SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

HurtKW, my situation was very similar. Similar marriage duration, three kids of similar ages to yours. I found out 18 months after my W's A had fizzled out [which it evidentially had] and was an approx 1 year EA to PA then back to EA (we live in different countries, so distance and disillusion saw it fade away).

Personally, I don't think you can move on without knowing everything, or as close as you can get. Your future needs to be based on the truth, not what she chooses to share. In the latter case, she stays in control and continues to manipulate the situation. And you won't lose your rage because you'll always be wondering.

Of course 'everything' means different things to different people. I wanted to know all the where and whens of them meeting and having sex, but I didn't want an account of what happened between the sheets because that meant nothing extra to me, other than more pain.

Others want to know every tiny detail, and that's fine, because that's what they need.

But a clear timeline and believable, ideally provable account of the facts is a must for R in my opinion, especially as there is a 99.9% chance that your WS has not revealed everything.

As to getting the truth about the details of the A, that is an individual decision for every BS.

It has been my observation that many BS feel they need to know the details, even the most intimate ones, because otherwise their imagination fills in details and creates mind movies.

There is also a sense that your WW has created a private extramarital factual universe in an area that should be exclusively limited to the intimacy of the married couple. The way to restore intimacy and put the married couple on equal footing is for both spouses to know all of the details of the factual universe of the A.

There are some who are comfortable not knowing these details. Me, personally, I would not be able to R without knowing them.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:34 AM, May 1st (Tuesday)]

How important is it for me to "know everything" in the grand scheme of things?

You will never know 100%, simply never going to happen, but you might get 75% or so. It's up to you to decide if you are willing to let it go, or like most of us here, I had to know where I was starting from.

I gave her an opportunity to come clean with everything, and if it turned out later to be a lie or minimized, for whatever reason, we were done.

Sometimes the A isn't as bad as the continued lying about it. You can't rebuild any trust based on lies and omissions.

No point in trying to protect you, the damage is done.

I don't want to be with anyone else

If you can't see yourself with anyone else and she knows this, then she also knows she can probably get away with extending or breaking boundaries. Nothing scares a wayward spouse straight more than knowing their betrayed spouse is independently capable and willing to move on with their lives to free themselves of being victimized by infidelity.

Unfortunately WS's inadvertently tests the will of BS's and then act in accordance to the strength and conviction or lack thereof of the BS. If she knows you're staying despite her past transgressions, your emotional safety and health is at her mercy. Your heart is in her hands. If you are ok with this, then so be it. If you're not, then you have to see yourself having a life with or without her and that you'll be okay either way.

[This message edited by Jorge at 12:12 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday)]

Did you ever go to car dealer and start negotiating and they kept jacking you around, adding misc fees, lousy interest rate, and the floor mats are extra type of shit. You get up and walk out the door and about the time you get to your car they all but tackle you. They have miraculously found a better interest rate and floor mat are now a gimmee.

What Jorge said above is a lot like that, when dealing with a WS. They have to be convinced you are out the door before they get it.

Once again I appreciate everyone who has responded to this thread!

I agree with both points of view. I really want the truth, but what if what she has said IS the truth, and I am continuing to dwell instead of moving on?

I have (PLEASE don't judge me!!) gotten her really drunk on multiple occasions (to the point of not remembering the night before) for the sole reason of questioning her to find out answers. Nothing more nothing less. I wanted to remove her defense mechanism and just get the truth. Usually when people get that drunk, the truth comes out. I did this again last night. Each time, "the story" remains the same. One time, outside his house by the pool, with a condom. Same story every time. This is also the same story the other man told his wife (minus the condom part).

My mind takes me to all kinds of dark places. At the end of the day does it matter? An affair and sex is what it is, no matter how many times the bond is broke. Should I take the advise of some and just say F it stop Dwelling and move on?

I have kept tabs like no bodies business. They are blocked on social media, I check phone records, Find my IPhone, etc. she has been completely truthful about whereabouts, no contact, etc.

Am I holding myself back Bc I am the type of person that needs to know all details? I'm not talking about positions, etc, but just the more than once BS

[This message edited by HurtKW at 7:06 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday)]

I found out in July 2017 there was a 1 year EA/PA going on

Only you can decide if it matters enough. She could be telling the truth, although common sense would say otherwise.

At what point in that year did it go PA? IMO, once it goes PA, it seems they continue as often as opportunity allows, if there is an infatuation factor.

Maybe a timeline would help. Was there opportunity after the "first time"? Is this guy local? What other evidence did you find?

Would she agree to an automatic non-contested divorce if you ever find out she was lying or omitting? Would she put that in writing?

And, is it all worth it?

Good luck.

I suggest reading http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp.

If it speaks to you, I suggest printing it off and asking your W to read it. See hoe she responds.

Don't tell her about SI. Just say you found it on the web. You do not want her here unless she finds SI herself, to get help healing, or is she gets truly remorseful.

has she ever written out a timeline of the A?

all of the meetings and the sex ones?

you will never get the truth and will never heal.

how would she feel if you had an A?

has she even thought about your pain?

you are in R, and may never get there until you are willing to file for D.

