent days, probably 2 weeks reading these forums and in the overwhelming majority of cases, WS tries to come back eventually. Some take them back, many dont. I just wondered how the BS finds the courage to say NO when they do

You find the courage to not be treated like crap and plan B anymore. You decide how people treat you. It's easy, they killed the marriage with the affair. You just have to do what they didn't have the courage to do and file for a D. They just leave you with more responsibility. We all know that WS are immature, selfish and complete irresponsible.

You find the courage to not be treated like crap and plan B anymore. You decide how people treat you. It's easy, they killed the marriage with the affair. You just have to do what they didn't have the courage to do and file for a D. They just leave you with more responsibility. We all know that WS are immature, selfish and complete irresponsible.

AMEN! ^^^^^^^^^