SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my second post. My affair of 16 months ended a couple weeks ago. And my wife of 31 years does not know about it (yet). That is something I have to face, I know, but until I get more emotionally stable, there is no way I would be able to handle it.

I am day 4 of successful' no contact' with my AP (after a couple failed early attempts by me) and day 14 since the affair ended when she dumped me for another guy. Although I was preparing for an end for the past couple months, the sudden-ness and the way it happened really hurt and paralyzed me. I am an emotional rollercoaster and have periods of pain and hurt beyond imagine.

I am desperately trying to put this behind me, so I can begin to make sense of it all and move on to focus on my marriage. But I am struggling.

I do not think I can focus on rebuilding my marriage, or even attempt the right conversation with my wife about the A until I am more emotionally stable.

In the meantime, I am trying to be outwardly happy and attentive to my wife and focus on her, and focus on the good things that are happening. Meanwhile, inside my mind and heart are screaming.

I was hoping a WS who has been through these early days might have some advice on strategies to get through this period.

What to do, what not to do to be able to move on and out of 'fog'.

My situation isn’t exactly the same as yours, because I ended my affair myself, but it is similar because I went 2 months after the affair ended before I told my wife/she found out. Also similar because my affair was emotional and I bonded with AP a lot.

The truth is that it’s really hard and I don’t have any practical tips to take the pain away. It’s the payback you knew was ultimately coming when you embarked on an affair that couldn’t possibly have a happy ending. In hindsight I don’t think I was able to move on much at all before my wife knew everything. You telling her, and seeing the pain, is going to snap you out of your emotional instability and feeling sorry for yourself pretty quickly. I’m only about 2 weeks from Dday and things are still raw for me... I also still have lingering feelings for OW that don’t just go away overnight. However, I can say with confidence that the biggest single thing that has set me on the right path has been telling my wife everything. It’s really hard but you have to do it. My advice is to do it sooner rather than later.

Oh, and if you search my posts you’ll see that only a few weeks back I was on here trying to convince myself that I didn’t need to tell my wife. Everyone told me how important it was, and I can now see why.

Oh, and you won’t be able to stay in NC if you don’t tell your wife. I’d be willing to bet money you’ll get drawn back in. Break the cycle now. Tell your wife and focus your energies and emotions into her. Easier said than done (I know from experience!), but there is no other way and every day you wait is prolonging the emotional anguish you’re suffering

I was in the fog bad! I’m now a month out and out of it. The only tho g that helped Was to read these!!! I explained “the fog” to my husband and he understood more. What also helped me get out of pining, was writing a list of all of the negative qualities of the AP, and th positive qualities of your spouse. Check out these articles! Focus on their negative traits and how they destroyed your marriage with no remorse.

https://www.emotionalaffair.org/the-four-ms-why-cheaters-cannot-leave-their-affair-partners/

https://www.goasksuzie.com/cant-get-over-the-other-man-i-am-dying-inside/

https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/why-cant-i-get-over-my-affair-partner/amp/

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/ending-an-affair-step-one-make-the-decision

Oh I wish I had your problem but nope I got caught. Had I known how bad this was going to be it would have been so much easier to end it.

My suggestion is to read as many of these stories that you can. It helps.

I have bumped Maia’s withdrawal guide for you it should be at the top of the wayward thread list now - well worth a read

I think you need to be honest and tell your BW, before she finds out through some other means. The fog did not lift from me for a long time...and I did not tell my BH for a long time. Until my BH found out, I think I remained in a fog for more than a year.

lordtennyson

For me, it took around three months. Like you, I missed my AP terribly even though I was the one who ended the A. Around the 3 month mark, I was feeling a little bit better so I decided to check out her FB profile. Guess what? She had already found her new soul mate! It literally felt like someone punched me in the stomach. It was at that moment any trace of the fog vanished. I wasn’t upset because I lost my “true love” to another man but because I almost threw everything away for someone who was as morally bankrupt as I.

When you can finally accept who your AP really is and not who you thought they were is when you’ll be able to emerge from the fog

You're a druggie without a fix (dopamine) and are going through withdrawal. What you are feeling is a mix of pining for the AP, chemical withdrawal, Hurt that you were dumped and the shear amazement in your self as to how you could have been so stupid to have been so wayward.

For me it started to pass in a couple of weeks. I benefited greatly from physical activity. I went wild working out in new boxing gym. Loved hitting and kicking everything in sight

Thanks everybody, this helps a lot. I thought I was the only one who felt like this.

I have a long way to go, but I am starting to come out of the 'fog' and starting to feel incredible remorse, guilt, some anger at my AP, and still some hurt.

I know it is time to focus less on me, and more on my marriage and my wonderful wife.

I have noticed its either one of 2 things really.

