SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hope this is ok.

Sometimes this this forum gets soooo negative with all the threads with all of the lost souls that have been thrown into hell thanks to their cheating partners.

In order to help them (and us), how about if you put a link here about a BS that you think did a good, not perfect, dealing with their hell

ON TOPIC: Respect the original posters' intent and avoid threadjacking. Feel free to start new topics to discuss general subject matter in other threads, but do not refer to specific topics or threads outside of their original location.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:57 PM, May 4th (Friday)]

Anyone have Ohforanewme’s thread about he final decision?

I don't know about "did it right" as there's not a wrong answer if a BS is not wanting to D....

But this one has always stuck out at me.

EDIT: Respect the original posters' intent and avoid threadjacking. Feel free to start new topics to discuss general subject matter in other threads, but do not refer to specific topics or threads outside of their original location.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:58 PM, May 4th (Friday)]

EDIT: Respect the original posters' intent and avoid threadjacking. Feel free to start new topics to discuss general subject matter in other threads, but do not refer to specific topics or threads outside of their original location.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:59 PM, May 4th (Friday)]

Wow. This is not okay, imo.

To expect others to be like other BH's ( as this seems to be the examples you are holding up) is just not "right".

Everyone is different. Circumstances are different. Personalities are different.

One needs to get out of infidelity, that is valid. That does not necessarily mean one must divorce. Those are the only BS's that do it "right" in your eyes?

Many want to try to reconcile their marriages. They are "right" in wanting to do that and in making an effort to do that if they have a WS that is remorseful and willing to do what it takes.

ETA: In the example threads put forth, excluding Butforthegrace's examples, the WS weren't remorseful from what I can determine. So, in that sense, yes divorcing an unremorseful WS is the "right" thing to do and the BH's handled it as well as can be expected under the circumstances.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 1:40 PM, May 4th (Friday)]

'Doing it right' can be a deceptive concept. For example, what's your timeframe - 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years? We're all in different mindsets as time goes on. 7 weeks out, I was in hell on earth. 7+ years out, yeah, I was in hell, but I have some perspective.

Many (most? all?) of us want to get through the pain quickly. With love, though, so much pain comes with infidelity that it simply can't be processed quickly. I bet it will always take longer to process than anybody wants it to.

That means if 'doing it right' means doing it quickly, IMO it also means making less than optimal decisions, because you can't predict the future, and you can't think clearly when you're in the throes of this trauma.

I did it right. Of course, that's more opinion than fact. Hmmm...actually, that's all opinion, no fact.

1) I took the time I needed to decide what I wanted to do.

2) I analyzed my sitch and figured the probabilities of getting what I wanted.

3) I faced every doubt, fear, shame I became aware of. I felt and released my grief, anger, fear, and shame to the best of my ability.

4) I made my decisions and lived with the consequences.

5) I didn't let grief, anger, fear, or shame keep me from doing and getting what I wanted.

6) I heard the voices in my head telling me to do this and that, and I shut them up. I looked into my own heart and did what seemed best to me.

But it took me over 3.5 years to do it. Your time line will be different, but in all likelihood, it will take you more than 3.5 weeks or 3.5 months. In all likelihood - some will make a good decision quickly, of course, especially if the WS moves out. OTOH, many couples have R'ed even after the WS moves out.

The best advice any BS can take, IMO, is:

'Doing it right' means not letting grief, anger, fear, shame, or the impossible-to-fulfill desire to avoid your pain keep you from getting what you want.

'Doing it right' means acting only when your heart, head, and gut align on what the best action for you is, even if that means taking more time than you want to take for your decision.

'Doing it right' means going toward a good life that you - not anyone else, not messages you hear in your head - want. (The corollary is 'doing it right' means not running away.)

'Doing it right' means getting authentic and getting out of the inevitable Drama Triangles.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:53 PM, May 4th (Friday)]

There are many who did it right.

Those who primarily took control in getting out of infidelity usually faired much better, whether they R or D.

These individuals were decisive; they didn't linger in victimhood.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 3:45 PM, May 4th (Friday)]

Awesome post, sisoon, Thank you for explaining doing it "right".

Not a fan of fan clubs.

There is no wrong or right way. Pushing an agenda just doesn’t work for everyone.

My definition of doing it right is that a BH, over time, realizes what he needs to personally heal after his wife cheats on him. I advocate divorce but there are plenty of guys who are able to give her another chance and honestly work to heal themselves and their marriage.

