SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all. Hope everyone is well. I am feeling super defeated. I have cheated before on my spouse by talking to other men online and flirting with others heavily in person. He found out by going through my computer. This was a year or so ago. I used to justify this behavior in my mind because my man would disappear for hours or days at a time because he was suffering from some medical issues but failed to communicate that to me. It wasn't his fault but I was feeling neglected and like a bottom priority to him. Eventually we broke up and I started seeing someone new.

For the first time in my life I completely stopped talking to him which was something I NEVER ONCE did in my life. It made him fear losing me for good and he came chasing after me. We got back together Jan. of this year and started therapy together. All was going well though was hard... we had an argument or fight a few weeks back beginning of April and he called me a bad name and told me he didnt know if he could do this. I was very upset and when he is upset with me he tends to withdraw which is something I really don't do well with. He can go hours or sometimes a day or so without reaching out to me (we dont live together) I tend to use alcohol to numb my feelings when these type of things happen between us. I usually will drink until I feel good and I forget about the issues. This happened a few weeks ago. I was being cocky and wanted ego boosts and ended up in my drunken stupor downloading some hookup apps on my phone. Tinder and some bisexual/lesbian type apps. I was talking to a bunch of people on them... flirting etc. but never met up with anyone from these apps. I deleted them from my phone 2-3 days after when I realized i was being irrational and stupid. A week ago we were in Mexico and my man was on my phone while I was sleeping... he was looking around and looked at apps I had downloaded. He noticed these apps had been in my cloud so weren't currently on the phone but had been. He could see the last time they were downloaded and redownloaded to see if he could find convo. history. He was successful. He saw I had been chatting up with women (which now he thinks maybe shes bi, or a lesbian), and men about sexual fantasies/ideas.

I started to deny it on the spot as I had been heavily drinking on vacation that day and wasnt in the frame of mind to discuss. He said i was cheating and hooked up with people and it was over. It got very escalated. He said I was lying and trying to cover things up and assumed I met with people. I haven't fully come clean about it all for some reasons. I dont even remember MANY of the conversations I had on these apps as I was not sober. He wants to know the FULL truth about this or he is going to walk away and end things with me. We were doing so well in therapy for the last 2-3 months. He says he knows more than I know he does. I am afraid since I don't even remember most of the conversations that he will think I am not being truthful. I feel setup and doomed to fail. I really want to fix this. I know I need to get help for my issues which I am completely committed to doing. I will never succumb to that behavior again. I don't want to lose my guy. Help!!!!

You really need to work on coping mechanisms. You have horrible ones right now.

These kinds of things can be rooted in childhood issues. Have you had any tramatic experiences before during childhood? I had some bad experiences some really bad ones as a child. I didn't understand how those experiences helped shape me and I ignored them for far too long. Look into it. You may be repressing something.

Yes my father was abusive verbally and physically to my mother growing up. I know I need to change these coping mechanisms which is what I expressed. I am really serious about fixing this and do not want to lose him.

Messedup how are you doing? Any developments?

Hi. I’m not ok. I have told BS I’d do anything to make this ok. Anything to fix what I’ve done. Everything to make things ok again. He hasn’t wanted to see me much since DDay I get why. I have been very depressed over this all and just not used to the new way things are. We hardly even talk anymore. We haven’t had the chance for me to tell him much yet but I’m afraid I’ve already lost him. I’m so down over this all. We normally talk a lot daily via text mainly and today he said two things all day. He asked “you ok?” Very short. And I replied with “no I’m not ok..” he asked me why what’s up? And I didn’t reply. He never followed up to his text asking why. Made me feel like I don’t matter anymore to him. I have no idea what this means. I guess I need to back off for awhile and give him space since I am the one who ruined everything.

A quick thought - you say he asked what's up. That's him seeking an answer. By the way, he doesn't want to dig now. He's not up for games. This is your chance!

From a BH side it comes off as please rescue me! Show me you love me and that I'm worth something. Which by the way he is thinking something similar in that he wants you to show him that he is worth your time and effort.

he asked me why what’s up? And I didn’t reply. He never followed up to his text asking why.

This right here is you trying to make him do the work to engage you. He reached out, and you are hurt that he didn't push harder when you ignored him?

He's not the one who should be doing the chasing. If you want this to work, you need to take every opportunity to connect with him - not treat it as some test to see if he cares enough to hound you for connection.

You are right. He reached out. I shouldn't have been selfish and ignored him. I wanted to see if he even cared anymore. I felt defeated and majorly depressed. He was upset he said that I ignored him yesterday which I did... He says he is protecting himself. He said I could just say I am having a hard time with this at least. He wasnt thrilled he said. That he was upset that this is where we are. and that i must be upset with him. He said that he didnt do this and throw me away so easily. Which I understand.

He wants me to write a letter confessing all I did, why I did it where we go from here. He says he knows more than i even know he does... I worry I dont remember some as I was drinking when I committed this. I am not using that as any excuse but I fear I wont give him what he needs and it will be over. I do not want to let him down I want to give him all he needs and I want whole heartily to fix this completely and help BS to heal.

have you told him this and tried to be completely honest with him?

have I told him that I was drinking? Yes... I haven't been fully honest about anything yet as we haven't talked fully about it. He discovered what he did on his own and asked me to write a letter and come clean... I just am not sure this is the best way or will be what he needs so I am scared that I am no matter what going to fail. I am going to write my letter in the next couple of days and hopefully give to him and then we can discuss.

I'm not sure why, but something in your story has caught my attention more than normal. I think it's because I see much of wife in your actions. Maybe I'm just projecting. Anyway....