You get caught or the other person ends the Affair when your not ready. It's a Gut punch. Im sure you were under the impression everything was going good and one day the AP is saying "Lets end things" and then goes the No Contact.

It's so swift and hard to deal with. I dont wish this feeling on anyone.

I would say that you need some perspective. Affairs are fantasy constructs. They are not real life.

This is why they are so powerful. You wrap yourself in a fantasy environment, and on top of that you add the secrecy, and intense feelings that the illicit acts bring on.

Yes you have feelings about the affair partner. What helped me was to really drill down into myself and try to figure out what was happening inside me.

I tried to look at my APs as broken as myself. They were using me as I was using them. This helped because it helped me to see that I wasn’t special to them. If it had not been me it would have been someone else.

It also helped me to start looking over the relationship with an eye to actions didn’t add up. Things said, actions taken, all of these helped me to see the falseness of it all.

It’s hard to do that when you are trying to mourn, but looking at the situation that way can help you move toward indifference.

For myself I also had to admit that if it hadn’t been her that it would have been someone else. My compartmentalizations was so fine tuned that at the end I was stringing a PA along while I was working on 2 other women to become physical.

It really helps acceptance when you are able to really see the AP and yourself for what you really are. Two broken people who used each other in a way that that wasn’t respectful of yourself or her.

Yes, you hurt, but your hurting is based on a relationship that was a lie to both of you. It doesn’t make it easier, but it gives you a basis in reality that you can work from in order to divorce yourself from the fantasy and look at reality.

Shirley Glass in Not Just friend writes:

A compelling aspect of emotional affairs is the positive mirroring that occurs. We like how we see ourselves reflected in the other person’s eyes. By contrast, in our long-term relationships, our reflection is like a 5x makeup mirror in which our flaws are magnified. In a new romance, our reflection is like the rosy glow of an illuminated vanity mirror.

Thor9090, sorrowfulmate

Thanks. This really was important for me to hear this.

It was certainly a gut punch. Everything was wonderful one day and the next, I got radio silence, NC.

And to find out how quickly and easily my AP was able to switch to another man, within 3 weeks.

It has made me feel used, manipulated even and preyed upon during a time of vulnerability. Everything the AP did and said got me more and more roped in.

As I look back at it now, my affair was so one-sided. It was all in service of my AP needs. I thought I was so special. I was just convenient at the time. Until she found a better deal!

Sure, I have to own this. I did not see the warning signs ( in an EA long before the PA). And when it happened, I didn't stop it, even though I had reservations, especially early on.

I am reading the Shirley Glass book and it is amazing how similar her case studies were to my exact situation.

I realize I need to get my head focused on my real life, and real marriage, not my A which was a fantasy. But the withdrawal symptoms are pretty severe still sometimes.

One day at a time....

lordtennyson74, Needtomoveon1, and Thor0909,

You guys are fairly new to this, right? Here's a question I want to pose to you guys, and I wanna encourage you to be as detailed as you can be with the answer (this pertains to the fog question).

When you think of your BW, what's the first feeling that comes to you? Is there guilt in there - and if so, do you turn towards it, or do you tend to have trouble confronting it?

One of the ways of dispersing the fog is to think of your BW. Practice empathy. Walk in her shoes. If this is hard to do, I want to ask you where your mind goes immediately after - what thought do you use to distract yourself from the guilt?

I'm willing to bet your pining for the AP/your A is part of that. Thinking about that is the habit you've been in for months. You resist changing that habit, because the guilt of what you've done to your BW is painful.

Sit with that pain.

Once you've done that, I wanna suggest a thought exercise: what do you think your affair has cost your BW? Write down a list. Expand on each answer as it comes to you - feelings, memories that come to mind.

You must be willing to train your mind in a new habit. You have to be willing to let the AP and A go, and focus attention to the person who deserves it: your BW. The woman you made vows to. The woman who NEEDS you right now.

You're looking at a dream and a fantasy, while your real-life love of your life bleeds out in front of you. Your wife.

One last thought exercise: what do you love about your wife?

Be willing to write down these answers, and to remain with the pain of hurting your wife. That is reality.

Yes im new to this. My Affair ended 5 days ago so im on day 5 of zero communication with the Affair Partner. I have removed her from all Social Media (My AP wanted to keep me as friends and act like nothing happened) She ended things so im standing firm with the NC.

Thinking back. I agree. I believe we used each other. Some days i felt more loving then her. And days where she felt more loving then me. It was odd. Like giving each other a hit of some drug. Mixed in with fighting, getting jealous if i took my wife on a date or if a birthday came up, mothers day, etc.