Men often get stuck in the "inertia of life" and are able to lie to themselves about just how much his wife's cheating has done to him and their marriage. For lots of these guys doing the "right thing" is delayed until their true feelings finally boil over or their cheating wife just keeps on fucking them over. Then they dig in and "do it right" and are able to put their personal healing first. They are no longer terrified of losing the life they thought they had before d-day as they begin to finally see the truth about their wife. How they proceed from that point is an individual decision.

Contrast that with "doing it wrong" which, to me, is rugsweeping her cheating out of fear of losing her and their family life. They tell themselves that what she did is not that bad because, after all, it happens all the time. They pray that time will heal their wound and they live unhappily married ever after.

Didn’t mean to offend.

Was looking for threads that could help inspire, either they were heading toward divorce or reconciliation

Was just hoping to have one location where new people could quickly go to and find inspirational threads, again, not trying to lead anyone in either direction

I think Spaceghost0007’s thread should be here right along side of Walloped’s first 2 threads

[This message edited by Kamstel at 3:01 PM, May 4th (Friday)]

Kam,

You didn’t offend. There just is no one right way.

It’s just offensive to think there is and post or repost the one way you or anyone thought was right.

People differ, paths are crooked.

Whatever the two posters you mentioned did to get out of infidelity, it certainly can’t apply across the board. Pinning it would imply that members should follow that direction. Just not a a definitive solution for all members.

[This message edited by Greeneyesbluezy at 3:07 PM, May 4th (Friday)]

While there may be a need for positive stories, I agree with SisterMilkshake and sisoon. Not everyone can keep a cool head, has access to the methods or resources that others do, and many of us are in such a state of shock we can hardly think!

A month ago I would have said I bungled d-day, should have filed to scare my wife, and should have spent some time away from our home to collect my thoughts. But that is not what happened. My wife was severely remorse-challenged and hung on to her guilt-and-shame driven anger far too long. I hung onto my hope far longer than many might. But less than a week ago (at 2 1/2 years post d-day) my wife finally had her "a-ha" moment. And in getting there I had to face some difficult truths about both of us, and I had to decide if I am really as flexible and open-minded as I have always believed I was. With a life's philosophy to leave others better than when I meet them (do no harm / provide opportunities for them to succeed) -- I had to balance the pain with the hope of a good outcome.

For me and my situation, I am a BS who did it right. My wife is a WS who did it wrong for 2 1/2 years, but that is not a reflection on me. And now that she has turned a big corner, we have the chance now to do it right by each other.

I am not sure we do a service to the many BSs who log on here for the first time by pointing them to our "rock star" BSs. When I was new here some of the stories that gave me the most comfort were those that described the pain I was feeling, the frustration, the fear, the endless worry, the stress, the questions, the anger . . . because they helped me feel not so alone!

As someone who’s threads were linked to, I’d just like to point out that while I appreciate the sentiment, I agree with the posters above who highlighted how each person’s situation and circumstances are different. There is no manual to follow.

I will say that I always find it amusing when my threads are referenced as I really had no clue what I was doing (hence the title of my thread). This site and the people who helped me, guided me in how I handled my own situation. So if there is a “right” way at all, then I’d say it’s to listen to the collective SI wisdom, figure out what works for you, and then forge your own path toward your own healing.

SM and sisoon - loved your posts.

Hey Walloped,

I read through your thread awhile ago and I think

So if there is a “right” way at all, then I’d say it’s to listen to the collective SI wisdom, figure out what works for you, and then forge your own path toward your own healing.

hits the nail on the head.

You asked for advice, listened, followed through with what advice you found useful, and then shared and updated frequently. You are also talented as a writer and all of those things together makes your post a good example of how things "CAN" be done. Thanks for sharing, btw.

Personally, I don't care or wouldn't be bothered by the wording of the title of the thread but I can see how some might. Might be worth changing the name if we can even do that....

Please note: It is against the guidelines to post references to topics outside of their original location.

Respect the original posters' intent and avoid threadjacking. Feel free to start new topics to discuss general subject matter in other threads, but do not refer to specific topics or threads outside of their original location.

Mangled,

The OP’s intent was to link other threads in a arbitrary manner.

Some did, some argued against the premise.

Not sure who crossed the line.

The original post asked for links. People posted links. The moderator deleted links, replacing them with a message telling posters to respect the OP'S original intent...

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 6:57 PM, May 4th (Friday)]

I think mod could have done a little better job of explaining it (no offense just my perception) because it does sound contradictory.

Mod just copied and pasted one of the forum rules that were being broken. However, in this case, it's only the second part that would be relevant here (the way I see it):

but do not refer to specific topics or threads outside of their original location.