She was not special. he had other AP.

hope you went for std testing. both of you.

no consequences. when is she going to do this again to you? it hurts the first time and the second time.

until you get tough, you will not make any progress. Does not sound like she cares for you or your marriage.

I printed off the suggestion of the post from earlier about the post from the unnamed source directed to the wayward spouse. She is supposed to be reading it right now. I also ordered the book so suggested earlier" how to help your spouse heal from an affair. "

It won't get here for another couple weeks... but I told her it was coming. Didn't say what it was, other than it was important to me that she reads it. I'll Keep you updated.

Again- thanks to all that took time out of their day/lives to respond to this thread! It means more than you can know. I want to reconcile, and all this info is so very helpful. Pray for me please'n

And an update: after I told her how much it mean to me for her to read what I had printed off...I walk inside 20 minutes later to her reading Facebook Bc it was just "too much for her to read". A fight ensued- she hit me several times and threatened to leave. Telling me she has heard it all before.

I had quit tobacco and alcohol literally the same month her affair started. One year later when I found out I am

Addicted to both. I'm drowning and can't get back to shore. Please help

Your wife is NOT remorseful and is rug sweeping the EA/PA and in the process making you into a doormat. This will only set you up for more pain and will make your marriage toxic.

Have you tried IC for both of you? IC for you because you need help to process her infidelity, your relationship and your addiction. IC for her to understand why she strayed and how to become a safer partner.Whether you decide to D or R is entirely up to you and your future happiness. Remember that R is only possible if both parties are willing to put in the effort.

IMO, you should file for divorce to show her the consequences of her infidelity. Since the D process will take time,you can attempt R if WW is showing any remorse.

No polygraph...but I do get why it is brought up. I'm very private, I don't want to bring in any more people then I have to

Translation: I'd rather keep my head buried in the sand because it's so nice and warm around my ears.

ONE polygraph administrator is all you'd be dealing with.

Well that, and the TRUTH.

Please get yourself into AA.

Then find a GOOD counselor for YOU.

Your wife is NOT remorseful at all.

You cannot rebuild a marriage on a bed of lies.

Please take this time to focus on getting yourself healthy. Stop the drinking and smoking.

Your wife assaulted you.

Is this the woman you cannot live without?

You MUST lean on a TRUSTED family member or friend or member of the clergy.

Her affair is eating you alive, you need to save yourself from drowning before you can even consider the future of your marriage with this woman.

BTW, one year and sex only one time, not buying it either.

Please get help.

I walk inside 20 minutes later to her reading Facebook Bc it was just "too much for her to read"

Interpretation: Our marriage isn't important enough to put forth even a minimal effort to save.

I won't read it even as a courtesy to you.

Sadly, I see this as a time to see a lawyer and file. She either doesn't care, or doesn't think you're serious.

Continuing to use your existing approach isn't working, and I see it just more anguish if you continue this tack.

'What Every WS Needs to Know' was very difficult for my W to read because she was remorseful. I don't know where your W is, but her inability to read something doesn't prove much.

I think alcohol is way more damaging than tobacco. I concur with the recommendation for AA, although a good IC might help, too.

You can't think straight or feel your feelings on booze, and you need to do both to recover from being betrayed.

Her refusal to read doesn't prove much.

However, her actions prove everything.

A remorseful WS,a spouse who loves their husband, doesn't hit them "several times."

His drinking didn't cause her to hit him "several times."

I don't think anyone should be encouraging this man to try to reconcile with his physically abusive wife.

There's a wayward wife,brand new, who alluded to her husband getting violent. Which could mean anything from hitting her, to throwing things, to putting his fist through a wall. She wasn't clear. However she's been told, repeatedly, to leave him,he's dangerous. Interesting that this man is getting a different response, at least so far.

OP, you should file a police report,and Keep a var on you at all times. Your wife is dangerous. And you can't put it past her to try to file a false domestic abuse report. Protect yourself. You need to file a report, and for divorce.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:56 AM, May 4th (Friday)]

I will agree that AA would be appropriate if HurtKW can't walk away from alcohol for a few months. I will respectfully disagree with some that think refusing to read an article, at the BS request, is not a sign. If she is not willing to do that, albeit difficult, that is showing action, or lack of it.

If she reading a short article is too much to handle, she'll never be able to handle R.

She said she read the article this morning at work (took ithe printed copy with her). Said she didn't want me "quizzing" her on it last night. I told her it was to help her help me and that wasn't my intention. She also said she is going to read the book as well when it comes in.

I think she is remorseful, and feels like it is an attack to her character. I just want her to understand that all this "stuff" I have been doing is Bc of what she did. I got a haircut last night for the first time since I found out. I had let myself go so to speak. I told her it was a big step and showed I was healing.

With that said I worked from home today- had a breakdown this morning talking to her about it. Of course I finished off a bottle of whisky and it is just now past noon my time. I know I have a problem, but at this point AA isn't going to help until she is helping. They go hand in hand

I repeat- I DO 100% believe the affair is over. I have taken all kinds of steps to make sure I am aware and feel very comfortable in that. However the problem I can't get over personally is the A itself, and the trust that was lost

She's physically abusive to you. AND she's the one who cheated.

You seriously need to get away from her until she learns to play nice.