I would want a letter detailing everything as much as possible. Go through your emails and correspondence. Prior not them out to go with the letter. Thank it in a time line! Note which nights you were drunk.... give him everything. I know it's tough but put your cards ♣️ n the table. Be open, genuine and vulnerable.

Your best chance, in my opinion

Hi I cant print the correspondence out as they were made through dating apps. I have deleted them off my phone. I am afraid I don't recall many of the conversations I had with people. I never met up with anyone I spoke with.

messedup82 - he's giving you a chance. If you truly want him, please take it.

If he's reaching out to you via txt - answer. This isn't the time to see if he'll crawl through fire for you - it is the time for you to do it for him.

Write/type out every single thing you do remember. Recover what you can. Let him know what you attempted of what you can't.

As for the apps - use the Cloud or whatever back up you've done on your phone. At least try.

And after you have done all the above- offer to take a poly. Perhaps doing that will show your willingness and give you the opportunity to prove what you really don't remember and can't recover.

I dont want him to think I am being shady by downloading the apps again or putting them on my phone. Should I let him know this first?

yes, of course.

and tell him why.

you could have him with you when you do this.

My advice is to write down *everything* you can remember, first. Every last detail. Any scrap of memory you can get, even if it doesn't fit together to make a whole puzzle.

Then reinstall the apps, and see what else is there. Offer for him to be there when you do, like harrybrown suggested. Explain that you are trying to fill in as much detail as you can.

If you jump straight to the apps, your desire to cover your tracks will kick in. Or at least, mine did. And you'll be tempted to confine your letter to things in the apps. Things that are safe to tell him, because you know he already read all that.

If your goal is really to give him the whole truth, don't stop with whatever can be proven by app history.

Every last detail. I know it's scary. Facing that fear is the price of a chance at saving this. Write it all down. Then ask him how much detail he wants. You can always hold back details he said he doesn't want. But if you make that decision for him, you are not giving him the truth, you are controlling the narrative to make yourself seem more forgivable. That would be a mistake.

Take it from a guy whose BS moved out, and is getting divorced for making that exact mistake. You need to put it all out there. You need to take every chance he gives you to be honest and open. It's okay if you take those chances and fall on your face. But if you don't take them, you will fail and you'll have to live knowing maybe you could have saved this if you'd just trusted him and gone all in.

Good luck. Don't be like me. Be brave.

@RepentantPaladin

You have some good suggestions. Do I let him know that this is what I plan to do in the next few days?

I want to still be able to see him in the mean time... but without being pushy about it. I have a feeling this will take more than just one day of getting things written down and together. I work full time and have 2 kids on my own so I dont have a ton of time to myself by the end of the day. I am making this a priority obviously as its top to me.

Absolutely let him know what your plan is. Ask if he has suggestions for ways to make it a better plan; but make it clear that you are going to come up with the best plan you can, and then stick to the plan.

As far as real life goes: you need to be realistic about what you can do. Figure out how long you think this will take you in terms of hours of work, then figure out how many hours you can spend on it, and come to how many days you'll need. If there are milestones you can set (like "I'm done with what I remember on my own, time to move on to apps") then ask him if he'd like to know when you reach milestones.

If you are thorough, I doubt you can create a comprehensive in a day. It's mentally and emotionally super exhausting, not to mention there may be lots of stuff in those app histories to read through and get incorporated into your timeline.

I totally understand wanting to see him in the meantime. Tell him you'd like to see him. But don't be surprised or offended if he holds back and says that he'll see you when it's done. Frankly, not seeing him in the meantime may help motivate you to complete the timeline, and give you a taste of what it'd be like if he was gone from your life forever - which is what could happen if you are not honest with your timeline.

My spouse was super understanding of "I don't remember" statements, as long as she could tell that I was trying to remember, and that I was telling her everything I could remember. Hopefully yours will be similar - not everyone is. To me it seems reasonable to not remember some things because you were drunk - but don't dare try to hide things you do/could remember behind drinking. It won't work. He'll be able to tell, because you'll know. And you'll be cheating him of the truth.

So: communicate everything to him: your plans, your worries, your wants, everything. Ask him for suggestions / input, but try to have your own plan versus just coming to him asking for his help. Don't dial back the communication at all unless he asks you to. Right now the key to everything you are doing is transparency; ideally he will know what you're doing and why you're doing it at all times. If you catch yourself thinking "but what if he thinks <XXX>" then you haven't communicated enough and you need to reach out and explain what you're thinking/doing.

You can do this. You can do this together.

If you think "Should I tell him ..." the answer is yes. It's basically always yes. He gets to decide when he wants you to dial back the disclosure of what you're thinking/feeling/doing. Until or unless he does: default to yes!

@RepentantPaladin

Great advice. Thank you so much. Today I asked if we could get together. He said he isn't looking forward to it. That its really hard for him. When we do talk during the day he is very negative CONSTANTLY. He says things like "I had enough pain, I didn't need more from you. I didn't need betrayal." he says often "that was the past" BS. to me. That look its fine he understands... and he calls things like he sees them. That I can go have fun.... which I feel is maybe his insecurity. He says that I don't trust him so I cant love him. He tells me often that I am not who I told him I was. I wasn't honest with him... he tells me that he isn't dating but that I cant say the same ( I AM NOT DATING ANYONE!!!)

He says I didn't push when it mattered and now after he finds out that he doesn't really mean much to me, all the sudden I care.

BS here.

messedup82 do you love your hu8sband? Do you want this marriage?

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 12:07 PM, May 1st (Tuesday)]