But it became a habit. Texting was so normal. Knew her husbands work schedule, knew her work schedule, knew when to text knew when not to. If i wanted that fix of feeling wanted i didn't turn to my wife i turned to my drug of choose (My AP). I knew if i said "I miss you.." i got a "I miss you too" or if i said "I love you so much" i got a "I love you so much too" back.

Thinking more on this and my logic around this i can't believe i was doing this. I have Guilt.

Again it's day 5 with zero contact and im struggling. I want that hit again but i know it's wrong and this is all just fantasy. I was caught up in this fantasy land. It was so easy and felt so good. I dont wish this on anyone

Thor, I can see you're still going through withdrawal. Your post above was about the AP. You are continuing the habit of keeping her in your thoughts.

Let's start with one question: what do you love about your wife?

Please, try to focus on the answer, focus on your wife. I can guess it's going to be hard. But it's going to help you.

ETA: Guilt is a good place to start. Please tell more. What do you feel guilty about?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 9:56 AM, May 3rd (Thursday)]

Thank you Silverhopes

As for me, lordtennyson, I am also very new to all of this. Its been only 2 weeks since the A ended and 6 days of NC.

These exercises are exactly what I was searching for to help me move past the fantasy of the A and back to the real world to my wife and my marriage.

I have such a wonderful wife and have had a great marriage for 31 years. I am amazed at how much I have risked and still risk in my marriage with my chosen life partner who I took vows with.

I still have the disclosure stage to go through. So far the A has ended and my BW does not yet know. I will need to seek a lot of support and advice when I get to that day. I am not ready yet. I know I have to be honest to my BW and reveal all, but I want myself to be emotionally strong enough to support her . I also feel the need to read up on all of the excellent advice that is out there - Linda MacDonalds book and Shirley Glass's book - I am reading both of them now.

I will try the exercises you suggest. I have also been trying to be more in the moment with my wife and really look for the things that made me love and marry her in the first place and stay married to her for 31 years.

Also started thinking about the AP in a different light lately.....more now as someone who was incredibly selfish and didn't care really whether it ruined my life or my marriage. My AP was already going thru a divorce so she had nothing to lose. I was convenient, vulnerable and not strong enough to resist. I blame myself and the guilt at times is overwhelming.

Any other advice is welcome as I try to move to the next stage......thanks!!

Those are good first steps, Lordtennyson.

I have also been trying to be more in the moment with my wife and really look for the things that made me love and marry her in the first place and stay married to her for 31 years.

What are those things? Write them out here. The more you talk about it, the more you'll think about it.

Silverhopes, et al

Sorry for the delay. I had a MAJOR setback on putting my A behind me and it put me in a very dark place for awhile.

After my AP ended the affair last month and gave me 'this is the last time you will hear from me' note, I got an email from AP on NC day 7 and says' hope youre doing well, and you had a fantastic therapy session. Sorry things got so wierd'

What did it mean? Why did my AP send me that note? To make me feel better or make her feel better?

I had just started to feel a little better, spending more time with my wife, and spending more time helping friends and my kids.

It felt like someone gut punched me. I went back to the very beginning, only worse. Like a scab being ripped off. Now today, my AP has blocked me from FB. Another gut punch.

So, my realization is that this is going to take a long time, and I will need to take some deliberate steps.

When I am rational, I can think about all the things the A has done to wreck my life - what the A has cost me SO FAR ( my job, my health) and the pain it is still causing me.

I have now realized that a good part of this pain is b/c my A is still a secret, ie, my BS does not know yet. the A ended before my BS found out. That in itself is eating me alive.

So then....When I think about the pain and suffering that confessing will cause my BS, my kids, my aging parents, friends.......I feel even worse.

My A has left me nothing. I feel so alone in my pain. I feel so dirty and disgusted with myself. How could I let this happen in the first place? It is such a compromise of my own values and what I stand for. It gives me a huge identity crisis.

And how is it that I am grieving so deeply for an A and an AP who so quickly dumped and NC'd me for another person. Its irrational.

Reading the 'withdrawal guide from Maia helps, reading these posts, and articles about 'withdrawal'. Therapy helps some.

One big realization - I am still holding onto the A and the AP and I have not taken that step yet that says ' it is over'. My AP has done that to me, but I have realized that I have not done that for myself.

Part of me says I need to send my AP ' it is over' letter. But when I read all of these posts they advise otherwise.

What do you think? Stay NC? or write that ' it is over for me and this is a goodbye?

I think it's best for you to just realize that closure in these situations doesn't happen. Sending a note in return will possibly cause one in return and you already know the first time it sent you back. It's better just to ignore it and stay NC. I think there is power in holding the boundary and could help you much more than if you send anything in return. Talk it over with IC, but they should tell you the same if they are worth their salt.

It does take some time, and it is painful, but you will be able to get through it.